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Lost my Mom two weeks ago


Carl383

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Hello, this is the first time I've ever joined or read on a grief forum before.  I figured it might be a good idea to put some stuff out there for my own sake, and maybe it will help others going through the same thing as well.

I lost my Mom two weeks ago, on March 29th.  She had a massive heart attack.  It was very sudden.  She had no known health problems at the time, no complaints, seemed to be perfectly fine.  She was 67 years old.  I had talked to my parents on the way home from work that day, on a Friday.  They just ate dinner at A&W and were going to stop at some stores on the way home.  They were laughing and having fun, enjoying their retirement years.  We had just moved to a new house out in the country, so I was sitting in my garage, looking out to the field across the street, sitting with my daughter, thinking wow life is great, this is perfect, I'm so happy right now!  I felt like I was on cloud 9.  Then a few minutes later I get a phone call from my Dad, he said I don't know how I'm supposed to say this, but your mother died.  I heard him say the words, but I didn't believe it.  I heard him crying on the other end and realized it was real.  My first thought was to jump up and get my daughter inside and then drive over to be with my Dad, he needed me, so I had to get to him.  My wife kept asking what was wrong, I wouldn't tell her, and then finally when I told her I broke down and lost it.  She told me I was in no shape to drive, so she drove me over there instead once my in-laws came over to watch the kids.

After that we had to plan the funeral and all that stuff.  This was in the midst of still finishing up moving too.  Between all the work from moving, the lack of eating and sleep after my mother died, I came down with strep throat and felt like death.  The funeral seems like a blur.  People told me things, sorry for your loss, she was a good woman, God is taking care of her now, she is in a better place, at least she didn't suffer, etc.  But none of that made me feel any better.  I just wanted things to go back to normal.  Even after the funeral, I thought well now that this is over, maybe I can show my Mom some of the stuff at the new house.  Except she's not here anymore.  My Dad even thought about going up north the next day with her.  It was so shocking it didn't fully hit us even at the funeral.

I had the week off from work.  I came back the following Monday, but I just feel like a zombie here.  I try to get things done, but it's hard to muster up much focus or care about things at work.  Once your mother passes away, other things all seem trivial in comparison.  I feel very numb, disconnected, and out of it.  There are days where I'm better and more normal, happy and able to have fun with my family.  Then there are other days where as soon as I wake up, that gray cloud comes over me all day.  There are times when I get very angry.  I feel like I could just punch through the wall or beat the hell out of someone if they said the wrong thing to me.  Other days I'm just sad overall.  I don't know how much of that is normal or what isn't.  

People will tell me, you need to move on, you need to keep on living, you need to still enjoy your life, your mother wouldn't want you to be depressed.  Logically I agree.  My brain says yes, I agree with you all.  But my heart and body do not agree and are not ready for that.  I can't control how I feel, and as much as I want to be happy, some days I just can't be.  

I still haven't gone through the photos from the funeral yet.  I want to make a photo album, but I just haven't been able to do it yet.  We have pictures of my mom in one room, but I don't go in there that much.  It's hard to deal with.

Anyway, that's my story.  My Mom was a great person, she was a wonderful mother, very caring and always supported me, I was always good to her, no hard feelings between us at all, and I know even though she died a bit younger, she was happy and content with her life and was doing exactly what she wanted to be doing.  So that brings me a little comfort.  But it doesn't change the fact that she got ripped off at only 67 years old.  Should have had more time.  So I'm just trying to go on with my life day by day.  Some days are good, some are bad.  Today is kind of a bad one I guess.  

I hope that others out there who have lost a parent are doing okay and getting by in whatever way works best for you.  It's not easy.  Not everyone understands what you're going through.  People mean well overall, but most of the cliche sayings don't really help that much.  I think you just have to process it in whatever way works best for you, and only you will know what way that is.  What works for one person may not work for another.  

I am just glad I had her in my life up to 37.  She got to see me grow up, get married, have children, got to be a grandma, got to retire and enjoy her retirement years a little, and she got to see us move into our new place which I know she was very happy about.  She lived a full life, just could have had more time is all.  I know she is still watching over me because I have had several odd coincidences happen since she passed.  I know that I will get to see her again one day, but until my day comes up, I must continue on living here now, raise my family, and continue to enjoy life.  I know that's what she would want for me as well.  So I try to do that each day, even though some days it's hard to do.  

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Dear Carl,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I'm so sorry for your loss. It is devastating and so shocking to think a beloved parent has passed. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Two weeks is still very early in your grief. Your thoughts and feelings are completely natural and normal. I was raw for a year and still sad at three. It takes a long time to understand our place on this earth without a treasured a parent.

It sounds like you are doing all you can to honor your mom and live the life she would want.

Please know you are not alone and we are with you. I also found these websites helpful in understanding my grief.

What's Your Grief

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

GriefShare

Grief Recovery Method

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Carl I'm so very sorry for your loss. We all grieve differently and like you said what's works for one person might not work for another. Your grief is all so fresh so it is very understandable and normal for you to be feeling the way you are. My mom has been gone for almost 9 months now. I don't even remember what I did it's all a blur. Your mom was young, it was sudden and so unexpected so I'm sure there are so many more feelings that go along with that. My dad passed at the age of 50 so I understand too well the young age aspect.

Take time for you!!!!!!  Talk to friends and family that understand and have been through the loss of a parent as well. If you feel like crying then do so, if you feel like screaming then do so. You are starting by coming here and posting your story. You will get there there is no time frame. 

Grief counseling helped me! I set up a FB page in memory of my mom and a place I can go to...post pics, stories. Told family and close friends about it and said if they wanted to join to leave a message. No obligation to anyone.

Thoughts and prayers to you during this very difficult time.

Kathy

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Thank you for the kind words.  I have good and bad days.  I think overall I’m doing alright but it’s still hard.  I feel like part of me is missing and I don’t know how to fix it.  I hope over time things get easier.  Just miss my mom, wish she was still here.

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Good and bad days are to be expected and I guess part of the process. I have them too. Yes it is very hard to loose your mom or father. There really isn't anything you can fix, it just takes time...lots of time. Maybe the first year is the hardest, I don't know I'm not there yet with the loss of my mom. I feel your pain a part of me is missing too since my mom passed. 

You will never forget, your mom will always be with you! Remember the great times you had together. But let yourself grieve, find something that gives you a little comfort. Most of all know that you are not alone in this journey!!!!!

Hugs ❤️❤️

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Thank you.  I've had a few good days in a row which is nice.  The other day I got a little more sad though.  There are some days where I find myself being very cynical, skeptical, negative, and nothing seems to make me happy.  

I made a little spot in our backyard of our new home to remember my mom.  She loved nature, animals, etc.  I bought a nice stone and a stand for it that says some nice stuff and then put some little bird figurines around it with a frog and turtle and some butterflies.  I'm going to get some landscaping bricks and make a nice little area there once the weather gets a little nicer.  I think it will be nice to have a special place there to think about my Mom, as well as for my wife and kids too as they miss her too.  

I just never thought I would be dealing with this sort of thing so soon in life.  I thought she had another 15-20 years left at least.  Can't take anything for granted in life.  

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