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Wanting to love again


Jd2019

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I went grocery shopping today on a Saturday afternoon,yes it was busy being this day. I don't know if my senses are just heighten but i couldn't help but notice all the couples shopping. I felt lonely,sad, and fragile. I also looked at the people who seemed to be alone, some wearing wedding rings some not. It seems that a lot of the men who were alone didn't have wedding rings ranging from young to older. I know some men that don't were their rings but who knows if they are married,have a girlfriend, or single. I want to love again and i need to be loved. I know i can't now being so soon, cause i am a disaster. But i am looking at my future. I do not want to be alone. I know its a majority saying that men move on faster. I want to love, as for me i compare love to a drug. I need it. Some of you ladies posted how men have tried to court you so soon and some said many of them. I wished i had that problem! It seems that ladies only have a problem of choosing men, and as men we have a problem of just getting a date. I know i am capable of loving again, as i loved before my wife. Some of you ladies may have loved before your husbands. I know i got to wait.  Maybe its just my emotions getting the best of me.

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It’s not that we don’t want love in our lives, we want it as much as men do.  The reality is widows are far less likely to remarry then men are.  Probably because there are so many more widows then there are single men/widowers out there.  In one article I saw it was something like 10% of widows over 45 remarry.  It’s much higher for younger women.  

In my case,  at this point I cannot ever see myself remarrying.  I just cant imagine being with anyone else.  I married very young and was with him for 35 years.  Love to me was our love.  I don’t know how to love any other way. 

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@Jd2019 I totally get how you feel.  You are very young,  can understand not wanting to go through life alone. You had that deep bond and love with your wife and you miss that so much.  Its ok to have some hope for your future, when you are ready.....  you are still very early in your grief, it takes us all time to sort through our emotions and to go thru this whole grieving process.  This is my opinion but I feel I need to go through this grieving process  to be able to go on with my life, to know this new person I am becoming. I, personally don't feel ready.  I am scared of my future and dont want to make any mistakes, I can't even think straight most of the time.  I also am afraid if I don't fully process my grief now, it may come back to bite me later.  You will know when you are ready,  no hurry. Just getting through one day at a time.  Its hard to be in public at times,  seeing happy couples..we are all so vulnerable at this time, men and women.  We all want to be loved, mabbe thats why we send out so much love here, to each other.  You sound like a great guy.  Is there any women friends you can talk too,  just to be friends?  We are all here also to vent, talk,  try to support you in any way we can.  As for men moving on quicker, I heard that also,  but from most of the men who post here, they seem to feel like all of us women do.  Baby steps....these emotions we get are up and down and seem to change from day to day.  Hugs and love to you.

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I understand SSC, I wished I had that amount of time with my wife. Hi JES. I don’t feel like I could share my intimate feelings with women around me, maybe if I had a sister I could, I would not want to talk with my in-laws about this. I would only share my intimate feelings with my wife. I feel this place has allowed me to share my feelings. Hugs and Love

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@Jd2019  I totally understand..I share more here also than anywhere...I have others support but I dont really want to keep bringing my problems to them or just dont always want company as they will come if they think Im in distress.  The inlaws, good thinking there, might upset them.  So just keep coming here, we understand most anything you feel.  You might realize that alot of us here may be older and just don't want anyone else, we had our loves longtime and are just not caring to move on in that area. Others may choose to find another at some time.  Alot of it, may be some of us never want to go through this pain again, everyone is different.  I have a son and daughter in 40's ( daughters bday today) that are single, yet son loves his life,  daughter not so much, but she says so many on drugs etc., hard to meet a decent one. I have one married son, who like you, loves having his partner, and would probably feel like you do.  Its good to have hope for your future, it helps keeps us going forward.  How are your children adjusting to mom gone?  I feel for all of you. Thinking of you and sending love and hope.  Jeanne

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Just make sure to do your grief work so you can be in a more ready place when you meet someone.  It's really just a matter of putting yourself out there and meeting people, look for building friendships first, let it go from there.

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Jeanne, the kids are surprisingly doing well. As for the youngest she has high spirits thanks to her mom and I  talked about God, Jesus, and heaven.But i feel that may change as she gets older.As school comes along and she sees other children with their moms and so forth. Some say  she is so young that it may not affect her too much. I just don’t know about that.   I really need to finish the story I started in the first place so you guys can get a better perspective. I have been focused on my pain and loss when I have posted.I will try another time. I work and got kids so time is tight. I do log in here to read at work during break every now and then. Talk to you guys soon. 

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EternalFlames
On 4/13/2019 at 9:12 PM, Jd2019 said:

I went grocery shopping today on a Saturday afternoon,yes it was busy being this day. I don't know if my senses are just heighten but i couldn't help but notice all the couples shopping. I felt lonely,sad, and fragile. I also looked at the people who seemed to be alone, some wearing wedding rings some not. It seems that a lot of the men who were alone didn't have wedding rings ranging from young to older. I know some men that don't were their rings but who knows if they are married,have a girlfriend, or single. I want to love again and i need to be loved. I know i can't now being so soon, cause i am a disaster. But i am looking at my future. I do not want to be alone. I know its a majority saying that men move on faster. I want to love, as for me i compare love to a drug. I need it. Some of you ladies posted how men have tried to court you so soon and some said many of them. I wished i had that problem! It seems that ladies only have a problem of choosing men, and as men we have a problem of just getting a date. I know i am capable of loving again, as i loved before my wife. Some of you ladies may have loved before your husbands. I know i got to wait.  Maybe its just my emotions getting the best of me.

I feel you and completely relate. I felt that way too.

I would look around at all the couples and be reminded of what I lost. I wanted to keep giving and receiving love, to find someone new to give that love to. I felt terrified of a future alone, stuck in grief and sadness the rest of my life. I still worry about a future alone, but the intensity of that fear diminished over time as the grief subsided.

I kept hearing how men have it easier or move on faster, but I hated hearing that stereotype because I felt my reality was the opposite. Many women in my grief support group were approached by male suitors. Most weren't ready yet, some considered it, some ended up dating and were happy, but they had options and the choice was theirs to consider when they were ready. As men we're generally expected to do the approaching ourselves. It's so much harder to approach someone than be approached when you're in the midst of grief - it takes a degree of confidence and energy and vulnerability and willingness to be hurt that most of us (male, female, anyone) don't have after losing our other half! I really wished someone would approach me and show me affection and interest. Even if I wasn't ready for a relationship, just that gesture would have given me hope that life could go on after my wife's death and made me feel a little less alone and hopeless.

Alas, it never happened. I had to wait until I healed and was strong enough to go out there and compete myself.

 

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@Jd2019  I am glad the kids seem to be adjusting,  sounds as if you have good family support, and hopefully they will continue to be there for you and the children.  It is hard for a grieving person to even take of themselves...let alone having children to worry about also. I am so sorry you are going through all this.  Thinking of you.  Jeanne

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@EternalFlames  I so agree on everything you are saying...all in all its a tough situation for both men and women.  Yes I have to say it did make me feel alittle better to have two men being nice to me,  I just was so surprised, I didnt know how to act. They were both very polite, I just lost my ability to speak.   I feel we don't have alot of confidence in ourselves during this grief process,  we have been with our partners for so long,  we are just lost.  My sister mentioned a male friend of hers,  nice guy,  who would make a great friend for me also but hes single,  well Im thinking " what if he ended up liking me more than a friend"  then I wouldnt know what to do.  So I declined,  although Ive run into him afew times since and talked briefly.   She said,  a woman would have to make first move with him...maybe thats why hes still single ( divorced long time).  My feelings, if its meant to be, and the time is right,  it can happen to anyone. Jeanne

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On 4/13/2019 at 6:58 PM, SSC said:

 I married very young and was with him for 35 years.  Love to me was our love

Ditto here. 

@Jd2019  You're right that it is too soon, but that doesn't mean that you won't find love again when you're ready.  But please don't rush into something new because you miss your wife and are lonely.  IMO, you need to take time to grieve, to find your way on this unwelcome journey, and to nurture your children.  It's only natural to want to find something or someone to hold onto during this painful time.  You seem to understand that truth, so hang onto it as you go along.  If and when the time is right, you'll know.  Until then, love your children as hard as you can, talk to them about their mother, let them see you grieve and allow them to show their grief too.

I truly hope that you find love when you're ready.

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5 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Ditto here. 

@Jd2019  You're right that it is too soon, but that doesn't mean that you won't find love again when you're ready.  But please don't rush into something new because you miss your wife and are lonely.  IMO, you need to take time to grieve, to find your way on this unwelcome journey, and to nurture your children.  It's only natural to want to find something or someone to hold onto during this painful time.  You seem to understand that truth, so hang onto it as you go along.  If and when the time is right, you'll know.  Until then, love your children as hard as you can, talk to them about their mother, let them see you grieve and allow them to show their grief too.

I truly hope that you find love when you're ready.

Good response, put into words what I was feeling and didn't know how to begin to express.  Try not to be afraid of being alone, once you have learned to do this life alone, then you'll find you're more ready to meet someone to do life with for the right reasons.  It's good to learn who we are and work through our grief first.  It's kind of hard to explain but I'm glad I've taken time...it's been 14 years come Father's Day.  Sometimes I wish I had a partner but I never have met anyone that could walk a block in George's shoes, that relationship was just so perfect.  I remember before we married feeling I could not imagine life without him and if we hadn't married I would have wondered about him the rest of my life, where was was, how he was, I would have been very wistful, I felt I HAD to be with him!  Unless I feel that way again about someone else I don't think it'd be right...

So hold out hope for the future but take your time.  You have young ones to give your time and attention to and it flies by faster than you can imagine!

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Thank you Pim, for the links.  I especially appreciated the article.  I will definitely come back to it and read it often, it gave me a different perspective on things.

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On 4/13/2019 at 8:12 PM, Jd2019 said:

I went grocery shopping today on a Saturday afternoon,yes it was busy being this day. I don't know if my senses are just heighten but i couldn't help but notice all the couples shopping. I felt lonely,sad, and fragile. I also looked at the people who seemed to be alone, some wearing wedding rings some not. It seems that a lot of the men who were alone didn't have wedding rings ranging from young to older. I know some men that don't were their rings but who knows if they are married,have a girlfriend, or single. I want to love again and i need to be loved. I know i can't now being so soon, cause i am a disaster. But i am looking at my future. I do not want to be alone. I know its a majority saying that men move on faster. I want to love, as for me i compare love to a drug. I need it. Some of you ladies posted how men have tried to court you so soon and some said many of them. I wished i had that problem! It seems that ladies only have a problem of choosing men, and as men we have a problem of just getting a date. I know i am capable of loving again, as i loved before my wife. Some of you ladies may have loved before your husbands. I know i got to wait.  Maybe its just my emotions getting the best of me.

Hi JD2019

Sorry to see you here on this site. but at the same time in light of things, you may have come to the right place for insight and support.

Take time to read my post "Autocharge my Experience  (moving forward "new normal") it has many post that talks about the questions you have asked and maybe some you haven't thought about or talked about.

Autocharge

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On 4/13/2019 at 9:12 PM, Jd2019 said:

I went grocery shopping today on a Saturday afternoon,yes it was busy being this day. I don't know if my senses are just heighten but i couldn't help but notice all the couples shopping. I felt lonely,sad, and fragile. I also looked at the people who seemed to be alone, some wearing wedding rings some not. It seems that a lot of the men who were alone didn't have wedding rings ranging from young to older. I know some men that don't were their rings but who knows if they are married,have a girlfriend, or single. I want to love again and i need to be loved. I know i can't now being so soon, cause i am a disaster. But i am looking at my future. I do not want to be alone. I know its a majority saying that men move on faster. I want to love, as for me i compare love to a drug. I need it. Some of you ladies posted how men have tried to court you so soon and some said many of them. I wished i had that problem! It seems that ladies only have a problem of choosing men, and as men we have a problem of just getting a date. I know i am capable of loving again, as i loved before my wife. Some of you ladies may have loved before your husbands. I know i got to wait.  Maybe its just my emotions getting the best of me.

I so completely understand your longing for a partner.  I am not good at being alone.  Never have been and perhaps you're right, it's like a drug...the desire to have someone who loves you and who you love in return.  This time, since my soulmate died, is probably the longest I've ever been alone in more than 35 years.  The problem for me is twofold.  I am still grieving and I am not all that young any more.  Any man I might meet in the future is going to probably going to have baggage.  At my age, they are either coming off of a divorce or are widowers or else they never got married at all, which means there's probably a reason.  And these thoughts assume that I'll ever be able to let go of my grief.  

I can only encourage you to take the advice to NOT RUSH THIS.  After my husband and I divorced years ago, I rushed right into another relationship (mostly because my pride was wounded) and it was a nightmare.  You have to give yourself time to heal and find some peace, to find out who you are now and what you want for the future.  Rebound relationships are never a good thing in my experience.  You deserve a relationship the makes you happy and fulfills your dreams.  It's worth waiting until you're ready.  

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10 hours ago, JulieY said:

You have to give yourself time to heal and find some peace, to find out who you are now and what you want for the future.

Such wise words said with such simplicity for all of us beginning this journey of finding out who we are as totally separate entities. One moment at a time.

~Sunshine~

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On 4/14/2019 at 6:36 AM, Jd2019 said:

 I feel this place has allowed me to share my feelings. Hugs and Love

I think I speak for others when I say that I am glad you found us and that we made you feel welcome and safe enough to tell us about you, your lovely wife, and your life together.

Take your time and tell us only what you are comfortable sharing.  One thing I can tell you with certainty is that we will not rush, criticize, or judge you.  We are here to help and support each other, which I have found beneficial in a way nothing else has.  My family and tiny circle of friends try the best they can, but they know that they can't fully understand what I feel or how this has shattered me because, while they all loved my husband and grieve for him, he was my soulmate.

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Yea today I realize that wanting to date and love again right now is just a part of the loss I’m enduring, a intimate emotion that I have lost. It’s like I’m forced to be different person(identity) that I do not want to be. Thinking of dating right now makes me exhausted. There is a movie I watched years ago “Powder” , very good but sad movie. A scene where the kid touches the deer then the man and makes the man feel what the deer is feeling. Sometimes I want to do this to the people around me, I don’t want to hurt them but just be a little more compassionate.

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Yea today I realize that wanting to date and love again right now is just a part of the loss I’m enduring, a intimate emotion that I have lost. It’s like I’m forced to be different person(identity) that I do not want to be. Thinking of dating right now makes me exhausted. There is a movie I watched years ago “Powder” , very good but sad movie. A scene where the kid touches the deer then the man and makes the man feel what the deer is feeling. Sometimes I want to do this to the people around me, I don’t want to hurt them but just be a little more compassionate.
Right now it's loneliness,but you will Learn to be alone,even if only for a while.I too was meant to be part of a couple,i hate being alone,but I know that this is different from my break ups and so I must go through it to the other side to see who I will be.To date right now would be unfair to the other person because I have not yet traveled to who I will be.
My love to you and your girls
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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I agree, it is very important to learn to be alone, it need not be forever, but long enough that you are comfortable with yourself, just you, and know who you are now that you've been through this identity loss.  It's a path of discovery.  

There are times I wish I had someone, but not badly enough to go looking for someone, it's rather that I miss all that we had together. With George, putting our lives together was so easy, he was so perfect for me, I've just never met anyone else like him.  When we got married, the adjustment wasn't hard, not like you'd expect it to be.  The main adjustment was now there was someone in my life to consider besides myself and my kids, but being as he'd always been on my mind and in my heart anyway, that wasn't that big a leap.  The really hard adjustment was in losing him, it's taken me years and I don't think it's something you're ever entirely used to...I have adjusted as much as I can, but I still yearn for him.

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We are not yet who we will be after the hard grief,and through this we need to Learn to care for ourselves,if we find someone in the future it makes us better partners if we have learned to love ourselves first,makes us not so"clingy"to our next person,

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

There are times I wish I had someone, but not badly enough to go looking for someone, it's rather that I miss all that we had together. With George, putting our lives together was so easy, he was so perfect for me, I've just never met anyone else like him.  When we got married, the adjustment wasn't hard, not like you'd expect it to be.  The main adjustment was now there was someone in my life to consider besides myself and my kids, but being as he'd always been on my mind and in my heart anyway, that wasn't that big a leap.  The really hard adjustment was in losing him, it's taken me years and I don't think it's something you're ever entirely used to...I have adjusted as much as I can, but I still yearn for him.

Dear Kay, I think this is typical for your soulmate, the love of your life. Putting your lives together is no problem at all! Because you are made for each other. At least so it seems.
It's the separation that is hard. And the nagging question: if we were so perfectly suited, why then could this not last a little bit longer, little meaning dozens of years ;-)
I am truly sorry for your loss. I hope he is somewhere, seeing you with pride and love in his heart.

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@Jd2019  Just checking to see how you are doing,  hopefully abit better. I know this grief process goes on along time for all of us.  Keeping busy seems to make time go alittle faster, if nothing else.  I hope the remodeling is coming along good and that the kids are all well.  I too, have been busy, raking, trimming trees, alittle painting.  I even raked my neighbors yard...his wife passed March 17.  The house is empty, was his brothers, but hes in no shape to do it ( 84yr. and on dialysis).  Ive been doing better being outside, its keeps my mind occupied and tires me out. I will be thinking of you and the kids on Mothers day.  I know it will be a hard day for you.  Sending love.  Jeanne

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@JES I been doing better over the past couple of weeks. Hope everyone had a good mother’s day. Our daughters got some of my wife’s plants from down in the backyard and planted them in front of our home.. My wife’s hobby was propergating cuttings in to new plants. I on mother’s day bought my mom a planting barrel (her old one rotted out) also fixed her porch swing. Kids are doing great. Faith’s room is pink now, I am about to start replacing her floor,then her new bedroom suite. I am glad your staying busy, it’s good not to have a idle mind(at least for me) got to have something to look forward to. Time has eased my grief. I am very glad to hear from you Jeanne. Hope for all!

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@Jd2019  I am glad to hear that time is helping abit.... and sounds like you had a busy Mothers Day.  How cute that the girls were transplanting plants...they are following in moms footsteps.  Your mom mustve enjoyed her new barrel planter and that you fixed her swing. Sounds like your a good son.  I got two gifts today, nice big hanging plant from son & family and body spray from daughter so today was more mothers day to me.  That was ok though,  I worked in yard all day Sunday.  Today hauling branches to city compost, and another load tommorow, then oil changes on vehicles.  My list is long.....  It sounds like Faiths room is going to be very pretty....  She will have all brand new when you are done.. you are going all out.  Big job!  Keeping busy is good, and physical work tiring,  its helping me also.  Plus Im learning to do things Ive never done alone..or at all.  Theres some satisfaction when I finish just knowing I could do it.  It is nice to hear from you and keep hanging in there.  Love and hugs to you and the kids. Jeanne

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Ok ,getting back to the subject of this topic. It seems that it will be easy for me to date in my area when I’m ready. I really never been in the dating scene my entire life. Yes I was on  a dating site when I meet my wife and she was the only woman I contacted. I looked at many women’s profiles but only my wife’s caught me. In my area women out number men in my age group. More men in the west and more women on the east. But I really does not matter to me where. For when I’m ready, I know it will happen.

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@Jd2019  Glad you are having hope for your future. I never really went through dating scene much either, just high school stuff..met my ex and Kevin at work. Don't even know how the dating scene works these days. I would guess dating sites mostly, church, friends, don't think bars would be the greatest.  Of course Im old, and retired so havent really given it thought. :blush2: But you are so young yet, that Im sure you dont want to be alone forever.  You will know when you are ready....mabbe the Christian site will be the one for you again. You found a great gal there in your wife.  I hope you are doing alittle better.  Sending love to you and the girls. Jeanne

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Jeanne expressed my thoughts perfectly!  I, too, am old and never did like dating and am in a town where there just isn't the right one to meet...I have not hope of meeting someone.  But I hope you do meet someone when you are ready!

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