Devastated

[missingmybrother_]

I lost my best friend, only sibling, and brother suddenly on March 20th. He was 35. I thought I'd have him when our parents died. I knew that when I eventually had kids he would be the words best uncle. He loved me in a different way than anyone else, and his love was fierce. We were extraordinarily close. We would call each other weekly and talk for hours. We helped each other through each and every one of life's challenges. He needed me as much as I needed him.  I've never faced such intense sorrow and grief, and I'm not sure how I'll be happy again without him.

I've also been so hurt by the things people say while meaning well. People who I thought would be here for me have not been. No one knows what to say and they'd rather distance themselves, I guess. And I feel nearly entirely alone in my grief, although my mother and I are very close and have been able to spend a lot of time together and mourn him side by side, because I am "just the sibling", and of course everyone is asking me how my parents are doing... they don't seem to care that I am in pain, too. I leave our home town in two days to go back to where I work and live, and my parents will be alone - our family is scattered all over the world. I am just devastated that this is the situation, and I do not know how I will ever accept it. I feel so, so angry and I want my brother.

I hope I can meet some people on here who can relate. 

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Missingmybrother,

What a beatiful picture. I can see the love and unbreakable bond. And I identify with what you have written. I know we posted to each other under other topics, but I just this one. Sending a lot of love your way. 

[llamas]

I can totally relate. The platitudes of others, while well intended, sometimes doesn’t feel helpful. Similar to the example you provided, when people are there specifically to support you but ask, “How’s your mom/dad managing?” and you’re visibly like a puddle on the floor held together by the last bit of sheer will, it feels as if they’re saying, “I’m not comfortable with your grief so I’m going to take the attention away from you and ask about someone else”. It feels like a big pile of cow dung. So I understand what you’re expressing. And yes, I’ve had so called “best friends” ghost me. Literally. After texting they were here for me and saying they’ll meet up and then nothing. I am so there with you. I feel like when it’s so raw, all we want is emotional support and 100% of it because at the moment, that may be what’s necessary. There shouldn’t be anything wrong with this. You’ve experienced something completely devastating. 

My friend referred this book. I just started reading it but so far, I’ve connected with much of what the author has written. She wrote about this very topic and explained some reasons why we feel the way we do (which is normal) and her theories on why others behave the way they do when confronted with those who grieve. Perhaps it may be helpful to you? Here’s the info if you feel like looking it up: “It’s OK That You’re Not OK” by Megan Devine

PS That picture is beautiful. 

[Vic]

I completely understand where you are coming from.  On February 28 of this year, I messaged my baby brother while on my way to work, just as I did EVERY SINGLE DAY.   This day, there was no reply.   Well, I got busy at work  and didn’t think a thing about it..  that’s until I received the call from my mother.   She didn’t say that he was gone, but she didn’t have to.   The pain in her cry and in her voice was unlike anything I’ve ever heard.   I knew.  I screamed at her, “Momma, no!”  “Momma.. NOOO!”  As if I rejected the truth.   I remember immediately thinking.. “If I leave right now and just get to wherever he’s at, I can save him.  No one will try like me!”   It was only immediately following those thoughts that reality shook me and I tossed the irrational ideas that it could be any different from the way that it was.   I broke down.  I lost it.  It was final.  It was done.  The worst thing that could’ve ever happened is my reality and I had no choice in the matter.   I can’t do anything to change one aspect of it and I felt the most helpless I’ve ever felt in my entire life.  I was his protector, after all.   The task had been obligated to me from the beginning of his existence, so it seemed.  “Vic, keep your eyes on your little brother.”   I took the responsibility very seriously and absolutely to heart.   I couldn’t fix this.   Of all the times that I ran to fix things for him.  For every time that I was his solution to a problem, I wasn’t even given the chance when it was most important.   He was my best friend.  We are known as “Vic and Seth”.    He’s my teammate, my co-everything. He is the testimony to my own existence and a reflection of everything that I’ve ever been.  When he died, I died, too.  I’m not sure of who I am now.   No one knows him as well as I do, not even our parents.  So, I understand how it feels to “just be the sister”.  I feel so cheated.  I feel so insignificant sometimes because I’m only the sister.  When, in reality, no one was closer to him than me.  I told my mother that, yes, God gave him to her, but He gave him to her for me!!  He was my gift.  He was mine while on Earth.  God created him for me, and us for Him.  I have cried every single day since that day.  Some days, I feel as if I’m going to survive this, but it never fails, before the 24 hours are up, I lose it all over again.  I miss him and I am scared of continuing without him.   I hate time!   Each day that passes, I feel moved further away from him.  I feel as if I’m leaving him behind and I don’t want to, but time is pushing me.  Time is shoving me forward.  I’m not like everyone else.  I don’t want life to move on.  I want a life where he exists in it.  This pain is unlike any other.

[missingmybrother_]

Hi Vic,

I'm so sorry. I completely relate to what you said about your relationship. My brother and I were also like two peas in a pod, we always thought we'd have each other, forever. He was my best friend in the world. No one else on earth can ever compare to our special bond, and like you said, no one knew my brother, or was as close with him, as I was. I'm currently seeing a therapist, and the other day, I told her, "I honestly feel like life has no meaning anymore, since I can't ever be happy without Russell". While I told her I wasn't having suicidal thoughts, I do feel incredibly depressed. I know I can 'move forward', and that I will, without him, but I just wish I didn't have to. I'm working really hard to try and not dwell on how unfair it all is, and to try and find gratitude in the other parts of my life, but it's hard, and some days I just can't. Not yet. 

I love this TED talk on grief, it makes me feel a little bit better about having gone through such a nightmare that never ends - it reminds me that I can and will find happiness alongside the grief. I hope it helps you, too. I'm here to talk, if you want. 

 

[missingmybrother_]

On 5/1/2019 at 12:23 AM, llamas said:

I can totally relate. The platitudes of others, while well intended, sometimes doesn’t feel helpful. Similar to the example you provided, when people are there specifically to support you but ask, “How’s your mom/dad managing?” and you’re visibly like a puddle on the floor held together by the last bit of sheer will, it feels as if they’re saying, “I’m not comfortable with your grief so I’m going to take the attention away from you and ask about someone else”. It feels like a big pile of cow dung. So I understand what you’re expressing. And yes, I’ve had so called “best friends” ghost me. Literally. After texting they were here for me and saying they’ll meet up and then nothing. I am so there with you. I feel like when it’s so raw, all we want is emotional support and 100% of it because at the moment, that may be what’s necessary. There shouldn’t be anything wrong with this. You’ve experienced something completely devastating. 

My friend referred this book. I just started reading it but so far, I’ve connected with much of what the author has written. She wrote about this very topic and explained some reasons why we feel the way we do (which is normal) and her theories on why others behave the way they do when confronted with those who grieve. Perhaps it may be helpful to you? Here’s the info if you feel like looking it up: “It’s OK That You’re Not OK” by Megan Devine

PS That picture is beautiful. 

I read that book, too, in the days after Russ died, and it definitely helped a lot - I still think about it, and might reread it, or parts of it. I also just ordered "Everyone Died, So I Got A Dog" by Emily Dean, which is highly reviewed and I hope will be an enlightening read. Reading, listening to podcasts, and talking about grief with those who understand has been so helpful for me. Talking about it with those who don't just isn't really doing much for me at the moment. 

It's so true, we should be able to feel what we feel, without trying to retrain our brain to think positively, at least in the early stages. I feel like my therapist is encouraging me to try and counter the negative thoughts ("why me" "this is so unfair" "why did he have to die" "nothing is good without him", etc) with positive ones, but right now, I feel too exhausted to even try. She also tries to tell me to 'feel all the feels', so I'm finding her approach a little counterintuitive, and right now I just want to work on finding a little bit of happiness each day. I think I am doing a fine job of it all, after all, I'm still here, and I'm still living my life and putting one foot in front of the other... it's all I can do.

 

[Vic]

Just when I feel like things are becoming bearable, I find myself gasping for air, all over again.   Today marks the fourth month since brother left me.  I just had to rephrase that entire sentence because I still cannot use the “D” word when speaking on him.  It seems as if subconsciously I’m expecting him to return.  Each time that the reality of his permanent absence hits me, I begin to feel my throat close up and the air in my lungs escape me.  For just a moment, I feel that I may die, too.  And, for just a moment, that doesn’t seem so bad.  It just hurts so much.   I miss him more than I could’ve ever imagined I would.  I used to declare my love for my baby brother to everyone.  In my mind, I felt as if I loved my brother more than anyone has ever or will ever love their siblings.  “I know you love your brother, but, I love my brother more.”    But, for as much as I claimed to love him before, I learned, after losing him, that I love him more.  If the pain is equivalent to the love that I have for him, it’s unreal.  It’s merciless.  Powerful. Life changing.   I just want him back.  This is not supposed to be happening.   I’d give anything to just go back.  We never even talked about these things..  you know, how or what I should do if ever I had to live without him.  We talked about everything, but not that.  I don’t have anything to go back to.  There’s nothing to guide me.   I have so much that I want to tell him.  What hurts the most is the fact that I don’t even feel him.. I don’t feel his presence.  He’s gone.  He’s just gone.

[missingmybrother_]

On 6/27/2019 at 4:00 AM, Vic said:

Just when I feel like things are becoming bearable, I find myself gasping for air, all over again.   Today marks the fourth month since brother left me.  I just had to rephrase that entire sentence because I still cannot use the “D” word when speaking on him.  It seems as if subconsciously I’m expecting him to return.  Each time that the reality of his permanent absence hits me, I begin to feel my throat close up and the air in my lungs escape me.  For just a moment, I feel that I may die, too.  And, for just a moment, that doesn’t seem so bad.  It just hurts so much.   I miss him more than I could’ve ever imagined I would.  I used to declare my love for my baby brother to everyone.  In my mind, I felt as if I loved my brother more than anyone has ever or will ever love their siblings.  “I know you love your brother, but, I love my brother more.”    But, for as much as I claimed to love him before, I learned, after losing him, that I love him more.  If the pain is equivalent to the love that I have for him, it’s unreal.  It’s merciless.  Powerful. Life changing.   I just want him back.  This is not supposed to be happening.   I’d give anything to just go back.  We never even talked about these things..  you know, how or what I should do if ever I had to live without him.  We talked about everything, but not that.  I don’t have anything to go back to.  There’s nothing to guide me.   I have so much that I want to tell him.  What hurts the most is the fact that I don’t even feel him.. I don’t feel his presence.  He’s gone.  He’s just gone.

 

Me too, Vic. Sitting here crying as I type this. I still can't believe he's gone forever. I want him back so bad. I don't even know how to go on, I don't want a word without him. I just feel like I can't do this. 

[Vic]

12 hours ago, missingmybrother_ said:

 

Me too, Vic. Sitting here crying as I type this. I still can't believe he's gone forever. I want him back so bad. I don't even know how to go on, I don't want a word without him. I just feel like I can't do this. 

I feel like I can’t do this every single day.  I also feel like no one around me gets it.  As if they feel that I should be over it by now or something.. & the thing is, I’ll never get over it.  It consumes me.  His absence and his leaving me has power over me.   Never in a million years could I have ever anticipated how this loss would feel.   It’s like no other loss I’ve ever known.  I long for him soooo much.  Hope you’re hanging in there.

[missingmybrother_]

It's just so hard, wishing he were still here. Knowing the only thing that would make me happy would be if he could come back. It's been almost four months since he died and I still can't believe it. I miss him desperately. I would give anything to see him again. God I hate this. No one gets it. Not even our parents can understand, because we had a bond with our brothers that no one else knew. My brother and I were closer than siblings. He was the truest friend I've ever known and I'll never have a bond like that again. It's so fucking unfair that he died. I still catch myself saying "why????" Why me.. why him.

 

[randrea]

I completely understand how you feel. When my brother died, it was like my sister and I didn't exist, no one cared about us only my parents. People don't understand the loss of a sibling. Maybe it is because siblings fight, or we weren't the ones that created them. However, when a sibling dies, it is like taking a chunk out of who you are. When you meet new people they don't ask questions about your parents, I get asked all the time about my siblings. I can never say I just have a sister because I do have a brother, I just don't see him all the time. It can be so difficult for others to understand, but I do. It is absolutely heart breaking thinking about the future and the plans and life you thought would be there, only to have to reimagine it without your brother. I've thought about this countless times.

 

Thank you for sharing.

[LozanoL]

I got a call from my sisters neighbor saying why does your sister have a food package ( door dash) in front of her door. I called my mom immediately , since I was at work. My mom text me and said she was calling an ambulance. Well , after 7 yrs of hell my sisters been through! The 3 times she’s almost died, breast cancer, broken hip,leg,other hip, ankle bones snapping like twigs due to the strong steroids . I thought to myself she will be fine -SHE IS ALWAYS FINE. My mother called me back and said in the most horrible screams I’d ever heard, She’s dead she’s dead!!! My sister was diagnosed with breast cancer, she beat it, then diagnosed with , a rare brain disease called patchy meningitis of the brain.. it took 2 yrs to diagnose this . Now she is gone after 8 yrs of fighting we thought she had beat this thing her headaches went away. She looked good . Then died in 20 mins 

she was my best friend,we talked for hours,I feel so lost with out her . Her autopsy hasn’t came back yet . They don’t know or can’t find why she just died .  I keep calling her and she doesn’t answer, I have written her emails .am I crazy ? I feel so lost 

[Dipster123]

I lost my sister when she was 36. My only sibling. I too thought we’d be together when my parents die, we’d be here on earth together forever. That had been one of the hardest things for me to deal with. It’ll be six years this month, the pain and grief get easier to deal with but I still miss her fiercely every day. 

For what it’s worth this is how I’ve “dealt” with other people and what they say or don’t say. Until I went through this tragedy I didn’t know what to say to someone else going through their own tragedy’s. And honestly I still have a hard time. I try and rationalize am I saying x,y,z because it makes me feel better the person I’m saying it to. It’s not easy for our friends they want to support and I believe are sometimes doing the best they can or know how. 

 

The other thing that that will come up is friends talking about their siblings. May be how annoying so and so is or just about how they’re going on vacation with sibling. Sadly the world doesn’t stop because we’ve lost one of the most important people to us. It’s painful but I think about it in a different way. I may be complaining about my parents and someone around me have lost a parent years ago. It happens. All the time. It’s sort of the new way of life. 

[Vic]

On 7/16/2019 at 5:44 PM, missingmybrother_ said:

It's just so hard, wishing he were still here. Knowing the only thing that would make me happy would be if he could come back. It's been almost four months since he died and I still can't believe it. I miss him desperately. I would give anything to see him again. God I hate this. No one gets it. Not even our parents can understand, because we had a bond with our brothers that no one else knew. My brother and I were closer than siblings. He was the truest friend I've ever known and I'll never have a bond like that again. It's so fucking unfair that he died. I still catch myself saying "why????" Why me.. why him.

 

Yeessss!!!  On the 28th, the 6th month of him being gone came.  That’s half of a year.  It seems so long ago that he was taken from me, yet, it feels just like yesterday.   It’s not fair.  It absolutely isn’t.   I know that my brother would want to be here.  He didn’t want to die.  He wasn’t ready.   I definitely wasn’t ready to be alone.  There is not another person to exit today or that has ever existed, that I like as much as my brother.  I just sincerely enjoyed him.  I got excited over him.  You would’ve thought he was some famous person and I was some star-struck fan.   It was more than a sibling love.  He was my favorite person.  My best friend. The fire that lit my soul...  he is my DNA.  He and I are more closely related than anyone.. more so than I am to our mom, or he is to our dad.  My mom claims that we are twins that were born 4 years apart.   I believe it.  I know that Gods plans for my brother have nothing to do with me.   But, I can’t help but to want to ask why?  Why did he have to go away?   Why is this my reality??   Why couldn’t I have more time with him here?   I’m so afraid that the older that I get, I may forget him..  our past, our memories.  I love him so much.  I can empathize.  Message me if you ever just need to talk.