No Chance To Mourn

[Taz89]

Hi, I am new here so I'm not sure how this works so I'm going to give the background first.  I am having an extremely difficult time dealing with the death of my mother in December 2018.  She suffered from a stroke on the 24th of September 2018, the effects were not as bad as we thought in the beginning, soon she was able to speak correctly however she had terrible pain in her legs that the doctors said was post neuralgia which could last for a few months, years or forever.  She was told you have to just keep forcing yourself to walk.  She was not given any x-rays (thank you government hospitals in South Africa) to confirm this theory.  The pain got worse every day, she went from a cane to a walker to a wheelchair until it came to the point that she could no longer walk or even move her legs at all.  She was bed ridden by the middle of November.  A week later she called me and said that she can't take it anymore (she was a very stubborn women and refused to let us take her back to the hospital).  I contacted an ambulance to fetch her and take her back due the hospital, the paramedic walked into the house and the first question he asked was when did you break your legs.  Not one leg, both legs had snapped (from the fall when she had her stroke) on the femur, her left leg had shifted so much that her leg was about 3 inches shorter than the other.

She went into hospital and was scheduled for an operation to repair the bones, they had to take her off of her stroke medication as her blood was too thin to operate and then they had to wait for it to thicken, which put her back in the high risk category of having another stroke.  A week went by (she was so drugged on morphine that she fought with us on a daily basis, even hitting and swearing us at times, something my mother would never do) and on a Friday we got a call that its not looking good and we should expect the worst.  All this time in the hospital I was the only person she was civil with.  She hated my father, would swear my brothers and even her grandchildren (I have immense guilt about being the only one she was nice-ish to).  My father went to the hospital to see her and talk to the doctor and came back to tell me what was going on, an hour later she had passed.  I can deal with all this if I had time, but the same day my mother passed away my father had another women sleep in her bed, using her make-up, her clothes, her shoes, everything....  It kills me and i keep thinking that he wanted her dead, he maybe even killed her.  It's a horrible thing to think but I can't help it.  I don't know what to do, I'm in tears everyday.  i don't just feel like I've lost my mother, I've lost him too.  He doesn't speak to any of his kids anymore, he doesn't have time for anyone other than this new women.  Who was a friend of my mothers and is 35 years younger than my father.  The age doesn't bother me, what bothers me is that all she could speak about is how she needs a rich old man to look after her (when my mom was still alive).  She has just taken over every aspect of my mothers home, we are not allowed to come over unannounced anymore (my mothers house was always open to us no matter what).  I just don't have time or the emotional strength to deal with my mothers death because i was forced straight into worrying about my father and his situation.  I don't know if someone has gone through something similar or has any advice.  At this point of my life I don't want to get up anymore, my relationship is on the verge of collapse, I hardly eat or sleep, I'm living off of energy drinks and pain killers.  While driving I think about driving into poles or off bridges.  I just can't accept any of this.  She was not just my mother, she was my best friend and I feel like I've lost everything.

[reader]

Dear Taz,

I am so sorry for your loss.  It is incredibly hard to cope with the loss of your beloved mum and also this situation with your dad.

Please know you are not alone. And if you can consider reaching out and consider grief counselling or joining a support group. We are all here and will continue to listen.

I don't know where you are in South Africa but I hope these links will help you.

Thinking of you.  Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

https://www.griefshare.org/countries/za/cities/johannesburg

http://www.famsawc.org.za/bereavement-counselling

http://www.sadag.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=1904&Itemid=151

 

 

 

[Gwensdaughter75]

Hello, Taz.

First, I am sorry for your tremendous loss.  And losing a mother that was also your friend, is devastating.  The day you posted this,  I was driving back home from Missouri from my own mother's funeral.

My own father died 24 years ago.  I cannot imagine what I would have done, if my father had brought one of my mother's,  younger friends into our lives, that soon.  I really don't. The only two outcomes I can see from that would have landed me in prison someplace.  I am really sorry you have to put up with that as well here, as if your mother's suffering and passing, weren't bad enough.

Don't feel guilty about being the only one your mother was nice to.  There was a reason for that.  You indicated that you had brothers, so you have no sisters?  If I'm wrong about that, I apologize, but if that is correct, then that could be part of the reason you're feeling like you have to take this on all alone.  My mother and I went through things after my father died, that my two brothers didn't understand or didn't have the patience to try and understand. And I am finding now, as the only girl, that my brothers did not see my mother, or her death, the same way as I.  If your mother was nicer to you, it was because you two had a special bond.  And she knew she could count on you.  You were her best friend as well.

Have you been able to talk to your brothers about that any of this? What do they think of this woman and the suddeness of your father's new relationship with her?