Pushed forward

[Billie Rae]

So,I've found an apartment and move in the first weekend in May,it's a cute and safe place and the manager,once he heard my story gave me a break on the rent.I know I hate this house but it feels like I'm loosing my physical tie to Charlie and I've been here for eleven years so it seems like I'm leaving my safe space.It feels like I'm being pushed into the world again.I'm sure I'll be more comfortable but I'm terrified.At least there are a lot of people my age at the complex.I know Charlie wants this for me he said so but it feels lonely and very different.

Love you all

Billie

 

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[JES]

@Billie Rae  Im so happy you found a nice place to move too. You won't be leaving Charlie behind, you'll be bringing him there with you,  he will always be with you in your heart.  Im sure it will be tough, but bring some of his things with you. He would be happy to know you are warm and safe.....and we all will be too. My thoughts are with you and Im sending hugs and lots of love to help you get through this big step. Jeanne

[Billie Rae]

Thank you Jeanne,I'm so scared to do this,but the faster it move the faster it will be for Kendra to be able to sell.And I'm the first to live in the apartment after a total renovation[emoji16]so everything is pristine.And the manager has taken me under his wing as the widow he needs to look after,he is the one who called the owner to get me a discount,sweet kid.
Big hugs to you Love
Billie

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[JES]

Billie Rae,      Im sure it will be scary but how nice to have everything new.  Am glad manager took you under his wing, how could he not?  You radiate through your posts,  you have to be even more so in person.  Love you. Jeanne

[Sunflower2]

@Billie Rae one thing we have learned or will begin to learn through our loss is that change is constant. You are doing what is necessary to do for yourself at this time.  Change is scary!!  Any step outside our comfort zone with a loss is overwhelming.  My thoughts are with you.

[KayC]

Billie Rae, I'm so glad you found a place, and you'll be taking Charlie with you, you're not leaving him behind.  I hope you go in there and make the place yours!  Comfortable, at home, with a lived in look!  It may take time for you to feel at home there, but it'll happen, the more you live there.  Wish I could see it!

[Billie Rae]

Thank you all for the love,it somehow gives me courage.I know we haven't met but you are my support system and I'm so grateful for each of you.
Love
Billie

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[ccoflove]

You are courageous, change is freightening! Its a big step, be proud of yourself. Im glad you found a nice place and are being looked after by the manager. Bring the little familiar things you shared in making a home and add new things that make it yours  Hugs

[JES]

@Billie Rae  I hope you have someone to help you with move also.  Ive never been good with change, even with Kevin here.  Know it will be extra hard for you at this time   The thought of a nice new remodeled place will helpfully make it alittle easier.....(sometimes I almost wish I didnt have to deal with my old house problems, maintenance, shoveling and 25 yrs. of stuff).....it wears me out just thinking of it.  Wishing you strength, love and energy to get you through.  Jeanne

[foreverhis]

On 4/12/2019 at 9:34 AM, ccoflove said:

Bring the little familiar things you shared in making a home

Exactly what I was thinking.  

@Billie Rae  I suggest you go through the house and gather as much as you can that is meaningful.  Then go through all of that and select the things that will likely bring you joy in the future or that will help you get through the day/night now.  Then go through the items one more time to edit it to items that will fit into your new apartment or into whatever storage you have (that's where you'll put the items for later).

I urge you to bring all photos, even ones that cause you pain now.  Just put those away for a time you'll be ready to see them.  Include items that made Charlie "Charlie," even silly or utilitarian items.  Whatever will keep him alive in your heart and mind.

But the bottom line is that Kay is right:  You will take him with you no matter where you go.  I think I understand why you might feel differently now.  I've told my sister that one reason I don't want to move is that this house is stuffed full of 22 years of memories and all the projects he did or we did together.  Another is that I've developed a support system right here on our block.  A small group (11 people) has stepped up, not just for me, but to become a community for each other.  We're all about age 60 to 70 with similar backgrounds and now everyone is saying, "Let's all stay here and help each other as we grow older."  

It sounds like you have already found people you'll be able to count on when you're in your apartment.  It's great that there are many people in your age group there.  It's so much easier to meet new people who can understand where you are in life.  The manager sounds terrific.  Moving into a newly renovated apartment will allow you to bring Charlie with you and incorporate your life together into it.

I'm proud of you for making this very scary decision.  Change is hard for all of us; change after losing our soulmates is harder still.

Hugs and comfort to you, my friend.  You deserve a break.  You really do.  

[Billie Rae]

@Foreverhis,thank you my love.I know it will be good for me to socialize again,as I've told you before,my Charlie was a hermit and was happy with just the two of us and me,I'm a social butterfly I'll talk to anyone[emoji16]but for the last eleven years I've had to curb that to make him comfortable.The whole neighborhood where I'm going(only 10 blocks from where I live now)is made up of a lot of people my age and a very diverse crowd and is set up to be very walkable.I'm taking some of his tools with me to use daily and his carhart hoodies and his work gloves.
I know I must give this a chance or I will find myself being"that mean old lady"that everyone is scared of,bitter and hateful.
I love you my friend.
And all of you.your support and love keep me moving forward.
Billie

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[Billie Rae]

Oh and the manager at my new apartment is going to keep the electric in the apartment name so I don't have to pay electricity for 4 months[emoji16]

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[KayC]

Wow!  You must have a way of charming the socks off people!  I wish there was a thumbs up sign here!

[Billie Rae]

Wow!  You must have a way of charming the socks off people!  I wish there was a thumbs up sign here!

Not really it's more the kindness of most people,if you allow them to understand the things you are going through most(not all)will have compassion and I've found being open about myself actually makes people want to help in some way.And when they find out I'm a caregiver it makes them be gentle with me[emoji16]

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[KayC]

I don't know, maybe you don't see it in yourself but I think it's something about you that stands out...I never had anyone offer to knock anything off my bill!    Just saying...and all the neighbors wanting to help you, that's great!

[JES]

@Billie Rae  I agree with kay, I see that extra specialness in you,  whether you see it or now.   Love to you dear.

[foreverhis]

@Billie Rae  I also agree with Kay.  When you posted your picture with Charlie, my second thought was "I would love to meet her!"  My first was "What gorgeous red hair.  Lucky."
 

I have to admit that I have used charm, cute looks (when I was younger mostly), and baked goods to get men to do what I want.  It's not usually intentional, except the baked goods and those are generally for a thank you.  I simply make sure that people know how much I appreciate them and their help. 

There was a woman I worked with who could never understand why the support staff always did whatever I asked and made me a priority.  I didn't quite know how to explain to her that it was because she treated them like "the help" and "less than" she was just because she had college degrees and a small private office, just like me.  By contrast, I made sure they knew I considered their jobs as important as mine and always appreciated their efforts to make my job easier.  That and the occasional plate of homemade cookies if they'd gone above and beyond got me whatever I wanted whenever I needed it.

So, my dear, do not underestimate the fact that you are quite simply a nice person.  I suspect even in the depths of grief you exude a charm and caring nature that make people want to help you.  And, of course, we're neither of us stupid enough to say, "No thanks" to the things that help us right now.  One of the contractors who will be starting a huge (for us), expensive, and necessary project in 2 weeks offered me the discounted winter rate, instead of the regular spring-fall rate.  Of course, I said yes and thank you with a big smile.

[KayC]

Ahh you women are wise!  I recently had a plumber out to my home.  We chatted amiably as he worked and when I got the bill I noted he'd only charged me the minimum fee ($100) plus cost of part ($15.95), came in at much less than I expected.  If I'd had to call someone from the valley it would have been double that at least.

[Billie Rae]

[mention=412480]Billie Rae[/mention]  I also agree with Kay.  When you posted your picture with Charlie, my second thought was "I would love to meet her!"  My first was "What gorgeous red hair.  Lucky."
 
I have to admit that I have used charm, cute looks (when I was younger mostly), and baked goods to get men to do what I want.  It's not usually intentional, except the baked goods and those are generally for a thank you.  I simply make sure that people know how much I appreciate them and their help. 
There was a woman I worked with who could never understand why the support staff always did whatever I asked and made me a priority.  I didn't quite know how to explain to her that it was because she treated them like "the help" and "less than" she was just because she had college degrees and a small private office, just like me.  By contrast, I made sure they knew I considered their jobs as important as mine and always appreciated their efforts to make my job easier.  That and the occasional plate of homemade cookies if they'd gone above and beyond got me whatever I wanted whenever I needed it.
So, my dear, do not underestimate the fact that you are quite simply a nice person.  I suspect even in the depths of grief you exude a charm and caring nature that make people want to help you.  And, of course, we're neither of us stupid enough to say, "No thanks" to the things that help us right now.  One of the contractors who will be starting a huge (for us), expensive, and necessary project in 2 weeks offered me the discounted winter rate, instead of the regular spring-fall rate.  Of course, I said yes and thank you with a big smile.

Exactly on how to treat people,I once was the packing foreman at Sennhieser and when I got my performance bonuses I would split it with my team,after all it was them that made me look good.kindness begets kindness.And thank you for the compliments.I hate my hair,makes me stand out in a crowd and I get all the mean redhead stories[emoji21]
Love you all
Billie

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[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

I hate my hair,makes me stand out in a crowd and I get all the mean redhead stories

Oh, my dear, I am so sorry.  One of my close friends is a redhead.  I remember her getting teased from time to time.  That made me quite upset on her behalf.  You should be able to love all the things that make you unique, not be singled out and insulted.

I think your hair is beautiful in part because it's simply a part of who you are.  I wish you didn't have to endure nastiness because of something that is truly lovely.

[JES]

I love red hair also...and it really sounds like all of you are great people!  I have leaky pipe in basement sink, eventually need to get it fixed.  But 1st I need to dye my hair a beautiful red,  smile and be a nice person, and bake up a batch of cookies  Love you all.  Jeanne

[KayC]

I agree, embrace who you are, red hair and all, it's the envy of us all!  10+ years ago when I was trying to figure out what to do with my greying hair, I talked to my beautician about it but she said I don't have the skin tone for a redhead, I have it for a blonde, oddly enough that's what I used to be before hormone changes.  I guess our skin doesn't change even though our hair does.  Be glad it isn't grey, it comes soon enough!  YIou're beautiful as you are.

[Billie Rae]

Aww thanks you guys[emoji8]as I've gotten older I'm learning to embrace what makes me different,after Charlie left I stopped wearing makeup(used to be an hour and a half project)and no one noticed! To think of all the sleep I lost....And now I know in my heart kindness is more lasting than being cute.
I love you all

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[Stevie]

Billie Rae moving out of the house was hard for me. I moved out on Dec. 22 and he passed away Nov.22 . His family regarded me as “just the person who lived with him”. He owned the house not me so when he passed away I was asked to leave by the end of the year.

I had to find a house because we had 2 dogs and a cat together. Something in my head told me where I should find a place. Two weeks after he passed away and looking at some creepy places I found the perfect house. And it’s located EXACTLY where the voice in my head told me to look.

When I walked into the house to look at it I knew I had to live there. It felt warm, comfortable like a big hug. And it has a nice big back yard with a privacy fence. Perfect for the dogs.I told my realtor to do whatever he had to do I could rent the house.

 I had to jump through a lot of hoops and borrow money but I got the house. I am renting it and my sister moved in with me for support emotionally and helping me out with the bills. I was meant to live in that house.

Moving day was extremely hard. I knew I had to leave but I didn’t want to leave. I was a wreck emotionally. I was also physically weak, tired and stressed out. When I got to the new house I passed out. My body and mind was put through the ringer and couldn’t take anymore. 

I’m a teacher so I had time off for the holidays. I didn’t unpack anything but my clothes and the things of his that are important to me. My sister had her friends over to help her finish unpacking and organizing everything because I would’ve left everything where it was placed.

For a while I would cry in the drive away every time I arrived at the house. Just recently I started calling it home. In the beginning it was just a place to live, now it’s my home. I love the house. I know he would’ve lived this house.He would be happy that the dogs have a big yard to run and play. 

I believe that my Roger was the voice in my head telling me where I should look for a place. I believe that he had hand in me finding the house and God helped me get the house.  It’s located EXACTLY where the voice in my head said I should live. 

I have pictures of Roger all over the house. I have his giant recliner and when I sit in the chair it’s like sitting in a big hug.

I knew after he passed away I would have to move. I didn’t plan on leaving so quickly, but the change of scenery, location and city have done me some good. I’m surrounded by his pictures and things but it helped me start taking in all the new changes in my life. I still cry. I miss him every day but I believe in his own way my Roger led to my new home.

[Billie Rae]

Stevie,thank you for that.I'm staying in our neighborhood so everything feels like home.My Charlie knew I hated our house so his daughter will take it because I can't pay for it anyway.Charlie wanted to see me safe and warm(we heated with wood)and so I shall be.I hope I remember to turn in the right place to go to my new home.it's just so strange,I've been in this house for so very long.
Love to you
Billie

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[KayC]

Stevie,

I'm so glad you found just the right place to live and his recliner feels like a big hug.  This is inspiring for others having to make a move.  Thank you for sharing!

[JES]

@Billie Rae  I know your probably very busy with moving last couple days. Know that Ive been thinking of you and hoping that you are doing ok, and maybe in your new place getting settled..I know this is tough for you. Love ya. Jeanne

[Billie Rae]

So I'm moved and my apartment is actually nice,my washer is ultrasonic,hmm no beaters and load done in 19 minutes[emoji15]
The carpet is soft,the manager actually is letting me put nails and screws in the walls with no ding to my security deposit!
The guys I got to put together my Amazon furniture were amazing.My step daughter already got the house through probate and will be on the market next week.
My apartment is full of boxes and it's so slow unpacking but I want to get it right.
My big problem?I sure wish I had done this with Charlie,it's safe and warm and so comfortable,I'm still alone,without my big guy.I have made new friends already but still feel apart.So some joy,a lot of pain,as I'm slowly unpacking I find things he gave me,pottery he did in high school dated in 69 and 70,his suspenders etc.I wish I could do this with him,he would so love this,everything clean and nice and new.
Why Why couldn't we do this together?
Why did the good stuff start without him,And can he see I'm okay?well not really
Oh Charlie,you would have loved this.
Thanks Jeanne and Kayc for your love and help.
To all my heart there is hope,it hurts,but there is hope
I love you all[emoji307]

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[ccoflove]

Im glad to hear you are happy in your new place Billie Rae. I think of you and admire your courage to make such a big change so quickly. I am having trouble accepting letting go of our house and the emotional attachment to our place, so i can imagine how hard it must be to leave the familar. It sounds like your push forward is helping you start a new life that works for you and gets you meeting people. Your Charlie must pleased you are safe, cozy and comfortable. ❤

[KayC]

Billie Rae, 

I am so happy for you to have this behind you and that you like the place!  Oh wow, I was class of 70 so must be similar age to him.  I'm sure it's poignant going through everything.  Sending you hugs!

[Billie Rae]

Kayc he was born in 53.
Thank you both for well wishes.I'm exhausted only about 5 hours sleep all week.ccoflove,I hated our house anyway,he never finished the inside and it created it's own dirt and spiders and it was cold with only wood heat.we fought a lot about his lack of motivation to fix it,so not sad to leave.I just wish he could enjoy this warm and soft fluffy buttercream carpet(no shoes allowed!)and so very clean.
Love to all
Billie

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[JES]

I am so happy you like your new place and thats its cozy and warm and new. You deserve it and Charlie is there with you in spirit. Glad you are meeting new people,  it will keep you busy.  And you may be finally able to get some much needed sleep.  Wishing you alittle peace and sending love. Jeanne

[JES]

@Billie Rae  I hope you have gotten settled in your new place and are doing well..  I haven't posted much lately, have been staying busy also so doing alittle catch up tonight. Thinking of you and sending love. Jeanne