Lost, devestated

[Andy1799]

My cat and I have been together for about 4.5 years. I got him when i was in a really bad relationship, and took him with me when I left. This cat has got me through so many rough things over the past 4.5 years, including a full out mental breakdown. This cat helped save my life. I have never seen a bond with a cat like we had. He was like a mini dog. Followed me everywhere, stood on his hind legs and batter me non stop for attention, was always pressed up against me. If he could find me he roamed the house meowing. SLept everynight pressed to my chest. Heck the cat followed verbal commands i could just say "lets go" and hed run. Or "come downstairs" and there he'd go.

Last saturday he was walking across the kitchen. He back end dropped. no meowing or anything. BUt he dragged himself across the kitchen and down the steps. I knew something was wrong, went after him, found him behind the couch stuck on power cord, he couldnt move his back end. Grabbed him and hurried to the pet hospital, he was meowing a bit. We waited there for about an hour, then were told it was 3-5 more hours to see a vet. SO i took him and headed for another pet hospital. At this point hes meowing alot, hes in pain. They took him right back. Determined he had a clot in his spine. REally nothing that can be done, his back end has no circulation, and extreme pain. I had them give him morphine to ease the pain and let me spend some time with him. THen I held him as they put him down. 

Im crushed. Im crying as a type this. Like i said this cat saved my life. I feel like theres a giant whole, numb, i dont know what to do in the morning not feeding him, or cleaning his litter box, or just sitting down to pet him. Im not sleeping. im just a mess. 

 I really just wanted to type out how I am feeling. I havent worked up the courage to read others grief yet. But to those who read this. I wish you all the best, and peace.

I

[Filly]

I'm so sorry to read of the loss of your cat.  It rips your heart out, feels like that anyway.  I know the feeling all too well and share in your grief.  It's even more painful when it is so sudden and they are so young.  They are such an intense part of our lives, and then they are gone.  It's so hard, as losing a really close loved one always is.

Reading this, I knew before you said it ... a clot. I lost one of mine in that manner and it was horrible, but in our case, Maurice was well over 20 years old and my vet had told me this could happen at his age and heart health. There really isn't anything they can do.

Try to be kind to yourself in the days that come and surround yourself with anything and everyone that brings even a bit of joy and peace to you.  We always wonder, "what if" and "if only".  It's all part of the grieving process that we all go through during times like this.

[Andy1799]

Thank u so much for your kindn words

[KayC]

I am so sorry, I hadn't heard of this happening, you did the right thing though, you placed your cat's needs ahead of your own wishes to hang on to him, that's what a good parent does.  I know he was your companion and it's so hard to lose them when we're so close.  Filly is right, what ifs are part of the grief process, we just wish there was something we could have done but there isn't.  (((hugs)))

 

[Andy1799]

8 hours ago, Filly said:

I'm so sorry to read of the loss of your cat.  It rips your heart out, feels like that anyway.  I know the feeling all too well and share in your grief.  It's even more painful when it is so sudden and they are so young.  They are such an intense part of our lives, and then they are gone.  It's so hard, as losing a really close loved one always is.

Reading this, I knew before you said it ... a clot. I lost one of mine in that manner and it was horrible, but in our case, Maurice was well over 20 years old and my vet had told me this could happen at his age and heart health. There really isn't anything they can do.

Try to be kind to yourself in the days that come and surround yourself with anything and everyone that brings even a bit of joy and peace to you.  We always wonder, "what if" and "if only".  It's all part of the grieving process that we all go through during times like this.

 

18 minutes ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry, I hadn't heard of this happening, you did the right thing though, you placed your cat's needs ahead of your own wishes to hang on to him, that's what a good parent does.  I know he was your companion and it's so hard to lose them when we're so close.  Filly is right, what ifs are part of the grief process, we just wish there was something we could have done but there isn't.  (((hugs)))

 

thank you both

[Andy1799]

20 minutes ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry, I hadn't heard of this happening, you did the right thing though, you placed your cat's needs ahead of your own wishes to hang on to him, that's what a good parent does.  I know he was your companion and it's so hard to lose them when we're so close.  Filly is right, what ifs are part of the grief process, we just wish there was something we could have done but there isn't.  (((hugs)))

 

and this video made me cry

[catawampus]

Andy, I am so sorry for your loss. Your story is just devastating. They are such a huge part of our lives, the grief we feel when they are gone and the hole they leave in our lives is immense. The hurt sometimes feels like it will never go away. I'm glad you found this forum. The people here are such a help and have literally saved my life these past couple of weeks since I lost my Biscuit Boy. I hope you can find some degree of comfort here.

What has also helped me so much is a chatroom here: https://www.aplb.org/

Be well.

 

[Andy1799]

4 hours ago, catawampus said:

Andy, I am so sorry for your loss. Your story is just devastating. They are such a huge part of our lives, the grief we feel when they are gone and the hole they leave in our lives is immense. The hurt sometimes feels like it will never go away. I'm glad you found this forum. The people here are such a help and have literally saved my life these past couple of weeks since I lost my Biscuit Boy. I hope you can find some degree of comfort here.

What has also helped me so much is a chatroom here: https://www.aplb.org/

Be well.

 

Thank you for your words. You are right the grief is immense. The whole left is massive. It almost is or is worse than losing a person. Because you are so used to caring for your buddy who depends on you and loves you unconditionally!

im so sorry for your loss as well. I’m glad you have found some solace these last few weeks

[Filly]

Thinking of you today and all who are in pain with the loss of their furry loves.  Life does go on, although we feel as if it has stopped for us. 

I know not everyone is the same, but it has always helped me to find another friend who needs me just as I need them.  No one can replace another, but can help to heal the hole that is left.  For me, it brings me comfort to know that I am helping another and they bring me comfort with their presence.  I do not like being cat-less.  I like having someone to come home to, someone to talk to and someone to look after.  There are so many out there that need a home that I have always grieved for awhile and then will open my eyes, heart and home to another, even knowing that they too will have to leave me some day.  The pain of losing them is no where near the joy that they bring while here.  

I wish you comfort and peace.

[Andy1799]

4 minutes ago, Filly said:

Thinking of you today and all who are in pain with the loss of their furry loves.  Life does go on, although we feel as if it has stopped for us. 

I know not everyone is the same, but it has always helped me to find another friend who needs me just as I need them.  No one can replace another, but can help to heal the hole that is left.  For me, it brings me comfort to know that I am helping another and they bring me comfort with their presence.  I do not like being cat-less.  I like having someone to come home to, someone to talk to and someone to look after.  There are so many out there that need a home that I have always grieved for awhile and then will open my eyes, heart and home to another, even knowing that they too will have to leave me some day.  The pain of losing them is no where near the joy that they bring while here.  

I wish you comfort and peace.

I totally agree, and plan to find another friend. I am just not ready yet.

I also dont think i will find the bond I had with this cat. It was like nothing I have ever seen or heard of. Pure attachment, pure love. You are right the joy does outweigh the loss. But the pure change in lifestyle is maddening. I will be adopting. I like to adopt from shelters.

This fella was actually a runaway, that I took in, and couldnt find his owner. I kinda think he was dumped, because never ever ever did he make the slightest attempt to get outside, nor if he was outside did he wanna be there. And there he was coming to my door for a week, standing on his hind legs, pounding on the door to get in. I fed him, fed him, then gave in. 

[Filly]

Sometimes they show up in our lives that way and sometimes we go out and find them or each other, but with everyone that I've had, I thought there will never be another one like that.  And in a way, there is not, never will be another one like them, but the strong love, the bond and attachment has happened with every cat that I've had and even with some cats that were not mine.  

I'm glad that your cat found you.  He knew a good thing when he found it!  I wish you two were able to have had a longer life together.  Yet no matter the length of time, it is never enough.

Surely, you are not ready for another yet, but you will be and I am happy to hear that you will be open to another.  I have a feeling that one will find you that will be prrrrrfect.

[+Jeffrey+]

Very sorry for your loss, and I truly know how you feel. I lost my dear cat Lady G. back in January, and it's been very hard on me. Our hearts are broken, but the beautiful memories we have of our babies, will keep us going.

Wishing you the very best.

[KayC]

My Miss Mocha found me just like yours found you...she'd likely been dumped here (I live in the country), but I thought she had to belong to someone, she was so beautiful and special!  After shooing her off for a couple of months I finally realized she was living in the top of my garage and had nowhere to go, so I took her in.  I had her 10 1/2 years, I don't know how old she was when she came to me, I miss her still, I believe a cougar got her, and I've mourned her since the day she disappeared 06/03/16.  I have another cat but as you well know, they are all so different, so I continue to miss my beautiful girl.

At first I cried with anguish, now it seems my tears are on the inside as I carry my grief...in time we begin to adjust to what we cannot change but always I will miss her and look towards the day I can be with her again.

[Andy1799]

14 hours ago, Filly said:

Sometimes they show up in our lives that way and sometimes we go out and find them or each other, but with everyone that I've had, I thought there will never be another one like that.  And in a way, there is not, never will be another one like them, but the strong love, the bond and attachment has happened with every cat that I've had and even with some cats that were not mine.  

I'm glad that your cat found you.  He knew a good thing when he found it!  I wish you two were able to have had a longer life together.  Yet no matter the length of time, it is never enough.

Surely, you are not ready for another yet, but you will be and I am happy to hear that you will be open to another.  I have a feeling that one will find you that will be prrrrrfect.

haha i think they will be perfect as well

[Andy1799]

8 hours ago, +Jeffrey+ said:

Very sorry for your loss, and I truly know how you feel. I lost my dear cat Lady G. back in January, and it's been very hard on me. Our hearts are broken, but the beautiful memories we have of our babies, will keep us going.

Wishing you the very best.

im very sorry for your loss? have things gotten easier for you? have you found another fur baby?

[Andy1799]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

My Miss Mocha found me just like yours found you...she'd likely been dumped here (I live in the country), but I thought she had to belong to someone, she was so beautiful and special!  After shooing her off for a couple of months I finally realized she was living in the top of my garage and had nowhere to go, so I took her in.  I had her 10 1/2 years, I don't know how old she was when she came to me, I miss her still, I believe a cougar got her, and I've mourned her since the day she disappeared 06/03/16.  I have another cat but as you well know, they are all so different, so I continue to miss my beautiful girl.

At first I cried with anguish, now it seems my tears are on the inside as I carry my grief...in time we begin to adjust to what we cannot change but always I will miss her and look towards the day I can be with her again.

Mine had a chip in it! i didnt wanna give him up, but tried to contact them, they didnt even reply when the vet contacted them! your last sentence is very touching and so true. 

Im 34 years old, and like i said these past 4 years have been awful, medically, life situation wise, etc. I did have a mental breakdown because of it all. I do swear that cat saved my life. Here we are a week later and i spend all day at my job in healthcare helping others, i have students for the next 3 months that im training, and others that im training at work. Im good at my job, i have a lot of responsibility. Despite my breakdown, i have myself together. I come home and just sit. Im lost. I have tears. The rainbow bridge video broke me down.

I know it will get easier. But, just not what I needed right now, not that you ever need it.............

 

BUt i truly thank you all for taking time out of your days, to take a moment and empathize and lend some kind words to another, it does make a difference

[+Jeffrey+]

20 minutes ago, Andy1799 said:

im very sorry for your loss? have things gotten easier for you? have you found another fur baby?

I'd say it's gotten a little easier, but of course, I'm still getting upset and crying at least once a day. Sometimes it's brief, other times it takes me several minutes to get myself together. I had a few days in a row recently that were bad. Hard not to think of her and not get a little upset. And there are so many reminders of her around my house. I just miss her so very much. She was very special to me. And I haven't really been thinking too much about another cat. Every cat I've had, has came up around the house and chose me, so I think I'll continue to let them come into my life this way. I would give all cats a home if I could do so. Always had a special place in my heart for cats. And honestly, every one I've had were just as loving and awesome as they could be. I had Lady G. longer than any of them.

You hang in there, you're going to be just fine.

[Andy1799]

10 minutes ago, +Jeffrey+ said:

I'd say it's gotten a little easier, but of course, I'm still getting upset and crying at least once a day. Sometimes it's brief, other times it takes me several minutes to get myself together. I had a few days in a row recently that were bad. Hard not to think of her and not get a little upset. And there are so many reminders of her around my house. I just miss her so very much. She was very special to me. And I haven't really been thinking too much about another cat. Every cat I've had, has came up around the house and chose me, so I think I'll continue to let them come into my life this way. I would give all cats a home if I could do so. Always had a special place in my heart for cats. And honestly, every one I've had were just as loving and awesome as they could be. I had Lady G. longer than any of them.

You hang in there, you're going to be just fine.

Thank you!

[KayC]

Andy, you remind me of my daughter (she's 36), has also been through (and is still going through) a very tough time and her cats are her bright light in her life.  She lost one, Casey, a few years ago and it was very hard on her, she actually got Casey's paw print tattooed on her ankle area.  I pray that other cat that needs a special home finds you...

[Andy1799]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

Andy, you remind me of my daughter (she's 36), has also been through (and is still going through) a very tough time and her cats are her bright light in her life.  She lost one, Casey, a few years ago and it was very hard on her, she actually got Casey's paw print tattooed on her ankle area.  I pray that other cat that needs a special home finds you...

That does sound similar. It was my bright light. I’d get a tattoo but I think. The paw print may be a bit feminine for me haha