Can’t get over death from when I was a kid

[TiredofPretending]

When I was 5ish, my brother died. Dad was traveling a lot and didn’t show much love (nothing against him, he’s a great father) during my early development, so my brother kinda filled that space. 

Car accident, just him, I barely remember that night, but I remember the long nights thereafter. Crying to myself, thinking about my own death, missing my true friend to my core. 

I’m almost 25; it’s been 20 years, and I still can’t get over it. I’ve been to therapy, I’ve read self-help books, I’ve turned to God. But the whirlwind of emotion that suddenly presents itself tends to coalesce into insurmountable pain, regret, anger, and especially self-doubt. It’s overwhelming.

I want to be normal... so desperately, so I put on a facade. Most people like me, and see me as successful, but I get really, really, really lonely. Sure, there’s moments of joy and happiness that are all too real, but the line of emotional neutrality, as I like to call it, is low, so the highs are medium, and the lows go down to rock bottom.

I’m seeing a new therapist soon so hopefully that will help. Also, his birthday was last week, so maybe that’s why it’s hitting hard right now. 

Just wondering if there’s anyone else out there with a similar situation; I would really like someone to talk to about it. 

Thanks,

Rob

 

[reader]

Dear Rob,

I am so sorry for your loss and for all your pain and sorrow. It is a lot for a young person to cope with. I hope others will come forward to share their experience.

Please know that grief is something that can affect us for our whole lives. It sounds like you are taking all the right steps to try and cope. I don't know if reading these websites can give you some additional support.

What's Your Grief

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

GriefShare

Grief Recovery Method

Tiny Buddha.

Sending my thoughts and prayers.

[llamas]

Oh goodness. I am so sorry. I don't have resources to share. I think it's good that you recognize possible triggers, like your brother's birthday having recently passed.

One thing I've been doing is keeping a journal (pen to paper), which is different than typing. It's been helpful for me. I just get all the stuff out of my head in it. I know I will be emotional again but I can at least allow myself a moment of emotional rest because I've written it down. Have you tried something like this?

Prayers and all my best to you.

[TiredofPretending]

Thanks to both of you for the kind words and helpful tips

I will definitely check out those websites. As for journaling, I definitely have tried to do those; they get pretty dark, but it’s nice to have a place to go. 

Sorry for the late response; the notification went to my junk mail. Once again, I appreciate the tips and the thoughts and prayers