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Grieving friend lashed out during a difficult period


silvermoonandstars

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silvermoonandstars

Hi there

Sorry if this is under the wrong section but this is my first time here and I just need to get this off my chest.

One of my oldest friends recently lost her father, he'd been ill for a number of years so his passing was expected although still a shock. As you'd expect my friend is devastated, she had a beautifully close relationship with her father and it is really plain to see she's in a great deal of distress. I've tried to be as supportive as I can, I'm actively trying not to bombard her with contact and really trying not to add to her distress. I get that she's surrounded by her family, close family friends and her husband so this is why I'm actively not trying to be around her as I don't want to overwhelm her during this time. 

She tried reaching out a few weeks ago but with work and my studies I was unable to meet her - although I wasn't able to physically see her I did express that she could call me whenever and I'd always be a listening ear - she understood this but did make an odd comment about how she understood "that I couldn't prioritze her at the moment" It was an odd comment but I thought it better not to question it.

 

So the issue starts a few days later when she messages wanting to meet - we've had discussions previously that weekends are the best time as I am busy during the week, she proceeds to drop a very sarcastic comment that she wants to meet on a weekend day but then adds "but you probably won't be free anyway ". This seems like a minor comment but she decides to do this the day after what would have been my fathers 60th birthday and as the second anniversary of my cousins death is approaching. In a nutshell March is the anniversary of my fathers passing, his birthday and the day we laid him to rest, as well as the anniversary of my cousin passing away. It is unfortunately a very difficult month for me and I'm overly emotional and sensitive. This year just so happened to be the 10th anniversary of my fathers passing and in all honestly my head has been all over the place.

 

Obviously I cannot have a go at my grieving friend but her comment, combined with the date just made me see red and I responded with "that's why I ask you to arrange things in advance, not last minute" - looking back now I just shouldn't have replied to the sarcastic comment but I was mad, this ends up being a full scale argument with her blasting the immortal line "you have no idea what I'm going through" Which again, owing to the date made me even more furious. I get that my relationship with my father was nothing like her at all, nor do I like comparing but her comment to me seemed way out of line. 

This happened over a week ago and I'm still angry and refuse to speak to my friend. Maybe I am overracting and should have taken the moral high ground and not replied but I haven't felt anger like that for a long time, I get she's going through a terrible time, I really do but I'm failing to see how that excuses her to attack me when I'm struggling too. I'm not about to guilt trip her and tell her what she's done but I'm not about to let her think she's okay to talk to me like that. 

The whole thing really upset me, I think I'm upset because she's one of my oldest friends and she's really hurt me, but I feel bad for being upset because she's in a really bad place right now - it's kind of confusing....

Sorry if this seems a little confusing but this is really bothering me.

 

 

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Dear silvermoonandstars,

I'm so sorry to hear what happened with your oldest friend and the hard feelings that ensued. It is difficult. You, too are going through a difficult time with the 10 year anniversary of your beloved dad and cousin. It was only natural that there would be a clash resulting in hurt feelings.

Because your friend's grief is so fresh, us grievers sort of expect everyone around us to drop everything to be with us or give us unconditional sympathy and empathy. We have heightened expectations from those we are closest too. And in reality that is not really fair because everyone has a life and their own issues.

Till my dad passed, I never knew how raw I would feel. When my oldest friend lost her mother, I gave a card, flowers and even donated to the charity mentioned in the obit. But I failed to follow up with phone calls and texts. I was sorry to hurt her because I was busy caring for my dad and feeling overwhelmed with work as well. We all just to do the best we can.

If you can and when you are ready. Maybe just say to your friend. I'm so sorry for your pain and sorrow. I truly hear you. I don't want to hurt your feelings but this is where I'm at right now. I'm sure your friend doesn't mean to come across as unreasonable but sometimes grief makes us too raw to see anything clearly.

I hope you can work things out with your friend.

Take care.

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Hi, my good friend of 10 years recently lost her boyfriend. She had been with him for nearly 7 years and both in their 50s. The last 6 months prior to his death they were not together a joint decision, but when she learned of his illness about 4 weeks before he passed, they got together again. It was sooo sad. 

I suffer from depression/anxiety and recently got diagnosed with a life-long blood disease as well as osteoporosis and arthritis in my spine and hands hence the physical pain. I had to leave my job as a Service Manager in Automotive as I had a breakdown. I was earning high and life was good, then boom!  This happened a year ago. I have been seeing a psychiatrist ever since struggling with each day.  Then my friend lost him just 2 months ago. I broke my heart for her and was there for her as much as I  could be. I too lost my husband my soul mate 7 years ago to leukemia so I know the sadness.

A few weeks ago I was having an ok day and felt I could go out (i don't venture out and recluse myself for weeks) and so I asked a friend to come with me for support and to drive as I sometimes can't drive. I wanted to catch up with my grieving mate as we hadn't seen each other for a week or so. She has been sooo angry since he died and out of control loud aggressive behavior. She proceeded to scream at me telling me basically I'm a crap friend and she NEEDS FRIENDS TO BE AROUND HER NOT JUST TEXT OR PHONE. She really had a massive outburst and it was all directed at me in front of others! She has a large family and many many close other friends who were able to do that for her. I however struggled to be around her as the anger was intolerable. I had no apology or even a mention of the episode. I have since slipped backwards and reclusing more than ever and afraid to be in her company.  I felt sooo hurt and upset and shocked and terrified as I thought she understood my illness and me. 

Under the guidance of my psychiatrist I text her a brief letter saying how I love her and feel so much for what she's going through but can only be around certain people at this time due to my illness and to please stop trying to contact me as I need to focus on getting well. I was so careful not to accuse her of anything as I don't want to add to her situation. 

I am at a loss as to how to carry on - she is trying to contact me and I'm terrified of a repeat performance as I HAVE TO look after my wellbeing so need to not see or hear from her for a while. She's not understanding me at all. I do not have mental capacity for her massive angry personality atm and need her to stop.

Any advice would be so appreciated. Thanks for listening x

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On 3/31/2019 at 7:20 AM, silvermoonandstars said:

Hi there

Sorry if this is under the wrong section but this is my first time here and I just need to get this off my chest.

One of my oldest friends recently lost her father, he'd been ill for a number of years so his passing was expected although still a shock. As you'd expect my friend is devastated, she had a beautifully close relationship with her father and it is really plain to see she's in a great deal of distress. I've tried to be as supportive as I can, I'm actively trying not to bombard her with contact and really trying not to add to her distress. I get that she's surrounded by her family, close family friends and her husband so this is why I'm actively not trying to be around her as I don't want to overwhelm her during this time. 

She tried reaching out a few weeks ago but with work and my studies I was unable to meet her - although I wasn't able to physically see her I did express that she could call me whenever and I'd always be a listening ear - she understood this but did make an odd comment about how she understood "that I couldn't prioritze her at the moment" It was an odd comment but I thought it better not to question it.

 

So the issue starts a few days later when she messages wanting to meet - we've had discussions previously that weekends are the best time as I am busy during the week, she proceeds to drop a very sarcastic comment that she wants to meet on a weekend day but then adds "but you probably won't be free anyway ". This seems like a minor comment but she decides to do this the day after what would have been my fathers 60th birthday and as the second anniversary of my cousins death is approaching. In a nutshell March is the anniversary of my fathers passing, his birthday and the day we laid him to rest, as well as the anniversary of my cousin passing away. It is unfortunately a very difficult month for me and I'm overly emotional and sensitive. This year just so happened to be the 10th anniversary of my fathers passing and in all honestly my head has been all over the place.

 

Obviously I cannot have a go at my grieving friend but her comment, combined with the date just made me see red and I responded with "that's why I ask you to arrange things in advance, not last minute" - looking back now I just shouldn't have replied to the sarcastic comment but I was mad, this ends up being a full scale argument with her blasting the immortal line "you have no idea what I'm going through" Which again, owing to the date made me even more furious. I get that my relationship with my father was nothing like her at all, nor do I like comparing but her comment to me seemed way out of line. 

This happened over a week ago and I'm still angry and refuse to speak to my friend. Maybe I am overracting and should have taken the moral high ground and not replied but I haven't felt anger like that for a long time, I get she's going through a terrible time, I really do but I'm failing to see how that excuses her to attack me when I'm struggling too. I'm not about to guilt trip her and tell her what she's done but I'm not about to let her think she's okay to talk to me like that. 

The whole thing really upset me, I think I'm upset because she's one of my oldest friends and she's really hurt me, but I feel bad for being upset because she's in a really bad place right now - it's kind of confusing....

Sorry if this seems a little confusing but this is really bothering me.

 

 

I hear you, I am in similar situation to you. Please see my post x

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tsungaivesta

You know. I really empathize with you but I feel as though I need to play devils advocate for your friend here.

I did the same thing to a two of my friends and even my boyfriend. I can’t lie that I regret it. I needed an outlet for my anger. I still do. I’m so angry all the time.

I think your friend felt an overwhelming amount of emotions and bc you’ve been friends for so long she felt as though you were a constant. Such a strong constant that even if she showed you her complete ugly, you’d still love her.

Well at least that’s where I was coming from. All three relationships have broken down now. And even as I look back now, it made me realize that when you say you love someone, sometimes you need to put yourself aside and just give them compassion.

If my friends and bf had been there more or more visible during the first month or had shown more compassion, maybe we’d be in a different place but also the same goes to say if I hadn’t lashed out, we wouldn’t be here

All I’m trying to say is that, you’ve been there, you know the pain of grief and how it just takes over you and makes you automatically ugly and when it’s fresh the ugly is so overwhelming and it is continuously drowning one. So consider cut ginger her some slack?

Apologies if I over stepped with this post


Sent from my iPhone using Grieving.com

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