Should I send this email?

[foreverhis]

I thought I'd ask all of you because you'll understand.

Over the past few months, my small circle of friends and family have drifted away somewhat.  They're not in the area, so I know that's part of it, but I can't help starting to feel abandoned by the people who I've always been there for and who had been there in the past, even recent past.  I know I could reach out to them, but honestly I just don't feel up to making that effort.  Our neighbors have really stepped up, which takes some of the sting out of it, but I'm starting to get upset about it.

Our daughter hadn't called in a few weeks, but left a message tonight.  I didn't pick up the phone for two reasons.  One is that I've been getting lots of robocalls and the other is that I just didn't want to talk to anyone because I've had a really bad few days.  She apologized for not calling, etc. and of course, I know she loves me and I love her, so I'm not angry, but I am disappointed.

After I listened to her message, I wrote an email and then saved it to my Drafts folder because it's never a good idea to send something when you're upset.  Plus, I'm feeling really lousy physically tonight, so that's not helping my mental state one little bit.

In it, I told her flat out how I've been feeling and that no one else in the family or circle of friends is checking in either.  I said I felt abandoned and alone.  And I told her that I had mentioned it to her aunt some time back.  Her aunt said that it was maybe a complement because everyone knows I've always been strong, so people didn't think I needed help.  Well, I very nicely (because I never swear at people) called BS on that.  And I wrote the same thing to our daughter that anyone who really knows me knows that only one thing could break me and that was losing her dad.  I even admitted that I'm fully aware I'm feeling sorry for myself, but that I think right now I'm entitled.  I filled her in briefly on my current health issues, physical and emotional.

Then I filled her in on the "this and that" of house projects and such.  And then I saved the email and put it away for tonight.

So there's my question:  Would sending this be beneficial or harmful?  Would it be nothing useful or might it make a difference?  I'm really torn because I do tend to bottle things up sometimes.  I don't always know when that's a good or bad thing to do.

Thank you, my friends, for your insight and advice.  I'm wondering how I ever managed those first 5 months without you.

[HPB]

In short: I think you did exactly the right thing. Writing down the thoughts, the anger  ...but not sending it. 

I was abandoned, dropped out of the life of former neighbors which I thought were best friends of my wife and me. A few years back they told me that they would probably be divorced if my wife and I wouldn't have played the role of the moderator - calming the things down - when they had a seriously stirred up relationship. So their dust settled, and now they left me in my tragedy alone. I thought about sending them an email too, but I'm glad I didn't. We can not change the people. Some of them come to a better understanding later by themselves. And a pushing towards the reality as it is just brings them farther away from the ignored truths. A good friend of mine recently - after almost one year silence - wrote an email to me stating that they thought in the beginning I needed "some rest" and "time for myself". I met him one week ago for a nice full afternoon talk. And he confessed: "Actually we knew it was not good to not call up, reach out. But we were paralized, unable to act, not knowing what to say, what to do. So finally we did nothing"; 

...which was the worst thing!     (But I apreciate the honesty of my friend.)

Writing an email to our "friends" or family members that we believe were letting us down, and then not sending it, is half the battle, and doing no additional harm. It's never too late to remind the people how they disappointed us, but it might be too early, and cause more trouble and disappointment. A bit later the passing time could help them to see that they obviously failed, and by agreeing that, helping to heal at least this wound.

[HPB]

One more thing I want to add: Even with all the resentment, with the torment keeping me permanently on the edge of the abyss, I'm still fact-oriented.

And even if all family members and friends would support and reach out to me (which in return would probably make me to get cover and reject their offers) ...so even then: the reality would not change! I still had to deal with the reality that I can't realize, can't handle, because it is too shattering. 

Putting my disappointment/desperation onto others is not changing my situation.

It's us that is in our shoes, not them.

[Moment2moment]

I agree with not sending it. I have found with my up and down grief emotions plus feeling sorry for myself at times plus feeling severely lonely at times, that I projected a lot of my stuff onto others. 

And I did just the opposite from you from the very beginning-I reached out to others, some daily. I have 4 people that are phone buddies because they live out of town. 2 are cousins, one is an in-law. We have talked a lot about my partner, especially in the beginning. But now we all are very close.

I learned that you never know what is going in in others lives and it may be premature to assume that they are shunning you because of your loss. 

I made this mistake and mostly I guess because I was so wounded and needy myself. 

Last night I reunited on the phone with a lifelong friend out of state. We were raised together and she is like a sister to me. We had not spoken in a few years. Long story short, I "assumed" a rejection of me and my loss onto her and carried very hurt feelings this last year or so.

After talking for 2 hours last night I learned what losses had been happening in her life plus illnesses. I learned that I was very wrong and that I had carried hurts an misunderstandings for nought.

I projected rejection onto her lack of contact to me in my bereavement when none of that was actually true.

I learned my lesson here. Once I reached out to her on text yesterday morning, she responded within a few hours and now we are reconciled.

So that is my experience and I am glad I have reached out so much. I have gotten closer to many people that way and it has really enrichened my life and helped me along in my grief journey.

Love,

Lily Bell

[KayC]

You might want to rewrite it when you feel up to it and putting a more positive spin on it  No one wants to feel attacked or like they let us down, so to give her a chance to save face so to speak, maybe you could tell her you've been feeling down, abandoned, and her phone call, even though you didn't get to talk to her, was just what you needed, it's always nice to know someone cares and is thinking of you.

That way it is a positive reinforcement for her one attempt to reach out to you, rather than a hammer for all the times she didn't.  

Just a thought to consider...

And I'm sorry you've been feeling that way, oh God don't I know how you feel!  My daughter just shocked me by messaging me through Facebook.  She NEVER reaches out so it felt like a miracle!  And my son invited me to his house and I went this weekend, it felt good to be thought of because so often I don't feel thought of.  I feel alone.

Thank God for all of you here.  It's been 14 years since my loss...this isn't something we get over, it's something we learn to live with and one year, five years, ten, it's all the same, excepting in the beginning is the worst.

[Billie Rae]

I agree to either not sending or rewriting.I'm with you on the bad few days,I've been in the black pit since Friday and yesterday I pulled my back.We feel abandoned but as HPB said when they reach out to much we pull back.Most people have never been in our situation so they don't know the right amount of connection we need.We don't even know what we need.Feel better sweet one.
Love to all

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[foreverhis]

@HPB  Thank you so much for your thoughtful and detailed response.  We have something very much in common:  Even through extreme emotions, the analytical part of my brain usually says, "Now, hold on there and think things through.  Consider the facts."  My career was in scientific and technological writing and my "for fun" writing is poetry and fiction.  So both sides of my brain are almost always engaged--except at the very end when I knew I couldn't save my love.  Then I was all emotion, all the time. Except I guess the thinking part of my brain told me to play our favorite music, talk to him and remind him nothing had been his fault, call our daughter and put her on speakerphone, and then tell him it was okay to go find our furry babies who would be waiting for him.  I did that for him, to help him ease through it, even as I completely shattered.  That's partly what deep love is, I think.  The doctors and nurses said that hearing is the last sense we keep and so even though he couldn't respond in those last couple of hours, he heard me.  But I digress...

I've always been a bit of an overthinker, generally wanting to make sure that things are "right" before I do something.  That's one reason I tend to write things down and then put them away for a while.  I even used to do that when I was angry or frustrated with my husband sometimes.  Just getting things out of my brain can prove helpful.  Over 35 years there were quite a number of notes and letters that sat as "drafts" in my word processing files or as thoughts in a journal.  I would re-read what I'd written and usually be glad I had waited.  I think it helps me sort things out without confrontation that may or may not be beneficial.

I know our daughter has had a lot going on with her work and our granddaughter and just day to day life.  The emotional part of me keeps thinking that if the situation had been reversed, she would have made the time to make sure her dad was okay.  She would never have let him just sit down here alone.  So I get resentful and disappointed because that goes back to "everyone knows you've always been so strong."  Of course, inside my mind I think, "Oh screw that.  It just makes you all feel better about ignoring me."

Your assessment about the whys is certainly something to think about.  I know that even some people close to me, to us, probably don't know what to say or do now after the first bit of grieving, so they say and do nothing.  If I'm honest about it, as we should be, I'm pretty sure I've been guilty of that in the past myself.  And then time goes by and people feel worse because they realize they've messed up, but don't know how to make it better.

You're quite right, this impossible loss is really ours and ours alone.  That's why, I think, that little scene from Calendar Girls really hit me.  When the character who lost her husband to cancer cries out to her best friend (who had been lecturing her), "You've still got yours and you're in Hollywood!" and says that she'd steal every penny from their charity if it gave her one more hour with her love, all I could think was, "You're damn right!"  (Sorry all; hope I didn't offend too much, but that's what I thought.)  Because no one can fully understand this loss unless they experience it.  And I am not selfish enough to want the people I love, our best friends and family to be able to understand that way.

Your insights were really helpful today because they reaffirmed some of the things I'd already thought of and gave me more to think about for now and even for the future.

@Moment2moment  Thank you for your thoughts.  I actually don't believe that my friends and family are shunning me because of my loss, which for most of them is a loss as well.  I think they've simply gone back to their lives and put me on the back burner, if you will.  That's where my "Oh poor me. I don't matter to anyone." comes into it.  But I also don't want to lay a guilt trip on our daughter or others I love because that's not good for anyone.  I doubt the long term outcome would be positive.

I certainly understand how busy and complicated modern life can be.  Mine was for a pretty long time.  I can even admit that I didn't necessarily react well at times when someone I love suffered a loss.  Logically, I know I shouldn't expect others to be "better" at it than I was.  It's all too easy to think, "I need to call/visit him/her" but then get distracted because of everything piling onto our own lives.  In fact, our daughter emailed last night to say just that because she felt her phone message was not enough.  She apologized for not calling and checking in, explaining some things that had been happening, and then saying she really does think and worry about me all the time, but just gets so distracted that she sometimes forgets to be there for me.  So I knew I was right to once again write things out, express how I felt, but put it aside before acting on it.

Something struck me this morning.  I've found it in my heart to forgive our neighbors for basically ignoring me for the first few months.  I was kind of a recluse and still am some days, so it's not entirely on them.  But this group of people who have stepped up, acknowledged they didn't handle it well, and made amends are actually becoming friends.  I reminded myself that if I could forgive and accept people my husband and I knew casually and in some cases hardly at all, of course I can do the same with family and friends we've been so close to for decades.  The logical part of my mind thrust itself forward and said, "Hey, idiot girl, remember you're not exactly perfect yourself.  What's the deal with expecting that in others?"  It goes back to this rule my husband and I had and that we modeled for our daughter:  We should be at least as polite, kind, and caring to the people we love as we are to strangers.  See, my parent and his never felt that it was necessary to say please and thank you, etc. to us kids or other family.  We felt just the opposite.  I shouldn't forget that now.

I appreciate you telling me your own similar experiences.  It always helps to know I'm not alone in what's happening or how I'm feeling.

@KayC  That's a good idea to rewrite my email draft from last night.  I doubt I'll put quite that positive a spin on it, but I will remove the accusations, if you will.  It kind of reminds me of how we're supposed to use "I feel" rather than "You did" statements.  I don't want to lay a huge guilt trip on anyone, but how can they know how I'm feeling if I don't say anything at all?  Finding that balance can be difficult when what I really feel like saying wouldn't be helpful in the long run.

Absolutely every resource I've read talks about feelings of abandonment and loneliness.  We're at our most vulnerable with these huge raw wounds that never really heal.  And the person who has always been there to bandage our boo-boos can't help us.  One author wrote that one of the hardest things for her was realizing that "we are first with no one."  That's certainly true for me. That and about 100 other pains, large and small.

I've had a couple of health issues these past several days that I'm sure are because of grief and stress.  I've got my quarterly checkup in a few weeks.  Unless something gets really bad before then, I'm going to wait and talk to my doctor then.

In the meantime, I'm going to let my thoughts rest until tonight and then probably rewrite my email and think about it again.

@Billie Rae  I'm so sorry you've also been down in the dark depths.  I feel so hopeless sometimes that it's a wonder I can function at all.  I suspect you feel something similar.  It's true that even I don't always know what I need.  I hadn't given that much thought. You're very insightful in sensing that.

I hope you too are feeling a bit better, my friend.  I'm sending you my love along with my thanks.

[Heart&Soul]

I also have family that showed up for the funeral in October but have not called me since.  I called them a couple of times but they never call me.  These family members grew up with my husband, he thought of his aunt as his mother when his own mother passed away when he was a teen.  I am really hurt that they have not reached out to me.  But I guess you can't change people - you have to accept them and if they can't support you when they know you are alone and grieving then when can you expect them to support you?  I choose to surround myself with good people who are looking out for me and helping me and hopefully one day they will come round but if they don't that's okay too.

Take care everyone.

[KayC]

17 hours ago, foreverhis said:

It kind of reminds me of how we're supposed to use "I feel" rather than "You did" statements.

Always a good idea, if only we could remember to do it...

23 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

We don't even know what we need.

Ain't that the truth!  

17 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I think they've simply gone back to their lives

That is what they do.  Everyone disappeared on me when George died.  I lost ALL of our friends!  I think it made them uncomfortable, they couldn't "fix" me, and it also changed the "couples" dynamic.  I was shocked, it felt like a double whammy.  My family, I could tell they cared but honestly didn't know what to do, how to help.  How could they?  They'd never experienced this.

Your daughter lost the same person as you...but not the same relationship...very different.  

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

Your daughter lost the same person as you...but not the same relationship...very different.

Yep.  In fact, we had that conversation some months back.  She was mired in her own grief, understandably, and trying to deal with the grief our granddaughter was having trouble expressing.  Every time I'd try to talk to her about how I was feeling, she'd jump in with how she was grieving too.  I finally had to have that little "confrontation" I mentioned a while back.  I told her that I'd never dismiss or diminish her grief, but that it wasn't the same, and that if she wouldn't listen to me, I was going to have to stop talking that day and hang up the phone.  I think that shocked her.  She knew I'd never just slam down the phone, so to speak.  She also knew that it would take an awful lot for me to tell her I couldn't keep talking to her right then.  So she listened and then started to realize how different it is for me.  That I've lost half of every part of my life, every part of my heart and soul, and that I'm reminded of it every minute of every day.  It helped for her to start to see that.

I have no doubt that she honestly does think about me every day and she probably worries.  I also know that her life has been very busy with many challenges lately.  She has suggested we set up times to talk or Skype.  I've been thinking about how to respond without accusing.  A number of times she's said she'll call over the weekend or "tomorrow night" or what have you, then she gets busy and distracted with whatever is going on and forgets.  I feel like a freaking teenage girl waiting by the phone, so I no longer assume that she will be able to follow through.  I'm not sure how to address that without sounding like that silly teenager pouting.  But I don't want to set myself up for being irritated or disappointed with her either because that is not helpful or healthful for either of us.

I guess maybe I should say it just that way.  I'm not telling her she's a bad daughter because she isn't.  But I have to look out for my own emotional health too.  I've always tried to approach these kinds of things with love at the heart of it.  Loving someone doesn't mean we can't let them know when we feel let down by them.  It just needs to be in a way that lets them know it doesn't affect how much we love them.  That's one reason I often wrote out my anger and set it aside before addressing problems.  I guess that's one reason I asked all of you for help on this.

I knew I could count on getting good advice from people who have quite literally "been there, done that."

[JES]

@foreverhis  I really think you will find a "good" way to talk with her about how you feel without causing any resentment.  You sound as if you are very close and love each other very much.  I've been on the other side where my daughter was going through alot of health issues and thought I didn't care, but we did talk about it finally and I totally understood. I text with her almost every day and remember to ask her also how she is doing. The one thought  I might offer, is to try to talk in person,  texts can be so much misunderstood.  Hope it all works out.  

[Billie Rae]

@Foreverhis you have a wonderful way with words,I know you got this.Maybe if you tell her how much you look forward to talking with her and your granddaughter she will understand and let her know it makes you feel connected as a family.
Love you

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[KayC]

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

A number of times she's said she'll call over the weekend or "tomorrow night" or what have you, then she gets busy and distracted with whatever is going on and forgets.

I think part of it is where they are in life...our life is very different from theirs right now.  I've had this happen with my son at times, but my daughter literally never calls.  My son works 80 hours/week and has little kids and demands from his wife and he is literally always busy, rarely has down time, yet even so he tries to call me every 2-3 weeks.  I think back to when I had little kids and my mom would call, sometimes it wasn't always at the best time and she'd want to talk for an hour...it puts it into a different perspective for me and I try to be patient with my son.  As for my daughter, her life is pure hell and I think she's so caught up in it that she doesn't see anything else or perhaps she wants to protect us from seeing what she's going through...I think back to when I was young and in my first marriage, my husband was beating and cheating on me and I literally lived in insanity, I, too, tried to protect my family from seeing what I was going through.  As a result, not a lot of contact with them during that period of time.  So I try to be understanding of my kids and where they're at in their lives right now.  I try to fill my needs through friends and have made a lot of friendships with other widows that understand and perhaps have more time..