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catawampus

Overwhelming Grief

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+Jeffrey+

Awwwww, man! Thats another adorable pic of Biscuit, John. Lady G. did the same thing, all the the time. And yes, Lady G. would take a peek at me once in awhile, too. She'd stretch her legs out, and curl back up into a ball and go back to sleep. She even had the cutest snore! I never noticed it till about a year or two ago. You could barely hear it, but she was definitely snoring. LOL I tried to get close to her several times to record it, but she always caught me and woke up! :) 

I have no problems looking at her pics and vids. In fact, I look at them all the time. I can't lie, though, some of them do make me cry. I am still very much upset over losing her. And like you, I still cry a lot. And I know this may sound crazy, but I have cried at least once every single day since her death. Some times it's brief, other times I cry my eyes out. I'm a grown man, and consider myself sort of a tough dude, but OMG, losing my dear Lady G. has been extremely hard on me. Not only was she such an amazing little friend, but she was also like a child to me. I couldn't have loved her any more. For as long as I live, I will never forget her.

Again, you hang in there. It will get easier one day.

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apmy41

I’d love to share some photos, but it appears they are all too large to upload 

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catawampus

Thanks, apmy41. It is certainly surreal. I'm still in disbelief and denial. I'm sure you did the right thing for Fatsy, better than let her suffer. It's the final act of love we can give them. We'll get through this, all of us, together. 

Jeffrey, Biscuit snored a little too, lol. But sounds like Lady G had a very ladylike snore. Biscuit would flinch and move his tongue in and out when he dreamed too. I love looking at photos and videos of Biscuit but I can't do it yet without crying. So it's tough. And it doesn't sound crazy at all to cry every day over losing your girl. She was a part of you. You spent every day together, side-by-side. These little creatures are just so innocent and trusting and love us unconditionally. They have no agendas. They don't want anything from us but devotion (and food).

My uncle is a big, burly, gruff retired Louisiana policeman with the obligatory redheaded temper and I've seen him bawl his eyes out over losing his hunting dogs over the years. My whole family, big and small, tough and not, are crybabies when it comes to this sort of thing. We wear our emotions on our sleeves as they say. We laugh hard and cry hard.

I hope each day get a little better for you. You hang in there too. Take it easy, brother.

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+Jeffrey+
20 minutes ago, apmy41 said:

What a comfort you were to him. You were his world. And he knows how much you love him. He really does. 

Thank you...I miss Fatsy more than I’d ever be able to explain. And I won’t ever be whole again. She chose me out of nowhere eleven years ago when she showed up on the porch and never left. It never feels like enough time and I regret every minute I didn’t spend with her. And can only hope I made the right choice for her after all she did for me  

I have found the slightest comfort in picking her up today and having her next to me, just in a different form. I remind myself that even if I can’t interact with her, she’s still definitely there. 

I am truly sorry for your loss. And I apologize for not saying so sooner, but just realized it.

And like your Fatsy (awesome name, by the way) my Lady G. appeared up on my porch out of nowhere. This was back in 2007, as best I can remember. She would come around and up on my porch, but would never allow me to get too close to her. After a few days or so of her coming around, I was finally able to pet her. I was so excited, I felt like I had won the lottery! I was very happy that she trusted me to pet her. In fact, I kept telling her I was going to pet her if she kept coming around. She would just meow, as if to say, "yeah, what ever you say, dude!". :lol: She actually belonged to a lady neighbor of mine, but I didn't know this till some time later. Lady G. just kept coming around, and she started trusting me more each time. The rest is beautiful history! We were so very close.

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+Jeffrey+
34 minutes ago, apmy41 said:

I’d love to share some photos, but it appears they are all too large to upload 

Go to your profile page, and click the Albums tab. Once there, create a new album and upload some photos to it. I forget how I exactly did it, but I did create one. Also, if I remember correctly, I never had an issue uploading my photos there, I think it may have automatically resized them for me. Once they are uploaded there, you can share it in your post. It's late here and I have to get some sleep, but if you have any problems, just send me a PM and I'll try and help you when I can.

Best of luck getting it figured out.

Rest well my friends!

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AJWCat

Hi @catawampus I am so sorry for your loss of Biscuit. Reading your story kind of reminded me of my story. We lost our cat a year and a half ago, very suddenly after he got violently. We were out of town so rushed to an emergency vet and after much trying to save him through much suffering, 2 hours later we put him down. He was 15, we'd had him 10 years.

It was shocking and horrifying. I too thought I would never get those 2 hours out of my head. Granted, I can put myself right back there but choose not to. And I have to work at it. However in the days and weeks after, I obsessed over it. It was all I thought about until I felt ill. I was in hell. Grief stricken, missing him to my core and angry for his last hours to be what they were. Also like you I work from home and our cat was like our child. 

I won't lie, it took my quite a while to accept and come to grips with the entire thing. But the world was pretty dark for a while. Eventually the heartbreak gets replaced with all the many wonderful, funny memories. This process is just not easy and there is no way to go around. You go through it. A few months later we adopted a sweet two year old kitten and I love her like crazy. Of course she'll never replace our "C" Cat and my heart, though not broken anymore, will have a crack in it forever because I will never totally forget. Come here often maybe it will help. I did almost daily just to survive.    

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KayC
11 hours ago, apmy41 said:

What a comfort you were to him. You were his world. And he knows how much you love him. He really does. 

Thank you...I miss Fatsy more than I’d ever be able to explain. And I won’t ever be whole again. She chose me out of nowhere eleven years ago when she showed up on the porch and never left. It never feels like enough time and I regret every minute I didn’t spend with her. And can only hope I made the right choice for her after all she did for me  

I have found the slightest comfort in picking her up today and having her next to me, just in a different form. I remind myself that even if I can’t interact with her, she’s still definitely there. 

I'm sorry for your loss...I hope you will start a thread and tell your story, we'd love to see Fatsy, wow, 14 lbs you said?  My cats have always weighed about 9 or 10 lbs, that's a LOT!  You said somewhere that you had to have her euthanized.  Yes it's a hard choice but sometimes the only choice as we care about them and don't want them to suffer.  I'm glad you found this place, it helps to share.  Never an easy decision though...

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/04/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-euthanasia.html

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catawampus

Thank you @AJWCat. I so appreciate you replying and telling me your story, as painful as I'm sure it must be to relive. It helps to know there are others who understand the pain we go through. So many people in our day to day lives don't understand or appreciate the grief that comes with losing a pet. So many others who may have lost a dear pet seem able to just carry on. I feel as though the few people I am close to in my life I've already exhausted and they have nothing left to give, which becomes even more isolating. At first they are saddened and sympathetic but that seems to fade quickly and is replaced with "tough love" which has never really worked well with me. It just sends me further spiraling down into a dark place of loneliness and grief. 

I woke this morning with severe sadness and anxiety. Mornings are terrible. I hate having to face them and climb from bed knowing my Biscuit won't be there waiting to be let out into the sunshine. He won't be looking up at me impatiently by the door, ready for his morning air. He will never again lay on my desk while I work. He will never again make biscuits on my stomach. I just miss him so much it's agonizing.

From what you wrote, you went through the same awful sadness and grieving. How do we ever get past this? How do we carry on? Life feels so empty now. So purposeless. And like your precious kitty, the end for Biscuit is what haunts me more than anything. It is the catalyst for my intense grief. I made so many terrible decisions and I cannot take any of them back. I cannot ask him to forgive me. I cannot hold him one last time, look him in the eyes, see him looking back  at me and letting me know he is ready to go. That for one last moment he feels safe and loved and can go to sleep. No, what he experienced was horrible. I can never take that back. It is breaking me. I cannot get past it. I cannot move on. 

 

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catawampus

I just don't know what to do with myself. I can barely breathe. I can't stop crying. I picked up Biscuit's ashes today and it's all come back like the day it happened. I'm filled with such dread and sadness and misery. I just feel this emptiness is ready to swallow me whole. I don't see any reason to keep trying anymore. I've lost everything I've ever truly loved and I don't see the purpose of anything anymore. I honestly just wish I was dead so that the pain would stop.

Worse than the pain is the idea that someday I will not think of Biscuit each and every minute of the day. That he will become just a faded memory and I will have moved on. I don't want to move on. I don't want to move further away from him. I just cannot do this anymore. I'm too damaged. Too utterly broken.

 

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apmy41
9 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm sorry for your loss...I hope you will start a thread and tell your story, we'd love to see Fatsy, wow, 14 lbs you said?  My cats have always weighed about 9 or 10 lbs, that's a LOT!  You said somewhere that you had to have her euthanized.  Yes it's a hard choice but sometimes the only choice as we care about them and don't want them to suffer.  I'm glad you found this place, it helps to share.  Never an easy decision though...

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/04/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-euthanasia.html

I might just do that - thank you. Thank you for the kind words! I’m so glad I found it, too. I really am. 

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Beatriz

I am so sad you are going through this John, it does feel like it is more, much more than we can bear with, true, but come to think of it how else could we react at the absence of Love, once we’ve known it. With time it came to me that this the way it IS - do not get me wrong, I abhor it. I am still trying to work it out in a way that it does not take it all from me, including the will to go on living. Just think about it (and I know it is the last thing you want to hear just right now) but there are others on this earth in need of the love you are capable of. You wrote you rescued other cats and I believe you will again. No, it will not be Biscuit, never the same. But it will be also worthwhile.Please, consider it coming from someone who has been where you are now. I wish I had more to offer. More to say that could reach you in these dark moments. 

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apmy41
21 hours ago, +Jeffrey+ said:

Go to your profile page, and click the Albums tab. Once there, create a new album and upload some photos to it. I forget how I exactly did it, but I did create one. Also, if I remember correctly, I never had an issue uploading my photos there, I think it may have automatically resized them for me. Once they are uploaded there, you can share it in your post. It's late here and I have to get some sleep, but if you have any problems, just send me a PM and I'll try and help you when I can.

Best of luck getting it figured out.

Rest well my friends!

This seems to have worked - thank you!! I’ve added a few for now and will more later...

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apmy41
4 hours ago, catawampus said:

I just don't know what to do with myself. I can barely breathe. I can't stop crying. I picked up Biscuit's ashes today and it's all come back like the day it happened. I'm filled with such dread and sadness and misery. I just feel this emptiness is ready to swallow me whole. I don't see any reason to keep trying anymore. I've lost everything I've ever truly loved and I don't see the purpose of anything anymore. I honestly just wish I was dead so that the pain would stop.

Worse than the pain is the idea that someday I will not think of Biscuit each and every minute of the day. That he will become just a faded memory and I will have moved on. I don't want to move on. I don't want to move further away from him. I just cannot do this anymore. I'm too damaged. Too utterly broken.

 

I just wanted to say that, for me, it helped to remember they’re just in a different form now. You’ll always have Biscuit. Always. And he’s exactly where he belongs, with you. 

I totally relate to feeling like it almost seems worse to move on because it implies that we’re over them or that they somehow mean less to us as time goes. But I think it’s actually the opposite. They truly know and appreciate the love we give them and wanted nothing more than for us to be happy. I truly believe animals know us better than we do ourselves - when we’re happy, sad, not feeling well, etc - and know how to comfort us because they want only for us to be happy. And that tells me that they then, for certain, want us to be happy now. Not miraculously overnight, but they want us to retain the joy they brought us even after they’ve gone. I truly believe that. 

I think it’s key to also truly allow yourself to really feel your emotions and not set any time restraints on yourself. You deserve to mourn your loss and feel how you feel. 

I’ve been in a fog since losing my angel. I know I won’t be the same. I’ve let myself cry and remember her and cry some more. Only you can determine your process. 

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KayC
18 hours ago, catawampus said:

Thank you @AJWCat. I so appreciate you replying and telling me your story, as painful as I'm sure it must be to relive. It helps to know there are others who understand the pain we go through. So many people in our day to day lives don't understand or appreciate the grief that comes with losing a pet. So many others who may have lost a dear pet seem able to just carry on. I feel as though the few people I am close to in my life I've already exhausted and they have nothing left to give, which becomes even more isolating. At first they are saddened and sympathetic but that seems to fade quickly and is replaced with "tough love" which has never really worked well with me. It just sends me further spiraling down into a dark place of loneliness and grief. 

I woke this morning with severe sadness and anxiety. Mornings are terrible. I hate having to face them and climb from bed knowing my Biscuit won't be there waiting to be let out into the sunshine. He won't be looking up at me impatiently by the door, ready for his morning air. He will never again lay on my desk while I work. He will never again make biscuits on my stomach. I just miss him so much it's agonizing.

From what you wrote, you went through the same awful sadness and grieving. How do we ever get past this? How do we carry on? Life feels so empty now. So purposeless. And like your precious kitty, the end for Biscuit is what haunts me more than anything. It is the catalyst for my intense grief. I made so many terrible decisions and I cannot take any of them back. I cannot ask him to forgive me. I cannot hold him one last time, look him in the eyes, see him looking back  at me and letting me know he is ready to go. That for one last moment he feels safe and loved and can go to sleep. No, what he experienced was horrible. I can never take that back. It is breaking me. I cannot get past it. I cannot move on. 

 

I know I'm going to go through this again when my dog dies, he's my soulmate in a dog...my husband was my soulmate and when I lost him it about killed me, now I have this dog that is wonderful, so perfect for me, and he's already past the average life span for his breeds, it scares me.  I remember that dark time when I lost George and it was the hardest time of my life, and the thought of going there again...I don't know how I'll get through it.  I only know when the time comes I must.  Someone who used to be at this site always said, "One foot in front of the other", I guess that's how we do it, but oh God it's painful!

This passage really spoke to me, and your other one too...no we don't "move on", we continue to hold them in our hearts and memory.  Eventually the pain lessens to something more copeable and doesn't hurt in the same intensity, but we continue to miss them and the wistfulness is still intense.  It's like a tug at our hearts.  I still feel it when I think of those I've lost.  The cat I have does not replace the cats I've lost, she is very different from them, yet she's created her own spot in my heart...still I miss the others.  She's 24, how much longer can she live?  I never thought she'd be here this long!  The pain of loving an animal is knowing they'll precede us in death...yet I wouldn't want it the other way.  I couldn't bare it if they were feeling lost and alone!  Knowing they're in that other place, with other animals, awaiting me, a utopia of a sort, that comforts me, I know God is watching over them until I can be there at last.

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catawampus

Thank you everyone. Thank you Beatriz, apmy41, and KayC. Your kind and thoughtful words mean so much during this dark time.

This morning was very hard and I ended up laying in bed remembering Biscuit and dreading facing the day, just wishing I could go back to sleep. But as I closed my eyes the memories of his final moments would come back to me. So here I am at my computer writing you and thanking you all for offering your support in spite of the pain you're also going through. Spending time reading your stories, reading your replies, writing you back is all that is keeping me alive right now, as silly as that might sound. There is no joy in anything anymore. Food is tasteless and perfunctory. TV does not distract me. People laughing outside angers me.

I know I will begin to heal, slowly. And it will not be a straight line. I will have better days and I will have setbacks. But such a big part of me just wants to stay in this moment forever, feeling the pain, because in that pain I am closest to Biscuit. Memories of our life together are still strong, still powerful, still here with me. But I know as time passes the memories will become fuzzy and I will give my love to another animal and although I will never forget him or the joy he brought my life I will think of him less and less each passing day. And that thought alone crushes my body and my soul.

We did not have enough time together. We never do I guess.

Thank you all again for your kindness and your hopeful thoughts.

John

 

 

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apmy41
38 minutes ago, catawampus said:

Thank you everyone. Thank you Beatriz, apmy41, and KayC. Your kind and thoughtful words mean so much during this dark time.

This morning was very hard and I ended up laying in bed remembering Biscuit and dreading facing the day, just wishing I could go back to sleep. But as I closed my eyes the memories of his final moments would come back to me. So here I am at my computer writing you and thanking you all for offering your support in spite of the pain you're also going through. Spending time reading your stories, reading your replies, writing you back is all that is keeping me alive right now, as silly as that might sound. There is no joy in anything anymore. Food is tasteless and perfunctory. TV does not distract me. People laughing outside angers me.

I know I will begin to heal, slowly. And it will not be a straight line. I will have better days and I will have setbacks. But such a big part of me just wants to stay in this moment forever, feeling the pain, because in that pain I am closest to Biscuit. Memories of our life together are still strong, still powerful, still here with me. But I know as time passes the memories will become fuzzy and I will give my love to another animal and although I will never forget him or the joy he brought my life I will think of him less and less each passing day. And that thought alone crushes my body and my soul.

We did not have enough time together. We never do I guess.

Thank you all again for your kindness and your hopeful thoughts.

John

 

 

You’re very welcome! The words from here have helped me tremendously, also. And, for that, I am thankful. I stayed in bed for two days straight - just allowing myself to feel every single thing. And got right back in it when i needed to. And cry as needed...the way I look at it with Fatsy is that this is really another thing she’s helping me through. Another time she’s giving me strength. I also remember that I was there for her when she needed me to be the most. She counted on me to do that, as excruciating as it may be. Biscuit also needed you and you came through, as you always have. Try and look at it like this: the more time goes by, the more appreciative of them we become. The joy doesn’t go away, in fact I think it increases with time. 

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catawampus

Apmy41, as before, your words help so much. I look to these forums and the chatroom for strength and the will to keep going each day. I don't know what I would do without them. Probably lie down and give up. So thank you again. Your wisdom and thoughtfulness means so very much. 

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KayC
19 hours ago, catawampus said:

There is no joy in anything anymore. Food is tasteless and perfunctory. TV does not distract me. People laughing outside angers me.

All common in grief.  :(

18 hours ago, apmy41 said:

I know I will begin to heal, slowly. And it will not be a straight line. I will have better days and I will have setbacks.

Yes, it takes time, a roller coaster of emotions.  Remember it is not our grief that binds us to them but our love, and that continues with you and Biscuit.  (I love the name BTW!)

 

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apmy41

I’m so glad to be able to offer any amount of comfort. Please continue to check in and let us know how you’re doing 

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catawampus

Thank you, KayC. I wasn't getting notifications. 

 

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KayC

You might want to check your settings...for instance, mine notify me about one section but not the others, but then I come on here every day so I haven't bothered to change it.

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catawampus

I'm having such a difficult day today. Yesterday was the 2 week anniversary of my little boy's passing. Today is just so quiet and still and lonely and I miss him so much. I'm either crying or on the verge of crying. I feel so empty and lost some days, today being one of them. I have so much sadness in me right now that I feel like I'm suffocating. 

I hope tomorrow is a little brighter. I can't deal with so much grief for much longer. It's crushing the life from me.

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apmy41

I’m glad you checked in to let us know how you’re doing. I actually felt similarly today...reality seems to be setting in to me, I guess. The quiet is really tough. I’ve actually been thinking that I hope Fatsy is thankful that she never had to be miserable, and it’s been comforting in a way. Biscuit loved you unconditionally and I believe they appreciate what we do for them even if it feels bad at the time...he very much knew how much you loved him and still does. I hope that’s comforting to some degree - to know that all you’ve ever done for him is your absolute best and he appreciated it without a doubt. And maybe it sounds weird...but I also believe that they really do want to see us heal. Which doesn’t mean moving on and forgetting about them...just that our happiness in turn makes them happy. I hope that makes sense...just hoping to share some things that have helped me 

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KayC

Biscuit'sDad, I'm sorry it's so hard...praying today is a little better for you.

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