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Overwhelming Grief


catawampus

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My cat Biscuit died in my arms yesterday after spending 2 days in intensive care. The previous week had seen constant visits to the vet, infected teeth extracted, a biopsy in his mouth, an abscess on his foot and a week of me forcing antibiotics down his mouth in desperate hope that his infection would clear up and life could go on as normal. I wish so much that we had not taken such drastic measures to save him but rather let him die more peacefully at home where he felt safe and before his health had gotten to such a point. I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself. Although I was with him when the doctor assisted in helping him pass, he was so sick that I can't even be certain he recognized me. He was gasping for air and bile was spilling from his mouth when I arrived. His skin had yellowed from jaundice and his eyes were wide with fear. I will never be able to get those horrible images out of my mind. They will haunt me for as long as I live. I can only imagine what he must have endured the previous night, probably wondering why he had been abandoned, just wanting to be home, safe and protected. And yet was there in that cold, strange place with those cold, strange people sticking him with needles and hurting him with each poke and prod. 

The tears are coming again.

He was my best friend. He was my furry little shadow. I work from home, so we were together constantly. I miss him so, so much. The tears seem to have no end.  The emptiness in me seems bottomless. My heart is shattered.

I've lost other cats over the years and the losses are all so difficult and each time I think that I will never be able to get through this but somehow I do. Yet this time feels different. The loss feels so deep and permanent and that life will never return to normal. 

I just have no desire to go on anymore. How many losses can a person experience in their lives before they are completely broken? Unfixable.

Thank you for reading.

Biscuit's Dad
I will love you forever my dear, precious boy. I hope that you can forgive me.

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Hello and I hear you and my heart aches echoing your loss. I am so terribly sorry about Biscuit having undergone such suffering. Only a couple of days ago I wrote in this forum that I cannot come to terms with WHY both my cats had to suffer before dying, and I never will. It is the hardest thing because no matter how you look at it, it makes no sense whatsoever. You say you had lost other cats before. I only had two cats in my life and lost them one after another within months. They were elderly and healthy and then they were seriously ill. I could not believe things could take such a bad turn twice, it hit me as something too cruel and utterly pointless. What can I say to you, a year and a half has gone by and I am living on with this pain. I also chose to treat my cats and prolong their lives. They reacted differently to treatments, my girl fought for her life like a lion and we just followed behind. My boy rejected treatment. Both of them suffered a great deal. I have their photos and short films I made and I look at them and see how frail they had become and how uncomfortable they were and how I could not make them better, how I failed to restore them to health. It is the hardest thing to be that impotent towards those we love most. I do understand what you are going through and wish I had a way to comfort you, except by saying that the love goes on and that at times I do really feel my cats are still with me regardless of their otherwise overwhelming absence. Life does utterly change but it also goes on and it is perhaps meant to, for you and for me. I miss terribly saying my cats’ names, so I will say your cat’s name for you: Biscuit. Just hang in there and write here. It has helped me - please treat yourself kindly in these early days and take care. Biscuit is adorable, one can surely tell you love him well.

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Thank you, Beatriz. I'm so very sorry for your losses too. I think that no matter what choices we make we are plagued with regrets. We are always second guessing our decisions. We love our fur babies so deeply and unconditionally and would do anything for them. They enrich our lives and at least for me, they make my life worth living.

I lost a very special cat, Gabby, where afterwards I felt that I had prolonged her life too much and let her suffer longer than needed. I just couldn't let her go. The guilt of that decision has never left. With my other cat Fiona, I felt I didn't react soon enough to signs she was getting more and more ill. Had I only done something sooner... at the time she was my best friend. She saw me through my divorce and was at my side when I'd contemplated suicide. She saved my life.

Since losing my two girls I have fostered and rescued cats in need, 2 of whom have died of cancer in the past few years, the most recent being last year. And now my precious Biscuit with whom I'd developed a very special bond with since adoption. It's almost too much to bear. He had been through so much. Carcinoma on his nose (the furless patches on his nose where he received treatment). Stomatitis where almost all his teeth were removed. And finally this last battle he endured and lost.

I'm still in denial. I'm still crying uncontrollably. I'm still asking why and how. I know it gets better. I'm happy I've found this forum. Thank you for replying. Your words have helped.

John

 

 

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John, I'm so sorry, it pains me to see yet another person going through this, your precious Biscuit...I also lost a cat to cancer, his name was George, I had him before I married my husband George, and now they're both gone.  I relate to your feelings, I too felt so bad that he had to suffer tremendously (he was originally misdiagnosed with a cold), when I understood he had cancer and was suffering tremendously, I immediately had him put to sleep, I feel so bad for that last month, he needn't have gone through it, if only I'd known.  he was the best cat ever.

It's hard going through all the changes it means as you're alone and no cat to interact with throughout your day.  I hope you can grasp that you haven't earned the feelings of guilt, they are common with grief and I think most of us experience that.  I hope these articles will help you as they have me.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
https://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

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Dear John, the pain is ... excruciating, I know. And we do cry rivers, it looks as though it will never stop. I did not want to fall asleep either. Sleep brought oblivion but then I forgot and waking up and realising they were gone was devastating. It may take a while, but it does get better. I was prostrated for months, lacked all motivation. My home was gone, I did not recognise it. They were my home, everything revolved around their luminous, joyful presences. I mean everything that mattered. Gabby reminds me of Preta, who saw us all through a change of continents, who lost her eyesight but carried on enjoying her life loudly (she was a chatterbox) and playfully. When the vet told us she had died I asked him how-am-I-going-to-live-without-her. I really did not see how I could possibly. But then I am here telling you about her and honouring her life and the meaning she assigned to mine. Please be gentle with yourself. It does get better, bit by bit. Beatriz

 

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Thank you, KayC and Beatriz. Your kind words mean so much. I'm so very sorry for your losses. The sudden emptiness of a home without our loved ones is crushing. 

This morning was terribly hard. Waking up without Biscuit and trying to get through the morning without our usual routine -- he was always ready to sit on the stoop outside and smell the air and get his daily sun before coming inside for breakfast and a nap on my computer desk while I worked. Often he would lay his head on my hand which made it hard to use my computer mouse but I never had the heart to move him. He would open his eyes sleepily, look up at me and almost seem to sigh with satisfaction.

I've been crying since I woke this morning. I cannot get the images out of my head of him gasping for air in the hospital. When I went to lift him out of his oxygen cubicle he turned away from me and hid in a corner. I can't shake the feeling that at that moment he hated me for abandoning him and for spending the previous week forcing him to take medication that didn't help him. And when the time came to help him pass, while he lay in my lap on a blanket, I didn't pet him enough. He was gasping for air and I was worried I'd hurt him more if I touched him. It all happened so fast and I didn't have enough time to tell him how much I loved him and to ask him to forgive me. It's breaking me. If I had just been able to look in his eyes one final time and reassure him he was loved and had not been forgotten or abandoned, that I was sorry for hurting him with medicine, that in that moment he was the most precious creature in the world, then maybe I could forgive myself. But none of that happened. And now I just can't see past this hurt and the guilt.

I will read the articles you provided, KayC. Thank you. But for now, the tears are flowing again. They just don't stop.

John 

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John, I am very sorry for all the losses you've had to deal with, and for your adorable Biscuit. And I truly do understand what you're going through. I lost my sweet little girl (Lady G.) on January 14 of this year, and I am still extremely upset over this. There hasn't been a day go by that I haven't shed many tears for my baby. No matter where I am, I just can't help but think of her. And like your Biscuit, Lady G. was my shadow, too. Always by my side, so loving, so awesome to be around. She was my world. 

And like your Biscuit, Lady G. would also get up here next to me while I was at the computer. She'd get all in the way, walking across my keyboard, laying on it, pawing at the mouse and keyboard cables, laying on my mouse, or simply sitting right in front of me, looking at me, demanding attention! LOL But I loved every minute of it! As long as my little girl was happy, I was happy!

See what I mean!  :P God, I miss her so much! 

large.630761367_LadyG.(March262017)(2).jpg.38fde633b512cffcf83246934ef48731.jpg

 

I hope you find comfort soon, John. Wishing you all the best, brother. You hang in there.

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Thank you, Jeffrey. Lady G. is a beautiful girl. I'm very sorry for your loss. I read your initial post and thread and watched your videos of her. Such a sweet girl. It's obvious you had an incredible bond with her. Once in a lifetime.

It's very fresh for me still and I'm having a really hard time of it. I have to force myself to eat and I can only sleep by taking sleeping pills. I haven't left my apartment since it happened. Whenever I close my eyes I see his little face at the very end, gasping for air, terrified. I keep going over and over how I should have done things differently even up to the very end. I keep reliving the moment and trying to change the outcome. I keep asking him to forgive me even though I can't forgive myself. I still can't believe this has happened the way it did. 

I loved it when Biscuit would sit in front of my computer screen and block my view. It would just make me laugh. I would never move him, just try to look around him, lol. Or when he'd lay his head on my mouse hand and I'd do everything I could to keep working without disturbing his nap.

Thanks again for reading my story and offering your kind thoughts. It helped a lot. And thanks for letting me see Lady G. Her sweet face made me smile for the first time today. I just wish we were all here for reasons other than the collective loss of our beloved little friends.

Wishing you all the best as well. 

biscuit-resting.jpg

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The pictures you guys provide of your cats, they're precious and I can tell how much you love them through your words, it's palpable.  I know I have never forgotten losing my King George (cat) 12 1/2 years ago, it's much like your story, John, and I've always felt bad that he suffered that last month of his life.  I've never regretted ending his suffering, for he deserved so much more than the pain he got, he was stoic throughout and it broke my heart, he was such a good cat.  Funny how they say time heals all wounds, but not this one, time does nothing to erase the memories of loving and losing them.  The ache in our hearts cries out how much we miss and long for them.

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Thank you, KayC. The pain seems like it will never end. It will fade in time but it will always be with me. I just don't know how to get past this though. I go to bed crying. I wake up in tears. I sleepwalk through the day. I can't close my eyes without the images of him dying haunting me.

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It has only been four days and it takes much longer to process our grief to the point where we begin to adjust to the changes it means for our lives...yet even so, we still miss them, we learn to live with it but it's still there.  It may help to see a pet grief counselor...since you're in LA, there should be one there.

There is also something that can be done about the images in your mind haunting you, see here:

https://www.healthjourneys.com/blog/ask-belleruth/have-you-heard-of-emotional-freedom-technique-eft.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2010/03/using-emotional-freedom-techniques-eft.html 
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-using-eye-movement.html

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Thank you for the links, KayC. I appreciate it. It's been another excruciating day. Lots of tears. 

 

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I'm sorry, I know it's hard to get through.  Tears line the path to acceptance...not that this is ever "okay" with us, it's not, but that eventually we realize it has happened, there's no altering it, and it is what it is now...but our life isn't only about our pain, but also about the full lives and love we shared with them, all of our memories, and carrying them in our hearts.

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Thank you, KayC. I really appreciate your kind and thoughtful replies. Every little bit helps get me through the day.

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I just wanted to chime in to say that your babies are all precious angels. And if there’s one thing I know about our pets, it’s that they forgive us. They chose us. We’re their world as much as they are ours. You know in your heart you only ever did what you thought was best for your baby. Biscuit knows that, too. I also like to believe they wait for us and we’ll see them again. I’m not sure I’ll make it after my loss Wednesday, especially that I had to choose to let her go. But I’m hoping sharing will help. 

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On 3/26/2019 at 5:38 AM, catawampus said:

Thank you, Jeffrey. Lady G. is a beautiful girl. I'm very sorry for your loss. I read your initial post and thread and watched your videos of her. Such a sweet girl. It's obvious you had an incredible bond with her. Once in a lifetime.

It's very fresh for me still and I'm having a really hard time of it. I have to force myself to eat and I can only sleep by taking sleeping pills. I haven't left my apartment since it happened. Whenever I close my eyes I see his little face at the very end, gasping for air, terrified. I keep going over and over how I should have done things differently even up to the very end. I keep reliving the moment and trying to change the outcome. I keep asking him to forgive me even though I can't forgive myself. I still can't believe this has happened the way it did. 

I loved it when Biscuit would sit in front of my computer screen and block my view. It would just make me laugh. I would never move him, just try to look around him, lol. Or when he'd lay his head on my mouse hand and I'd do everything I could to keep working without disturbing his nap.

Thanks again for reading my story and offering your kind thoughts. It helped a lot. And thanks for letting me see Lady G. Her sweet face made me smile for the first time today. I just wish we were all here for reasons other than the collective loss of our beloved little friends.

Wishing you all the best as well. 

biscuit-resting.jpg

That's such a great picture, John! It's very clear to see how much he loved you. And I have a small plastic container full of pens and pencils on my desk, too. Lady G. would sometimes claw at them wanting to play with them. She would get into everything while up on my desk. But, she was simply being a cat. She laid up here on this desk beside me during many nights. I miss being able to reach to my right and pet her. I miss her so much. Ugh! I'm getting upset thinking about it. :(

Hope you don't mind me sharing another pic of her.

large.1894525192_LadyG.(November262016)(

Again, I truly hope you're able to find comfort soon. So you hang in there, my friend.

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15 minutes ago, apmy41 said:

Such angels. 

Thank you very much. 

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Just reminds us how very much they love us. That them being there during the simplest times means the most. 

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Thank you, apmy41. I'm very sorry for your loss as well. In spite of everything and even though I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, I feel somewhat fortunate that I'm able to find some solace in speaking to others who understand. 

Thank you too, Jeffrey. I appreciate all the kind thoughts and words. LadyG is such a sweet, beautiful girl. Thank you for showing me another photo of her. It's so hard looking at pictures of them though isn't it? Trying to find distractions are tough when everything around me reminds me of him. I'd never even watch TV unless he was curled up across my lap or chest. Even the simple act of watching TV now seems lonely.

I just love how LadyG is curled into little a ball with her tail curled in front of her face. I would just love to watch Biscuit sleep. His little tongue would usually hang out. There was such contentment because he knew he was safe and loved. He would occasionally part his eyes just a bit to make sure I was still there and then back to sleep he'd go.

Fond memories but still too much of the bad for me to smile just yet. Hopefully one day soon I will be able to think of him and smile. For now I'll have to settle for tears.

John

biscuit-napping-desk-1.jpg

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What a comfort you were to him. You were his world. And he knows how much you love him. He really does. 

Thank you...I miss Fatsy more than I’d ever be able to explain. And I won’t ever be whole again. She chose me out of nowhere eleven years ago when she showed up on the porch and never left. It never feels like enough time and I regret every minute I didn’t spend with her. And can only hope I made the right choice for her after all she did for me  

I have found the slightest comfort in picking her up today and having her next to me, just in a different form. I remind myself that even if I can’t interact with her, she’s still definitely there. 

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Thank you apmy41. Biscuit was my world as much as I was his. I was probably closer to him than most members of my family. I do hope he knew how much I loved him and needed him.

I can only imagine how much you must miss Fatsy. They become such a part of our lives, such a part of us. I feel like the best part of me has been taken away. I just feel incomplete now.

I will be picking Biscuit up tomorrow. I will be happy to have him back but also saddened beyond measure. 

Like Jeffrey's Lady G, I would like to see photos of Fatsy if you have any you'd like to show us?

 

 

 

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You’re very welcome! I agree - it has helped to share with others who can relate. She went through everything with me. And I’m lost and have been in a surreal world since then. It feels like forever and no time at the same time. And I know I’ll never be the same. I always promised her I’d do what’s best for her and I know you did the same. And so does Biscuit - that’s what counts. Fatsy was fourteen lbs when she arrived ...how she got her name lol. Thank you guys for listening! 

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Awwwww, man! Thats another adorable pic of Biscuit, John. Lady G. did the same thing, all the the time. And yes, Lady G. would take a peek at me once in awhile, too. She'd stretch her legs out, and curl back up into a ball and go back to sleep. She even had the cutest snore! I never noticed it till about a year or two ago. You could barely hear it, but she was definitely snoring. LOL I tried to get close to her several times to record it, but she always caught me and woke up! :) 

I have no problems looking at her pics and vids. In fact, I look at them all the time. I can't lie, though, some of them do make me cry. I am still very much upset over losing her. And like you, I still cry a lot. And I know this may sound crazy, but I have cried at least once every single day since her death. Some times it's brief, other times I cry my eyes out. I'm a grown man, and consider myself sort of a tough dude, but OMG, losing my dear Lady G. has been extremely hard on me. Not only was she such an amazing little friend, but she was also like a child to me. I couldn't have loved her any more. For as long as I live, I will never forget her.

Again, you hang in there. It will get easier one day.

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Thanks, apmy41. It is certainly surreal. I'm still in disbelief and denial. I'm sure you did the right thing for Fatsy, better than let her suffer. It's the final act of love we can give them. We'll get through this, all of us, together. 

Jeffrey, Biscuit snored a little too, lol. But sounds like Lady G had a very ladylike snore. Biscuit would flinch and move his tongue in and out when he dreamed too. I love looking at photos and videos of Biscuit but I can't do it yet without crying. So it's tough. And it doesn't sound crazy at all to cry every day over losing your girl. She was a part of you. You spent every day together, side-by-side. These little creatures are just so innocent and trusting and love us unconditionally. They have no agendas. They don't want anything from us but devotion (and food).

My uncle is a big, burly, gruff retired Louisiana policeman with the obligatory redheaded temper and I've seen him bawl his eyes out over losing his hunting dogs over the years. My whole family, big and small, tough and not, are crybabies when it comes to this sort of thing. We wear our emotions on our sleeves as they say. We laugh hard and cry hard.

I hope each day get a little better for you. You hang in there too. Take it easy, brother.

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20 minutes ago, apmy41 said:

What a comfort you were to him. You were his world. And he knows how much you love him. He really does. 

Thank you...I miss Fatsy more than I’d ever be able to explain. And I won’t ever be whole again. She chose me out of nowhere eleven years ago when she showed up on the porch and never left. It never feels like enough time and I regret every minute I didn’t spend with her. And can only hope I made the right choice for her after all she did for me  

I have found the slightest comfort in picking her up today and having her next to me, just in a different form. I remind myself that even if I can’t interact with her, she’s still definitely there. 

I am truly sorry for your loss. And I apologize for not saying so sooner, but just realized it.

And like your Fatsy (awesome name, by the way) my Lady G. appeared up on my porch out of nowhere. This was back in 2007, as best I can remember. She would come around and up on my porch, but would never allow me to get too close to her. After a few days or so of her coming around, I was finally able to pet her. I was so excited, I felt like I had won the lottery! I was very happy that she trusted me to pet her. In fact, I kept telling her I was going to pet her if she kept coming around. She would just meow, as if to say, "yeah, what ever you say, dude!". :lol: She actually belonged to a lady neighbor of mine, but I didn't know this till some time later. Lady G. just kept coming around, and she started trusting me more each time. The rest is beautiful history! We were so very close.

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34 minutes ago, apmy41 said:

I’d love to share some photos, but it appears they are all too large to upload 

Go to your profile page, and click the Albums tab. Once there, create a new album and upload some photos to it. I forget how I exactly did it, but I did create one. Also, if I remember correctly, I never had an issue uploading my photos there, I think it may have automatically resized them for me. Once they are uploaded there, you can share it in your post. It's late here and I have to get some sleep, but if you have any problems, just send me a PM and I'll try and help you when I can.

Best of luck getting it figured out.

Rest well my friends!

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Hi @catawampus I am so sorry for your loss of Biscuit. Reading your story kind of reminded me of my story. We lost our cat a year and a half ago, very suddenly after he got violently. We were out of town so rushed to an emergency vet and after much trying to save him through much suffering, 2 hours later we put him down. He was 15, we'd had him 10 years.

It was shocking and horrifying. I too thought I would never get those 2 hours out of my head. Granted, I can put myself right back there but choose not to. And I have to work at it. However in the days and weeks after, I obsessed over it. It was all I thought about until I felt ill. I was in hell. Grief stricken, missing him to my core and angry for his last hours to be what they were. Also like you I work from home and our cat was like our child. 

I won't lie, it took my quite a while to accept and come to grips with the entire thing. But the world was pretty dark for a while. Eventually the heartbreak gets replaced with all the many wonderful, funny memories. This process is just not easy and there is no way to go around. You go through it. A few months later we adopted a sweet two year old kitten and I love her like crazy. Of course she'll never replace our "C" Cat and my heart, though not broken anymore, will have a crack in it forever because I will never totally forget. Come here often maybe it will help. I did almost daily just to survive.    

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11 hours ago, apmy41 said:

What a comfort you were to him. You were his world. And he knows how much you love him. He really does. 

Thank you...I miss Fatsy more than I’d ever be able to explain. And I won’t ever be whole again. She chose me out of nowhere eleven years ago when she showed up on the porch and never left. It never feels like enough time and I regret every minute I didn’t spend with her. And can only hope I made the right choice for her after all she did for me  

I have found the slightest comfort in picking her up today and having her next to me, just in a different form. I remind myself that even if I can’t interact with her, she’s still definitely there. 

I'm sorry for your loss...I hope you will start a thread and tell your story, we'd love to see Fatsy, wow, 14 lbs you said?  My cats have always weighed about 9 or 10 lbs, that's a LOT!  You said somewhere that you had to have her euthanized.  Yes it's a hard choice but sometimes the only choice as we care about them and don't want them to suffer.  I'm glad you found this place, it helps to share.  Never an easy decision though...

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/04/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-euthanasia.html

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Thank you @AJWCat. I so appreciate you replying and telling me your story, as painful as I'm sure it must be to relive. It helps to know there are others who understand the pain we go through. So many people in our day to day lives don't understand or appreciate the grief that comes with losing a pet. So many others who may have lost a dear pet seem able to just carry on. I feel as though the few people I am close to in my life I've already exhausted and they have nothing left to give, which becomes even more isolating. At first they are saddened and sympathetic but that seems to fade quickly and is replaced with "tough love" which has never really worked well with me. It just sends me further spiraling down into a dark place of loneliness and grief. 

I woke this morning with severe sadness and anxiety. Mornings are terrible. I hate having to face them and climb from bed knowing my Biscuit won't be there waiting to be let out into the sunshine. He won't be looking up at me impatiently by the door, ready for his morning air. He will never again lay on my desk while I work. He will never again make biscuits on my stomach. I just miss him so much it's agonizing.

From what you wrote, you went through the same awful sadness and grieving. How do we ever get past this? How do we carry on? Life feels so empty now. So purposeless. And like your precious kitty, the end for Biscuit is what haunts me more than anything. It is the catalyst for my intense grief. I made so many terrible decisions and I cannot take any of them back. I cannot ask him to forgive me. I cannot hold him one last time, look him in the eyes, see him looking back  at me and letting me know he is ready to go. That for one last moment he feels safe and loved and can go to sleep. No, what he experienced was horrible. I can never take that back. It is breaking me. I cannot get past it. I cannot move on. 

 

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I just don't know what to do with myself. I can barely breathe. I can't stop crying. I picked up Biscuit's ashes today and it's all come back like the day it happened. I'm filled with such dread and sadness and misery. I just feel this emptiness is ready to swallow me whole. I don't see any reason to keep trying anymore. I've lost everything I've ever truly loved and I don't see the purpose of anything anymore. I honestly just wish I was dead so that the pain would stop.

Worse than the pain is the idea that someday I will not think of Biscuit each and every minute of the day. That he will become just a faded memory and I will have moved on. I don't want to move on. I don't want to move further away from him. I just cannot do this anymore. I'm too damaged. Too utterly broken.

 

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9 hours ago, KayC said:

I'm sorry for your loss...I hope you will start a thread and tell your story, we'd love to see Fatsy, wow, 14 lbs you said?  My cats have always weighed about 9 or 10 lbs, that's a LOT!  You said somewhere that you had to have her euthanized.  Yes it's a hard choice but sometimes the only choice as we care about them and don't want them to suffer.  I'm glad you found this place, it helps to share.  Never an easy decision though...

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/04/pet-loss-guilt-in-wake-of-euthanasia.html

I might just do that - thank you. Thank you for the kind words! I’m so glad I found it, too. I really am. 

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I am so sad you are going through this John, it does feel like it is more, much more than we can bear with, true, but come to think of it how else could we react at the absence of Love, once we’ve known it. With time it came to me that this the way it IS - do not get me wrong, I abhor it. I am still trying to work it out in a way that it does not take it all from me, including the will to go on living. Just think about it (and I know it is the last thing you want to hear just right now) but there are others on this earth in need of the love you are capable of. You wrote you rescued other cats and I believe you will again. No, it will not be Biscuit, never the same. But it will be also worthwhile.Please, consider it coming from someone who has been where you are now. I wish I had more to offer. More to say that could reach you in these dark moments. 

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21 hours ago, +Jeffrey+ said:

Go to your profile page, and click the Albums tab. Once there, create a new album and upload some photos to it. I forget how I exactly did it, but I did create one. Also, if I remember correctly, I never had an issue uploading my photos there, I think it may have automatically resized them for me. Once they are uploaded there, you can share it in your post. It's late here and I have to get some sleep, but if you have any problems, just send me a PM and I'll try and help you when I can.

Best of luck getting it figured out.

Rest well my friends!

This seems to have worked - thank you!! I’ve added a few for now and will more later...

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4 hours ago, catawampus said:

I just don't know what to do with myself. I can barely breathe. I can't stop crying. I picked up Biscuit's ashes today and it's all come back like the day it happened. I'm filled with such dread and sadness and misery. I just feel this emptiness is ready to swallow me whole. I don't see any reason to keep trying anymore. I've lost everything I've ever truly loved and I don't see the purpose of anything anymore. I honestly just wish I was dead so that the pain would stop.

Worse than the pain is the idea that someday I will not think of Biscuit each and every minute of the day. That he will become just a faded memory and I will have moved on. I don't want to move on. I don't want to move further away from him. I just cannot do this anymore. I'm too damaged. Too utterly broken.

 

I just wanted to say that, for me, it helped to remember they’re just in a different form now. You’ll always have Biscuit. Always. And he’s exactly where he belongs, with you. 

I totally relate to feeling like it almost seems worse to move on because it implies that we’re over them or that they somehow mean less to us as time goes. But I think it’s actually the opposite. They truly know and appreciate the love we give them and wanted nothing more than for us to be happy. I truly believe animals know us better than we do ourselves - when we’re happy, sad, not feeling well, etc - and know how to comfort us because they want only for us to be happy. And that tells me that they then, for certain, want us to be happy now. Not miraculously overnight, but they want us to retain the joy they brought us even after they’ve gone. I truly believe that. 

I think it’s key to also truly allow yourself to really feel your emotions and not set any time restraints on yourself. You deserve to mourn your loss and feel how you feel. 

I’ve been in a fog since losing my angel. I know I won’t be the same. I’ve let myself cry and remember her and cry some more. Only you can determine your process. 

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18 hours ago, catawampus said:

Thank you @AJWCat. I so appreciate you replying and telling me your story, as painful as I'm sure it must be to relive. It helps to know there are others who understand the pain we go through. So many people in our day to day lives don't understand or appreciate the grief that comes with losing a pet. So many others who may have lost a dear pet seem able to just carry on. I feel as though the few people I am close to in my life I've already exhausted and they have nothing left to give, which becomes even more isolating. At first they are saddened and sympathetic but that seems to fade quickly and is replaced with "tough love" which has never really worked well with me. It just sends me further spiraling down into a dark place of loneliness and grief. 

I woke this morning with severe sadness and anxiety. Mornings are terrible. I hate having to face them and climb from bed knowing my Biscuit won't be there waiting to be let out into the sunshine. He won't be looking up at me impatiently by the door, ready for his morning air. He will never again lay on my desk while I work. He will never again make biscuits on my stomach. I just miss him so much it's agonizing.

From what you wrote, you went through the same awful sadness and grieving. How do we ever get past this? How do we carry on? Life feels so empty now. So purposeless. And like your precious kitty, the end for Biscuit is what haunts me more than anything. It is the catalyst for my intense grief. I made so many terrible decisions and I cannot take any of them back. I cannot ask him to forgive me. I cannot hold him one last time, look him in the eyes, see him looking back  at me and letting me know he is ready to go. That for one last moment he feels safe and loved and can go to sleep. No, what he experienced was horrible. I can never take that back. It is breaking me. I cannot get past it. I cannot move on. 

 

I know I'm going to go through this again when my dog dies, he's my soulmate in a dog...my husband was my soulmate and when I lost him it about killed me, now I have this dog that is wonderful, so perfect for me, and he's already past the average life span for his breeds, it scares me.  I remember that dark time when I lost George and it was the hardest time of my life, and the thought of going there again...I don't know how I'll get through it.  I only know when the time comes I must.  Someone who used to be at this site always said, "One foot in front of the other", I guess that's how we do it, but oh God it's painful!

This passage really spoke to me, and your other one too...no we don't "move on", we continue to hold them in our hearts and memory.  Eventually the pain lessens to something more copeable and doesn't hurt in the same intensity, but we continue to miss them and the wistfulness is still intense.  It's like a tug at our hearts.  I still feel it when I think of those I've lost.  The cat I have does not replace the cats I've lost, she is very different from them, yet she's created her own spot in my heart...still I miss the others.  She's 24, how much longer can she live?  I never thought she'd be here this long!  The pain of loving an animal is knowing they'll precede us in death...yet I wouldn't want it the other way.  I couldn't bare it if they were feeling lost and alone!  Knowing they're in that other place, with other animals, awaiting me, a utopia of a sort, that comforts me, I know God is watching over them until I can be there at last.

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Thank you everyone. Thank you Beatriz, apmy41, and KayC. Your kind and thoughtful words mean so much during this dark time.

This morning was very hard and I ended up laying in bed remembering Biscuit and dreading facing the day, just wishing I could go back to sleep. But as I closed my eyes the memories of his final moments would come back to me. So here I am at my computer writing you and thanking you all for offering your support in spite of the pain you're also going through. Spending time reading your stories, reading your replies, writing you back is all that is keeping me alive right now, as silly as that might sound. There is no joy in anything anymore. Food is tasteless and perfunctory. TV does not distract me. People laughing outside angers me.

I know I will begin to heal, slowly. And it will not be a straight line. I will have better days and I will have setbacks. But such a big part of me just wants to stay in this moment forever, feeling the pain, because in that pain I am closest to Biscuit. Memories of our life together are still strong, still powerful, still here with me. But I know as time passes the memories will become fuzzy and I will give my love to another animal and although I will never forget him or the joy he brought my life I will think of him less and less each passing day. And that thought alone crushes my body and my soul.

We did not have enough time together. We never do I guess.

Thank you all again for your kindness and your hopeful thoughts.

John

 

 

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38 minutes ago, catawampus said:

Thank you everyone. Thank you Beatriz, apmy41, and KayC. Your kind and thoughtful words mean so much during this dark time.

This morning was very hard and I ended up laying in bed remembering Biscuit and dreading facing the day, just wishing I could go back to sleep. But as I closed my eyes the memories of his final moments would come back to me. So here I am at my computer writing you and thanking you all for offering your support in spite of the pain you're also going through. Spending time reading your stories, reading your replies, writing you back is all that is keeping me alive right now, as silly as that might sound. There is no joy in anything anymore. Food is tasteless and perfunctory. TV does not distract me. People laughing outside angers me.

I know I will begin to heal, slowly. And it will not be a straight line. I will have better days and I will have setbacks. But such a big part of me just wants to stay in this moment forever, feeling the pain, because in that pain I am closest to Biscuit. Memories of our life together are still strong, still powerful, still here with me. But I know as time passes the memories will become fuzzy and I will give my love to another animal and although I will never forget him or the joy he brought my life I will think of him less and less each passing day. And that thought alone crushes my body and my soul.

We did not have enough time together. We never do I guess.

Thank you all again for your kindness and your hopeful thoughts.

John

 

 

You’re very welcome! The words from here have helped me tremendously, also. And, for that, I am thankful. I stayed in bed for two days straight - just allowing myself to feel every single thing. And got right back in it when i needed to. And cry as needed...the way I look at it with Fatsy is that this is really another thing she’s helping me through. Another time she’s giving me strength. I also remember that I was there for her when she needed me to be the most. She counted on me to do that, as excruciating as it may be. Biscuit also needed you and you came through, as you always have. Try and look at it like this: the more time goes by, the more appreciative of them we become. The joy doesn’t go away, in fact I think it increases with time. 

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Apmy41, as before, your words help so much. I look to these forums and the chatroom for strength and the will to keep going each day. I don't know what I would do without them. Probably lie down and give up. So thank you again. Your wisdom and thoughtfulness means so very much. 

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19 hours ago, catawampus said:

There is no joy in anything anymore. Food is tasteless and perfunctory. TV does not distract me. People laughing outside angers me.

All common in grief.  :(

18 hours ago, apmy41 said:

I know I will begin to heal, slowly. And it will not be a straight line. I will have better days and I will have setbacks.

Yes, it takes time, a roller coaster of emotions.  Remember it is not our grief that binds us to them but our love, and that continues with you and Biscuit.  (I love the name BTW!)

 

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I’m so glad to be able to offer any amount of comfort. Please continue to check in and let us know how you’re doing 

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Thank you, KayC. I wasn't getting notifications. 

 

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You might want to check your settings...for instance, mine notify me about one section but not the others, but then I come on here every day so I haven't bothered to change it.

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I'm having such a difficult day today. Yesterday was the 2 week anniversary of my little boy's passing. Today is just so quiet and still and lonely and I miss him so much. I'm either crying or on the verge of crying. I feel so empty and lost some days, today being one of them. I have so much sadness in me right now that I feel like I'm suffocating. 

I hope tomorrow is a little brighter. I can't deal with so much grief for much longer. It's crushing the life from me.

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I’m glad you checked in to let us know how you’re doing. I actually felt similarly today...reality seems to be setting in to me, I guess. The quiet is really tough. I’ve actually been thinking that I hope Fatsy is thankful that she never had to be miserable, and it’s been comforting in a way. Biscuit loved you unconditionally and I believe they appreciate what we do for them even if it feels bad at the time...he very much knew how much you loved him and still does. I hope that’s comforting to some degree - to know that all you’ve ever done for him is your absolute best and he appreciated it without a doubt. And maybe it sounds weird...but I also believe that they really do want to see us heal. Which doesn’t mean moving on and forgetting about them...just that our happiness in turn makes them happy. I hope that makes sense...just hoping to share some things that have helped me 

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Biscuit'sDad, I'm sorry it's so hard...praying today is a little better for you.

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