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Afraid to speak


jess kelly

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Im 19. I lost my mom on Valentine’s Day. The series of events the day after when we found her were extremely traumatic and the cause and time of death is still foggy because we still have yet to hear back from the coroner, who’s running a toxicology test. I quit my job but I’m back in school, trying to finish the semester.

The only people who know the story are family members who turned their backs on us years ago and now they’re over-compensating by sending me and my sister long dramatic texts and an excessive amount of gifts of wind chimes, canvases of her writing, photos of her and us, lockets with her picture in it. These reminders don’t help when you’re trying to get on with your life. And all of them are making lunch plans that I’m not sure I even agreed to.

Her “boyfriend” who we never met shared our family problems on fb and when I took his comment down he pulled me aside at the funeral to apologise and thank me for taking the post down then messaged me a few days ago asking me for details on the day my mom died. 

The few people I’m actually close to don’t know a quarter of the story because they’re very innocent and they make me feel better so I’m scared (I pretty much know) that if I tell them they’ll treat me differently or get depressed themselves. I have not talked to anyone about the full story besides my dad and my sister, the only two people who were there that day, and they’re beginning to get distant as time moves on. Therapists make me  paranoid and anxious. I’m feeling very alone and very scared. 

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Nicole-my grief journey

Jess Kelly,

Sending you a giant virtual hug! I’m so sorry and sad for the loss of your mom. It is the most painful thing to lose our moms and so hard to navigate the loss. You have expressed what I have gone through with family/ friends doing all of that stuff you described. The windchimes, lunch invites...When my mom died there was no way I could sit through lunches with her friends. Answer all their questions and relive my nightmare. A lot of them put so much on me. The were pushing responsibilities on me about taking care of my dad and telling me what they thought I should do. It gave me such anxiety. How was I going to take care of my dad when I couldn’t take care of myself...and I wanted to shout at them “Of course I’m going to help my dad as much as I can!” They acted as if I didn’t just spend three months at the hospital every day trying to save my mother! I was so angry and scared. I mean, they’re the adults...shouldn’t they actually be helping instead of just listing off their opinions about useless information...(ugh). I wanted to say, “I lost her too! Doesn’t anyone care if I’m ok?! She was my everything.” There were so many “How are you’s?” And my dad would get so hurt and angry every time someone would ask that. Although the people meant well, it was like “How do you think I’m doing?!” “She’s gone and we’ll never see her again.” It is more than painful. It is an earthquake losing a parent. I too cannot share with them the trauma that I experienced with my mom’s death and also my brothers death (I found him a week after he passed away). I know what it feels like to know they can’t handle hearing all of the things I saw and went through and what my mom and brother went through. I also don’t want to give them details because I don’t want people gossiping about my worst nightmare. I lived it and for them it’s just like a tv movie and not as real and in your face. So, I only spoke specifics when I couldn’t hold it in. And holding it in is the worst thing to do. Write out what you feel, cry as much as you need to. It is warranted. My sister in law and last brother that I have, act like it didn’t even happen and don’t contact me or talk about it. It’s so hard because I need to talk about with those that were there and saw what I saw. We need to be able to talk about it and share to be able to process it. What I’ve done to try and help myself is get into therapy. It’s the one place I can speak freely and let it all pour out of me. In therapy we do cognitive behavioral and also grief and trauma. I know it’s difficult to find therapy and a therapist that one likes and feels safe with, but I hope that you can find a resource like that near you. I know that can be annoying to hear and everyone will say it to you, but it really is important so that those feelings and emotions don’t stay inside your body and make you sick. It can also ground you and give you an anchor to transform the grief. Sharing here is also another way I have gotten a lot of trauma out. I speak freely on here and say it all. If you look at some of the other forumns on here, you can read the details regarding my specific story and others who have also had traumatic losses and relate. I know my reply here is long and so I won’t write it all out again in this moment. Although grief is individual and no one can truly know what another is going through, we are connected and there is care and empathy for each other. My heart is with you and I hope things shift for you. In the meantime, know we are here and we care.

Nicole

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