Loss of Charlie- Grieving and Guilty

[Bschaefs]

I lost my dog of 9 years on Saturday. I am on the autism spectrum and my dog and I were extremely close. I always tried to give my dog a healthy diet and exercise her, but she would often get some very small bites of my dinner and/or lunch. I was usually very dedicated to her exercise but sometimes it would be reduced in the winter when it was cold. I always thought I was giving her a good and healthy life but I am questioning everything now.

I took her to the vet a little over a month ago because she was panting a lot, seemed less energetic, somewhat cranky and was getting tremors. Everything looked ok, and the vet thought it was maybe just aging (she was nearing 11 years old) and anxiety. Then her blood came back with elevated liver enzymes. This had happened once before, a few years ago, and we’d done Denamarin and an ultrasound. The denamarin lowered her enzymes and nothing but a few minor things seemed out of the ordinary on the ultrasound.

I went in for another ultrasound a few weeks ago (that was the earliest appointment I could get) and her liver enzymes had sky-rocketed and there were nodules in her liver. They started her on additional medication and wanted to give it a week and then do a full biopsy (they’d already done an aspiration which didnt show anything). Since I was worried about her and wanted to do a “bucket list” sort of thing, I took her on one last road trip Friday evening, but i forgot her food. To tide her over, I gave her a few small bites of my dinner (chicken nuggets and fries). It’s very rare that i ever have fast food, and i had some hesitation about it, but at no point had either my vet or the internist given me a warning about food, and pancreatitis was not on the table at that point.

The next day she stopped eating and got very lethargic. I took her to the hospital and they treated her medically but she wasn’t getting better and now her bilirubin levels were skyrocketing. At some point, acute pancreatitis and a potential gallbladder blockage became the main issue. We finally did surgery and they put a stent in her gall bladder to get the bile flowing. The surgery was successful but unfortunately she had a blood clot go to her lung and her heart stopped.

I talked to the critical care vet on Sunday, mentioned the people food and asked if this is my fault. She said 100% no that I didnt cause it and couldnt have prevented it. I also looked up the fat content of what i gave her Friday night, and even allowing for much more than i gave her, the fat content isnt any higher than the recommended amount for her weight for a meal.

I was doing ok, but today the internist called today with her liver biopsy results. Essentially all they could see was inflammation and scar tissue, which could (and maybe likely) means that she had chronic pancreatitis. When i asked the internist about people food he mentioned that there was some thought that pancreatitis could be caused by high fat although they don’t know and there are other potential causes as well. That sent me into a spiral. It makes me feel like i have been slowly killing my dog for 9 years and causing her pain. I hate that she had to be in the hospital for so long away from me and that she had to die there. My family feels like I am blaming myself unnecessarily, and I want to believe them, but I am finding it very difficult.

[KayC]

Oh my dear, my heart hurts for you upon hearing your story!  My sister's dog, Polly, also died of Pancreatitis...she'd gotten into the Christmas ham which was on the dining room table.  They did surgery but it didn't save her life.  My own dog, Arlie, has chronic acute Colitis and I have to cook for him half his diet and the rest is one particular dogfood he can tolerate up to 50% of his diet, any more and he has an outbreak.

We do our best with our pets, they are as our children, and companions, and we love them more than anything in the world, there's nothing we wouldn't do for them...but alas we do not have full control over their life, how long they live, what maladies they suffer, much as we wish we could alleviate them.  We have limitations on our power, but not on our love.  

It is very common in grief to second guess everything we have done, all of the what ifs haunt us and we rethink everything...it's as if we're trying to come up with a different outcome, but the truth is there is only one outcome and that is what happened.  The vets give us information, guidance, but even that is limited.  I hope you will be able to let go of this guilt feelings, for that is what it is, it's a feeling, which most of our grief is, but not always fact-based or deserved.

I hope these articles will be of help to you as they have to me, I wish you only peace and comfort.

http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf
https://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
In addition, there are a host of ideas here for memorializing our pets...
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/03/memorializing-pets-we-have-lost.html

[AJWCat]

I am so sorry for you loss of your sweet Charlie. 

This was not your fault (it was a chronic condition as the vet said) and that last meal didn't send her into it either, probably was a good "bucket list" thing to do.

I've read the average dog lifespan is 10-13. Certainly there are a lot that go much younger and that live much longer. The point is, like humans, they get conditions with age and from living and at the end there is often not a lot we can do. It does not change your loss, and I know how incredibly heartbroken you are - I've been there. But please don't let the guilt get in the way. I hope you come back and look more support here, we all understand. (My cat was like my child for 10 years and I was devastated. It took me quite a while to grieve but even today, a year and half later, I can't think about our last day because like yours, it was pretty sudden and very sad.)

[+Jeffrey+]

I too am very sorry for your loss. And like KayC and AJWCat have already said, this was not your fault at all. So there is no reason for you to feel guilty about anything. And please believe me, we all know how painful this is for you. Just know that you loved your sweet Charlie, and you did your very best to give him a long, happy life. Think of all those beautiful moments you two had together, and maybe share a sweet story or two about him with us. I'd love to hear one, if you don't mind sharing.

I wish you the very best, and truly hope you get to feeling much better soon. You hang in there.

 

[Shemoore]

Good morning Jeffrey,

I hope your morning is off to a good start. Lady G. is very pretty. Socks the Cat loved Christmas. His first year at Glenn Moore Meadows he broke 17 ornaments on the tree... Fortunately, as each year passed, he broke few ornaments and just enjoyed sitting under the Christmas tree. One time in particular I remember getting a phone call from my staff at 6:00 in the morning telling me he was laying about 4 feet up in it on the branches, ( it was a 15 ft. tall tree) they wanted to know what to do. I said, "Don't touch him! Just leave him there and he'll get bored and come out of the tree on his own." He did, two hours later. Each year passed and less ornaments were broken.  He also loved listening to one of my resident's daughter's okay the violin. He would lay in front of her and listen to her play. Thank you for allowing me to share. It means a lot. Do you have any stories?

Shemoore

 

[AJWCat]

Great story. We adopted our cat when he was 5 and he pretty much had no interest in the tree besides drinking from it. 

[Shemoore]

Dear Beatriz,

My heart goes out to you. Please know that you did not kill your dog. Things happen in life that we don't always have control over or the answers to. Your thoughts are common right now especially when it comes to the loss of your beloved pet. I'm doing the same thing right now after having to put my much loved cat Socks to sleep a week ago last Thursday. Please be kind to yourself during this period of loss and feel free to message me or anyone any time. Hugs my dear person.

Shemoore