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Losing it all over again


JMEagle

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It's been awhile since I was active, I was doing better, I'd learned to cope kind of. My dad died three years ago nearly, I finally was feeling stable mentally. Finally feeling normal, well as normal as I've been in three years since losing my best friend. However things have changed. I'm barely hanging on to my emotions and I know why. My dad died suddenly, there was no warning, no time to say goodbye. He died due to cardiac arrest caused by medicine his doctor prescribed over the phone that we found out later should have never been prescribed to him in the first place. We never got justice even though we tried, we tried so hard, it wasnt about money and it wasnt about our pain, it was about stopping a doctor from taking other peoples loved ones because it was too late for us. I was 21 when my dad passed, just 3 months away from 22. Now I'm nearly 25, I can barely believe it because when I think of where my early 20s went it was with him, trying to figure out how to live with that hole his death left. I've not had it easy, his death triggered my anxiety and depression to worsen to the point I had to seek help. I wasnt me for so long, but I've been me for nearly a year now thanks to the amazing support I've had but I'm losing my battle with my mind again, I'm having episodes where the pain is harsh. I know its because I'm dealing with my mother who completely changed and basically bailed on me after my dad died dealing with health issues and me feeling guilty because we dont have a relationship anymore because she became so toxic to me I had to let go on some degree. Now my siblings tell me shes gonna need heart surgery and that her health is getting worse and worse and I'm ridden with guilt because after everything shes done I dont know how I'd react if something were to happen to her too. Part of me feels horrible because I know I wont feel half the pain I did when I lost my dad because I've felt I've lost my mother for over two years now. I feel like a horrible person for saying that, for saying that I don't know how I'd feel if something happened to her but I dont. She hasnt mothered me since my dad died, I've been on my own since then and it was her choices that led there not me. But i know if something were to happen I'd feel guilty because we dont have a relationship and I'd turn it around and blame myself even though she made the choices and still does when I have times of weakness and try to be the perfect daughter and let her back just for her to become toxic again. And on top of that I'm watching the woman who has been like a second mom to me or really the only mother I've had in 3years slowly lose her dad, who has been like a grandfather to me for nine years and its reminding me constantly of how it felt when I lost my dad. When I'm not working or dealing with my family I'm with them. Constantly for the last two weeks it's been work and going to help them after and watching him slowly wither away. Its killing me inside but I wont let her go through it alone. And I dont know what to do about all the rest. I need advice or safe wisdom, I dont know anything. How do you deal with all this?

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Dear JMEagle,

I am very sorry for your loss and everything you've gone through the past 3 yrs which sounds like a lot.  I am not really sure what to say to you.  My mother died just over 2 yrs ago.  I too went through a severe depression for a year and thought I would never get to the other side.  I am also estranged from my family.  My mothers family and my sister since my mother died.  I am doing better now.  I am myself again but obviously carrying with me the same level of sadness and loneliness from losing my mother who I was extremely close to.  I still have the pain of what happened within my family.  I'm still angry at how I was treated and it still affects me deeply.  The reason i can't give you advice is because all our situations are different.  Different with different dynamics and different relationships.  I wanted to write to you because I understand how you feel and how painful the situation is.  A few years ago a friend of mine had an argument with her mom and she cut her off.  Her mom was 80.  It was always a difficult relationship.  I thought it would blow over but my friend carried on ignoring her mother for a whole year.  I never said anything although I wanted to.  Suddenly and unexpectedly her mother died.  It was my fear that exactly that would happen but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to tell her what to do, hoping she would arrive at that place herself.   My friend was very upset at first but she recovered quickly and it did not massively affect her life.  We are all different.  We all have different relationships.  Some are difficult, some are toxic.  No one can tell you what to do because only you can decide.  I just wanted to acknowledge how hard it is and hope you will find a way to know what to do.  Loss is very hard.  We are all here because it changes our lives forever.  I wish you all the very best and your support system sounds very loving and important and hope you will lean on them a bit and know which way you should go.  

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Dear JMEagle,

I think so many of us feel as you do and wonder how on earth we are going to deal with it all? We make some progress with our grief and then it feels like we are pulled under again. There are so many triggers.

You loved your dad and of course wanted justice for him. Its a bitter pill to know how unfair life is sometimes. And then to have the estrangement from your mother and but also seeing her with her health issues now. I too have had issues with my mom. If you can, maybe reach out and just see her. Try to have a few words and go from there. I know its hard given everything that has happened in the past. But I can only say from personal experience there is guilt either way and sometimes its unavoidable even when we think we've done all we can.

Good of you to support your second mom. But it is hard to see a loved one in this condition. Always remember you can only do what you can.  And if you need a break or some time away, it will be okay.

Thinking of you. Please know we are all with you.

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Thank you both, it really helps to hear that others understand. It's one of the hardest things to constantly feel alone in feeling this way. None of my family understand my grief well, I was the only one really close with my dad out of my siblings because of him working so much when my older siblings were kids. Not even my mom who was married to my dad for almost four decades doesnt understand and even goes as far to belittling or bad mouthing him any chance she gets even though he was a good man. It's just hard to feel like I'm the behind everyone else because I still I have issues where everyone else is mostly stable. Thank you guys so much because your words helped in a time where I really really needed them. 

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Dear JMEagle,

It such a hard process grief.  Family dynamics after loss often change I have read many times.  I understand that feeling of being alone in your grief very well.  In a sense we all are because we all had different relationships with the person who we lost.  I was the closest to my mother so it has affected me the most.  Family issues/difficulties play a large part in the grief process.  It adds another layer to the already painful process.  Don't let anyone diminish your feelings.  They are real and express how much you loved your dad.  Look after yourself.

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