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Some good news


Billie Rae

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Today my husband's daughter called and she wants to take over the loan on the house and I can stay until I'm ready to go.She has a team of people who will clean it up so I don't have to worry about this hoard of his.That's an incredible load off my mind and I won't have to feel like a jerk for abandoning the house.Now I can breathe a little.Instead of worry now I can cry

 

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That is great news. I went to breakfast on Monday with my sister and life long friend Katy. It went pretty well. First time no tears going out to eat. Just a baby step in many more to come.

Linda

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@Billie Rae  I am so happy for you...what a relief it must be. Yes now you can grieve without that worry.  She sounds like a nice person.  @beaniele  I'm also glad for you, as you said baby steps but it's a start. Love and hugs to all.

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I also had abit of good news. I' ve been so worried about all the snow on the cottage, and I got a phone call from a neighbor up there and he told me he had shoveled the overhang for me, had 2 ft. of snow on it. The rest of the roof was good cause the wind had blown it off. Such a relief for me.  One less thing to worry about.  People can be so kind.

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It truly is amazing how the kindness of others makes such a big impact on us emotionally.  I finally drove my husbands truck up to a garage to have the slow leak in the tire repaired.  After finding out the screw in the sidewall was irreparable, the shop owner suggest I buy two new tires for tread safety reasons.  When I briefly told him my situation, he called around and figured out a way I could use my spare, rotate my tires and only buy a lightly used tire.  He saved me 600$.  I know there are good people out there who really care.  It’s those acts of kindness that really bring some brightness into the darkness of grief.

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Moment2moment
4 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

 

Today my husband's daughter called and she wants to take over the loan on the house and I can stay until I'm ready to go.She has a team of people who will clean it up so I don't have to worry about this hoard of his.That's an incredible load off my mind and I won't have to feel like a jerk for abandoning the house.Now I can breathe a little.Instead of worry now I can cry

 

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Wow! That is such a wonderful off that will lighten your load so much. So relieved for you!

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@All Its suprising that in this grief acts of kindness or help can make us feel as if we can let our guard down and let some people in,let's us know that there are people who try to let us grieve and they will try to help take care of us in the way that they can.@beaniele I'm so happy you were able to go out and be with people@Jes oh what a relief for you.Let's you know people are thinking of you!@SSC isn't it sweet how total strangers when they hear what we are going through will step up and renew our faith,it's the sad start of our"new"way of being and finding our new circle of trust and also learning to do things alone.
My heart to you all
Billie

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14 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

 

Today my husband's daughter called and she wants to take over the loan on the house and I can stay until I'm ready to go.She has a team of people who will clean it up so I don't have to worry about this hoard of his.That's an incredible load off my mind and I won't have to feel like a jerk for abandoning the house.Now I can breathe a little.Instead of worry now I can cry

 

Oh my gosh, Billie Rae, that made me cry!  Your stepdaughter is very special indeed.  Thank you for letting us know!  Now you can focus on your grief a little easier.

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@Billie Rae Wonderful. 

Sometimes prayers are answered in ways we don't expect.  What a blessing this is for you.  Please do take the time you need to grieve more and worry less.  I know many of us are breathing sighs of relief on your behalf.  Isn't it amazing how people who come here as total strangers end up as a caring community?

I too am still surprised at the kindness of others.  I related my "angel with roses" story some time back.  My latest involves our yard and fence.  We've used the same contractor twice for big outdoor projects.  He and my husband worked out all the designs and structural concerns together.

The two of them had worked out the final phase of the outdoor work, but shortly before we were to start, my hubby was diagnosed and all of our energy and time went to his care.  Last fall, I called our contractor and explained what had happened.  He was very sympathetic.  I asked him to re-estimate the project, but add significant repair to our 22 year old fence and gate.  My hubby and I had planned to do it ourselves.  He came out, went over it with me, and sent a new estimate--for exactly the same amount as the original, despite all the added work.  Such a nice gesture.

But it gets better.  He and his crew completed the big projects 2 weeks ago.  Last week after another huge rain and wind storm, I went outside with my coffee, looked over, and discovered the other part of the fence had pulled out and partway over!  I called our contractor.  He completed the work earlier this week.  I had been afraid I'd have to pay for a new fence, but he repaired this one to last for years.  When I asked whether he'd send me an updated original invoice or a separate second one, he said he was just helping a friend and asked only that I pay for materials plus a small token for the use of his personal equipment, etc.  I now have peace of mind for probably 10% of what a new fence would have cost.  Then he said, "I wish your husband could have seen how beautiful everything is. I liked working with him."  It made me so proud to know how my love had touched the lives of others.

My dear, I hope you are able to breathe easier and sleep better tonight knowing that kindness and hope still exist.  Now you can take your time, instead being forced to make decisions rapidly and while you are still overwhelmed and exhausted.

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thank you all for sharing these stories--they opened up my heart a little. I appreciate everyone for sharing. 

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@foreverhis That's Amazing!Isn't it funny how we find the people who are in our corner when we need them the most and our angels when we are feeling our lowest.All of us seem to be surrounded by kindness and all we need to do is be open with people and given the chance most will help.
Love you all
Billie

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Of coarse the grief has returned in spades. Crying. I live in the Bay Area and the weather has been so nice. Roger would be buying veggies to plant. All this beauty just makes me so sad at the life my husband is missing, an I missing seeing the joy in his eyes. Two steps forward, four steps back.

Linda

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6 hours ago, beaniele said:

All this beauty just makes me so sad at the life my husband is missing, an I missing seeing the joy in his eyes

We're 4 hours south of you on the central coast, so I know exactly what you mean.  We would be doing the same things.  Finally, finally we're having some clear weather and might even get some warmer days.  We would be out in the garden cleaning up, getting beds and pots ready for the spring.  We'd be harvesting the several kinds of peas, spinach, and carrots we grew each fall and winter.  We'd be pouring over seed and plant options for the spring and summer veggies, especially tomatoes because one of the local universities has a big tomato plant sale every spring with varieties that grow well in the cool coastal summers.  Each year on sale day, we'd go first thing.  He'd grab a rolling rack and guard the plants while I scurried around gathering our choices.  He designed and built the best tomato cages in the history of the world, IMO.  He was so proud to set them up each spring.  And we always had the ceremonial eating of the first tomato of the season.

These days, I get up to look out at clear sun on sparkling water with seabirds flying, doves calling, hummingbirds and bees flitting.  I say, "Look, honey.  Isn't it beautiful out today?"  He was so proud when we were able to buy our small home on a teeny lot.  He took such pride in keeping it up (with my help).  We traded newer and bigger for a view that made him smile every single day.  He shouldn't be missing this.  Neither should your love.

I was just thinking earlier today that what I'm grieving most and what angers me is that my love was robbed.  Of course I selfishly want him here for me, our girls, and our family, but he was the one who was denied a full life.  I don't care that he was 71; he had a lot of life left to enjoy, to live, and to love.  I would have been content to just have him here with me living our little adventures and our quiet days and nights.  Of course I grieve for myself, our girls, and the people who love him, but we're still here and he was taken away.  He was such a good man.  I miss him every minute.  (Yep, tears are streaming down my face right now.  That happens a lot and probably always will.  Should have bought stock in Kleenex.)

No one said life was fair, but I've decided it should darn well be just.

If I may suggest a reason for you feeling worse right now.  The few times I've gone over to a neighbor's house or the once out to dinner, I've been smacked in the heart when I come home.  He's not there.  He's missing so much.  It makes me even lonelier when I've been with people and then walk into a silent house.  I dislike going out for any reason really because it's always the same.  The unavoidable, painful reminder that my soulmate isn't here with me now.

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13 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

That's Amazing!Isn't it funny how we find the people who are in our corner when we need them the most and our angels when we are feeling our lowest.All of us seem to be surrounded by kindness and all we need to do is be open with people and given the chance most will help.
Love you all

I've really seen that with this horrendous storm we just went through.  13-16 days ago I was struggling not to give into the blackness...no electricity for 8-9days, no phone until yesterday (it was back briefly then gone), vehicles behind 6 ft of snow, no water to flush with, food going bad, couldn't get to the coolers because the building they were in was blocked by 6 ft of snow!  In the blackness of the night listening to my trees breaking all around me, tons of branches and quite a few trees...it's the eeriest feeling in the world.  And all alone.

Yesterday began the reprieve from snow.  Oh sure, I still have snow everywhere but it's no longer snowing!  We're seeing the sun appear, in the 50s and by this weekend the 60s!  My son showed up just when I needed him most, and when I saw him I told him he was an angel and I cried.  People helped others...our small Baptist Church provided refuge for 60 stranded middleschoolers and 20 of their chaperones.  Dairy Queen, Subway, Ray's Food Place, the Food Bank, and Red Cross all helped and another pastor loaned a huge barbecue grill and others generators to be able to take care of them.  All of that was going on while I was cut off from the world, unable to get any news.  One of my neighbors passed out drinking water, another fruit, another birdseed for the birds.  The young went door to door checking on the elderly.  My son shoveled snow and friends of his showed up to help him.  The whole town saw their own miracles...even a train was stranded in our town for a couple of days.  That made national news but they at least had heat, food, water, even showers!  There were many in dire straits with no heat, water, etc.  But we came through it.

And that's the thing that sticks with me...we weathered it, we came through it and now we see a little light at the end of the tunnel!  Much like our grief journeys only with grief it takes longer, but the analogy is there.

Yesterday I got the rest of the trees and branches out of "Arlie's fence" (my dog's)...I still have the rest of the yard to do but it will have to wait until the snow melts and I will need some help disposing of all of the debris, it's huge.  But it felt so good to have Arlie's yard cleaned up so he can run and play without injuring himself on a stob, and that I was able to do that by myself in just a couple of weeks, I could not have imagined!

It's amazing what we can do...little by little, one day at a time.

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Oh Kayc,I'm so sad that you have to endure that.But you are correct in one day one hour one minute,no matter what we are going through life does move on even when we don't see or feel it or wether we want to or not.Your advice on seeing one joy a day is spot on even this early on if I can't smile once a day I would go insane,I refuse to live in a world of sadness and despair my Charlie wouldn't like that.He always said he wished he could be outgoing and optimistic like me so to honor him I have to be what he wanted for me.I apologize to him when I cry and feel down and often ask him what he wants me to do.
I love you all
Billie

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These stories of kindness are beautiful. Yes, there is some good left in this world!

 

8 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I was just thinking earlier today that what I'm grieving most and what angers me is that my love was robbed.  Of course I selfishly want him here for me, our girls, and our family, but he was the one who was denied a full life.  I don't care that he was 71; he had a lot of life left to enjoy, to live, and to love.  I would have been content to just have him here with me living our little adventures and our quiet days and nights.  Of course I grieve for myself, our girls, and the people who love him, but we're still here and he was taken away.  He was such a good man.  I miss him every minute.  (Yep, tears are streaming down my face right now.  That happens a lot and probably always will.  Should have bought stock in Kleenex.)

No one said life was fair, but I've decided it should darn well be just.

If I may suggest a reason for you feeling worse right now.  The few times I've gone over to a neighbor's house or the once out to dinner, I've been smacked in the heart when I come home.  He's not there.  He's missing so much.  It makes me even lonelier when I've been with people and then walk into a silent house.  I dislike going out for any reason really because it's always the same.  The unavoidable, painful reminder that my soulmate isn't here with me now.

This resonates with me so much. It's the reason why I called my first post on this forum "robbed of Rob".

And I recognize the part about spending a good time somewhere and then returning to an empty house. "He's not there." Bloody awful.

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@KayC  Your recent events actually remind me of something from years ago.  My father had died a few years earlier, but my mom kept on traveling, especially at Christmas.

One morning we had 6.6M earthquake, the strongest in nearly 20 years.  I'm a California girl, so little ones don't affect me much, but that one literally knocked me off the sofa.  The primary shock went on for at least 2 minutes and was a type that changed from waves to jolts.  Of course, we lost power, the water distribution shut down temporarily, and the phone lines were jammed.  After the main thrust stopped, we checked our house for damage.  Not much because we prepare for stuff like that with strapping and latches, but enough.  Then I went to my mom's place to check it out.  Also not too much damage, though stuff was all over the floor.

When I got back, my husband said, "We need to go check on 'the girls' and make sure they're okay."  By girls, he meant my mom's friends who were scattered around the area.  So that's what we did.  He loaded the car with water and some non-perishable food, and we drove from place to place.  We made sure everyone was not hurt, helped pick up stuff, and left water and food where needed.

We weren't thinking, "Aren't we wonderful for doing this."  We just did it.  While we were out, we ran into all kinds of people doing exactly the same thing for neighbors and friends.  School was out for the holidays, but the principal of the middle school opened it up to anyone who needed a temporary place to rest and had coffee, tea, and water available.  The grocery store had small emergency lights, so they opened and basically sold everything by cash or IOUs.  The manager handed out bottled water and snacks at no charge. 

It's during times like that when our faith in the human race is renewed.

I'm so glad you made it through this dark, cold, scary winter.  The calendar says spring should start soon.  I really hope that's true.

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@foreverhis  Our spring is usually later but we are now seeing abnormally warm for March.  We had so much snow, and now with daytime temps in 30's and 40's the snow is melting fast.  Next week temps in 50's...so really hope its start of Spring.  But with it comes the pain of a new season without our love......:sad:  Thinking of all as this new change begins. Jeanne

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We're in mid 30s at night now and got into the 60s yesterday, it felt WONDERFUL to walk without a down coat and boots!  The sun out gives us hope that winter is ending soon!

@foreverhis  that does remind me, neighbors helping neighbors, the community working together to pull through a storm.  Thanks for sharing that!

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Okay, everyone.  On the subject of "Is spring here?"  It was 75 degrees out today, both on the coast and in town!  I wore long shorts and a t-shirt for the first time in 3 months.  Sure, the morning was cool enough that I needed my hoodie, but by 11 am, I had to take it off because I was sweating.  Yay!

There was a garden sale at the local nursery.  As I walked along looking at plants, I kept tearing up thinking about how my love should be here with me choosing things, laughing, "arguing" (not really) over what plants to get.  I picked some things we like and a couple of things we hadn't seen before.  When I got to the checkout, the clerk asked, "Are you okay?" (small town; they actually mean it).  I said, "No, I'm not.  My husband died recently and I miss him so much.  We usually do this together."  She was so incredibly sweet and kind.  And even though it usually bothers me, I was okay with it when she came around the counter with my receipt and gently asked if she could give me a hug.  There's something special about small town, "We're all in this together" attitudes.

I talked to my husband as I unloaded everything at home.  Later this week on a warm, sunny day, I will clean pots and fill them with the new plants.  I will cry and I will smile remembering how much spring always meant to us.  But I know for sure I won't be emotionally capable of growing veggies this summer.  It was too much an "us" thing.

Another thing that screamed "Spring is here!" to me was my once-every-three-months stop at See's.  I'd forgotten that Easter is coming up next month.  I walked in and there they were, the chocolate bunnies.  That was another unexpected smack in the heart. 

See, one year we went camping over the long Easter weekend.  We decided that being in nature and talking about faith was every bit as important as a new Easter hat, so to speak.  Easter morning, we took a walk, marveled at the beauty, and then came back for breakfast.  We had baskets for the girls with jelly beans, chocolate bunny, pretty new earrings, crazy socks, etc.  But the Easter Bunny had not thought to bring a bunny for my love.  Poor hubby.  He put out the boo-boo lip and said he was sad.  I promised then and there that the Bunny would never forget him again.  And for 30 years after that she never did.  Even last year when he was in the hospital, that faithful old Easter Bunny delivered one beautiful See's chocolate bunny.  I had to turn away from the display and quick step up to the counter to select the regular pound of treats.  It didn't occur to me until today that Easter would actually be a difficult holiday for me.  Sigh.

I realize now that all these things, even simply the changing seasons, will be painful and difficult. 

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@Foreverhis feeling that right with you.Today was the 2 months day and it was a sunny day.We would have washed our cars and then come home to mow the yard and I would have had to remind him not to run over my little snowball bush,again.He ran over it for 3 years straight.But all I could do is sleep,this sadness is making my cold hang on.Last week was my clients anniversary and she is bedbound so I had to get a card from her to her husband and the clerk said oh how sweet,you must love him so much.I had to sit in the car and sob and scream.It made me think about how tough I'm going to have to be,I love my client and her family so I'll be with them as long as possible BUT her birthday is the same day as Charlie except the year.Both are 11/07.Her M.S has also made her mentally disabled as well as physically so I will have to pretend to be happy on her birthday.Each day I realize there will be new challenges that I never thought of.
Love to all

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As I look out over my snow-filled yard, I am reminded of how George and I made snow angels in the snow there...I'd never done that before.  Leave it to my husband!  So full of spirit, loved every holiday, every season.

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