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I lost my forever.


Ljones1995

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I lost my husband on February 12th. Yesterday was 4 weeks and it seems like forever, but also like it just happened. He battled cancer for 3 1/2 years and continued to fight up until 4 days before his death. He fought for me. He did not want to leave me. He was my safe place, my rock. I feel so alone and my heart is shattered. 27 years was not enough. I pray for strength and that God will heal my heart. I just don't know how anyone ever recovers from losing their forever. The grief is simply overwhelming.

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10 hours ago, Ljones1995 said:

Yesterday was 4 weeks and it seems like forever, but also like it just happened. He battled cancer for 3 1/2 years and continued to fight up until 4 days before his death. He fought for me. He did not want to leave me.

I understand. I really do.  I lost my soulmate to cancer last summer.  He'd fought for 1-1/2 years and tried to keep fighting until a few days before he died.  I know in my heart that he kept fighting longer than we might have expected, longer than he probably should have, because he didn't want to leave me, our girls, and our family.  He didn't want to leave this life we had.  I fear he thought he had let me down, whereas the truth is I feel like I let him down.  I couldn't save him, so I go through every decision, every question, and take all the weight on myself because I'm the one left here and he is gone.  If you are feeling any of those emotions, remind yourself that you did everything you could to make your husband's life better.

I go back and forth between feeling as if it happened yesterday and as though it happened in the distant past.  In my grief, there are no straight lines and time often loses meaning.  All I can do, all most of us can do, is live through each day, each hour while we fumble our way through feeling untethered and separate.  I urge you not to look too far down the road right now.  Focus on what you can and need to do instead.  And do not chide yourself when you're unable to do as much as you think you should.  Your life has been upended in a way that most people cannot understand.

Some people will likely use platitudes that make you want to either rip out your hair or punch them in the nose.  The cliches of "At least he's not in pain now" or "You're lucky you had 27 years together" or any number of insensitive remarks may make you feel worse.  I try to simply tune them out when I can, though I've responded with some anger once in a while.  Because 35 years or 27 years or any number of years is not "enough" when you and your soulmate are together.  I've had to tell a couple of people who said things like, "I only had X number of years with my husband" that it is not a freaking contest and that the number of years makes no difference when you're mourning the love of your life.  I think the only possible response to "At least he's not in pain now" is "Duh! Did you think I wanted him to suffer?"

I'm glad you found your way here.  It took me 5 months of desperation, pain, and quite frankly hell (sorry all) to reach out.  I came looking for help coping, but found a community of people who are all dealing with similar losses, who "get it" in ways that no one else we know and love can.  I found that validation of everything I was thinking, doing, and feeling was one of the most helpful things I could have asked for.  Being here helped me understand that the guilt, the questions, and the despair aren't just okay, but absolutely universal.

 

10 hours ago, Ljones1995 said:

I just don't know how anyone ever recovers from losing their forever. The grief is simply overwhelming.

To be honest, I don't think we ever do truly recover.  My heart and life are shattered.  I don't expect or plan to move on or pick up the pieces or find a new normal.  What I am doing is trying to find a way to live with my grief, to incorporate it into the life I have now so that it doesn't drown me.  It will always be there and it overwhelms me much of the time.  I will miss my love every day for as long as I live.  The difference is that I accept it, rather than rage against what I cannot change, which I did for quite some time.

I urge you to look for things that will help comfort you.  Some of us write in journals, write poems, or write letters to our loves.  Some of us talk to them often--I talk to my husband every day.  Some of us find wearing an old shirt or sweater, or snuggling up with a favorite blanket or pillow soothing--I wear my husband's old flannel shirts on cold mornings.  Praying is a big comfort to many of us.  What helps you will be unique to you.

My husband and I had faith in each other, in people in general, and in the notion that there are things we don't understand or know, things beyond our comprehension.  Because of that, I believe in signs and I believe that someday I will be with my love again.  I try to hold onto that during my darkest times.

Please come here often.  You can question, vent, and talk to others who understand the depth of your grief and pain.

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I lost my husband on February 12th. Yesterday was 4 weeks and it seems like forever, but also like it just happened. He battled cancer for 3 1/2 years and continued to fight up until 4 days before his death. He fought for me. He did not want to leave me. He was my safe place, my rock. I feel so alone and my heart is shattered. 27 years was not enough. I pray for strength and that God will heal my heart. I just don't know how anyone ever recovers from losing their forever. The grief is simply overwhelming.
I too am recent in grief January 16.As@Foreverhis said this is a community of love and understanding.When my Charlie understood that he really was going to leave me he told me not to grieve forever he would be unhappy if I did,Ha easier said than done but remembering that makes me feel like he's watching me.I write him letters and express everything I'm feeling,lost,lonely angry and sorry.I read a book on grief,grief the inside story by Pat Bertram and it helped me at least see that I am normal and not completely crazy.I'm so sorry you find yourself with us but stay and vent,rage or cry we share in your pain and we get it.My heart to yours
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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I am so sorry, if I had a wish it would be that no one would ever have to go through this again, this incredible life changing loss.  My husband was my best friend, my soul mate, we spent all our time together (when not working) and enjoyed each other to the hilt!  There isn't "recovery" from such loss, only learning to live with it, beginning to adjust, honing coping skills, learning about grief and how to get through it.  It helps to express yourself and I'm glad you found your way here.

I wrote this article at ten years out, of what I'd learned, and I hope something in it will be of help to you...

 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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On 3/13/2019 at 10:25 AM, Ljones1995 said:

Yesterday was 4 weeks and it seems like forever, but also like it just happened.

That's how it used to feel to me too...now it just feels like forever ago (nearly 14 years).  It's an odd thing, time...it skews...especially in something so impacting as this.

I hope you'll keep coming here.

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On 3/13/2019 at 6:25 PM, Ljones1995 said:

I lost my husband on February 12th. Yesterday was 4 weeks and it seems like forever, but also like it just happened. He battled cancer for 3 1/2 years and continued to fight up until 4 days before his death. He fought for me. He did not want to leave me. He was my safe place, my rock. I feel so alone and my heart is shattered. 27 years was not enough. I pray for strength and that God will heal my heart. I just don't know how anyone ever recovers from losing their forever. The grief is simply overwhelming.

Dear Ljones,

my condolences. I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

I know what it is to lose the love of your life to a terrible disease. It's like a double trauma it seems, you miss your husband who is gone forever, and you have the memories of this battle which both of you fought so bravely but could not win in the end.

The thing is that the grief journey is very difficult. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news but you have to go through it. Words are especially important. Phrases like "getting over it" and "moving on" have no meaning at best, and can even be insulting, because your love for him is not something that will ever go away.

Please keep coming here. In general seek out people. Not always, because you need some "grieving time" by yourself. But don't spend too much time in isolation.

I wish you all the best and know that you are not alone here.

Hugs, Pim

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@Ljones1995  I too, am so sorry for your recent loss. I am now at almost 6 months and as I look back,  I can't hardly imagine how I made it through those first months.  I clung to friends, family, my ever present sister,  talking, sharing, and sometimes just being alone crying, and grieving. There is no wrong way to get us through.  We all may have different timetables on our grief, but we all seem to go through, mostly, the same feelings and the pain of our loss. I think 100 years would not be long enough to have our loved one with us...we would all wish for more.  Know that your feelings, whatever they may be, are shared by us all.  Please reach out when you are able, know that we are here for you and that we understand.  My thoughts are with you and all who find themselves on this unwanted journey.

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