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I've lost my biggest supporter


Lia

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My uncle passed away on January 6th of this year after a very long battle with metastatic melanoma. He was a second father to me, and he was the one person who supported me in everything I did and who believed in me unconditionally. It has been a series of ups and downs for years since he first got sick, but recently it has gotten really bad for me.

After he passed away there was a lot going on. We're Filipino, so there a series of rituals we had to follow: we had a 9 day vigil, then a viewing service, then a funeral mass over the course of two weeks. Then in addition to that, at the end of the month we flew to the Philippines with my uncle's body because he wanted to be buried where he was born. Once we got there we did the 9 day vigil all over again, then another funeral service, and then finally he was laid to rest about a month after he passed away. The entire thing was so drawn out and the entire time I was surrounded by friends and family, so it was very easy to ignore the pain and this allowed me to believe that I was fine. I made it through the funeral and saying goodbye without completely breaking down, so didn't that mean that from then on I was going to be okay? I didn't know that the hard part was just about to begin.

I've since returned home to Vancouver, Canada, and since I've been home I've been struggling. First of all, I've had a hard time adjusting because of the time difference and because we're in the dead of winter so I went from 30+ degree C weather to snow. I've also gone from being surrounded by people to being mostly alone; all my friends and family have their own lives and responsibilities and I understand that, but at the same time it feels like everyone is continuing to live around me while I'm stuck drowning.

In order to attend the funeral I missed two weeks of university classes, and though my professors were very accommodating and helped me to catch up, right now I'm doing the worst I've ever done in school. I left the Philippines determined to jump back into the semester at 110%, but now I'm struggling to just stay afloat. I wake up every morning feeling tired no matter how much sleep I get, I have no appetite most days, and I can't stop crying. Today I tried to sit down and work on a paper that's due on Friday, but instead I just sat there and cried. Then when I finally stopped crying, I started to cry again because of how frustrated I was at my lack of ability to concentrate. I feel so ashamed that I'm struggling so badly that when people ask me how school is going I lie and tell that I'm doing well.

My instinct at times like this is to go hang out with my uncle and talk about it, and it kills me that I'll never be able to do that again. I keep surrounding myself with reminders of him because I'm terrified of forgetting what his face looks like or what his voice sounds like, but every time I look at his face or hear his voice it hurts. I don't know how to pick myself up from this.

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Nicole-my grief journey

Lia, sending loving thoughts your way. I am sad for your loss. I too experience being alone a lot and feeling alone in my grief. I too went from being surrounded by others when my mom passed, to everyone going back to their lives and busy schedules with me drowning in my grief. It takes all of me to get myself up, out and towards helping myself. It has been hard to know what to do and my mom and brother that I lost were the ones who would help me and pick me up. They were the ones that I would call. Since they are no longer on this earth (I still talk to them and go to places that remind me if them), but I also put myself in therapy and I post on here to try and do my best to cope. I go hour to hour and try not to think too far a head. If you are able to, maybe you can see a grief counselor. I know everyone says to do this and it’s not easy, but I think it’s so important. I still have to do a lot of work on my own to deal with grief and the thoughts and emotions that are all encompassing, but the therapy does give me one place that I know I can be heard and witnessed in what I feel and creates a schedule where I am accountable to something and someone. Otherwise, I am just totally floating and lost. The appointment I have to keep every week grounds me. Little by little over these months it’s helped me add the things I used to do back in to my life. I still have trouble connecting to the things I used to do because it’s hard to find meaning when you experience deep loss, but I’m hoping it eventually creates a spark in me to be interested in life more. I feel I’m now makimg some strides. I tell myself my only choice is to keep going. Keep going no matter what to honor the beautiful things I learned from my mom and brothers. Hang in there. We care.

Hugs,

Nicole

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8 hours ago, StreamingTheLight said:

I too experience being alone a lot and feeling alone in my grief.

Hi Nicole,

Thank you for your kind words, I hear everything you've said and I know you're absolutely right, but as you've also said, sometimes it's a lot easier said than done. I hope to eventually make my way into counselling, but I don't think I'm quite ready to talk about it face to face without completely breaking down. I hope in a few months maybe I'll be ready, but until then I think I'm content with posting here and reading others' stories about their own experiences with grief. It gives me hope to hear from people like you who are struggling, but at the same time slowly finding their way.

Thank you for sharing with me,

Lia

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