My Girlfriend hung herself

[Dfan]

I spent 2 years with a woman that I got to truly love. She was an amazing soul that lit up every room she entered. An amazing personality that was just full of love and joy. 

She did suffer alcoholism. And yes she was going through a nasty divorce since 6 years ago (4 years before I met her). She did have these problems, however, after the first year of our relationship, it just felt like everything was going so well. She was not drinking. She figured out how to deal with many things. And she was simply finishing up with the divorce. 

However, 2 days after Christmas, she had a really bad breakdown. She drank and it was just not good. It just felt like demons were talking out of her. It was just not good. I couldn't even deal with it and I did deal with every breakdown she had before. But this one was just not good. and it was just at all level where I left. I left to see if she will calm down so I can come back the next day. Next day I spent at my mother's house. After a few phone calls with her, I figured that she was hungry, so I went to buy her food. It was almost at midnight. I went to the drive thru and called her to see what she wanted. She then told me that she was going to hang herself and it will be done in 6 minutes. 

I called the emergency. And as I didn't have the keys (because she took them from me the day before), the police told me to hang around and they will call me when they get there. 

I thought she would be good and that they were going to go grab her and take her to the hospital and eventually she would calm down and see a therapist. 

After 1.5 hours of hanging around. The police said to me that she was rushed to the hospital. She made an attempt to hang herself. They managed to get a pulse but there was breathing tubes breathing for her. 

I could not believe it. It felt like the whole world shattered. I drove to the hospital and eventually I got to see her at the ICU. 

4 days later she died. The next of kin was convinced to turn the machines off as the doctors had no hope that her brain activity would come back at all. 

For two months I was really devastated. However, the good memories of her and I together kept her alive and I was able to deal with it. However, I figured through some neighbors and through some evidence that she slept with another man a month before she died. It was when I was out of country for work. Also, I think she slept with the same man one week after I came back. I was really broken when I found out. I could not figure out why. I just really couldn't. Then all the good memories just got dark in my head and there was just nothing else that could calm my thoughts down. 

Im not just going through a normal Loss grief. It's loss grief + suicide grief + betrayal grief. I just don't know how to cope with this anymore. No matter what I do and who I speak to and so on, I am just feeling shattered. 

Has anybody gone through a similar situation? If yes, can you please tell me your thoughts. I appreciate it. 

[rjrogers]

Wow! That is a hard story to hear. I've been through the betrayal and there never really is an explanation.  Most of the time the offender isn't sure why it happened. I've always believed it typically has something to do with some demon the person is dealing with and truly has no true connection to the person they are with or any reflection of their love for their partner.  Don't get me wrong, there are those who just aren't happy and choose to sleep around, but many times these are the guys, rarely do the gals do this. It seems when the gals go that route they are dealing either knowingly or unknowingly with something.  They continue to love their significant other tremendously; then they suffer the guilt of the betrayal and end up having another demon they have to try to deal with.

I too have recently dealt with the loss of the love of my life. The crazy thing I've found after she passed; I didn't realize how much I truly loved her. I never questioned my love and knew I loved her a lot, but I never questioned it, nor focused on it, I accepted I loved her and left it there. After she passed I began to realize how much I loved her and how much she truly meant to me. That loss is probably the hardest thing you will ever have to deal with.  The only loss I think which might be worse, would be the loss of a child. My father experienced this and I saw what it did to him. I hope to never experience that pain.

I believe her betrayal had nothing to do with you and your relationship together. Her response, the drinking and evilness she displayed, was probably caused by her guilt for the betrayal; the incredible anger she had at herself for committing the betrayal and fear of how you react and how could she do such a thing to you. I would imagine this reaction was directed at herself more than anyone. How was she ever going to tell the person who had been by her side and had given her so much love; how was she ever going to tell this person what she had done? How was she going to hurt this person like this? Who would do a thing like that? I imagine all of these types of questions and accusations were going through her mind.

The suicide? An escape from the pain and agony. An attempt to get what was eating her alive to stop.  Did she really mean to take her life? At this time there is no way to know.  If she did, why did she tell you she was going to do it? It seems to me, most of the time someone tells someone else they are going to kill them self, they don't really want to die. If someone came up to them and tried to kill them right then, they would fight for their life, versus willingly allowing it to happen. These folks really just want the pain or evilness inside to stop. The ones who really want to die and want to kill themselves plan and do everything they can to make sure they succeed. The tell everyone they are okay. The seclude themselves or go somewhere they won't be found easily. Then they perform the act.  I'm not saying anyone who says they are going to kill them self isn't serious. I believe they truly feel that way; I'm just not sure they really want to die.

I hope you can find some peace. I don't know either of you, but I believe she loved you dearly. I believed she screwed up, then couldn't figure out a way to deal with it and how bring some sort of resolution without causing you intense pain and this began eating her from the inside out.  I hope you will be able to once again cherish your memories together. I long to be able to get to that point where I can cherish my memories with my Lisa. Right now when I have them the pain from the loss is just so intense, but I know we had a special relationship and I miss it dearly. Your girlfriend sounds like a special person and an incredible person who had her own demons to deal with and unfortunately the demons got the better of her.

I'm not sure if any of what I've said makes sense or if it just muddies the water. I truly feel for you and feel your pain to some extent. I haven't experienced exactly what you are dealing with, but I have dealt with each aspect separately. Hang in there. Come back often. Someone here may very well know exactly what you are going through and has been through what you are. I've found there are many great people on here who actually "get it" and understand the thoughts, feelings, fears, etc. we deal with.

[SSC]

@Dfan I am so very sorry for what you’ve been through.  I also lost my partner to suicide and I know you’re dealing with a lot of confusion and “what ifs”.  Although I don’t have the betrayal component, I have gone through all the searching and trying to figure out why he “chose” to do this.  It takes time.  You may never know and probably will never know exactly why she did what she did.  Youll find yourself wanting to search and go over things again and again until you can come to terms with where  you feel her mind was.  

On this forum under suicide survivors, there is a post The other side of the coin. It is quite a compelling read.  It shows how there are sides to people that we never really know about.  I’m not saying this is exactly how your girlfriend felt, but it does shed light on a few things.

feel free to message me if you’d like to discuss things.  My husband passed away in October so I’m a little further along in the process than you are.

 

[KayC]

13 hours ago, rjrogers said:

I've always believed it typically has something to do with some demon the person is dealing with and truly has no true connection to the person they are with or any reflection of their love for their partner.

I think you may be right.

Dfan, I am so sorry, for everything you are going through.  It is hard to accept that another person has made choices that were self-destructive and we live with the aftermath, but it happens.  My husband wasn't perfect, but he was perfect for me, if that makes any sense, we got each other, loved each other, but he made choices that took him away from me by smoking and doing Meth, he was trying to get clean when he died.  Sometimes I feel he was spared what he would have had to go through, but I'm the one paying the price.  I don't regret a day I was with him, only that it couldn't have lasted longer.

I hope you'll keep coming here, it helps to express what we're feeling and this is one place you'll be heard and understood by people that care.

[Dfan]

20 hours ago, rjrogers said:

I've always believed it typically has something to do with some demon the person is dealing with and truly has no true connection to the person they are with or any reflection of their love for their partner.

Thanks for the reply rjrogers. 

I actually knew she had demons. They always tried to get to her. especially when she drank. it didn't matter how much, whether if it was half a beer or 10, it would be the same. she wouldn't be herself at all. her walking, tone of voice, and even sometimes her color of eyes were different than when she was sober. it always got me so anxious. she would turn from a really lovely and energetic and happy person to somebody that was just different in so many ways. 

you know, I have been speaking to many different people. ones that knew her and ones that didn't. they all said that I gave it all to somebody that probably didn't deserve it. it really doesn't help the grief and I know those are just assumptions based on regular society beliefs and experiences. I knew what the connection was like. and yes, I always felt something was just not right since she took that action. 

The only problem is, since I found this out, all the good memories that were making me cope with this in a positive mind set did kind of fade away and it was just the what ifs that came back. and then it was just feelings of hatred that tried to get me. it made me so weak physically and MENTALLY that I was just thinking about making the wrong actions. 

Now, you have actually told me something that I can believe is right. not because it makes me feel better, but because it actually does sound more real based on what I experience with her over the 2 years. So Thank you. Im actually glad I made this post. 

Also, I am really sorry for your loss. from what I read it seems your loss wasn't sudden or at least not a bad one. The one thing I can say at this point is before I found out about the betrayal (in my case), I was actually really positive. I did believe I was going to meet her again at one point and I was really letting all the good memories help me through it. I was just dealing with it so well. I do suggest keeping all the good memories, you sound as an amazing and understanding person, so I do believe you will deal with your loss and she will always be with you, my friend. 

19 hours ago, SSC said:

On this forum under suicide survivors, there is a post The other side of the coin. It is quite a compelling read.  It shows how there are sides to people that we never really know about.  I’m not saying this is exactly how your girlfriend felt, but it does shed light on a few things.

Thanks SSC. I read the post!

It is great to read that perspective and see what somebody with depression goes through. My girlfriend was going through a really hard time of course and yes sometimes she felt beaten. the only thing was we always went through it together. I always tries to take some of that pain and put it on my own shoulder. but the problem was it was only adding to my pain but not really taking any of hers away. then I figured how to help her change her state of mind and emotions. it actually caused her to have so much progress. however, at the end she would tell me stuff like "I have so much baggage! why are you still with me." or "you deserve a much happier life!" or so on. 

I hope you are dealing with your grief. yes mine happened in December/beginning of January and it is more recent than your situation. I do not know how to appreciate you replying. I know it is really hard to reply to somebody else going through a suicide loss grief while you are going through it yourself. I wish you all the best. 

 

6 hours ago, KayC said:

Sometimes I feel he was spared what he would have had to go through, but I'm the one paying the price.  I don't regret a day I was with him, only that it couldn't have lasted longer.

Thanks for the reply KayC. 

Yes, it does feel that way sometimes. trough this situation I have found that people don't really commit suicide. it is a mental attack just like how somebody can have a heart attack. So this actually gave me more peace knowing that she is now perhaps in peace and that nothing is bothering her anymore. when I pray, I always say to god "if you have the forgiveness, then I know you will save her. if where she is, is based on any judgement, then let her towards the light, because I consider what I'm going through as that I am the one paying the price for her".    

 

 

[foreverhis]

@Dfan  I'm almost speechless, which members here can tell you is unusual.  I really have no similar experiences, but couldn't say nothing because I believe that is one of the worst things that happens to us:  People don't know what to say, so they say nothing at all and leave us floundering alone.  You are not alone when you are here.

My heart goes out to you and I hurt for you knowing how impossible this all must seem.  I hurt for your love and the fear and pain her demons must have caused you both.  I am sending you big virtual hugs and hoping you will come here often to talk, vent, and question.

[Pim]

Dear Dfan,

this is all just too terrible. I am so sorry for you.

I believe that her love for you was just as real as was your love for her. That is no to play down the alcohol problem or the affair. But please always keep in mind the love you felt for each other.

Suicide is not something I am familiar with. It seems to me that often it is not a well thought out plan, but some impulse (demon?) which suddenly takes over. How sad this must be for you.

Please know we will be here for you.

Pim

[Billie Rae]

@Dfan I'm so sorry for your pain.I also believe what rjrogers said,affairs have nothing to do with your relationship,it's old demons,a need for attention that wasn't given while young or comfort where none can be found.This is my second round of grief,long before my Charlie died of cancer,in 1996 My first husband committed suicide,his mother and father both did also.The first 5 or 6 years the why drove me crazy but now I believe he didn't mean it,I think he thought he would end up in the hospital and everything would work out,He also became someone else when he drank.I hope you can in time understand that this was not about you and I learned the hard way that we can't fix the demons of others we only carry the pain with them and after them.A person can only heal themselves and usually only by seeking professional help.My heart to you
Billie

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