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BlueRabbit

How do I stop myself from bottling it up?

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BlueRabbit

I lost my mother to a sudden heart attack 2 1/2 months ago. She was only 55 and I’m only 22 so I was in  no way prepared for it ( but I mean, are you ever REALLY ready to lose someone?). We were extremely close and she meant the world to me. For a while I was waiting for it to feel real and I’m starting to think it never will. I’ve been continuing on like I’m fine and I know I’m not fine because I honestly haven’t grieved yet. But I also kinda feel fine because I stop myself from thinking about it. Sure I’m sad but whenever I feel my mind thinking of her my brain quickly changes the subject and I think I’m just bottling it up until I’m “ready” but more likely I think I’ll bottle it up until the bottle breaks. 

When I realized my dad wasn’t doing as well as I had thought ( he spent a night in the hospital last week with heart issues exacerbated by stress). Ever since I realized how hard of a time he’s having I’ve realized I should probably start dealing with it all instead of just bottling it up.  But I don’t know how to deal with it because I can’t stand to even think about it. I feel like I’m not even controlling it. I want to deal with it. I really do. I don’t think it’s healthy to not. I don’t want to have a break down or something from the stress of not dealing with it. There’s just this mental block that’s not letting me think about it let alone talk about it.

The last few days I’ve felt a hole in my heart even when I’m not really thinking about it. I just don’t know what to do because I don’t think I’m ready to deal with it but I’m worried that if I don’t it will all just come crashing down. And that’s the last thing I want.  I just graduated in December and I just accepted a teaching position for next school year. I just bought a house ( my mom was so happy and she helped me paint it) basically everything in my life was already changing and now that she’s gone it’s even worse. I have other people I’m close with but she’s the only person in the world I’d want to talk about it with and I can’t. 

I’ve been trying to get healthy so that I don’t ever have it happen to me. I’ve been cooking healthy for me and my dad ever since his scare. I started doing yoga. I do other exercises too. I’m thinking about taking a kickboxing class. I wonder if that would help relieve stress.  I just don’t know if I’m ignoring the issue or if I’m actually treating it by staying busy and keeping my mind off it. I’m really worried about this summer. Most of our common interests are summer activities biking, gardening, boating, just enjoying nature. I’m honestly worried about what my mental state will be this summer. I’ve wondered if the summer is when it will start “feeling real”. 

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ModKatB

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother in 2011 and I still miss her as much now as I did then but it has gotten easier over time. Now I am dealing with the death of my husband (2/9/18) but I am doing better each day.  Each of us handles grief in different ways and it takes time to figure out what works. For me I started writing again, I have a journal and I write poems about how I am feeling and it helps me to stay calm. I also talk to my mom sometimes just like I would have done if she was still here. I know that may sound a bit strange but it works for me. Don't worry because you feel like you should be doing something and can't. To be perfectly honest, grief doesn't have to happen in any certain order and there really is no timetable either.

I think you will find there are lots of people here who understand some of the things you are feeling right now and you can come here when you need someone to listen.

 

 

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BlueRabbit

Thank you. That does make me feel a little better.  I’m sorry to hear about your losses. If you need someone to listen I’m here for you too. 

  • Hugs 1

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ModKatB
On ‎3‎/‎12‎/‎2019 at 11:01 PM, BlueRabbit said:

Thank you. That does make me feel a little better.  I’m sorry to hear about your losses. If you need someone to listen I’m here for you too. 

I wanted to share something I wrote several months ago for a friend who was having a hard time.

 

Remember my child as you look in the mirror each day.

I am right there looking back at you, because I am

a part of you and the person you have become.

While the physical me is not there for you to see,

my spirit is there and I watch over you each and

every day.

Try and remember all of the good times even though

you miss me.

Take your time with this life and when the time comes

I will be waiting at the gates to welcome you home. KB

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