It's a lie: time doesn't heal much of anything

[Vivace50494]

D ear Friends:  it's been a little while since I texted.  I moved to a smaller, cheaper apartment across town thinking it would be a little easier without all the memories of my beloved Patrick but all I got were more troubles with an endless reminder everywhere I looked that he was gone.  There really hasn't been much other changes.  I'm still very much alone, no job, no support, watching what little money is left slip away.  I am trying.  I'm attending a grief support group - have only gone twice so far,  I've updated my resume (such as it is) and have applied a few times.  It seems no one is looking for a 60 year old, fat, widower with health issues.  The biggest change is also the most painful.  I mentioned I had very little family supp poo rt.  Actually the two women who were kind of a part of my life were two nieces of Patrick and who I had limited involvement with when he was alive.  Anyway, we would text occasionally after he died but both seemed critical of how I reacted to what they called support.  They became increasingly critical of me and thought I was too slow in my recovery and that Patrick would not want me to be so unhappy.  Words were exchanged and now they've cut off all communication,any chance at a pretend part of Patrick's family, and now I hear from absolutely no one.  No one checks on me, no socialization, etc.  They have both been so cruel.  I don't know who to turn to.  Should I apologize and lie and try to make up for the hopes of having a "family"?  Part of me is so angry.  I'd love to be resentful and hurt them. It's been a month and they seem fine with cutting me off.  I, on the other hand, am going crazy.  Why should I be nice?  What's going to happen to me?  Why did my beloved have to die?  

[LeftAlone_Girl]

Hello Vivace, I came on tonight looking for someone who knows how I am feeling or at the very least can understand it. It helps me sometimes when I feel all alone. I have never posted or replied to anyone, but it helps me to read what others are going through and then I don't feel so crazy. The first thing I wanted to say to you was that I am so sorry, but I'm sure you have heard that a million times over and I know that those words don't really make you feel any better. The truth is that words don't make it go away nor does time.You will always hurt over loosing the love of your life. Time does however change things. It keeps putting distance between you and your loss. And it keeps marching on. The reason I wanted to reply this time was because some of the things that you said struck a chord with me. I too lost the love of my life Jan 2, 2018, I am 53 yrs old and I have been struggling to get a job, as I watch the last little bit of money slip away. I too, was attacked with criticism from my in-law's. And I am still struggling, it feels like life has gone on without me and I am still stuck here in my grief. I don't like this life without him. But Time has changed some things, I'm not angry anymore, I'm not wishing that I wasn't here. I am trying to start over, I don't like it, but I am actually trying. I don't know why they had to die, but I do know that my husband would want me to find a way to be happy again. Not sure that I can, be happy again, but it won't be for a lack of trying. Thank you for posting, it made me realize that I am not alone on this journey. I hope in time you too will find your way. 

[Moment2moment]

I no longer feel alone on my journey because I reached out to others instead of waiting for them to reach out to me.

I come here daily and try to support others when I can and I take support from others here. I see my grief counselor "as needed" now, when before I was going weekly. I don't do groups.

I call up my few old friends and 2 cousins out of state just to chat and talk about our lives. Daily to a few and weekly to others. I talk almost daily to my partner's sister and we have gotten closer.

I have reached out to neighbors and made 2 new friends. I rescued an old dog who needed some love and care and got more than I gave.

I learned that people DO care and that they too have their own share of problems. I have been able to pull out of my shell of grief and help others. In that I have helped my own healing process. 

I am 64, fat, and in need of a make over of some kind but I decided to ignore my feelings of inferiority and I did up my resume and put it on indeed.com because I wasn't going to sit around in poverty and feel like a loser anymore.

I got 2 responses, went to some interviews in my old clothes and out of style eye glasses, and decided to let my personality and positive attitude shine through and blot out my out of style wardrobe and guess what? I got a great part time job within 2 weeks! I love it!

That was a month ago and my whole life has changed. I have a purpose,  love where I work, and have had many kind people come into my life. 

I liken this grief thing to "recovery". It is something that has to be worked at. We have to get goals and work at them to get through the steps to wholeness.

I was never a quitter. That was my partner. Life tossed challenges at her and she rolled up like a roll up bug.

Eventually her negativity and lack of effort took her life. She refused to take care of herself and refused to try to make her life better. It was beyond hard to watch and no amount if love and effort on my part could save her from herself.

When I finally did survive her death I was determined not to die from it because I had put my life on hold for so long as her caregiver. I have been fighting for a life for almost 13 years.

I have very dark days and moments, as anyone who has read my posts here knows. But we can't give up. We have to move toward a life for ourselves and not let our grief drag us down to the point that we are trapped in its sadness and feel we have no hope.

This is my second post like this one as I feel we need to encourage each other as well as console each other. It is vital to survive what we have been through.

60 is NOT old. Not by a longshot. People are going back to school, starting their own businesses, traveling, dating, living, enjoying full lives.

That is what I am going to do because I don't know how much time I have left and I don't want to waste any of it. At 64 I am back working in my profession and meeting new people and finding me some joy and purpose again. You can do it too.

Time does ease the pain, but it takes years and years, not months. It will never go completely away. Never.

I carry on knowing that we will be together again. Only a heartbeat, a breath away from reunion.

Meanwhile the life i have left here is a gift that I do not intend to waste. 

 

[Sunflower2]

even in darkness and despair there is light and hope. 

[LostGirl39]

Hello Vivace. I’m a newbie on here, just joined yesterday. I’m so sorry for your loss & completely understand what you’re going through. I lost my boyfriend of 17 years on January 17 of this year. It was totally unexpected & turned my life upside down. In the past month I’ve had to move out of the home that we shared because I can’t afford to live there by myself. I had to move in with my brother & sister-in-law which was the last thing that I wanted to do. I’m currently jobless & homeless. I’m gonna have to start over from scratch & it terrifies me. It’s not easy trying to rebuild your life when your clinically depressed & grieving the love of your life. 

I’m struggling so bad right now. I can relate to having no one to confide in. I love my brother & sister-in-law but they just don’t understand. And relatives as well as his friends have stopped checking on me & gone on with their lives. I understand this but I just feel like no one truly cares. My boyfriend wasn’t close to his family so I never really got close to them because of that. They pretty much acted as though I was nonexistent when decisions had to be made about his medical care & the funeral arrangements. This hurt like hell but pissed me off more than anything. I was with this man for 17 almost 18 years of my life. I was the one there for everything, good & bad. Not them. But, it is what it is. So, I understand about dealing with the in-laws. Personally, I wouldn’t apologize or have anymore contact with them. I haven’t talked to my boyfriend’s family since the funeral & don’t have a desire to. There’s no reason now that he’s gone. I’ve accepted for the most part that it’s just me against the world now that he’s gone. It’s not fair but it’s my reality now. 

I’m feeling lost & most days feel like I died right along with him. There’s nothing that anyone can say or do to take away the pain. Just know that you aren’t alone. I’m glad that I found this forum because it has helped me a little already. Just being able to vent is relief. I’m trying to take it one day at a time. That’s all I can do. I’m here if you need to vent or talk. Take care!

 

[ModKatB]

14 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

 

I liken this grief thing to "recovery". It is something that has to be worked at. We have to get goals and work at them to get through the steps to wholeness.

Time does ease the pain, but it takes years and years, not months. It will never go completely away. Never.

You are right, you will never forget and you will always miss them but it does get easier somewhere down the road. It gets easier to be able to remember them without the thoughts bringing tears. It seems like it won't ever happen but there is HOPE for something good to happen one day.

[KayC]

@Vivace50494  It's great to hear from you!  I've been gone myself for the last 8-9 days, having a crisis here (see Craziness in the Pacific Northwest).  I love your humor 

19 hours ago, Vivace50494 said:

It seems no one is looking for a 60 year old, fat, widower with health issues.

I found that out when I was job searching myself during the recession!  I couldn't get soc sec through him, weren't married long enough and he wasn't on disability when he died, he WOULD have been had he lived longer!  Ahh well, it will work out, my story is nothing but one of miracles, personally I think they happen for all of us if we see them.  Gosh sometimes we have to look deep though, huh!  Good to hear from you, Hon!

[Jeff In Denver]

I am sorry to hear about what you're dealing with.  It's sad to say that you are not alone with experiencing disappointing people's reactions.  People who haven't lost the person they can't live without are the only ones who believe that time heals grief.  It doesn't.  

If you had a leg amputated I am sure it would be traumatic emotionally.  Over time you would adapt.  You would always think about it, I'm sure, but you would find a way to get around.  Time wouldn't have healed anything.  You would just be doing the best you can with what you have now.  

I don't think grief is much different in that regard.  And you can't expect much from people.

[foreverhis]

On 3/4/2019 at 9:23 PM, LeftAlone_Girl said:

And I am still struggling, it feels like life has gone on without me and I am still stuck here in my grief. I don't like this life without him.

That's exactly what it feels like for me.  It's funny that I've somehow temporarily distanced myself from from some of the people I've known for decades, people I love very much.  It hasn't been intentional, at least not consciously.  I wonder if it's because I know their histories, including their histories with my husband and me.  Our lives with them were interwoven like a tapestry.  Now that tapestry has come undone and watching them go forward without my husband's thread is very painful. 

Yet, I'm spending more time, not a lot but some, with neighbors, new friends we had only very casual relationships with.  They are sympathetic, but there's no deep history, no decades of shared memories and adventures.  Yes, they knew my love and me as a couple, but not in detail or depth.  And it's easy for me to keep these new relationships simple, at least for now.

I don't like my life now either.  There are moments and short times that are bearable, even okay, but every minute of the time my heart and mind are thinking, "I wish my love was here."  I would have been fine with just the two of us spending the rest of our lives at home doing nothing more than being together knowing we had more than 3 decades of adventures and challenges large and small to remember.  I miss him so much it's actually hard to breathe sometimes.

[foreverhis]

On 3/4/2019 at 7:30 PM, Vivace50494 said:

They became increasingly critical of me and thought I was too slow in my recovery and that Patrick would not want me to be so unhappy. ...

Should I apologize and lie and try to make up for the hopes of having a "family"? 

No, in my opinion, you should not apologize because you did nothing wrong, nothing at all!

Oh that makes me want to slap them--and I'm not a violent person.  Who the heck are they to decide for you or tell you how to grieve and how to react to your devastating, unbearably painful loss?  I suppose it is kind of "Well, duh" that Patrick would not want you to be unhappy, but he'd also know that there would be no way around it.  He'd know what his loss would do to you because it would have been the same for him if the situation were reversed.  Is it simply too much bother or too uncomfortable for them?  Too freaking bad.  They're not the ones who have lost a soulmate.

The ignorance and callousness of some people astonishes me sometimes.  And I don't even think they "mean well" when they advise you not to be so unhappy.  They just don't want to have to deal with how this has affected you. 

I'm sorry that they have added even more pain to your life.

[foreverhis]

(I would appreciate it if no one scolds me for posting a negative quote.)

When I was first searching around trying to find help coping, I found several articles that touched me deeply, so I bookmarked them.

Here's a small part of one that described this feeling well for me:

"With spousal bereavement, things don't get better, just different. Everything feels wrong. A rift exists between us, as I go on and he doesn't. Time comes between us. When sutures refuse to hold, the wound opens unpredictably. So it is for the widow or widower: The world assumes that time has done its proverbial work and "healed" us. No. We bleed still, our amputation aches. The wound never heals because our partner is gone, forever. Time heals nothing."    (From "Learning to be a Widow" by Joy Tyndall)

For me, this has proven true. 

[Moment2moment]

2 hours ago, foreverhis said:

(I would appreciate it if no one scolds me for posting a negative quote.)

When I was first searching around trying to find help coping, I found several articles that touched me deeply, so I bookmarked them.

Here's a small part of one that described this feeling well for me:

"With spousal bereavement, things don't get better, just different. Everything feels wrong. A rift exists between us, as I go on and he doesn't. Time comes between us. When sutures refuse to hold, the wound opens unpredictably. So it is for the widow or widower: The world assumes that time has done its proverbial work and "healed" us. No. We bleed still, our amputation aches. The wound never heals because our partner is gone, forever. Time heals nothing."    (From "Learning to be a Widow" by Joy Tyndall)

For me, this has proven true. 

Pretty much spot on in my experience. 

Half of my heart and half of my soul have been ripped out of my body. My world is a gaping, lonely wound of loneliness that finds no relief in anything or anyone.

They died and half of us died with them.

[Billie Rae]

(I would appreciate it if no one scolds me for posting a negative quote.)
When I was first searching around trying to find help coping, I found several articles that touched me deeply, so I bookmarked them.
Here's a small part of one that described this feeling well for me:
"With spousal bereavement, things don't get better, just different. Everything feels wrong. A rift exists between us, as I go on and he doesn't. Time comes between us. When sutures refuse to hold, the wound opens unpredictably. So it is for the widow or widower: The world assumes that time has done its proverbial work and "healed" us. No. We bleed still, our amputation aches. The wound never heals because our partner is gone, forever. Time heals nothing."    (From "Learning to be a Widow" by Joy Tyndall)
For me, this has proven true. 

Exactly,I may learn to live again and maybe in time love again(fat chance)but my Charlie wound will always be with me and each time I think of his last three months my heart will rip and my tears will fall.I will never know what would our story have been.Even if I find joy there will always be this sadness underneath it.My life will forever have this deep pain and sadness at the edges.And to Kayc,you gave the words you don't like to hear,mine is"closure"I absolutely hate people telling me I need to find closure,I'm not closing anything dammit!

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[KayC]

15 hours ago, foreverhis said:

With spousal bereavement, things don't get better, just different.

I guess "better" is a relative term.  When I think it's not "better", I remember back to when he died, THAT was off the meter!  At least I've adjusted some and learned some coping skills.  But if you think of "better" as in "all well", no that doesn't seem to happen, at least for me it hasn't...it's something I've had to learn to live with.

When George held me, all was right with the world.  I haven't had that feeling since.  BUT I've had some good moments.

My son told me my nearly 4 year old granddaughter saw a picture of me shoveling snow and I had a grimace on my face because it was hard work.  She said, "Grandma shouldn't be doing that!  That's too hard for Grandma!"  That made me smile.  These are the moments I live for now, the small fleeting moments...

[KayC]

13 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

Even if I find joy there will always be this sadness underneath it.

That pretty much describes what I've said for years...I've learned to coexist with my grief.

[Jeff In Denver]

"They became increasingly critical of me and thought I was too slow in my recovery and that Patrick would not want me to be so unhappy."

Both of those things are so common and so hard to hear.  As though we're supposed to grieve on someone else's timetable.  And the ol' "he/she wouldn't want you to be so unhappy" line is another one of those well-meaning-but-hurtful comments.  I have never understood why people say that.  Of course whoever has crossed over wouldn't want us to be unhappy, but it's not up to them.  Feeling devastated is a natural and logical reaction to such a catastrophic loss and we have to deal with it.  Knowing that someone else, in spirit or in the flesh, wouldn't want us to feel that way is understandable, but it doesn't reduce the pain of our reality.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

Of course whoever has crossed over wouldn't want us to be unhappy, but it's not up to them.

My George would be the last person in the world to want me to be unhappy, but he would also be the first person in the world to understand it.  He would have gone through much the same had I died and he lived!  He understood, he always understood me.

[Jeff In Denver]

2 minutes ago, KayC said:

My George would be the last person in the world to want me to be unhappy, but he would also be the first person in the world to understand it.  He would have gone through much the same had I died and he lived!  He understood, he always understood me.

No question that he would be dealing with the same thing.  In my way of thinking, you are "carrying" the pain for him.  (I didn't make that up, I read that somewhere else and it stayed with me).   Maybe I am putting myself in a higher position than I deserve, but I think my Mila would have been dealing with the same thing.   I would rather be the one who has to absorb this and deal with the ongoing sadness.

[Jeff In Denver]

On 3/6/2019 at 7:30 PM, Billie Rae said:

"Even if I find joy there will always be this sadness underneath it.My life will forever have this deep pain and sadness at the edges.And to Kayc,you gave the words you don't like to hear,mine is"closure"I absolutely hate people telling me I need to find closure,I'm not closing anything dammit!"

Well said for both.  
 

 

[foreverhis]

On 3/7/2019 at 7:31 AM, KayC said:

At least I've adjusted some and learned some coping skills. 

Kay, I can't tell you how much I (and I think others) appreciate you sharing your journey.  This is exactly what I'm trying to do now and why I came here in the first place.  I needed to learn coping skills from people who've walked similar paths.  I'm pretty sure it's the best I can expect, to be able to get through each day without allowing the pain and despair to drown me.

I was so desperate, so lost.  Even the people who love me and my husband deeply knew they couldn't help with that except to be there any time for any reason, though that helped too.  For example, about 7 weeks after, I had a horrible week.  It wasn't that anything specific happened, I was just losing it.  That Wednesday, I mentioned in a phone call to my sister-by-choice that I was having a hard time.  About 1-1/2 hours later, she sent an email saying, "We've canceled our weekend plans and will be to you in 36 hours. Is that okay?"  The relief I felt knowing how much they love me and my husband, that they'd still drop everything for me, as we have all done for each other for 30 years, helped me get through those 36 hours until they walked in the door Friday morning and simply opened their arms for me to collapse into.

But they can't be here all the time.  I wouldn't want that anyway.  I need to learn to cope on my own.  The benefit of your support, simply by relating your own experiences with the benefit of time, has been invaluable to me.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

No question that he would be dealing with the same thing.  In my way of thinking, you are "carrying" the pain for him.  (I didn't make that up, I read that somewhere else and it stayed with me).   Maybe I am putting myself in a higher position than I deserve, but I think my Mila would have been dealing with the same thing.   I would rather be the one who has to absorb this and deal with the ongoing sadness.

Oh so true!  That has been my one consolation, that I am going through this instead of him.  None of us would wish it on them!

[KayC]

49 minutes ago, foreverhis said:

I mentioned in a phone call to my sister-by-choice that I was having a hard time.  About 1-1/2 hours later, she sent an email saying, "We've canceled our weekend plans and will be to you in 36 hours. Is that okay?"  The relief I felt knowing how much they love me and my husband, that they'd still drop everything for me, as we have all done for each other for 30 years, helped me get through those 36 hours until they walked in the door Friday morning and simply opened their arms for me to collapse into.

I think that's much how I felt when my son showed up 3 1/2 days into this horrible storm!  Knowing you're not alone, that someone cares, it means so much!

Some of us only have each other to understand, that's why this place is so invaluable and I am so grateful to the owners of this website and the moderators that make it happen, as well as to all of the members that take the time to post.