Feeling Lost & Hopeless

[LostGirl39]

I just recently lost my boyfriend unexpectedly on January 17. He suffered a massive stroke while we were at home watching TV. We’d been together for 17 years. I’m having a hard time coping with his death. I already suffer from depression & losing him so suddenly has pushed me deeper into depression. He was my rock & my best friend. I just feel so lost without him. 

I’m no stranger to death & grief. I’ve lost both of my parents, tons of relatives, & suffered 2 miscarriages during our relationship. I barely made it through those losses. But, this pain of losing him feels unbearable. I’m not suicidal but I would be lying if I said that I haven’t thought about it these past few weeks. I’m just tired & I don’t know how to go on without him. My whole life has been turned upside down. It hurts to look at his pictures or to even think about our last day together. I feel so alone & don’t really have anyone to talk to. Everybody went back to their everyday lives & I’m here struggling to just get through each day. I miss him so much!

I googled online grief support groups & came across this one. I’ve never done this before but I know that I need to talk to someone. I tend to bottle up my grief & that doesn’t go so well. So here I am. Thanks for letting me vent!

[Billie Rae]

@LostGirl39 I'm so sorry you find yourself here with us.I know your pain my husband passed on January 16 of pancreatic cancer and it hit me hard as with you I have no support my family is far away and our friends have their lives but you will see that is common here.Go ahead and feel your pain and express it,me I write a journal of letters to my Charlie,I express my sadness my anger my confusion,every thing.My best help has come from the love and understanding of all here,the loss,the grief and yes the hope.Always remember this is your journey,don't let anyone put any expectations on you.I'm terribly sorry for your loss.stay here it is a healing place
Hugs Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[beaniele]

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost Roger in Nov. My life ended that day. He was my life and my support for 38 years.

I have no words of wisdom but I know this forum has helped me.

We all know how you are feeling and please come back and read so many words to help.

My life ended that traumatic night but I have to go on somehow. We all have to find our way.

Linda

[JES]

@LostGirl39  I lost my husband of 25 yrs. on Sept 23, 2018.  I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can say, its a long painful journey but at 5 1/2 months the pain for me has lessoned and I have little glimmers of hope for the future.  Please come here and vent or ask questions and someone will always get back to you. There are alot of wonderful people here who are at different stages in their losses also and can understand your pain and relate to everything you are feeling.  And their words and advice may help lift you up abit as it did me. Just know,  we do care. Thinking of you. Jeanne

[JES]

@Billie Rae Are you feeling any better today? I hope your work day wasnt too bad. It just makes our grief worse when we are sick on top of it.  Hugs and get well soon. Jeanne

[Billie Rae]

@jes still feel yucky but faked my way through the day!thank you for asking[emoji8]

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[JES]

@Billie Rae  Bummer that your still sick. Rest and take good care of yourself, you deserve it. Hugs 

[foreverhis]

I'm so very sorry you find yourself among us, but please believe that being here can help.  I was absolutely lost, hopeless, almost desperate after 5 months when I decided to reach out.  I don't have any family close by and only a few friends, though I am finding my neighbors supporting me more and more.  I've made teeny baby steps forward, though often it is 2 steps forward, 1 step back.  But there are little glimmers of light from time to time that I didn't have before.

I came here looking for help with coping, not validation.  That I found validation, commonality, of all the things I'd been thinking, feeling, and doing turned out to be amazingly helpful.  Here you can question, rant, cry, and vent.  No one will tell you what you should or shouldn't feel or think or do.  I cannot say that I know how you feel, but I know how I feel and that helps me understand how unbearable your life seems.  I'd be lying if I said the thought of just ending it never crossed my mind.  But those are fleeting moments as I know our daughter deserves to have her mom with her a while longer and our granddaughter deserves to finish growing up with the knowledge that her "best grandpa ever" adored her beyond measure and would never have left us on purpose.

Each of us has a unique loss and story, but we're all here for the same reason.  We have lost the loves of our lives, our soulmates and best friends.  Some losses were sudden and unexpected, like yours, and others were the result of illnesses, often painful and long, like mine.  I have found it true that only people who have experienced this kind of loss can understand what it is like.

You must let yourself grieve at your own pace and in your own way.  Grief simply cannot be put into neat little packages and it is not a straight line.  I know that I will grieve and miss my love every minute of every day for the rest of my life.  The thing I'm trying to learn is how to live with that grief without letting it drag me down into permanent darkness.

My heart goes out to you.  Come here as often as you need for any reason at all.  There is no need for you to put on society's expected "brave face" here.  This is a safe and sometimes healing place with caring members who truly do understand.

[KayC]

20 hours ago, LostGirl39 said:

I just recently lost my boyfriend unexpectedly on January 17. He suffered a massive stroke while we were at home watching TV. We’d been together for 17 years. I’m having a hard time coping with his death. I already suffer from depression & losing him so suddenly has pushed me deeper into depression. He was my rock & my best friend. I just feel so lost without him. 

I’m no stranger to death & grief. I’ve lost both of my parents, tons of relatives, & suffered 2 miscarriages during our relationship. I barely made it through those losses. But, this pain of losing him feels unbearable. I’m not suicidal but I would be lying if I said that I haven’t thought about it these past few weeks. I’m just tired & I don’t know how to go on without him. My whole life has been turned upside down. It hurts to look at his pictures or to even think about our last day together. I feel so alone & don’t really have anyone to talk to. Everybody went back to their everyday lives & I’m here struggling to just get through each day. I miss him so much!

I googled online grief support groups & came across this one. I’ve never done this before but I know that I need to talk to someone. I tend to bottle up my grief & that doesn’t go so well. So here I am. Thanks for letting me vent!

I'm glad you found us!  I am so sorry for your loss...it helps to have someone who "gets it" to talk to, we're all here for each other.

I wrote and article of what I'd learned in my first ten years after losing my husband, I hope something in it is of help to you.  Keep coming back!

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Moment2moment]

3 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I'm so very sorry you find yourself among us, but please believe that being here can help.  I was absolutely lost, hopeless, almost desperate after 5 months when I decided to reach out.  I don't have any family close by and only a few friends, though I am finding my neighbors supporting me more and more.  I've made teeny baby steps forward, though often it is 2 steps forward, 1 step back.  But there are little glimmers of light from time to time that I didn't have before.

I came here looking for help with coping, not validation.  That I found validation, commonality, of all the things I'd been thinking, feeling, and doing turned out to be amazingly helpful.  Here you can question, rant, cry, and vent.  No one will tell you what you should or shouldn't feel or think or do.  I cannot say that I know how you feel, but I know how I feel and that helps me understand how unbearable your life feels.  I'd be lying if I said the thought of just ending it never crossed my mind.  But those are fleeting moments as I know our daughter deserves to have her mom with her a while longer and our granddaughter deserves to finish growing up with the knowledge that her "best grandpa ever" adored her beyond measure and would never have left us on purpose.

Each of us has a unique loss and story, but we're all here for the same reason.  We have lost the loves of our lives, our soulmates and best friends.  Some losses were sudden and unexpected, like yours, and others were the result of illnesses, often painful and long, like mine.  I have found it true that only people who have experienced this kind of loss can understand what it is like.

You must let yourself grieve at your own pace and in your own way.  Grief simply cannot be put into neat little packages and it is not a straight line.  I know that I will grieve and miss my love every minute of every day for the rest of my life.  The thing I'm trying to learn is how to live with that grief without letting it drag me down into permanent darkness.

My heart goes out to you.  Come here as often as you need for any reason at all.  There is no need for you to put on society's expected "brave face" here.  This is a safe and sometimes healing place with caring members who truly do understand.

I don't know how to highlight lines, but your line:

 "The thing I am trying to learn is how to live with that grief without letting it drag me down into permanent darkness."

That says it all for me too.

I believe that will be my challenge until my own end comes.

What a beautiful post. Thank you!

[foreverhis]

@Moment2moment  You probably already know this, but I accidentally discovered that you can highlight just the part of a post you want to quote.  Once you do, a little box comes up under it that says "Quote selection."  If you click that, it will drop the highlighted part into a new or already started reply. (See my second post below.)  If you want to use multiple quotes in the same reply, just keep your reply box open, go select what you want to add (from the same post or another), do the same thing, and it will drop the next selection into the reply you are writing.  I often discover stuff accidentally and then hope I've done it correctly.  My husband did software development and taught me many important things.  One was that even if you mess up something you're trying to figure out, you can almost always go back and correct it.  That and "back up your work, back up again, and then be sure you back up" were his two biggest lessons for me. 

[foreverhis]

On 3/5/2019 at 3:54 PM, Moment2moment said:

I believe that will be my challenge until my own end comes.

What a beautiful post. Thank you! 

After reading what so many members feel, I think it's a challenge that hits us all to varying degrees.  It's one reason I hate--absolutely hate--when people who haven't been through this parrot the party line, so to speak.  "New normal" and "move forward/on" and "he/she wants you to be happy" and "you know about the stages of grief" and more just make me crazy.  I want to scream, "You have no idea!  Grief isn't some finite bunch of tidy packages.  Come see me when you've had this kind of loss.  Then maybe you'll have a right to talk to me about my grief."

I also thank you for your kindness.

[Billie Rae]

[mention=412160]Moment2moment[/mention]  You probably already know this, but I accidentally discovered that you can highlight just the part of a post you want to quote.  Once you do, a little box comes up under it that says "Quote selection."  If you click that, it will drop the highlighted part into a new or already started reply. (See my second post below.)  If you want to use multiple quotes in the same reply, just keep your reply box open, go select what you want to add (from the same post or another), do the same thing, and it will drop the next selection into the reply you are writing.  I often discover stuff accidentally and then hope I've done it correctly.  My husband did software development and taught me many important things.  One was that even if you mess up something you're trying to figure out, you can almost always go back and correct it.  That and "back up your work, back up again, and then be sure you back up" were his two biggest lessons for me. 

Been trying to do the quote highlights finally realized it won't work on my phone.Thanks for the lesson,I'm self tought computer literate but now that I read what you said to do I will know on my tablet.I love you guys[emoji8]

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[foreverhis]

@Billie Rae  That's good information about the Quote Selection option not working on the phone app.  I've only been on my laptop, so I didn't think about whether it would work on phone or tablet apps.

[KayC]

Billie Rae, 

You are far ahead of me!  I make phone calls and texts on my phone, nothing else.  I used to have an i-Phone and loved it but this old Samsung I have, I could toss it!  I don't have cellphone coverage at my house or I'd probably be more literate with it, I find I learn by doing.

[foreverhis]

@KayC  "Learn by doing" is actually the motto of a local university.  So very true.  That's often how I figure out stuff--by doing it wrong and (as my husband used to say) "thrashing about" until I get it right.  When he decided he needed to develop a software program because he wanted one for his work and none existed, he taught himself multiple programming languages.  He would thrash about and correct/expand as he figured it out. 

When my department would send me to learn some new technical publishing or graphics program, I'd pay attention for about an hour and then just start playing with it.  Generally, I'd get it faster and better than sitting there while an instructor walked a group through it one step at a time.  OTOH, I was always one of those students who hated being told to "show your work" in algebra and other math classes.

[JES]

I too, am self taught and computer illiterate.  I mostly use phone and text, or read news on computer...or look things up.  I can also order online if I need too.  I guess I have learned alittle by experimenting, but always afraid I will "crash" computer or Ipad, not as worried about doing it to phone.  Thinking of all.

[KayC]

My son, who had a computer business for several years as a teenager, assured me that there was nothing that could be broken on a computer that could not be fixed.  The same is true for a vehicle.  Sometimes it's not always cost-effective to fix something though.  I haven't experimented with my cellphone enough to figure everything out because when I have it on, I am traveling someplace and can't fiddle with it.  With my i-Phone it was different because I was commuting to work every day and lived out of my car/office, so to speak, so I USED it!  My daughter tells me the new ones are different and harder to figure out though.  I don't think I've crashed the computer since Windows98 and that was a crash-prone operating system!

[foreverhis]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Windows98 and that was a crash-prone operating system!

Boy, wasn't it?  My current computer is 6 years old (gasp!), but still working fine (knock on wood).  I'm on Windows 7 Home Premium and love it.  It is the most stable, user friendly operating system in a long time.  My hubby and I bought this computer and his previous one when we did because Windows 8 was about to come out and we'd heard horror stories from beta testing.  His new one is Windows 10, which he got used to but didn't like as much as Windows 7.  We planned our purchases to skip over Vista and Windows 8 entirely.  We heard so many horror stories of those that I lived with having to hook a peripheral monitor to my ancient Toshiba just so I could wait for the Windows 7 release.

[KayC]

 

@LostGirl39 How are you doing, are you still here?  Your grief is so fresh and raw, I hope you'll continue to come and read and post, it helps to know there's others going through it that get it.

 

[foreverhis]

On 3/8/2019 at 10:53 AM, JES said:

always afraid I will "crash" computer or Ipad

(Apologies, LostGirl39.  I realize we've gone far off topic.  I promise to get back to it after this post.)

Even if you do, you can almost always correct it simply by rebooting.  Even if not, today's computers often do a self-backup periodically.  You can tell it to go back to the most recent configuration before the crash.  If a program gets corrupted, you can simply reinstall it; if you lose a data file, you can often go find a previous version.  It takes a lot of effort to actually destroy the operating system or hardware.  Fear not!

Back in the dark ages, I had a number of clients in addition to my full time work.  Middle of the night, I made an error that crashed everything.  OH NO!  My husband was back east on business. I had to call him (pre cell phone days), get him out of bed, and have him walk me through how to get back as much of my work as possible.  Today, I wouldn't have needed to make that extremely embarrassing call.

[foreverhis]

On 3/4/2019 at 6:27 PM, LostGirl39 said:

Everybody went back to their everyday lives & I’m here struggling to just get through each day. I miss him so much!

@LostGirl39  This is one of the hardest things for many of us.  Immediately afterward, family and friends rally around to support us.  After a short time, they go back to their own lives and leave us grieving alone.  One of the members here, I'm sorry I can't remember who, has posted a helpful list of dos and don'ts for friends and family. 

Sometimes people don't know what to do or say, so they distance themselves from us instead of making an effort to figure it out.  I think sometimes we become a nasty reminder that "This could happen to you" or worse, they feel like what's happened to us is contagious.  Our society is horrible at handling death and grieving.  We have a tendency to sweep it aside as if by not acknowledging it, it doesn't exist.  Then by extension, we who grieve don't exist.  Because they're uncomfortable with it (and again, by extension, us), they want things to get "back to normal" as soon as possible.  We know the truth:  That there is no normal for us now.  We're just stumbling along trying make it through each day without losing our minds. 

Do you have someone who you're particularly close to who you can rely on?  Although we should not have to be the ones reaching out, if you have one person you can convey your needs to who can then tell others, it might help.  Let that one person know that right now you need others to reach out and support you.  I can't guarantee anything, of course, but it might help remind the people in your life that you have had half of your heart and soul ripped away.  Still, the plain truth is that no one can truly understand unless they've experienced what we have.

For me, it's 8 months today without my love.  I still miss him every bit as much as I did the first day.  I always will.  But I am slowly finding ways to help me make it through the days and hours.  I've found it's best not to look too far down the road as that makes me start to panic.  One of the things that helps me is talking to my husband.  Whether he can "hear" me or not is immaterial.  What matters is that it comforts me.  I urge you to try to find things that will comfort you.  It might be talking to him like I talk to my love.  It might be wearing one of his old comfy sweaters or shirts; I wear his old flannel shirts on cold mornings.  It might be putting out pictures that remind you of your life together.  It might be writing your thoughts and fears into a journal.  What helps you will be unique to you.

Please come back to talk, rant, vent, question, and anything else you need to do.  The members here will always be ready to listen.

[Moment2moment]

We are here for you, Lostgirl.

[HPB]

11 hours ago, foreverhis said:

One of the members here, I'm sorry I can't remember who, has posted a helpful list of dos and don'ts for friends and family. 

https://medium.com/@AudreyEwell/ten-practical-ways-to-help-your-friend-through-the-death-of-a-loved-one-6af609eefceb

https://whatsyourgrief.com/how-to-help-a-grieving-friend-beyond-the-basics/

[KayC]

Here's another article ...
http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm

[foreverhis]

@HPB and @KayC  Thank you.  I knew I could count on the members here to find helpful sources.