The First “Birthday” without her

[John/Wendy]

So, today was our Grandsons 8th Birthday party. The first of so many Birthdays to come without my Love. My wife has only been gone going on 4 months now. Trying to deal with all these emotions and putting on a “happy face” was excruciatingly taxing. How in the world do you go on in life, feeling like all the meaning and joy in it has been stolen from yours? Seeing all these couples and what I can only discribe as “normal people” walking around enjoying life, seems  so surreal to me now. I mean that was us just a year ago. Now I feel, or should I say, don’t feel like any of this is worth it. I’m so exhausted trying to convince myself and everyone around me, I’m ok. I’ll be fine. It will get better. Every song I hear reminds me of her. Every face I see in a store, my mind try’s to see  her. My mind just refuses to accept she’s gone. I swear I’m just slipping into insanity. She was my compass, my reason for living. Now I just feel empty, lost and without purpose. I made her so many promises concerning our kids, but is it fair to try and live out your life in this kind of prison? Am I going to be any good for any one of my kids being this “half a person”, “faking” a “ I’m ok “ life? I would never take my own life, but I just can’t see the light at the end of a black hole. There is no light. I can’t live my life through my kids and Grand kids. They have a future. Mine is gone. I can’t keep looking for a love that I can never have again on this earth. Talking to a ghost and dreams just aren’t enough. If every “Happy Birthday” or “ Life Event ” has me patting an empty chair next to me, or driving home in tears is all I have to look forward to, then why? I guess this is my life. I’ll keep trying to live up to my promises. I don’t have a choice. I guess none of do. It’s just so cruel and beyond anything I can conceive hell could compare with. Coming home to an empty house, screaming “ I just want to be where you are”, “please, let me go”. This is my life. I pray every night my Love looks away when I get like this. I pray my tears are not seen or felt by her. I want her to be happy. That was my goal in life. To make her happy. I feel like I let her down and am still letting her down. How can soul can be so utterly torn apart?God give me strength to go on. 

[JES]

@John/Wendy  I so get what you are feeling. I'm at almost 5 1/2 months and each time I think I'm doing alittle better, I slip backward and wonder how I can go on like this. I went out 2 days ago and every plow truck I saw,  I saw him in it or getting out of it..and then the feeling of despair.....and a song on car radio..Africa by Toto?? 1982. I didn't even know Kevin then but I cried hearing it.. I felt so old and so lonely and wondered how I could go on like this....but I always try to pull myself out of it and will myself to think positive thoughts. I know its hard to do. Nights are hard and weekends are worse for me. I think because everyone else you know is with their loved one, and your alone without yours.  I pray every night to get through tomorrow...and some days are alittle better..thats all we can do. Thinking of you and hoping your tomorrow is just a teeny bit better.  Hugs from someone who feels your pain.

[SSC]

For me lately it’s been the surrealness of other couples...that used to be me.  Now it’s not.  Just like you John/Wendy,   I pat the chair next to me, or stand off to the side because I don’t know where I belong, where I fit in.  I also look at my kids and grandkids and realize they’re the ones with a promising future.  Not me.  Not anymore.   I used to feel young and free as a couple.  Now I feel old.  Maybe it’s because I have a birthday coming up and my life feels over.  Who knows.  It’s all so depressing.  

[tlc]

Oh John, how I relate to everything you say. I do not have kids (only stepdaughter) and not much in the way of support but I feel exactly as you do. Why am I still here? What is the point? He was my reason for being, my best friend, my champion and my soul mate. I am nothing without him by my side. I do not kow how to continue living without his love and I don't want to. Why do I have to??

[HPB]

5 hours ago, John/Wendy said:

My mind just refuses to accept she’s gone. I swear I’m just slipping into insanity. She was my compass, my reason for living. 

 

6 hours ago, John/Wendy said:

I just can’t see the light at the end of a black hole. There is no light.

 

6 hours ago, John/Wendy said:

Coming home to an empty house, screaming “ I just want to be where you are”, “please, let me go”. This is my life. 

Everything so true, so sad. My mind refuses, too. After 10 1/2 months. 

The light is in the afterlife.

[tlc]

Yes, it is HPB. It so is!

[Moment2moment]

I have felt some of the things you feel. We all have. But I want to show you another side. 

You say you have nothing to live for, but yet at the same time you talk about your children and grandchildren and that you would never hurt them by taking your own life.

Do you not see the irony in this? You DO have something, everything to live for!

You are blessed with these children and grandchildren, given to you as a result of the love between you and your wife.

They are the gifts of your present and the part of the reason to look to a future filled with their love and meaning for your life.

Yes she is gone physically, but she is with you and all of them spiritually. That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt like hell and plunge you into the depth of despair some days. 

But you have to pull yourself out of it by the grace of God and go on for them and you and her.

They need Dad and Grandpa. Be there for them and draw energy from their life and love.

Focus on others and it helps pull you out of your grief mode.

Not permanently, but in little phases, little steps. One day at a time.

Otherwise we are prone to wallow in the darkness of grief and that does us no good in the long run.

I know of what I speak. I am 10 months out from a 28 year loss and I have no kids or grandkids. Just 3 dogs that were our children if you will. I lost 2 of them since my love passed.

Nobody is coming over to my house. No birthday parties or mom or grandma hugs. Nothing like that. It is just me.

So I had to reach out to others and get out of my wallowing in grief. It was that or die. Literally. 

What evolved was that I got back into my counseling profession that I had done for 30 years and that I had been forced to leave when I became a full time caregiver for 4 years. 

It wasn't easy as my license had lapsed and I had to come up with the money and take classes for credits. But it got done and working on all that focused me on something other than feeling sorry for myself all day long.

Within weeks after I was sending out my resume and within 2 weeks I landed a dream job! I have been working 4 weeks now in this private practice and I love it.

It has restored new purpose, new people, new passion in my life and I have found that my own .losses and bereavement have given me new gifts of presence and compassion that I can share with others.

I am not bragging or saying it is easy to grieve our losses and move on with our lives. Not at all.

We will always have horrendous dark days that no one understands and never will.

But we have to find our lives, now. Yours is right in front of your eyes. Open them.

Love on those kids, visit with them, do stuff with the, get to know them. They are the reason you get up and show up. They need you in ways you cannot imagine.

In time you will find other reasons and your life will transition over onto a new level. Little joys will creep back in.

When your time comes you will be with her again, but in the meantime you have so much richness of life to left to live.

Reach out and take those gifts of today. Don't let them pass you by.

She would want you to be happy, to enjoy being a dad and a grandpa.

To find a way to love some of what is left of your life.

Take heart, try to not be discouraged, love what is left of your time on this side.

You are still here with them for a reason. Seek out joy and the good in each day. She is with you and it will be ok.

I wish you peace and comfort and courage.

With loving thoughts,

Lily Bell

 

 

 

[JES]

@Moment2moment  Your post is very uplifting...its seems when we get extra dark days and feelings of hopelessness there is always that friend here, that picks us back up, and gives us reason and hope to go on.  Thankyou for being that person today.

[Sunflower2]

3 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

You DO have something, everything to live for!

Yes. These feelings are with us as we journey through the darkness of this excruciating loss.  In time a light does begin to show though the cracks.

17 months into this newness.  I still have many dark moments.

I share this so those beginning this journey understand that it continues but differently.

No timeframe.  No comparisons. Our journeys will be different. I don't  live in the rawness anymore because time has made it lighter but I still remember  the feeling. It WAS excruciating and the most challenging place to ever be. I do not know how I survived!!  Yet we do. 

I'm learning to carry this newness with me. Carrying him with me as he was with me in life.  Not there yet but I can and do feel a slight transitioning into this feel but only to find myself resisting the acceptance and transitioning. I feel like a child having a temper tantrum but I'm totally ok being in that space too.  When it is time.  When I'm ready it will happen. 

When I think back to the beginning I don't know how I even made it to this point to begin to experience some sparks of joy and love.  It IS different.  Very different. To experience it does bring hope of making it though the tunnel.  I work hard on making myself open to receive and balance it with my moments to withdraw.

We will  make it!!!!! 

 

 

[SSC]

So very encouraging, @Sunflower2 Thank you for yor post!  I’m feeling similar feelings.  

It is different...very different...but I’m just hoping it’s something I can live with...

[John/Wendy]

Thank you for all the encouraging words. Bad day/night. It’s so weird when I go through these horrible days that I find myself having dreams of my wife. Most times they are so comforting other times they just make me miss her more. Last night it helped sooo much. To hug your lost love in a dream is beyond healing. I pray we all experience dreams like that often. Learning to deal with change and a new way to love in spirit is apparently why I’m still here. My wife never needed to learn these lessons. Hence she has moved on. I just hate the whole Romeo and Juliet thoughts that I think plague all our minds that go through loosing our Loves. I just so badly want to be where she is. Even the love I have for my children and Grandchildren pail in comparison for the love I have with my wife. Hearing those further into this nightmare gives me hope and terror at the same time. How much of this can I stand. I hope for the best. I put my faith in the fact I can see her again. I put what little strength I have left in living and keeping my promises. Love and hugs to all.

 

 

 

[Billie Rae]

@sunflower2@moment2moment
As I sit here still sick the two of you lifted my soul.Your heartfelt words remind me that I'm still here even if it hurts.Each day someone in this thread gives me hope.Thanks to you I can just a little bit,go on

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[JES]

@John/Wendy  I know I had posted earlier on this topic but feel the need to post again. Of course you are still grieving deeply,  I didnt remember that it hasn't even been 4 months for you...I couldn't even manage to post here until 4 months, I hadnt even accepted he was really gone. I would get up and look by his chair and expect his things to have moved during the night.  I had told my sister, I had nothing to live for anymore, that my future held nothing and what was I going to do for the rest of my life? She said, you have your children, your grandchildren, maybe a new grandchild some day, but at the time it was just words to me, it meant nothing.  I wasn't suicidal ever just had no hope.  I had lost my best buddy, my soulmate and I was hurting.  The love we have for our children, grandchildren, etc. is such a different kind of love, which could be why it seems pale in comparison.  I have found more acceptance as time goes on, and alittle joy in other things, a smile from a stranger, doing something to make someone else smile, watching my son coach basketball or giving my granddaughter or grandson afew dollars and knowing I made them happy.  I try not to think too far into my future, and yes, I still have bad days but I have found the intense pain does lessen. I have to think its harder for most men to vent to friends,  us woman are pros at venting about everything.  So am very glad you can come here and express your feelings.  As far as dreams,  I wish I could have more good dreams about Kevin, I tend to mostly dream about everybody else and not always good dreams.  I will take a good dream about him anytime just to be with him for abit.  Thinking of you and all who find themselves on this long journey.  Jeanne

[JES]

@Billie Rae  I was looking for your posts today...was worried that you had gotten sicker. I hope today that you are feeling abit better. Thinking of you and prayers for a quick recovery.  Hugs.  Jeanne

[Billie Rae]

@jes,thank you my love.I'm still sick and trying to rest.Have to work tomorrow no matter what.You all give me a bit of something to look forward to.Like Kayc says,try to find one happy thing each day.My happy today was the young men that bought Charlie's tools came to see if they could do anything for me.Made my heart say Aww.

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[Billie Rae]

@John/Wendy at only 1.5 months in I understand this awful horrible tearing pain.We had no children together so I have no human reminder of him I hope in time you will know that your children and grandchildren all carry some of your wife in them so a part of her and you together is still there.one of the grief books I've read said"fake it until you make it"I have found that works for me at work I pretend it's like before and he's at work too so at least I make it through my work day without a total breakdown.My heart to you.
May we all find one minute peace
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[KayC]

On 3/3/2019 at 2:12 AM, HPB said:

Everything so true, so sad. My mind refuses, too. After 10 1/2 months.

It's a whole lot to wrap your head around.  I choose not to think of him as "dead"...I know, sometimes I have to put that on forms to be legal, but in my mind he is just in another place with the longest wait of our life, holding on by faith and sheer grit, until we can be together again.

[Heart&Soul]

@John/Wendy I can relate to everything you are saying.  Thinking about a life without my husband sends me into such a dark place.  

@Moment2moment  Your words uplifted me and gave me hope - thank you.

[foreverhis]

On 3/2/2019 at 8:02 PM, John/Wendy said:

I want her to be happy. That was my goal in life. To make her happy. I feel like I let her down and am still letting her down.

You are not alone in feeling this way.  I am so ashamed and angry that I couldn't save him.  I ask myself why I did or didn't do this or this or this and, if only I had, he'd be here with me.  I know that's not logical and almost certainly untrue, but I'm the one left here and he was taken away.  All I can do is go around and around with everything I (and the doctors) should have done, should have done better, or shouldn't have done. 

I know I didn't always succeed in making him happy.  After all, we're only human and are bound to make mistakes over 35 years.  But it was my goal, just as it was his to make me happy.  There's a quote from Good Will Hunting that kept bouncing around in my head over his last months and during these past 8 months.  One part of it is this:

I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. ... You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself.

 

That kind of sums it up in many ways for me.  I would have traded places with him in a heartbeat if it meant I could spare him the pain and fear.  I would have done anything, anything at all, to have him healthy and here with us.

[John/Wendy]

I’m so with you there. The “what if’s” will haunt me the rest of my life. Second guessing every decision I made in our lives that “ could” have caused her cancer. It’s a horrible burden to live with. Forgiving myself is something I’m always going to struggle with. 

[KayC]

20 hours ago, foreverhis said:

I ask myself why I did or didn't do this or this or this and, if only I had, he'd be here with me.

I think these are thoughts that have come to all of us, fair or not.

[Mildman]

John I am new here and have not posted before. It has been 3 months since my wife of 46 years died suddenly. You have described all of my feelings, heartaches and fears better then I could. Sometimes reading the posts here are depressing and make me feel worse . I am glad there were words of encouragement and hope posted to you from people like Lily. As I said some treads are so discouraging. Knowing that you and I and others have all the same feelings at least makes me realize I am not going crazy. I know my life will never be the same. I only hope I can be of some use and support for my son and 15 month old grandson and find some peace for myself.

[KayC]

@Mildman  Welcome here, I appreciate your posting.  I'm sorry some of the threads feel discouraging to you...there are people from all different timelines and circumstances, and we all handle it differently.  I'm glad you have a son and grandson, great incentive and encouragement!  My grandson turns two on Sunday and I'm praying the snow lets up so I can go to his birthday party (it's out of town).  I hope you will continue coming here and posting!

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, Mildman said:

Sometimes reading the posts here are depressing and make me feel worse .

That's very true.  But I've realized that even those posts are valuable to me because they let me know that I'm not alone in my feelings and experiences.  As painful as it is to read about another member's darkest times, I am comforted by the knowledge that I'm no longer alone in the dark.  They also give me strength to admit to and talk about my worst days.

For me, it's healthy and helpful to be able to read about a wide variety of experiences and day to day ups and downs.  Sometimes it can help me put my own thoughts in order or better perspective.

[John/Wendy]

5 hours ago, Mildman said:

John I am new here and have not posted before. It has been 3 months since my wife of 46 years died suddenly. You have described all of my feelings, heartaches and fears better then I could. Sometimes reading the posts here are depressing and make me feel worse . I am glad there were words of encouragement and hope posted to you from people like Lily. As I said some treads are so discouraging. Knowing that you and I and others have all the same feelings at least makes me realize I am not going crazy. I know my life will never be the same. I only hope I can be of some use and support for my son and 15 month old grandson and find some peace for myself.

Mildman, I’m glad you found this site. I’m very sorry for your loss. My wife and I only had 31 years here on earth. I’m glad you were blessed with 46. I sometimes read posts on this site and feel almost spoiled and unworthy of feeling the amount of grief I feel. So many young couples who were shattered so early into thier lives together. So many left behind with no family or children or grandchildren. You and I have the God given blessings of long lives full of memories and years to reflect on. I know right now it seems more like a curse, but I can feel my perspective changing as I move through this journey. We have kids and grandkids. They have to become a primary reason for living. Our loves are no longer our primary reason. All of the time and energies we gave our relationship with our wife’s now must change. Learning how to do that is apparently why we were left behind. I know you never planned on your wife going first, but here we are. They always mature faster than us. Even spiritually apparently. Learning to live without them here physically, learning to be ok on our own, learning to be better fathers and grandfathers, learning what our wives were able to learn in this world. That’s our new lives. I’m guessing mind you. I just feel like cashing it all in most days. I just can’t do that to my kids. I pray a lot . I talk with my wife a lot. I write to her. I kiss a face mask she left me from when they did radiation treatments on her brain. I dream about her. Sometimes it helps. Most days I just muddle through fighting back tears. Some days I scream and cry a lot. We are forever changed. And I hate change!! Sunday is my eldest daughters birthday. I used to look forward to Birthdays, now I cringe. Every day is a challenge unto itself. I just know I have to be there for my kids. She made me promise. It’s the only thing on earth I still can give her. I wish you well on your journey. I hope you find some peace.