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Grief Counseling- why do people think they know better


Fmf

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Really just looking to vent. I know that people are concerned but why do people feel the need to tell me- and ask if I’m in grief counseling , when I say no   Then I get well maybe you should you need to talk to someone. Guess it just amazes me. My teen daughters have started counseling ( my husband & dad  died within 24 hours of each other)  the other thing I was asked- by someone not remotely close to me  was if I was medicated to get through it all ( which I was not). I know I should ignore but it’s making me think there is something wrong with me being “so strong” as everyone keeps saying.  Thanks for listening 

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I'm so sorry for your losses.  To have that happen within 24 hours of each other is just excruciating.  

Everyone is always going to have an opinion especially the ones that aren't experiencing it the way you are.  Most people I have learned don't know what to say to someone who is grieving.  They think something is wrong with you if you crack a smile or laugh at any point like you're not in pain.  Others think if you show your emotion too much than you are too distraught to continue on your own and you need help.  Its a revolving cycle cause they themselves don't know how to approach it or you.  It is why I came to this forum in the first place cause I knew I could talk to people who are experiencing the same ups and downs and everything along with it as I was.  It has been a great help so I hope you stick around and use it to help you along.  Many have given me wonderful advice and have been much more comforting than anyone in my own personal life as most of those people (and I should stress most since there have been some exceptions) have been non existent.  

Also, the site has started a new chat service which you should see mentioned at the top of the page, it so far has been very pleasant to talk one on one in a group or one on one individually with others and share what we are all going through.  The more we can get involved with it the more success it can become and useful for all of us.   Don't hesitate to share whatever it is you are feeling at any moment as we are all here for one another.  

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Really just looking to vent. I know that people are concerned but why do people feel the need to tell me- and ask if I’m in grief counseling , when I say no   Then I get well maybe you should you need to talk to someone. Guess it just amazes me. My teen daughters have started counseling ( my husband & dad  died within 24 hours of each other)  the other thing I was asked- by someone not remotely close to me  was if I was medicated to get through it all ( which I was not). I know I should ignore but it’s making me think there is something wrong with me being “so strong” as everyone keeps saying.  Thanks for listening 
On the"so strong"I too stay strong,I only fall apart in private and I've had people ask if I'm"processing his death"duh um,I'm living it! I keep it together at work so I don't end up in the asylum.And even though this I HAVE to do things because I am still alive.And one more thing if I could say to all the strangers who keep hugging me,Stop It!it doesn't make you a part of my world.
Love to us all

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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Most people just don't know what to say and then when they try to be helpful it comes out in ways that really don't help. I write as a way to deal with things and I am including a couple of things I wrote that were about how we don't always show what we are feeling to the outside world. You do what you have to so that you can make it from one moment to the next. I think you will find many on here that understand and will be here to listen when you need it and as floyd11554 said, the chat room is also a good way to connect with others that are making this same journey.

 

People need to think before they judge someone by what they see on the outside. Many times they have a war going on inside and are just trying to make it day to day. KB

When you look at me, you don't see the person I see everyday in my mirror. You see the mask I use to hide the truth. KB

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7 hours ago, KatB said:

Many times they have a war going on inside and are just trying to make it day to day. KB

When you look at me, you don't see the person I see everyday in my mirror. You see the mask I use to hide the truth. KB

Wow so true!  I am thankful that I have an hour commute to and from work.  I cry each way thinking of all the plans my husband and I had and all the things my dad will miss seeing for his 5 granddaughters.  I am a teacher so when I am at work I need to be on and yes I feel like I'm an actor going through the motions.  I am actually quite comfortable talking about what happened.  How in 24 hours these two men basically made their journey together. but people are funny they are afraid to talk for fear of making you upset.  I think not talking is actually worse   My husband was cremated and I am deciding whether to bury his remains or not ( I have them currently at home in a box "sitting" at his seat at our dining room table.  My in-laws (they are both alive) have a plot he can go into,  I am going to go see where he would be buried today.  I think that will help me make my final decision.  

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12 hours ago, floyd11554 said:

Don't hesitate to share whatever it is you are feeling at any moment as we are all here for one another.  

That’s exactly why I joined. To be able to share with others that “get it”. I am generally a very private person, more an introvert. My husband was the extreme extrovert!  He knew everyone- or so it always seemed. 

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55 minutes ago, Fmf said:

That’s exactly why I joined. To be able to share with others that “get it”. I am generally a very private person, more an introvert. My husband was the extreme extrovert!  He knew everyone- or so it always seemed. 

Exactly why I joined as well.  Most around me didn't seem to understand what I was dealing with.  They all seemed to look at it like a bad breakup and that the sooner I got back on the horse the quicker I could move on with my life.  Now especially having passed the one year mark it is even more so true with how people interact.  The pain should all be gone is how its perceived by some especially family.  That is why this forum has been a terrific outlet to let out those emotions and thoughts to people I know who can relate and engage in meaningful conversation and not be judged.  

You had mentioned your peers wondering why you aren't in grief counseling which I also got as well.  This forum in a sense is a form of grief counseling for all of us but rather than sitting one on one with someone who is being paid to sympathize with you, we get to share with others who are all walking in the same shoes.  In a sense we are a large community of grief counselors for each other.   I couldn't agree more with you on not talking about things being much worse.  I just wish more people in the world were more accepting of just being able to listen sometimes.  

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@floyd11554 I 100% agree with you!  This forum is group therapy.  I go to a grief counselor and group therapy ( which is one other person besides me) I started therapy because for some reason I thought a counselor would have a magic answer for me a cure my pain.  Nope!  She is insightful, listens, and has given me words of wisdom concerning my husbands suicide.  Mostly my guilt and understanding my husbands frame of mind is what she has been most helpful with.  My insurance pays for 8 sessions a year.  I will use my “free” sessions then stop.  I’m in a different frame of mind then when I started therapy.  I can now see having long term support and having people to talk to that don’t want to “fix” me is what’s important.  You all “get” it.  So thank you for being my people! 

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Ssc,the people who try to "fix"me yep,if I hear one more person say"well,if you did blah blah blah"it would make you feel better,help you get over/through it until you have been in my shoes please stop.And those who try to do everything for me I get you want to help,let's just have a normal conversation if I need help I'll ask so stop pushing yourself on me and to those who don't think I should be alone EVER I can do my best grieving alone I don't have to worry about responding to them.That's why I love this site,you guys get it and are going through it with me and there's no pressure.It feels like we know each other.

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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I recommend grief counseling because it's so darn hard navigating your way through this on your own!  I have learned tons from my on line grief counselor over the last 13 1/2 years, she's been a godsend!  That said, not each and every counselor is equal and the same.  My first one should not have hung up a shingle listing himself as a grief counselor, he was anything BUT!  If I've ever offended anyone here with my suggestions, I profusely apologize.  If you're strong and can do it on your own, more power to you!  I think, as someone else commented, people just want to be helpful and certainly don't mean to offend.  

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On 3/1/2019 at 6:39 PM, Billie Rae said:

Ssc,the people who try to "fix"me yep,if I hear one more person say"well,if you did blah blah blah"it would make you feel better,help you get over/through it until you have been in my shoes please stop.

That about says it all!  There's some things we can't "fix", can only try to live with or adjust to, and that's a tall order in itself!

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I recommend grief counseling because it's so darn hard navigating your way through this on your own!  I have learned tons from my on line grief counselor over the last 13 1/2 years, she's been a godsend!  That said, not each and every counselor is equal and the same.  My first one should not have hung up a shingle listing himself as a grief counselor, he was anything BUT!  If I've ever offended anyone here with my suggestions, I profusely apologize.  If you're strong and can do it on your own, more power to you!  I think, as someone else commented, people just want to be helpful and certainly don't mean to offend.  
Kayc,you never offend!this was not about professional counciling,we are talking about all the unsolicited advice from friends and relatives and total strangers.NEVER DO YOU OFFEND!WE LOVE YOU AND YOUR WISDOM.(yup I yelled at you haha)so glad you're back[emoji8]

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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Jeff In Denver

I know it sounds like a rote response, but it's not meant that way.  I'm sorry about your losses.

I don't have a high opinion of grief counseling.  My thought: There is only one thing that will help - to have the person back, and no one can do that.   The only thing that has helped me is the hope that this isn't the end;  that it's a short interlude before we meet again, forever.

 On the other hand, that is only my opinion.  Plenty of people believe it has helped them, and that is what matters.  It is a fact the grief hits different people in different ways.  No one can truly know how one person feels about it except them.

The old "be strong" line is one of many well-meaning-but-unhelpful suggestions.  It makes no sense at all.

P.S. It's good to see that you're still here, KayC.  You have been very supportive to a lot of people over the years.

 

 

 

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