Feeling Overwhelmed

[KimbyM1]

Hi everyone,

I lost my mom 2 weeks ago to gallbladder cancer. We found out three weeks before she passed that her cancer had spread to her brain. We were all shocked by this new diagnosis because nothing indicated that it had spread (CT's always showed the cancer was stable). But one night she started acting real confused so my dad and I took her to the emergency room. We thought maybe she was dehydrated because the week prior she was sick and not drinking much fluids. She had an MRI and it showed the cancer in her brain.. She spent a week in the hospital and then we brought her home with hospice where she spent another two weeks with us. Me and my sister dropped everything, took temporary leaves from our jobs, to move back in the house to help take care of my mom. Everyday was a slight decline in her condition. One day she would want and be able to sit up on the edge of the bed, then next day she wouldn't. We couldn't really converse with her, it was mostly asking her yes or no questions to be able to get a response from her. One thing that makes me smile throughout all this was if you said, "I love you", she would turn to look at you, smile and say, "I love you too". 

It wasn't easy to watch her go but she was surrounded by her family. I miss her so much. She was diagnosed with cancer a year and a half ago and we all knew there's no cure for her type of cancer. Knowing death will eventually come doesn't make you prepared for it. I'm only 32 years old and now I have to live the rest of my life without my mom. She was my best friend. I don't know what to do.

My dad is having a hard time and I don't know how to help him. He states the house is too empty without my mom and everything in the house reminds him of her. My sister and I have been taking turns staying the night at his house. I know it's still very fresh and raw but I hate to see my dad so upset. I'm starting to feel overwhelmed by all this. My dad wants to go through all my mom's things but I can't. I'm not ready. When is a good time to do that? 

[sadandlost]

Dear KimbyM1,

I am so sorry for your loss.  Even when you know there is no cure its still a shock.  It takes many months for the shock to wear off.  It did for me.  Then you have to process it all.  The first year is very very hard.  There is never a good time to go through your mom's things.  its hard.  It will be hard now and in 6 months time.  There is no good time.  I think now though its very early but its for you to decide.  I think I waited 2-3 months.  Just know whenever you do it, it won't get easier over time.  Its emotionally a very hard thing to do.  So sorry for your loss.  I am glad you are a close family.  Just be there for one another, its all you can do.

[Nicole-my grief journey]

Dear KimbyM1,

Sending you a lot of love. Nothing prepares you for that. I am so sorry for your loss. My mom went quickly after her cancer diagnosis and it is still a huge shock. We thought we would have more time with her because they didn’t say a stage for the cancer (my dad told the doc they didn’t want to know. That bothers me still). She had the confusion as well near the end and I think about it often, that is more than extremely difficult. Those “I love you’s” are so beautiful. I cherish the memories I have of my mom saying them to me. I quit my job to be with my mom and didn’t leave her side. We were intially told she would have chemo and and operation. They weren’t forth coming in the fact that she would be gone so quickly and so I’m glad I quit my job and flew back to be with her. I stayed with my dad for 6 months after and still think I should probably be with him, but I needed a break from being in her house and take care of myself better (mentally, physically, spiritually) and couldn't do that there. Caregiving was intense and took a toll on me. Also, me being there that long...in a way, was stopping us both from making steps forward in learning to do things on our own without her. My therapist was worried that I would become the stand in crutch and not live my own life. He wanted to make sure I didn’t completely take on her role (putting my life on complete back burner) because I’m also young and before this, was hoping to maybe meet someone and one day get married and have kids. I still worry about my dad every day, but others have stepped in to be around him without me there and it has been good for him. If I feel he needs me there sooner, I will go sooner, but decided to try a month away and see how we both do. I empathize with how you and your dad feel because I felt/ feel the same way. Being around everything she made so beautiful and all of her things without her there was causing me deep distress. I kept thinking she would walk in the door at any moment, but also knew she wouldn’t. I haven’t been able to sort all of her things and get rid of them. I don’t know that I’ll ever feel the time is right, but I am going to try again in the next couple of months because my dad is being forced to move out of the house. All of it is unbelievable. I know that you are worried about hurting your dad further, but if you’re not ready to go through her things, then you have to be honest with him and let him know that you need more time. Everyones grief is different and we don’t all deal with it the same and it’s so important to be gentle with yourself. A lot of people only focus on the spouses loss and it’s a profound loss for us too. I was upset every time one of the visitors we would have, moved things in the house because I knew things would never be the same and I was trying to hold on to those parts of her. I gently let people know how I was feeling regarding that and they understood and were supportive. If you are comfortable with it, maybe one of your moms friends can help him go through some of her things. I let my dad and moms best friend know what was off limits for me in regard to what I wanted to personally sort and then put the most important items to me in my old bedroom until I get back there, so that there wouldn’t be confusion. I managed to get rid of non personal items like extra linens, bathroom stuff that wasn’t personal, extra glass wear that wasn’t heirloom, I kept pictures but gave the frames away and gave some nick nacks that I knew I didn’t want to family and friends (because I knew they would love them and then I wouldn’t feel as bad because I would know they were going to someone who truly cared). Sample: I’m not going to personally keep 10 vases (I could never use that many), so I’ll keep three and give the others to best friends of hers. I hope that you can maybe get your dad out of the house some. With my dad, it helps him to tinker in the garage, go for drives and put his grief into physical action. 

A BIG hug to you and your sibling. We’re here for you,

Nicole

[Fmf]

On 2/28/2019 at 11:42 AM, KimbyM1 said:

One thing that makes me smile throughout all this was if you said, "I love you", she would turn to look at you, smile and say, "I love you too". 

I think that having this memory is one of  the best to have.  My dad had a stroke and died 3 days later he was basically unresponsive. but my husband died the day after my dad and on his last day there were many friends who came to see him and each time I would walk in with someone new I would ask him my name and say I love you and he would respond back I love you too just like your mom did. There is no greater gift than that, so continue to hold on to that memory as you make your way through this process.