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One year today

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Today marks one year since my brother died. I find it hard to grasp the reality that he has been gone for 12 months. I look at his picture hundreds of times every day. I pick up my phone to call him several times a week, then I remember that he's gone and I feel the pain all over again.

On the day that Sean died I wanted the world to stop turning. I dug my heels into the earth and yet it kept turning. I hate the fact that I am one year older and he's forever 37.

My heart is shredded. I miss him so much. He was my past, my present and my future.

It gives me some comfort to know that other people here understand this type of pain and loss.

  • Angel Wings 1

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Linda, I am sending so much love your way and energy for comfort and moments of peace in your mind and heart. When I surpassed 33 (the age when my first brother died), it was hard for me to express how I felt and you have done that so honestly and openly with your share. At the one year mark and and again when I turned his age, I thought about who he was and the life he had made for himself in the short amount of years he had. He was an amazing person and such a deep soul. He was the peace maker, the smart one we went to for advice. He was good looking, talented, cared about everyone. He had a wife, two kids and started a business all before the age of 33. That’s not something I was able to accomplish at the age and even now at 40yrs old. He truly understood me and I always think about what the trajectory of my life would have been if he didn’t die. If he didn’t die, maybe my other brother wouldn’t have spiraled out and eventually lost his life by pain and addiction last year (he never was able to cope with the loss). Maybe my mom wouldn’t have had all the grief that probably caused her cancer and premature death in this last year. And most of all, I feel I wouldn’t be this lost and alone feeling such deep grief, life would be completely different for my whole family had he lived...But it didn’t happen that way and so I’m doing my best to cope with the abundance of emotions that go a long with such deep love and loss. I want to get to a point where I can live a life my brothers and mother would be proud of me for and excited about. In all of this hurt and pain, I hold on to the fact that we knew such love and closeness. Some people never experience that type of love and we had it with our siblings. I did a balloon release on the first anniversary. 33 balloons and a card I wrote to him. For my recent loss of my next brother last November I set off a lantern that went high up in the sky with love, gratitude for the relationship and closeness we had  for each other. I released it with hope for the future. My brother that just passed and me were always called twins because of how tight we were. It felt good to do those things. For my mom, I am getting and engraving at her favorite botanical garden and have put the word out to friends and family to visit that garden and think of her when they see the beauty and flowers (because flowers were something she loved to grow and took pride in). All of that doesn’t take away the grief, but it honors it, them, and the love we felt. 

Many hugs to you. I do know how it feels to go through this and be on the journey. My heart is with you.




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