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tee2002

I’m so alone

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tee2002

I’ve never felt so alone since the death of my sister, everyone says they are here for me but it’s just getting harder. It’s only been 5 months and I don’t know how I’m meant to carry on how am I supposed to go on with my life?.

Really just needing someone to tell me how they have done it because at the moment I don’t think I can

 

 

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StreamingTheLight

Dear tee2002,

Your post resonates with me. I’m so sorry for the loss of your sibling. I feel the same way. For me, grief has been debilitating. Hard to eat, sleep, function and feel anything but the heartache and pain. I am no stranger to loss. My first serious loss was my brother in 2006. And most recently in the last year, my other brother and my mom. I feel alone and lost too. I know everything I’m feeling and thinking is normal for grief, but it’s a super hard place to be. What helps me is reminding myself that it takes time to feel better and that I have to keep trying and going in life no matter what. Although I feel alone, I know that if something happened to me others would be affected and so I am continuing to do my best with taking care of myself. I make myself go to therapy to have professional help. I do this even when I don’t want to and feel like I can’t. I tell myself I don’t have the option of not going if I want to get to a place where I feel better. I know from my first loss that my therapy is imperative for my well being. I also have started acupuncture. I make lunch or dinner plans once a week with whoever is available (even though it’s so hard to make the effort of getting up and out) so that I have one social thing to keep me connected. When no one is available to meet me (because I live a pretty solo life), I make sure that I order pick up food, or starbucks, so that I have interaction with someone and it usually changes my mood for the better. Basically I’m doing one mind, body and spirit thing per week to hopefully find balance and some sort of new normal. Other things that I do are writing whatever I feel (even if it’s scribbles or random words and thoughts), taking a walk a day (even if just to the mailbox), crying when I need to (which is a lot), reading a few pages a day of T.J. Wray’s “Surviving The Death Of A Sibling” (and learning how others coped), eating something, and resting. It’s ok to feel how we feel. We lost the most important people in our lives. All of our memories and love were intertwined with our siblings and so to find our way after losing them is more than difficult. We have to talk about them and what we’re feeling to process the loss and help ourselves.

So many hugs to you,

Nicole

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missingmybrother_

Nicole, I love your suggestions. I ordered Wray's book earlier this morning and I think it will be helpful. I also found Megan Devine's "It's OK that you're not OK" really helpful.

Tee2002, your words resonate with me. I am not sure how I will go on with my life, either, and I don't want to...

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StreamingTheLight

Missingmybrother,

I am sending love your way. I am so sad that you lost your brother too. I know that it is so painful. Thank you for reading my post. I hope it helps. I’m going to look at the book that you ordered. Thank you for sharing that!  Please hold on no matter what. I have had so many dark days in this journey. Especially this last month, I really sunk into deep severe depression. My therapist reassured me again that I am where I need to be in my journey and that I need to be more gentle with myself in regard to wishing I was further along. He recoginzed my symptoms with ptsd were rearing their worst lately. With friends and family, I kept reaching out and received no reprieve because they don’t know how to help. They wish they could, but it’s so indiviual. So, again,  I took it into my own hands and upped my therapy to twice a week and started an extremely low dose of an antidepressant. My brothers and mom would not want me to give up and I feel I owe it to them and the love they gave me to try and live a good life. I have fought against taking that action for months, but I hit a hard bottom emotionally and decided it was time to try it with close supervision from the therapist and doctor. I would never suggest doing it without the support of those professionals because not everyone’s body chemistry is the same and while it’s taking time to work, somtimes the anxiety, or feelings can worsen. I did experience side effects, but pushed through them because it takes time for the body to adjust therapeutically. Only a doctor could say if that is right for the individual and so I’m not telling others they need to do the same...but I want to be transparent and let others know my experience through all of this, in case it helps. It is scary to feel that we can’t go on, or don’t want to. We are stronger than we think and we will go on, but sometimes we need the extra help. I was worried about side effects and that it may stunt my grieving process. But two weeks after starting the med, I can already tell it is helping me. I still have all of the grieving I had before and I still do everything that I wrote above, but now it is easier for me to get out of bed and I have gotten more done in the last three days (responsibility wise) than I have in months.It’s no longer hard to get in the shower and get a few things done. It’s now easier to not be overwhelmed when I have to go to a store, or crowded area. It’s helping me function. I have low seratonin and that was making me sink below my baseline. The antidepressant has adjusted me to a better level of seratonin. It’s not making me ignore my grief, or be a different person. But it’s actually helping me to face it in a way where I can dig deep and come back up and out from that feeling of drowning. There are also natural supplements for that people can try. 5HTP, magnesium and vitamin D are natural helpers I have used in the past. I still take my magensium regularly. We can and will transform our grief. I know that it is possible because of losing my first brother. I hestitated to tell others about the med, because sometimes people judge or don’t understand that some people need more options when suffering from stacked, complicated grief, trauma and ptsd. I have hope for all of us. I was reading my journals from when I lost my first brother and in looking back, I waited two years before being on a med. I suffered tremendously during those years and niw know I should have taken more action sooner. When I did it back then, I was on them for about six months and it got my life back on track. I tapered off them after that six months because it gave me the start that I needed and I hadn’t tried it again for 13 yrs, until now and I’m so glad that I made this choice. Again, this is only my experience and I’m not saying that’s a cure all, our lives are changed forever. But it is an option if people feel completely hopeless and have the resource to see and be monitored by a doctor. Other things that help me are fishing in my brothers favorite spot once a year. It was so difficult and emotional, but after a few years, I looked forward to it and it has been a beautiful way to feel his presence. For the brother I just lost, I eat a lot of the things he loved and repeat his jokes and treat others how he did. With my mom, I go to the botanical garden she loved, I look at every flower on my daily walks and acknowledge her because she loved to garden. I’m currently sitting outside looking up at the stars and practicing peace. Many hugs to you. I hope to hear more about what you find that helps you and I will be thinking of you.

hugs,

Nicole

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missingmybrother_

Thank you so much Nicole for sharing your thoughts on antidepressants. I am in the early stages so I am not sure I will want to try them, but I feel I have always been predisposed to feeling depressed. Your symptoms match mine so I am going to see a therapist and talk about it with them. It would be amazing to experience a little lightness if that is possible. 

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StreamingTheLight

Missingmybrother,

Wishing you the best with everything. There is light ahead. I truly believe that :). 

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