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Having a lot of trouble dealing with the loss of my best friend

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So its coming up to 3 years since my best friend passed away from a fentanyl over dose. Whenever I am reminded of, randomly think about, see something that I know I would have been buying for her because I know she would have wanted it, and if I attempt to process that reality, I'm left feeling like I did that day I got the call. So, I tend to try to just distract myself and not dwell on it. This gets tough when almost every time I go to sleep, I almost always get my brain trying to convince me shes still alive, just gone for a bit and it wont be long till shes back to pick up raising her son. And I wake up, and theres the whole next day I'm thinking about her constantly.. i have to say at this point that we were a lot closer than just best friends. That's what I feel is making this so difficult to process. I truly loved her, would have done anything for her. And I know many people have and will say that about the loved one in their life that they lost. There is just so much of that unexplainable connection that can occur between people, which I will try to convey better in the next post, that I believe is forcing me to seek help with handling this, or finding a way to deal with it..

Then there is the part of this that most people tend to jump and tell me that I shouldn't blame myself, and I dont. Theres a difference between trying to take any portion of responsibility for their friend passing, and being able to identify that my presence as her friend, impacted the course of her life and the road she went down that led to her use of heroin and then the overdose. She used to use meth, and i know that's a risky lifestyle to be involved in, but that was her thing, she kept it to very minimal use as best she could, but she didn't like the downer drugs. When I would come by and be waiting to pick some up, I'd always offer to smoke a joint with her while we waited, and she always replied with, "no thanks, I'm trying to go the other way" then one evening I was headed to go see her, and I rode this mountain bike that I had added one of those engine kits to, and when I showed up, she asked to borrow it cause she needed to go see a couple people and she'd be back quick. She even like made sure to catch eye contact with me right before leaving and saying goodbye, which I found weird at the time, for some reason. Anyway, on her way back she ended up getting hit by a car that just fled the scene. I end up finding out she was in the hospital a few hours later and I went straight to her, and it was so bad. She had a half inch nickel sized hole in the skin of her forehead, her knee was broken very badly, broken ribs, punctured lung, bruised spleen, broken finger. I stayed with her the 10 or 11 days she was in the hospital. I'm not saying this for any other reason but to express how much I loved her, but I even helped her when she had to go to the washroom. I learned something I'll never forget from her during that time. So when she was sleeping, I noticed she must have been dreaming of something that she was trying to run from, or whatever, but she would sorta roll around and twitch and I noticed how much pain she was in and wanted to do anything to ease it for her, so I held her hand. She kinda settled down. Then she would be moving around more and just not getting any restful sleep. So I start caressing the back of her hand with my other hand. I do that for a while, and then just kinda stop and as soon as I stop doing it, she starts squeezing my hand like noticeably harder and kinda making stressed looking expressions on her face, so I start caressing her hand again, and she relaxes and loosens up. It felt so good that I could give her unconscious mind something to focus on instead of all the pain.. 

So she ends up a month or two later, with infection in her leg, and probably more pain every day that she was trying to keep me from finding out about so I didn't feel bad about it, because early on a few months after her and I met I lent her my bmx and because of how I had the front breaks setup, she ended up flipping over the handle bars and landing a brutal faceplate that left her with scab over the one side of her face. Im guessing the pain from being hit by the car was what started her using heroin.

One of the most significant things that I feel could have been some kind of indicator was how I was with her for the first three shooting stars she ever saw, they were three separate  occasions. I mean, I am covered in tattoos that she did on me. Her mother originally asked me to help her clean out her room from where she had been staying till then, but she said she couldnt handle it, so I had to take care of it myself. So many things that I had given her, I didn't want them back this way. I kept all the clothes she made by hand, all of her paintings the guitars she played, the ones she made into lights, all the things that she had touched and made hers, her art. I plan to give them to her son if and when he wants it. So far I've only scratched the surface of all of what made her so special to everyone she met and so special to me... I'm gonna have to take a break here and continue next time cause this is getting hard to type on my phone. 

I feel so ashamed when I find myself wishing I could just stop having to think about her being gone altogether, but I dont want to stop thinking about her. Right at that moment in my life that I got that call, the worst thing in the world that could have happened was her passing away, and then it came true. 

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Dear Slickwid,

I am so sorry for all the pain and sorrow you feel. Grief is a very difficult journey and I know a lot of things are easier said than done.

Please don't be ashamed for thinking that sometimes you have to take break or to stop thinking of the person that passed. During my grief counselling I was told,  it is only natural to focus on other parts of life.

We all have thoughts that come and go and none of us want to think a fleeting thought could come true. They are only thoughts. I too had those moments. Its life and none of us can control it as much as we want to.

Please know we are all with you and you are not alone. Sending my thoughts and prayers.

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Sending loving thoughts your way. Your share jumps off the page at me and my heart hurts for you. That bond is so strong. I feel so raw today. Actually every day. I lost my brother to fentanyl. I burst into tears im front of friends tonight. I’m not often around others and it took everything in me to go. They were good, sympathetic listeners, but it was viscerally clear that there was no way they could understand or relate to me finding my brother like I did.  No one can understand the bomd my brother and I had and I feel like the moment I say fentanyl, their minds go to that instead of the entire beautiful life and memories my brother and I shared. It’s a lonely place to be. I want to thank you for sharing what your feeling. It makes me feel like someone else understands my heartache. So many hugs to you. I think it’s beautiful that you plan on saving things for her child. So important. You are a good person and good, loving friend to her. 

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I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. I've lost a few good friends too. One of my childhood friends passed away unexpectedly a couple weeks ago and it it's super hard. 

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