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Feeling empty


Nely

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Its been 10 months since my husband transitioned. Life has never been the same to say the least. The one purpose I found to continue living is our son who will be 3years in May. Recently, I wake up feeling empty and clueless sometimes. I feel I am just hanging in here with no sense of fulfilment whatsoever. Sometime last year, I applied for a professional course with a duration of 6 months just to keep busy and have something to look forward to. However, due to resources not being adequate to cover the fees and logistics, I have to defer it to a later time.

I contacted a music school yesterday to see if I can enrol so as to do something I love, singing. I do not know if that will help my situation but  I am willing to give it a try. 

My husband and I were married for only 2 years and 11 months. We had our whole life ahead of us. Our dreams were dashed the day he left for work and never returned. I feel lonely, I miss him and I am tired of being stuck in life at this age.

I do not know what else to do. I am here at work but I just cant seem to concentrate to do anything. I am not usually like this when my husband was here. I do not know anywhere else to go but here.

Hope you all are doing the best you can to pull through each day.

Warm regards ...

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I'm very sorry that you find yourself in this situation, ...I'm also 10 months in.

Being sad permanently, at times the desperation is replaced by feeling numb, empty, dead. Dominant is still this feeling of "waiting that something from outside" is ending it all. Unfortunately nothing is happening. No nuke from North Korea, no meteor hitting my house, no heart attack coming in with mercy to bring me to the place where my wife is already.

I'm (already/only) 54 and have no more wishes/expectations for my misearable lonely future; I've seen the world (rather some parts of it), and I fulfilled all my hobbies I was dreaming of a long time ago. Those things that my wife and me planned to do together in the future were mostly small, unspectacular things. We wanted to travel a bit more, going for endless city walks in Tokyo, yes we wanted to visit a few more remote hot springs/ryokan in Japan. We wanted to sit on a bench somewhere, holding hands, 

...we wanted to grow old together.

So I can no longer hold the hand of my wife, and I really don't intend to do anything alone what we had planned doing together. Because it makes no sense, and nothing at all can bring any pleasure to me. That's how it is; everything feels empty, drained from purpose, stripped from the potential to offer any enjoyment. I have the privilege not needing to work anymore for paying the bills, but this situation comes actually at a price. Endless time available to be filled with what exactly, when as mentioned any enjoyable distraction is not working for me? 

The volunteer work I started is the only thing that makes some sense. My life still feels like having ended  (and I really think it has), but by bringing some service I can at least be a little bit useful in the life of others. This brings some relief for me, relief into an otherwise worthless life.

I'm aware that people with a loss of partner - but being in their 30ies or even younger - can not say that their life ended, maybe they'll (have to) live another 70 years! And you have a son, so you have duty and purpose. This alone can neither replace your beloved husband nor it can make you happy, but with your responsability you have no way to run away or fly free from this earthly torment.

So when I can suggest anything, then maybe you could also try to find doing some volunteer activitiy. Because a hobby must bring some pleasure, otherwise it is worthless and wasted time. But volunteer work - even if it sucks (it doesn't for me) -  brings at least some positive effect for somebody else.

If volunteer work is too much (additionally to the work you already do), may be you would be better off to change the job into a field/company that has more purpose/meaning than the present one? 

Wishing you all the best!

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Good suggestions and observations HPB...I have found volunteer work to be that win/win, it gives us some purpose, it helps others, it brings positivity.  

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@Nely be kind to yourself.  This process of grieving is taxing and seems to take over our whole world.  I am so glad for you that you have your sweet little boy to keep you going.  What a beautiful gift you and your husband share together.  

For many years I was a preschool teacher for typical children and children with disabilities.  I found such purpose and honor in this job.  Since your son is of preschool age, have you thought of maybe combining your love of singing and seeing if perhaps you can volunteer in a preschool or playtime being a music teacher?  Just a thought.  I agree with HPB and believe volunteering or helping others is very therapeutic to the soul.

@HPB your positive experience with volunteering has made me rethink my current situation.  I believe when I change jobs at the end of the summer I will either go back to preschool or perhaps work with the elderly.  What better way to live the rest of my life than helping people?

 

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I guess I am feeling exactly like HPB. I feel completely dead inside, as if I have no more life left inside of me to physically move my own body. Everything is an extreme effort. My future looks so monotonous and dull. The future, that only a little while ago seemed so much shinier, has collapsed in on itself. Everything feels over. I’ve lost my big love so recently and have also had multiple extremely huge other losses, as well. Reality has been wiped out. The future, as I had dreamed it, is over and gone with no hope of it ever (the dream of it) returning. Death is final. How much choice do we really have in this life? All of us must find a reason to exist. I think that volunteer work is excellent for the more extroverted among us and that pursuing a hobby (an old or new one), or pursuing an interesting area of research, would be very helpful to the more introverted. We must treat ourselves with care. In a way, we are all newborns, feeling helpless, and having no idea at all of what future is ahead (as its impossible). One day at a time. That’s all I can do, I can’t see past this evening.

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Thanks everyone for your kind words and advises.

@HPB, I am sorry that you have to go through this. I  wish I have the right words but I am glad that volunteering is working for you.

4 hours ago, HPB said:

'm aware that people with a loss of partner - but being in their 30ies or even younger - can not say that their life ended, maybe they'll (have to) live another 70 years! And you have a son, so you have duty and purpose. This alone can neither replace your beloved husband nor it can make you happy, but with your responsability you have no way to run away or fly free from this earthly torment.

I am in my early 30s but I can say that I feel like my life ended the day my husband walked out that faithful morning and never returned. Yes, I decided to make efforts at living because of my son to whom I feel I owned a duty. He does not deserve to loose both parents at such a tender age.  You are right, as adorable and sweet as he is, he cannot in anyway replace my beloved husband. 'Earthly torment' indeed is what it is. Waking up each day to the realisation that you have been robbed off a future that you planned and worked towards, one that seem so promising and fulfilling to an empty one with no clue whatsoever about anything.

I try as much as I can to be cheerful around my son but I am loosing it. My strength is failing me, I feel so stuck that I do not even know what to do. I opted for music because singing and songs help me to open myself and clear my emotions. How better can I say this?

@SSC, Thank you for your kind words. Yes, my son is the reason why I still have my sanity and why I push to be alive. Volunteering at a preschool may not work for me. I realise that with this incident, I have become somewhat impatient and I try as much as I can to be patient with my son and be the best I can be for him. I am still a work in progress. That being the case, being around so many children might be too much to handle. What I have been able to do giving the opportunity is to talk to couples having hard times. Lately I was able to make one couple make up after almost 2 months of misunderstanding.

Nevertheless, I am open to volunteering when I find areas I can fit in.

@Pmarie

1 hour ago, Pmarie said:

My future looks so monotonous and dull. The future, that only a little while ago seemed so much shinier, has collapsed in on itself. Everything feels over. I’ve lost my big love so recently and have also had multiple extremely huge other losses, as well. Reality has been wiped out. The future, as I had dreamed it, is over and gone with no hope of it ever (the dream of it) returning. Death is final. How much choice do we really have in this life? All of us must find a reason to exist. I think that volunteer work is excellent for the more extroverted among us and that pursuing a hobby (an old or new one), or pursuing an interesting area of research, would be very helpful to the more introverted. We must treat ourselves with care. In a way, we are all newborns, feeling helpless, and having no idea at all of what future is ahead (as its impossible). One day at a time. That’s all I can do, I can’t see past this evening.

 

Your words are apt. The future I had dreamed and see working out is also over. I actually feel like I am a newborn, feeling so helpless and without any idea about the future. It is so sad. Yes, one day at a time, maybe a minute at a time? 

 

 

 

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On 2/20/2019 at 5:50 PM, Pmarie said:

I think that volunteer work is excellent for the more extroverted among us and that pursuing a hobby (an old or new one), or pursuing an interesting area of research, would be very helpful to the more introverted. 

I'm quite the opposite of an extroverted person. And to be honest a lot of other volunteer work would not suit me at all. I hate noise, crowds, I don't like being in big groups or parties. I like(d) to be only with my sweetheart, or now and then going out for dinner with another couple. And when travelling being open to other folks which is very inspiring and enriching. But we (my wife and l) didn't need other people to spice up a (not!) boring relationship. Only us ...enough and happy!

So my volunteer work is not handing out dishes in a noisy, crowded soup kitchen, but driving with my car (for the local Red Cross) people that are not able to take public transport. The people are with physical or mental (dementia) disabilities, or only old, or handycapped after surgery, etc. Bringing them from home to day clinics (dementia), doctor offices, hospitals, physio therapy, chemo and radiation therapy, dialysis, dentist, grocery shopping, hair dresser, the list goes on. And these helping 1:1 encounters are offering an insight to the real world: Two days ago I brought an over 80 y.o. man to his doctor  ... he lost 3(!) wives in his life (due to terminal illness).

Long story short: Even introverted folks like me can do some volunteer work.

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9 hours ago, Nely said:

I contacted a music school yesterday to see if I can enrol so as to do something I love, singing. I do not know if that will help my situation but  I am willing to give it a try. 

you are giving yourself a gentle nudge. We will not know unless we take a tiny step forward.  You will make decision to continue with this or not.  It shows that we do have some sense of control in a world that has been shattered. 

 

9 hours ago, Nely said:

I wake up feeling empty and clueless sometimes.

This is natural. I experience this often.  These are those moments that do pass. The darkness and lightness of this journey.  One moment we experience a ray of joy and hope only to be hit the next moment with intense despair.

Warm supportive thoughts to you. 

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I contacted a music school yesterday to see if I can enrol so as to do something I love, singing. I do not know if that will help my situation but  I am willing to give it a try. 

I think it will help. When my mother died, I immersed  myself in creative pursuits which gave me purpose and meaning. I barely had the strength to even get dressed, so just staying at home and doing this was very ideal for me. I volunteered almost a decade with my mom and with my (now deceased) boyfriend when they were alive, and it afterwards became almost too hard for me to do, as it brought back so many, many memories. So, I immersed myself in creativity and it became my new spirituality. I’ve found I’ve become a far less extroverted person after much loss.

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I think too that some of this are the waves of grief that hit us, one day may be alittle better and the next day we are back in despair... I am finding at 5 months this is what happens with me.  I know there are things I must do which forces me to move forward, even without feeling joy.  I do not volunteer, but I do finances, shopping, visiting, and taking my elderly 92 yr. old uncle out when weather enables.  It makes him happy, and that is enough for me at this time.  Of course I don't always feel like doing it, but I make myself get out, and usually feel better afterward.  It gives me a slight sense of purpose that I really need right now.  Just my thoughts. 

 

 

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What do you do when there is no joy or purpose in those “in between hours” while doing the daily “have tos”?  At home, in my space, I read or have the tv on while I tend to stare off into nothingness.  I feel empty mostly and have no motivation the minute I’m home from work or from helping my mom.  I just can’t seem to get moving...I Just want my old life back..

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@ssc,wow I get that,I used to think my"old life"was so hard and worrisome but what I would give to have those trivial troubles back,now I feel unhappy and scared and let's not forget desperation.Please I want it like it was.If I ever get through this I won't complain about anything,nothing compares to the horrible THIS.

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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@SSC  I am the same at home, tv on, hardly paying attention, no energy, my dogs force me to go outside off and on all day.  I don't work anymore so I cant even imagine having to work all day, help your mom, then even feel like doing home tasks.  I am ok letting things go alittle bit, no one will care, but I too, would love to feel alittle joy the way I did before.  Prayers for strength for us all.

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I have no hope
Roger died in Nov. I feel every emotion described. I feel for all of us. We all have different situations but we all lost someone loved. My life is over without him, does not matter if he would disagree. I remember our last vacation, I remember everything. For 38 years we were each other life. I know I feel sorry for myself, but if I could have saved him..

Linda

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The fatigue I feel is absolutely overwhelming. Most days it’s just too hard and too much of an effort to get up or dressed. I feel like someone has pulled out the plug to my life force. When I have to go somewhere, I return in an even more exhausted state than before. Perhaps, if I could find an ounce of energy, I would feel better.

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20 hours ago, Nely said:

What I have been able to do giving the opportunity is to talk to couples having hard times. Lately I was able to make one couple make up after almost 2 months of misunderstanding.

That is a WONDERFUL and needed calling!  It seems there's plenty of couples struggling in their marriage relationships...if they could but know what we know...it changes perspective.  Let the small things be small and save the effort towards the bigger issues.  And finding a way to use your musical ability is a great place to start too!

20 hours ago, HPB said:

And to be honest a lot of volunteer work would not suit me at all. I hate noise, crowds, I don't like being in big groups or parties.

There's all kinds of volunteer work.  I am our Church Treasurer and when I do the books, I'm alone in an office.  There's also walking dogs for animal shelters, holding babies in hospitals, pretty much anything you can think of that needs done...there's volunteer positions open for.  And giving rides to the doctor is a wonderful way to volunteer and I'm sure, much appreciated!  I knew someone who lost three wives (cancer) and then died of it himself.  He is one of the most amazing people I've ever met and I miss him still.

 

18 hours ago, JES said:

I do not volunteer, but I do finances, shopping, visiting, and taking my elderly 92 yr. old uncle out when weather enables.  It makes him happy, and that is enough for me at this time.  Of course I don't always feel like doing it, but I make myself get out, and usually feel better afterward.  It gives me a slight sense of purpose that I really need right now.  Just my thoughts. 

That IS volunteering!  It doesn't have to have a title to qualify.  You are helping someone else, selflessly, and I bet it means a lot to him.

13 hours ago, SSC said:

What do you do when there is no joy or purpose in those “in between hours” while doing the daily “have tos”?  At home, in my space, I read or have the tv on while I tend to stare off into nothingness.  I feel empty mostly and have no motivation the minute I’m home from work or from helping my mom.  I just can’t seem to get moving...I Just want my old life back..

Oh Hon, my heart feels your pain as I read this.  From day 11 on my journey, when I encountered a refrigerator magnet that said Find Joy in every Day, it changed my life.  I began to LOOK for joy, no matter how small, nothing was too trivial to count...a call from a friend, a check in the mail, a rainbow, seeing a pansy, dragonfly, or hummingbird (special to us), a stranger holding a door open for me, or letting me merge in traffic (a real miracle!), a kiss from my dog...I have learned to appreciate these moments and it has helped me to live in the present with gratitude for what IS, not merely lament what isn't.  It doesn't mean I don't have my times of pity or languish, I do, I'm all too human.  But I do try to look over my day and count my blessings.  This month has been very hard, struggle upon struggle, but I've reminded myself I still have a roof over my head and my wonderful furry family.  I had one day that I dubbed my "encouragement day" where so many people called or messaged me, and it meant so much, just what the doctor ordered!  :D  Yes there's times that seem meaningless, we try to get through them.  Focus/attitude can't be overrated.  I've learned to try not to compare my life today with the life I had 14 years ago.  Comparisons are killers and robbers of what is.  I know, we all look back and think, "if only I had my husband, I could get through this, how happy I'd be!", the thoughts come to us, but I can only try not to dwell unduly on that because THIS is my reality now, this is my life, the only one I have now.  And I also look forward to being with him again, I know it's a good long wait, but who knows, maybe not, none of us truly knows how long we have here.  It also helps to give yourself something to look forward to.  I need to be better at this, making plans...I know I can't in the winter, but I can in the summer and need to...just something to look forward to doing, visiting my sister, maybe taking my dog to the coast, things like that.

11 hours ago, beaniele said:

if I could have saved him..

I think the what ifs are part of grief...we wish so much for a different ending.  I doubt there's any of us that haven't felt those feelings.

35 minutes ago, Pmarie said:

The fatigue I feel is absolutely overwhelming. Most days it’s just too hard and too much of an effort to get up or dressed.

And for now just getting up and dressed is enough.  Be ever so patient and understanding of yourself, this has been quite a wallop.  It takes us much time to process and adjust enough to reenter the land of the living.  Right now it's just trying to survive today.

 

 

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KayC, you are an angel. Thanks for taking the time to offer your wisdom and to give much support to us all. I’m going to try to follow your advice and force myself to feel just a “moment of happiness every day. I did that once before (when I was enduring a major trauma in life) and it got me through somehow.

 

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Kayc,it's very soothing to have your viewpoint from so far into this journey to have your kind and wise words.I know it gives me some hope for myself and to know your struggles,to see you have survived lets me think that I can make it to the other side that maybe one day it won't be this overwhelming and I can find a life after this.Thank you so much for what you do for all of us[emoji8]

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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16 hours ago, SSC said:

What do you do when there is no joy or purpose in those “in between hours” while doing the daily “have tos”?  At home, in my space, I read or have the tv on while I tend to stare off into nothingness.  I feel empty mostly and have no motivation the minute I’m home from work or from helping my mom.  I just can’t seem to get moving...I Just want my old life back..

Wow, you've stated a big fat truth.  I ask the same questions every single day:  What do I do now?  How do I live without the purpose, the joy, even the hard parts of our life together?

I have had a list of projects and paperwork and computer stuff to do for months.  I keep up with the "must do this or the house will fall down" stuff, but not a whole lot else.  I keep the TV on all day with something, anything to bring sound to the empty, quiet house.  Every night I think, "Okay, tomorrow I'll do it. I'll get stuff done."  I get up with all these plans, but by noon, I know it's mostly not going to happen.

Happiness is a faint memory.  I'd give anything to have back the challenges my love and I faced together before his cancer.  I would never again complain about his little quirks.  I'd be kinder, more understanding, just more.  I feel like life has given us the short end of the stick because we both already had long-term, but not life threatening, medical conditions.  Yet we had learned to live with them.  We had learned to live a different life than what we had before them.  We made the best life we could, together.  And that's the problem now:  There is no more together, so for me, there is no reason to move forward.

Yes, I'd take back my old life in a heartbeat and try to do everything better.  But I'm also not selfish enough to demand he come home if means he'd have to live his last year and half over again.  I'll just hold on for the day I can join him and try to muddle through until then.

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Thanks everyone for your kind words and advises

 

I thank you all for your kind words, advises and for being there. I am so sorry I have not come earlier to express my gratitude.

I am going through so much pain. I do not know if this has an end but I am so broken and I cry even as I write this. I MISS MY HUSBAND AND I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT HIM. I DO NOT KNOWWWWWWWW

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37 minutes ago, Nely said:

I do not know if this has an end but I am so broken and I cry even as I write this. I MISS MY HUSBAND AND I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT HIM. I DO NOT KNOW

Your desperation is palpable, I'm very sorry. I wish I could do something for you!

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Moment2moment

Love to you all!  You do not realize how much you soothed my soul this morning because I know that I am not alone, even though now I am "alone".

I try to stay focused in the present moment through creating projects for myself, doing hobbies or interests, and working a part time counseling job. 

We have to create our lives over. We have to. It is the only way to find new meaning, daily joy (as Kay says), regain our physical and emotional strength, and receive this daily gift of life.

I am 10 months out after the loss if a 28 year relationship so I get every single thing anybody has shared here about grieving and loss.

And believe me, I have moments of despair so deep that I have thought and planned how to end my own life here, but I don't.

I don't because I have a spiritual life that calls me to help others now more than ever. It also calls me to enjoy the time I have left on this side because each day is a gift to be experienced fully.

I have always taken this approach to life but now it is my life raft so I grab onto it.

Death haunts me at every turn. Memories, flashbacks, images flow through my brain. My partner died an agonizing death in hospice and I was her caregiver at home.

Now I do everything I can to keep those memories at bay and to focus on our happy times before she got so sick and was bedbound.

I know she is at peace and awaits me but I also realise, that in spite of my profound grief, I have some living yet to do. It is the only way to be.

The alternative is death and I am fighting death, pushing it out of my house because it is not my time. Even in despair there is a tiny light that shines in the darkness and for me it is a call to a life of service to others AND a call to enjoy the gifts of experience (music, food, literature, art, friendships, children, nature, writing, my pets, and on and on)

I grope in the darkness of despair sometimes and these words have saved my sanity and gotten me back in track: "Get busy living, or get busy dying." from The Shawshank Redemption.

I've seen death up real close and real personal here lately and I choose to get busy living.

My time is shorter. I just turned 64. Ain't gonna waste any of the time I have left here before I transition over to be with her.

Get down for awhile,  then get right back up. Find your purpose, your reason to get up, clean up, go out, enjoy your day. Even if it is just to go out and get a coffee and sit on a park bench or drive in your car and listen to beautiful music. 

Life is for the living. So go find your life, one moment at a time.

I just wrote this with no notion of what was going to come out of me. I hope someone found something here to comfort or inspire.

It is a daily struggle, but joy does pop into view here and there. Spring is coming and we are survivors!

Love to you all!

Lily Bell 

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@Moment2moment I’m sure many here on this forum feel like your post is meant for them.  I’m one of them...Thank you!  It’s just what I needed to read this morning.  I know you’ve experienced horribly dark days and knowing you’ve been able to fight back and find the goodness in life gives me hope.  I really don’t want to be here on this earth anymore (in most people’s eyes my life looks like I have much to live for and be thankful for) this I struggle with...

like you and others here it seems finding real purpose with a job or volunteering is pivotal in becoming “grounded” in this world.  That will be my next focus.  My life has turned upside down so I’ll have to shift with it.  

Thank you again, Lily Bell 

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@Moment2moment I love the way you said this. I wish I had your gift to put your feelings into words like you do.  It gives me hope... I know I need to find peace for myself, and I need to go on living...if in a ball of misery or trying to find alittle joy.  I choose the latter also. Misery time is so slow......but getting out and doing makes our time go faster also. The sooner we can be with our departed love is how I like to think of it.  Love and hugs to all.  Jeanne

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@moment2moment how your words help.I also suffer the dark times,wondering if it's worth it(funny story,this morning I left for work,when I got in the car I realized I forgot my pants I was only wearing long Johns)but my rewarding work and helping a homeless man transition to work and stable housing make me feel some value so when I miss him so much I want it to stop I think of my value to others.I miss my old life and somehow through all the pain and confusion must learn how to be this new person,reading your inspiring words helps.As do you all with your empathy and true understanding.
Love Billie

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@Billie Rae I have to say you gave me a chuckle at the thought that you were leaving in your long johns this morning...glad you noticed before you left!  Oh, the things we do when our minds are "on  leave ".  I have put blush cream on and forgot to rub in,  2 rosy pink blotches, and wondered why someone didn't tell me.  Other thing I did right after Kevin passed was wear my leggings inside out,  tag out for all to see.  A nice young lady told me at checkout so I could pull shirt down over it.  The worst part was I didn't even care, I considered myself lucky to have even gotten to store.  I hope you can find time to grieve for Charlie,  you are so busy helping others.  I'm thinking it helps you get through to feel that value and that's ok!   It's good to help others!

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6 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

Love to you all!  You do not realize how much you soothed my soul this morning because I know that I am not alone, even though now I am "alone".

I try to stay focused in the present moment through creating projects for myself, doing hobbies or interests, and working a part time counseling job. 

We have to create our lives over. We have to. It is the only way to find new meaning, daily joy (as Kay says), regain our physical and emotional strength, and receive this daily gift of life.

I am 10 months out after the loss if a 28 year relationship so I get every single thing anybody has shared here about grieving and loss.

And believe me, I have moments of despair so deep that I have thought and planned how to end my own life here, but I don't.

I don't because I have a spiritual life that calls me to help others now more than ever. It also calls me to enjoy the time I have left on this side because each day is a gift to be experienced fully.

I have always taken this approach to life but now it is my life raft so I grab onto it.

Death haunts me at every turn. Memories, flashbacks, images flow through my brain. My partner died an agonizing death in hospice and I was her caregiver at home.

Now I do everything I can to keep those memories at bay and to focus on our happy times before she got so sick and was bedbound.

I know she is at peace and awaits me but I also realise, that in spite of my profound grief, I have some living yet to do. It is the only way to be.

The alternative is death and I am fighting death, pushing it out of my house because it is not my time. Even in despair there is a tiny light that shines in the darkness and for me it is a call to a life of service to others AND a call to enjoy the gifts of experience (music, food, literature, art, friendships, children, nature, writing, my pets, and on and on)

I grope in the darkness of despair sometimes and these words have saved my sanity and gotten me back in track: "Get busy living, or get busy dying." from The Shawshank Redemption.

I've seen death up real close and real personal here lately and I choose to get busy living.

My time is shorter. I just turned 64. Ain't gonna waste any of the time I have left here before I transition over to be with her.

Get down for awhile,  then get right back up. Find your purpose, your reason to get up, clean up, go out, enjoy your day. Even if it is just to go out and get a coffee and sit on a park bench or drive in your car and listen to beautiful music. 

Life is for the living. So go find your life, one moment at a time.

I just wrote this with no notion of what was going to come out of me. I hope someone found something here to comfort or inspire.

It is a daily struggle, but joy does pop into view here and there. Spring is coming and we are survivors!

Love to you all!

Lily Bell 

I am glad I read this today. I had such a productive weekend and then today I find myself feeling down again. This past weekend I watched a series called Tidying Up and it really inspired me. The show is about going through your house and organizing your belongings. At first I thought I would just get a few tips on how to clean but I realized it was a message to me to start going through the papers/belongings that are stored away of my husbands. I found myself encouraged enough to clean out drawers, and I was able to go through one bin of paperwork. I felt so proud of myself. We never know where our messages will come from that will lighten our day and give us the strength we need. I found your post inspiring, so thank you.

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[mention=412480]Billie Rae[/mention] I have to say you gave me a chuckle at the thought that you were leaving in your long johns this morning...glad you noticed before you left!  Oh, the things we do when our minds are "on  leave ".  I have put blush cream on and forgot to rub in,  2 rosy pink blotches, and wondered why someone didn't tell me.  Other thing I did right after Kevin passed was wear my leggings inside out,  tag out for all to see.  A nice young lady told me at checkout so I could pull shirt down over it.  The worst part was I didn't even care, I considered myself lucky to have even gotten to store.  I hope you can find time to grieve for Charlie,  you are so busy helping others.  I'm thinking it helps you get through to feel that value and that's ok!   It's good to help others!
And I didn't notice while I put on my socks and shoes!gone out a few times without brushing my hair and I'm a curly redhead so that looks wild.I love my work,I've had the same client for 8 years and we are as close as sisters I'm blessed to get paid to do something I love(and she has 4 terrific kitties)and I've helped to get her children into the grownup world.Staying with my routines during the day helps me,but I do a lot in a fog,sometimes she has to say my name 2 or 3 times to get my attention but my nights oh my awful nights,that was always when we were together,now I can't wait for bedtime then I sob in my bed holding his pillow that still smells like him,until I fall into an exhausted disturbed sleep.(I wake every hour and a half or so and pace the house)I'm so grateful though sad to have found all of you otherwise I would lose my mind.Love and just a minutes peace.
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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@Billie Rae  At 1 1/2 months I couldn't wait to go to bed ( our time change).  I'd watch the clock,  waiting until 7 pm, so I could just quit crying for a bit and not have to think and try to sleep a little.  I finally was able to read and distract myself a bit so I could stay up later.   Not grief books, just regular books unrelated to grief. Those first 4 months( for me) were getting hit hard with one feeling after another, and I had no control over any of it.  I still don't like nights but I do better with them now. Weekends tough also but they get better too as time goes on.  Time, unfortunately seems to be one of our only friends.......and of course all of you here.  :)   Hugs to all.

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I lost my husband Nov 16th, suddenly. Fridays are the worse day for me since he died on a Friday. After 38 years I have to build a new life, which of coarse I do not want to do.

I have gone through so many emotions. I never thought I would be in this situation so soon. I lost the love of my life. There is no life without him. But, I have no choice and no words of comfort. I wish I could help but many people here have words that might help.

I am so sorry for you loss.



Linda

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@beaniele  You are still new in this journey, I have to admit those first 4 months I had no hope either...and the emotions all over the place.  I'm not a person who cried often but the tears wouldn't stop and I just wanted the pain gone and him back with me. Give yourself time to grieve, I really feel that we need that grieving to process all we are going through...know we are here for each other. When one of us is really down, it seems there is always someone else that is more positive to give us hope. Love and hugs. Jeanne

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On 2/25/2019 at 6:48 AM, Moment2moment said:

Life is for the living. So go find your life, one moment at a time.

I just wrote this with no notion of what was going to come out of me. I hope someone found something here to comfort or inspire.

It is a daily struggle, but joy does pop into view here and there. Spring is coming and we are survivors!

@Moment2moment I find the name you use her very appropriate.  It is true it is a daily struggle.  My husband and dad passed away within 24 hours of each other about 3 1/2 weeks ago. As you said joy pops in and that is what i try to focus on. Since it is still so "new" i struggle with the firsts of everything, with the fact that my teenage daughters will grow up with their dad missing from special events.  Life is for the living its so true and that is what I've been saying to my girls.  We are living as we know my husband would want us to.  Spring is coming and my family has many happy things to focus on a 16th, 18th birthdays, high school graduation, so yes @Moment2moment I did find something here to comfort and inspire so Thank You!

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moment2moment,I find your way of trying to see the best inspiring,when I'm especially down its Kayc and your posts I turn to so that I can actively look for the joy.
@all,thank goodness for this site,all of you are saving me
Love and a moment of peace
Billie

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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Life is for the living, but it’s also for the dead. Just look at all the past people of history that still influence us today in all areas of living. Music. Literature. Art. Film. Science. Poetry. They are all dead, yet still very much alive. May we live our lives  “meant for the living” and always remember them, for only you can keep their memories alive. Talk to your grandchildren about them or keep a diary or journal of their memories with you. As the Native American, Chief Seattle, once wisely proclaimed, “The dead are not all together powerless.”  They are still here with us each and every day!

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I love how you are all taking care of each other...this is what a family does.

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