Almost 9 months

[Brazil Man]

Dear friends

It’s been almost 9 months since I lost my wife, but nothing has changed.
The days go by and I try to live one day at a time. Sometimes I forget her for a few minutes but then the sad reminder comes. The fact is that I just can not accept my reality. She was my lifemate for 30 years and I can't believe that everything we lived together just disappeared. I love her and miss her  more than ever.

Wishing you all the best.

Moises

[HPB]

27 minutes ago, Brazil Man said:

The fact is that I just can not accept my reality.

Brazil Man, we share the same thoughts, and the same broken heart. A painful present and a shattered future (on earth). Today for me it is 10 months. And I can't accept my reality either. I have no words of consolation for you, but you are in my thoughts.

 

[SSC]

For me,  four months.  I understand about not accepting this reality. I’m trying to figure out a new reality with a mate that “lives” somewhere else. A  Long distant relationship.  This is why I read so much about different perspectives of the afterlife.  Moises, I don’t believe everything you had has disappeared.  I believe you may have to wait for a while to be with your sweet wife again.  That’s the difficult part.  But your love and life together has meaning and purpose.  Hold on to that!  

You all are in my prayers

SSC

[HPB]

23 minutes ago, SSC said:

reality. I’m trying to figure out a new reality with a mate that “lives” somewhere else. A  Long distant relationship.

On first glimpse I misread this sentence ...and thought you "moved on"; but you are talking about your beloved late husband. And what you do is what I'm trying as well, yet this is so hard!

...one day after one day, and if this is too hard, minute by minute (and in constant hope to follow my wife into the afterlife asap!).

 

[SSC]

8 minutes ago, HPB said:

On first glimpse I misread this sentence ...and thought you "moved on"; but you are talking about your beloved late husband. And what you do is what I'm trying as well, yet this is so hard!

...one day after one day, and if this is too hard, minute by minute (and in constant hope to move to the afterlife asap!).

 

This is the difficult  part.  Living a life on earth without them physically.  

 

I was was always afraid of dying ever since I was young.  Mostly because of the unknown.  But now I’m not afraid.  Now it’s something I look forward to.

[JES]

For me, almost 5 months. I too, feel my future has been shattered.  Reality hits us hard and I hold tight to his memories.  It is all I have for now, and I look forward to the day we are together forever.  I also know I have to keep going for those I love in this life no matter how hard it may be.  So I have no choice but to move forward......    Prayers for all, strength to get us through each day, and hope for the future.

[tlc]

30 minutes ago, SSC said:

I’m trying to figure out a new reality with a mate who "lives" somewhere else. A long distant relationship.

Ten months since I lost the love of my life. It does not get any easier as time is going by. I talk to him as if he was still here, ask his advice and ask for his help at times.

I too investigate as much as I can about the afterlife. My hope is that we will be together again but even if that is not what happens then I would rather not be here without him. I am not afraid of dying either. It will be a relief to be out of this pain.

I miss him so much. I feel your pain Brazil Man.

.

[Sunflower2]

3 hours ago, Brazil Man said:

The fact is that I just can not accept my reality. 

17 months into this and I still find this very painful.  I make efforts to inch forward but this is my biggest most painful struggle.  Not having him physically here.  

I'm simply not there.  I understand the dynamics of it and what is happening but emotionally I'm just not there.

I'm beginning to work through the trauma of the sudden loss with support. It needs to be addressed and gently worked through.  No choice with that because it has begun to reappear during my sleep as nightmares.  

I can only do so much physically and emotionally each moment on this journey but I hope one day it all flows together where I feel more calm and more settled.

 

 

[beaniele]

17 months into this and I still find this very painful.  I make efforts to inch forward but this is my biggest most painful struggle.  Not having him physically here.  
I'm simply not there.  I understand the dynamics of it and what is happening but emotionally I'm just not there.
I'm beginning to work through the trauma of the sudden loss with support. It needs to be addressed and gently worked through.  No choice with that because it has begun to reappear during my sleep as nightmares.  
I can only do so much physically and emotionally each moment on this journey but I hope one day it all flows together where I feel more calm and more settled.
 
 

Not having him physically here.  

I feel the same, of the loss of my darling, wonderful husband. He is in my heart for ever.


Linda

[KayC]

I still have a hard time with George not being here.  I've adjusted as much as I can, I've learned to live with this new reality, I've worked on building a life for myself, but when all is said and done, I still miss him each and every day.  I find winters are the hardest, so hard being alone in this survival mode without him here to go through it all together.

It takes more time than I can say to adjust, this is the hardest hitting thing I've ever dealt with.  It helps having this place to come to, at least it is a place where others understand.  I, too, choose to think of him being away, not dead, but living where he went and I'll join him someday.  When he used to go away on a trip, I'd count the days until he was back...now there is no counting, just holding on...

[Brazil Man]

Thank you for replying.
I told my brother in law I was suffering  because of Rosana.
He told me I had to forget her.
How can her own brother say such a thing ?
I got very sad because of that.
I will never forget her.

[SSC]

What?  To forget your wife!?  That is so cruel!  Of course you should NEVER forget her!  You were together for a long time, it’s a huge part of your life!  You suffer because you love much.  Perhaps your brother in law cannot understand that kind of love?  He could learn a thing or two from your relationship with your wife.  Not many people get type of love in their life!

[HPB]

4 hours ago, Brazil Man said:

I told my brother in law I was suffering  because of Rosana.
He told me I had to forget her.

What you experience here with your family in law, dear Moises, reminds me to a similar case I was reading a while back (many months back!). Why do I remember this post of @Jeff In Denver ? Because this behaviour of the folks in law is so unbelievable, that my foggy grief brain suddenly started to work and remember very well. Here is the post:

https://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/topic/9821-you-have-to-let-himher-go/

So my advice; don't expect anything, especially from those people we normally would expect support for granted. Only people in the same shoes know, and understand, and act accordingly.

(On a sidenote: Today, when driving as volunteer for the RedCross, one of my passengers was an elderly lady with bowel cancer going to her radiation session. On the way back she said that it is very nice of me to do this work. I then admitted that a horrible event 10 months ago was "pushing" me into this. She then - meaning well - replied to me: "At least your are still young, you will find somebody(!) else!" I pulled myself together, and then explained her in a friendly but firm manner that what she just said is very hurting, an absolutely "no go!", and that I hope my explaination will prevent her from hurting somebody else in the future. She understood very well (after the brain was switched on), and got very, very embarrassed about her "carelessness".

People don't get it instantly, but some are able to learn... )

 

[Brazil Man]

17 minutes ago, HPB said:

"At least your are still young, you will find somebody(!) else!"

People don't undestand that we don't want to be happy without our late loved ones. Because we still love them.

 

[Jeff In Denver]

HPB, Thanks for posting that.  I m sorry that you had to go through it.  Brazil Man, I have talked to two psychologists about this, and even they don't understand me when I tell them I will always be unhappy without my girlfriend, as though it is a decision, rather than the result of a horrific loss.

[KayC]

22 hours ago, Brazil Man said:

Thank you for replying.
I told my brother in law I was suffering  because of Rosana.
He told me I had to forget her.
How can her own brother say such a thing ?
I got very sad because of that.
I will never forget her.

He doesn't know what he's saying.  Of course you will never forget her.

[Billie Rae]

Of course we don't forget love.It gets incorporated into the rest of our lives and they are always a part of who we are.love and sympathy to you Brazil Man.

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

[SSC]

I went to group therapy today.  I am the person there who has most recently lost their spouse.  For one woman it’s been 2 1/2 years... she is still learning to cope with her loss.  It helps me to see the progression of grief and how everyone has their own individual journey.  Listening to ourselves and knowing what we need and honoring our feelings... in reality, this could be a life long journey for some of us.  Just knowing this and not judging is what’s important. 

[biene]

On 2/17/2019 at 1:48 PM, beaniele said:

Not having him physically here.  

I feel the same, of the loss of my darling, wonderful husband. He is in my heart for ever.


Linda
 

The "absence of his presence"  is a game changer. I lost my love of 41 years less than a week ago. It of all days the Canadian holiday called "Family Day" Well, I lost my family that day. I am so very sorry for your loss. Big hugs

[Moment2moment]

On 2/17/2019 at 9:47 AM, SSC said:

For me,  four months.  I understand about not accepting this reality. I’m trying to figure out a new reality with a mate that “lives” somewhere else. A  Long distant relationship.  This is why I read so much about different perspectives of the afterlife.  Moises, I don’t believe everything you had has disappeared.  I believe you may have to wait for a while to be with your sweet wife again.  That’s the difficult part.  But your love and life together has meaning and purpose.  Hold on to that!  

You all are in my prayers

SSC

I am 10 months out next week from losing the most precious soul mate partner of 28 years and this is the only way I can grasp how she is no longer with me now. She is "just away".

I try to distract and stay busy with a new job but at the end of the day there is this wall of emptiness that no distraction or busyness can mask.

I am not afraid of death. In fact I look forward to it. That is not to say that I don't enjoy or appreciate the gift of life for me now, but it is not the same life i had before and it never will be.

There are moments of joy, but they are superficial. There is laughter, but it is hollow. The overall loneliness is a constant backdrop to everything I do.

She was my family and where she was , that was "home". We had 3 dogs left who were our "children" and 2 passed 5 months after her death.

That leaves me with one and after she passes I honestly am not sure that I will be able to hold on and stay around. What would be the point?

I do imagine how I would do it-stage my exit-and I know that no one would miss me because no one missed or cared for my beloved. 

Guess that is the world today. Here one minute, gone the next and nobody notices or cares. I saw it with her passing and it will be the same for me. Just a blip in the universe.

I am weary of it and all the cruelty and indifference and she is waiting on the other side for me, just a breath away.

So I bide my time and try to fill the void but it always comes back to this: she is not here with me physically and I cannot grasp that fact.

[HPB]

3 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

The overall loneliness is a constant backdrop to everything I do.

 

3 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

She was my family and where she was , that was "home".

 

3 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

I do imagine how I would do it-stage my exit-and I know that no one would miss me because no one missed or cared for my beloved.

 

3 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

I am weary of it and all the cruelty and indifference and she is waiting on the other side for me, just a breath away.

 

3 hours ago, Moment2moment said:

...it always comes back to this: she is not here with me physically and I cannot grasp that fact.

You are writing what is going on inside me. And because I feel this, I'm very sorry for you. I was just waking up on this terrible lonely Sunday morning, hit by one of those uncontrollable waves of emptiness and desperation, hit by the awareness of this cruel reality. Reading your post breaks my unbearable isolation for a moment, feeling connected, embedded within people of the same temporary fate. Thank you for your post.

"She was my family and where she was, that was "home"."

HPB, "homeless"

[Brazil Man]

34 minutes ago, HPB said:

"She was my family and where she was, that was "home".

Only now I realise how happy I was.

Now it's only sadness and loneliness.

[SSC]

I may have friends and family around me but I’m still lonely.  It’s my mental state.  I live in my “world” but I’m not really here...I’m not present.  I’m going through the motions but dreaming and wishing to be in the next life.  I hate feeling helpless.  I hate that I can’t control my fate. I hate that I can’t bring my husband back and I can’t “go” to him.  Our time for happiness has past, so what’s the point anymore?

[Brazil Man]

4 minutes ago, SSC said:

Our time for happiness has past, so what’s the point anymore?

All good moments together are now only memories from the past. This is our sad  reality,.

[KayC]

I too can relate to how you feel, moment2moment.  I have learned to live with my grief for it in my ever-present companion.  You talk about the momentary joys being superficial, yes, in comparison, I suppose you could say that, but I'll take whatever good comes my way, no matter how small, no matter how fleeting, it is what we have now.  I would give the rest of my life, for it is all that I have, just to have him hold me one more time.  When he held me I always felt all was right with the world.  I still remember that secure feeling, that comfort, even after all these years, even though I haven't had it since the day he died.

[SSC]

@KayC I 100% agree with you.  Being held and knowing you were with someone who completed you.  There is nothing better.  I miss it with every ounce of my being and I’d do anything to have it back.