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My mother died and I'm alone


KBJ

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3 weeks ago, we lost my mother, I can't say suddenly, we sort of some how expected it. She quit smoking in October, and hell broke loose in her body. . I was at work very early on the day she died, hadn't started working just yet. I got the call tor return back home something was very wrong with her. By the time I got home, she was gone. She had that Cheyenne-Stokes type breathing, the death rattle as they call it. Her heart had stopped beating all ready and her breathing was no longer available other than that rattle noise which stopped very soon after I came home. CPR wasnj't going to work, she was all ready gone, and it had been 5 minutes. We knew she had died, but still had to wait for the ambulance another 10 minutes. They tried to revive her but that wasn't going to even happen. When we got to the hospital, in 2 minutes they had us in the family room. 

Since her death, I've been living in a fog of emotions. I keep going from is this real, did this happen, did I lose my mother, lost in the cloud of disbelief that I am now motherless, to accepting the fact she is gone, and there were things my brothers and sister and I had to complete.  I miss my mom every day. Today I went through family photo's and almost dropped when I found older photo's of her. When I was a kid. I have had panic attacks several times in the last three weeks, and more anxiety than anything. I know I will be okay, that everything will turn out okay, but the fear of the future with out her bothers me. I get lonely here or there. I have had more trouble sleeping than anthing. Which can make my anxiety problems even worse. I wake up now at the time she died every single day. The show MOM bother's me but I end up waking up to it every single day. She loved the show, maybe that's why I'm waking up to the reruns. I can't wake up to an empty house right now, it creeps me out. I hope all this will dissapear in time where I can start to feel safer and better, but right now, it's making me feel like I have no control over anything in my life. I go to work, and I'm okay there, I think about her yes, but not as much as I would at home, I concentrate on my job and I feel so much better when I get home. I play with my dog and her dog, feed them, walk them. but then at night I get all anxiety driven again. I feel alone again. 

I miss my mother, I'm not mad at her for dying, I'm not mad that we couldn't help her, I'm confused and foggy, anxiety driven, scared, and incomplete.

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Dear KBJ,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am very sorry for your loss. I know its a terrible shock. It's horribly raw and everything you are thinking and feeling is normal and natural.

Everything you described is how I felt for almost a year after my father's passing. And like you, I too returned to work and the routine gave me some control. But it doesn't mean its not rough coming home to a place where you expect to see your parent.

I know its really hard right now, please know we are all with you. And please know there are many supports in the community and through church. If you want to, maybe consider grief counselling or joining a support group. Different things work for different people and sometimes we all just have to keep going through the motions of life till time lessens the intensity of our pain and sorrow.

Thinking of you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

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There are no grief counseling centers near me, there are therapists but to far away for me to get too, I don't drive, and there is no Public transportation in that area. My sister said to go to a hospital off the train closest to the station in another area. I'm thinking about that route maybe. See what happens if I can gather myself to do it"
Thank you. 

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Nicole-my grief journey

KBJ,

I feel that way too. It took me time to get back to my therapist and I knkw it’s the one thing keeping me going and my safe space to speak freely. I hope you find one. I’m also going to a acupuncture to try amd help myself. It’s hard for me to get out of bed every day and go out into the world. To try and regain a sense of peace, I am on an extended stay back on the otherside of the country in my apartment with my own things. I was in my moms hoise for almost a year staring at her things every day, getting nothing accomplished. It was too painful to try and so now I am trying to find my way and gain strength to be able to go back and finish what I couldn’t. I am every adjective and emotion that you have written. I feel a lot of the anxiety is from all of the unknowns. I have a lot of worry about what’s next and who will I lose next. Things replay in my mind. I wake up and try to restart my life everyday. It’s a rough road and long journey. I’m 7 months in and diagnosed with complicated grief, ptsd, and mulitple losses in a short period of time. It’s unlike anything I cam describe. My mother was my everything and reason for being. She was my purpose and now I’m lost. I will keep praying for us. Swnding lots of love. I’m so sad for your loss. 

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So since I wrote this, I feel pain and I do feel sad, I felt sad yesterday actually, I let it happen now, but I do feel the sense of fog lifting. I smile a bit more, I try and have a little fun. Things I know my mother would want me to do. I know my mother, she'd tell me to snap out of it. She would tell me to move on. There are more issues that came up in the last few weeks, that opened my eyes about the meaning of life and death. I guess when you get to middle age you learn about those things. My father who I was estranged from for along time, since I was a teenager, he was found dead in his apartment. Natural causes I guess they said, but they aren't still sure if the M.E. wants to take custody of his body to do a quick autopsy. He was almost 80, I would think we would feel better just saying it was natural causes. My uncle died this past saturday, he had advanced stage COPD and other health concerns so his too was natural causes. It is sad but I think accepting my mother's death, I think it made it easier to accept these two deaths. Everyone is born, they live between and die. It's what you do in between that counts. I think of what my mother and other's did in between now, not how they died. I wasn't there when they were born, but I am laughing at things they once did, all those memories. I think my mother would have wanted that, I think my uncle would have wanted my aunt and cousins to do that. My father as I said I was estranged from him for years. I  made my peace and said my goodbyes to him along time ago. I know it seems cold but sometimes that just happens in life and families. You can't change someone into something they aren't, and you want them to be, but you don't have to live with it either. You do have to forgive and move on though or you'll eat yourself up when something bad does happen. That is where I'm at, I don't feel bad even though he died, I made my peace with it, I've moved on from it, and I'm okay and accept his death knowing that yes he died alone, but he chose that life for himself and there is nothign I could change on that, that would help me and my siblings mourn his death. It is what it is. 

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Nicole-my grief journey
16 hours ago, KBJ said:

So since I wrote this, I feel pain and I do feel sad, I felt sad yesterday actually, I let it happen now, but I do feel the sense of fog lifting. I smile a bit more, I try and have a little fun. Things I know my mother would want me to do. I know my mother, she'd tell me to snap out of it. She would tell me to move on. There are more issues that came up in the last few weeks, that opened my eyes about the meaning of life and death. I guess when you get to middle age you learn about those things. My father who I was estranged from for along time, since I was a teenager, he was found dead in his apartment. Natural causes I guess they said, but they aren't still sure if the M.E. wants to take custody of his body to do a quick autopsy. He was almost 80, I would think we would feel better just saying it was natural causes. My uncle died this past saturday, he had advanced stage COPD and other health concerns so his too was natural causes. It is sad but I think accepting my mother's death, I think it made it easier to accept these two deaths. Everyone is born, they live between and die. It's what you do in between that counts. I think of what my mother and other's did in between now, not how they died. I wasn't there when they were born, but I am laughing at things they once did, all those memories. I think my mother would have wanted that, I think my uncle would have wanted my aunt and cousins to do that. My father as I said I was estranged from him for years. I  made my peace and said my goodbyes to him along time ago. I know it seems cold but sometimes that just happens in life and families. You can't change someone into something they aren't, and you want them to be, but you don't have to live with it either. You do have to forgive and move on though or you'll eat yourself up when something bad does happen. That is where I'm at, I don't feel bad even though he died, I made my peace with it, I've moved on from it, and I'm okay and accept his death knowing that yes he died alone, but he chose that life for himself and there is nothign I could change on that, that would help me and my siblings mourn his death. It is what it is. 

So many beautiful things you expressed. I love that you feel it’s the in between that counts. When I think about my life, I know that I am blessed and lucky to have had so much love and still experience close meaningful relationships. I am making that concentrated effort to focus on that. I am sorry for the loss of your dad and your uncle. I too know that it’s the circle of life and that I will continue to experience losing those that I love and so it’s important for me to be present in the realtionships I have and to nurture them. I love hearing that you’ve been smiling more and tapping into emotions and memories that brought you joy. It inspires me. 

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Pam@Ilovemybeagle

KBJ,

Hello my name is Pam, and I have been reading about your loss. I am so, so sorry. My heart goes out to you. I have also read that you do not have no grief counseling centers near you. I am in kind of the same boat. There are therapists, but it is very expensive. I find that sharing my thoughts with people on this forum, truly does help. We are all in this together. I keep saying this because in my case it is true. You can find more compassion and sympathy with strangers, sometimes better than your own family and friends. Please write to us, we are all here for you. I have shared my story with a few on this forum and the compassion and support is so amazing. Like from Nicole (StreamingTheLight) she has been through a lot. I wish I could be as strong as her. But everyone's grief is different and their own. I am just grateful that there is a place like this that I can take support from all of you when I need it.

We are here for you.

Pam

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