My Dad was my best friend and I lost my child a year later and 7 other people close to me

[Auburnazd]

My Dad was everything to me.  I was a Daddy’s girl and he was my best friend.  When he died, a part of me died with me.  A year later my now husband and I unexpectedly got pregnant.  I thought from death came life.  At 17 weeks we found out our baby, Caleb, had a chromosomal disorder and would eventually not survive. Our little champion made it until I was 38 weeks pregnant.  In the following 5 years, I lost 6 other people including my Aunt, two Uncles, Grandmother, one best friend, one very close friend, and both our family dogs.  I have been lost and heartbroken for the last 9 years.  I’m sure many people wouldn’t understand why I haven’t just gotten over it but I don’t know how.  I used marijuana to cover up my emotions and avoid them but I am now 3 months sober and everything is coming to the surface.  If anyone has any advice or words of encouragement I would be greatly appreciative.  It has been just a horrendous couple of weeks feeling all these emotions.  

[tessa]

Hi Auburnazd,
I'm so sorry for your losses. It's not easy to just get over it. I too have been losing people starting 6 years ago. Sometimes it feels like they are all leaving and I'm left here on my own.
The way I keep going is firstly, I have told myself I have to keep going. I can't just die. I don't know how to just die so I have to just keep going until it is my turn to leave.
But what do I do in the meantime. I can't just sit here for a couple of decades just breathing. I have to do something.
So I got myself into a hobby and it has been much better since I did so.
I now have something to wake up to everyday. That is what I recommend for everyone. Find something to do that keeps us interested, something to wake up to everyday.
It could be trading the stock market. Wake up everyday to see what the stock market is up to.
It could be chickens. Have to get out of bed to feed the chickens and collect the eggs
It could be a pet. Have to look after the cat/dog.
It could be volunteer work or study or sport or anything.
Just something to get us out of bed everyday and give us something to think about. But not too hard or challenging or stressful.
I was thinking of getting some chickens or maybe a veggie patch. I am useless at gardening so I will a have to start small.
It won't bring them back. We will miss them always but having a reason to wake up everyday keeps depression away.
Start small and slowly, slowly re-invent yourself and create a new life. You can do it
 

[Auburnazd]

I just struggle greatly with moving on.  I definitely do need to find a hobby but a lot of time depression just takes over.  I have an amazingly supportive husband and a wild but adorable 5 1/2 year old son but I still feel very empty many days.  Many days I just feel like I want to give up.  The hardest losses were my father and my son.  My father was my best friend and everything to me and words can’t describe losing my son even if I was “prepared” for it.  I’m sorry if this message sounds so down, i’m Just eager and desperate to find individuals that I can communicate with, learn from, and lean on.  I have done grief counseling for years and still keep in touch with my counselor and I see a psychologist weekly, but I haven’t found the right solution.  I GREATLY appreciate your suggestions and like that we have to start small.  I need to find that “thing” to focus on and build upon.

[Nicole-my grief journey]

I’m so sorry for your losses. Your share doesn’t sound down to me. I think you are exactly where you need to be in your grief journey. Be gentle with yourself. I struggle to move on too. My therapist said with so many losses it takes time to process. It’s clearly not easy to do. He let me know I wouldn’t even be able to start processing what happened until 6months in. It’s different for everyone though and so your time line may be different than mine and that’s ok and normal. Remind yourself what you are experiencing is normal and ok. I start new every day. Therapy once a week, acupuncture once a week and meet with a friend once a week to try and take care of mind, body and soul. I’m trying to create structure because every thing has been so unpredictable and out of control. I wanting to get to the place where I can think about them with joy and blessings that I had them and those relationships. It will happen, I just have to be patient. I pick out on thing every day that makes me feel good or normal. Like the sun being out, seeing a flower or bird, holding a door open for a stranger, smiling at a stranger and trying to send out kindness. 

Hugs,

Nicole  

[Auburnazd]

Nicole-

     Thank you for sharing with me.  Because I struggle with feeling like i’m On some kind of timeline of relief.  I know its been a long time (almost 9 years) since my Dad died and 7 since my son but I still struggle greatly.  My therapist calls it complicated grief but beyond that I don’t know how to “fix” it.  I’m going to visit his gravesite which is next to my son’s next month (they are in PA and I am in AL) and talk to them, even if it is just in spirit.  I need that connection.  I also need or maybe want to look at pictures that I have avoided for years.  I appreciate every day because of my husband and other son, but most days I feel like life is just passing me by and I don’t want that.  I suffer from a lot of anxiety and depression and I try really hard to deal with it but my progress has been slow. So it is just helpful to hear that I am on my own timeline.  And it gives me hope that it will get better.  Thank you!!