Father Died, Family a Mess

[Ravens2631]

My dad died from a heart attack suddenly a year ago. The loss was devastating and I feel like I have been in a fog ever since. 

After my dad died I decided I would need to make more money in order to take care of the family if need be (like my dad). I was promoted and my career is great, but my family has seemed to start to fall apart.

At first I tried to take care of my mom like my dad did (I.e put gas in her car and buy groceries twice a week)  and this was before I was promoted at work. I frankly couldn’t afford it after my dad died but I figured this is “what dad would have done”. 

I created some distance after a couple months with my mother. I felt like me catering to her every need wasn’t healthy for anyone. Now she’s accusing me of being mean and distant. 

I should add, my mom is in her early 60’s, healthy, and has her own business. However she relied heavily on my dad their entire relationship and didn’t even know how to put gas in a car until my dad died. 

What makes me most mad is that she always talked mad **** about my dad when he was alive. Even though he worked two jobs to support the family and visited his mom every weekend who was in a home-it was never enough. The dude had so much on his plate, and yet she felt like he wasn’t doing enough. Not to mention family dinners where my mom would rip apart his eating habits and anything he said.  Cringe worthy to say the LEAST. 

My mom seems to have transferred all of this entitlement and angst towards me. In my mind, she’s a grown adult that should be able to handle things like bills, taxes, getting gas..but she doesn’t seem to think that’s the case. Every time I bring it up she gets defensive and mean and I’m at the point where I don’t want any communication with her anymore. 

 

Any advice?

[reader]

Dear Ravens,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know you were only trying to honor your dad by helping your mom. But you were taking on a lot and doing the very best you could. I know the grief is still raw for everyone in the family.

I too use to be the go to person in my family. I would do everything and anything that needed to be done. It created a lot of resentment on my part. Like you, I too felt like my mom could be doing more, but it was difficult to reset those boundaries and communicate them in a way without hurting feelings.

Do you think your mom would be interested in grief counselling? Or joining a support group in the community or through church for widows. During this sad time, it is important to lean on as many people as possible. And you too are going through your own pain and sorrow.

I know its hard. I don't know if a trusted family friend or family member could also talk to your mom and let her know where you are coming from.

I hope others will be able to add more.

[Ravens2631]

Thank you so much for your advice. I don’t think there really is anyone that would be able to talk to her. I’ve reached out to my sister but she doesn’t want to be in the middle, which I totally understand.

 

My mom says she goes to a support group..but she only uses it to guilt me into doing more. I also don’t 100% believe her when she says she goes to one. She has a history of lying to make herself seem better and have the upper hand. She’s very stubborn and will never admit she is in the wrong. It just feels like we’re at an impasse.