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Debra L.

Brother committed suivide

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Debra L.

Found out by chance my 54 yr old brother I was estranged from for 10 yrs, transgendered completely to female, changed his name, suffered mental illness his whole life, killed himself premeditated because he gave his dogs away prior to the act..what a shock it was to have learned this news 3 months after the fact.  Unable to get any answers from police or his lawyer with his estate or anything else.  The hardest part I am struggling with is the transgendering.  He is at peace with his torturous life.  He was always angry at the world, our mother for making him who he was.  He had severe paranoia with people finding him fo not know why.  He seemed to have a sociopathic personality like our grandfather.  He was very much like 2 people.  He had a son he walked away from , so I do have my nephew back who is soon 11 yrs but has no idea who his dad is yet.  I have been denied grief support groups around this because of the multiple layers of issues & it will never be resolved which I do understand.  Am at such a loss.  No matter the fact of estrangement, he is still my blood, we had a life growing up, one could only hope for reconciliation as we get older in life.  

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Pmarie

Dear Debra L.,

I am going through something similar in not being able to find complete closure with a close death, due to unanswered questions I still have and will likely never know. This makes the grief feel much more complicated and confusing. I hope that, in time, we will be able to make peace with the unknowable and to heal this biting pain. It sounds like your brother led a sadly troubled life and maybe, himself, did not know who he was. It appears he was looking for answers.  I’m not sure if this will make you feel better or not, but I once read that sociopaths rarely commit suicide. There are other personality disorders that can mimic that condition in the Cluster B personality disorders that often involve a lack of a true inner identity. It sounds like he did radical things to try to find himself. Forgive him, he was a troubled soul. Sadly, this was how he found peace. My deep condolences to you.

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Debra L.

Thank you so much for your kind words & thoughts, it is very much appreciated.  Yes I do believe he was searching his whole like for something but ultimately his radical actions didn't fix that either.  He was truly a very sick individual & I take comfort in the fact he is now at peace.  Out of this darkness comes the light of a nephew I will get to reconnect with at some point.  His mom & I were very close but ordered to not have contact, he doesn't know about his dad yet so will get to know him as a friend before an aunt but that is fine by me.  Have truly missed his growing up years but at least can be involved in the rest of his life somehow when the time is right for them.  My condolences to you as well with your loss.  There are just no words.  

 

 

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Pmarie

It seems like there is some kind of light to be found even in the pitch darkness of great tragedy. I hope this is a hopeful beginning of a beautiful and life-long relationship between you and your nephew! He may need you more than you do him. Much love, wisdom, and luck to both of you! As for your brother, I sadly believe some people do exist whose wounds just go way too deep to ever heal, or be understood. May he finally Rest In Peace. Thank you, also, for your kind condolences.

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SSC

Good luck to you Debra.  I agree with Pmarie and you and see your future as an aunt will be the way to reconnect with your brother.  You can have such a positive impact on your nephews life by giving him a part of his dad that he never knew.  Suicide has so many complex layers of grief.  Perhaps having a relationship in any form with your nephew will be healing for the both of you.  

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