Father passed 1-31-19

[Kiera]

I've been having a lot of mixed emotions. My dad was diagnosed with cancer in early 2017 and started chemo that June. I saw him in the beginning of January and he was doing pretty good. I live in another state then he did, and about a week after I got home, he was given six months to live. About a week after that, we were told he had two weeks. I went back up to see him and get him situated in hospice, but once we got there, we were told he had about 24 hours. 

We've known this was coming for a while now, but that obviously hasn't made it any easier. We were so busy planning the funeral and everything after he passed, that I haven't really had much time to think. Now that I'm home and things have settled down, all I can do is think. I've called him at least 5 times a day for the past two years. It's barely been five days since the funeral, and I still keep trying to call him.

I know it still hasn't really hit me, yet. Because it hardly seems real. It's like a bad dream that I can't wake up from, I just keep waiting for his phone call. But I already feel so lost. We didn't always have the greatest relationship, he struggled with a lot of different mental illnesses. But he was basically my best friend. I told him everything. I feel like I don't know what to do with myself anymore, and I know the worst is yet to come.

I have three older siblings, but I feel like I always have to be the strong one. I guess I was just looking for a place where I could talk and vent about things, without really having to worry about hurting everyone else, if that makes sense.

I'm in my mid 20's, and part of me is angry, knowing that my dad won't be there to see me get married, or to see me have children, but part of me knows that I should be grateful for the time I did get to have with him. I just don't know, anymore. 

[SallySpecs]

Hi Kiera, I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad.  It must have been really  hard to deal with his fast decline, and also hard to absorb it. I remember how I didn’t want my mom’s funeral to be over.  If caretaking was over and the funeral was over and I didn’t have funeral stuff to distract me, what exactly was I supposed to be doing ?

  Your post caught my eye, as my dad has stage 4 cancer.  I am definitely experiencing the anticipatory grieving thing.  It sounds like you really made sure to stay close with your dad, even if you were separated by distance. That is so great.   I’m in the same town as my dad, and am doing my best to stay in close contact and help him however I can,  and cherish the time with him.  Like you...well, sort of like you...I’m lots older than you!...but I too have thought about how I won’t have him to walk me down the aisle, if that opportunity were to ever came along for me.    It is hard for me to think about being without someone whose love means so much to me.

i have an older sister who lives 3 hours away.  She wasn’t a participating caregiver with my mom’s long illness and I had a very hard time with her just popping into town to show up for the funeral.   But she is at least calling our dad frequently now.  Anyway...I understand how family can be complicated and yes a safe place to vent is good!

Please know that your loving care of your dad and your relationship with him was surely so meaningful and appreciated by him.  Please also know that your message resonated with me. i remember how things can feel so unreal when someone that we loved isn’t here with us and I know I’m going to have to feel that hurt again.

[Gifre]

My father passed away on Jan 19th. He had stage 4 for 7 years. It was so hard to see him go those last few weeks. I feel horrific guilt that I didn’t arrive sooner or spend more time with him in his final week. I have a toddler and we live in a diffident state but I feel like all of this is cover for the difficulty in watching him die. I just couldn’t take it. I was there for his final day. I wanted to come the day before but my sister didn’t want me to (“it would feel like we’d have to entertain you.”) I wish I hadn’t listened to her. My relationship with my father was so difficult most of the time. It was only in the past year that we’d truly reconciled but I still felt like I was walking on eggshells around him. I don’t know what to do with all of this.


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[Ravens2631]

Hello Keira,

im so sorry to here about your dad, I feel for you. My dad died last April, and having a place to vent is so important. 

After my dad died, someone told me that “it’s a new reality to get accustomed to”. Ain’t that the truth. There were days where I would be in complete denial that my dad was gone and then have a sudden rush of emotions and break down crying. It felt like I was reliving that day over and over. 

I know you’re the strong one in your family but remember your well being is just as important. Take time for yourself and vent when you want. 

 

[Fmf]

On 2/7/2019 at 1:25 AM, Kiera said:

but part of me knows that I should be grateful for the time I did get to have with him.

I am so sorry to hear about your loss.  I lost both my dad and husband within 24 hours of each other- January 29 and 30 of this year. Both deaths were unexpected.  I picked out this part from your post because that is how I am living my life.  I have made the conscious choice to get up every day and remember the memories, the good times we had together. Don't let the anger takeover, believe me I know this is easier said than done.  He will always be a part of you and with you as you go through life cherish that thought.  The part where you said about him not being there to walk you down the aisle- that hit home to me I have two teenage daughters and those kinds of thoughts fill my head. Talk about your dad, about the good memories you have with him.  His spirit is alive in you.  My one daughter who would say had two best friends- her dad and her papa and now has neither has chosen to write in a journal.  It gives her the chance to share the events going on in her life.  I know its not easy and I get the having to be the strong one but its ok not to be and to find your own way to grieve.  

[Lia]

Hi Kiera,

I'm so sorry for your loss, I lost my uncle to cancer around the same time and I completely understand what you've said about not having time to think while organizing funerals, etc. and I also know how hard it can hit you once things settle down. I'm not going to pretend like I have it all figured out, because I'm struggling just like you, but I just wanted to offer you some encouragement and to remind you that you're not alone in this. This forum is filled with people who understand what you're going through and who are rooting for you to get through this! But also I'm sure there are people in your real life who also are rooting for you, so make sure to hold those people close while you work through your grief. 

Our society sets us up to believe that we have to always be "okay" and I think that creates such a huge obstacle to the grieving process since when you lose someone you love, the last thing you feel is "okay". Someone told me the other day to not be ashamed of not being "okay". It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, it means you're a human who's experiencing a loss. You don't have to be the "strong one" if you don't feel up to it because we all need support sometimes. It's not a sign of weakness to accept help. Just take this time for yourself to get in touch with your feelings and take care of yourself first.

Sending you all the best wishes, Kiera. You WILL get through this.

[kasey]

My dad too passed away in January,  its been really hard for me too. my dad passed away from stage 4 kidney cancer, he didnt want to know how long he had to live, he was just trying to get better. it still doesnt feel real. Im so sorry for your pain, im no my late 20s and hes not going to be able to walk me down the aisle or watch my son grow up.