I miss my kitty so much

[Zso]

I lost my kitty about a week ago and I can't stop crying. His name was Munchy. He was not even 2 years old, he had some kind of internal bleeding and the clinic couldn't determine what's wrong and as he was losing so much blood we had to put him to sleep. First they said we have to find an other cat to give him blood, while I was trying to do that about 20 minutes later they told me that it's too late, he wouldn't survive even like that. It happened so fast and I still can't believe that he is gone. He died in my arms and I will always remember the feeling when his little body became heavier as he died. I can't stop blaming myself for his death, I was supposed to take care of him and I promised him that he will feel better but he died. I'm staying with family at the moment and I can't bear the thought of going home to my empty flat. He was so young and I loved him so much, I don't know how will I get through this, the pain is just too much. He was my little baby. I hope he knew how much I loved him and I wish I could be with him right now. I'm not really religious but I hope there's a place we will meet again so I can hug him and kiss his little head. I don't know if I'll ever stop blaming myself, I just hope that he can forgive me for not being the best mommy I could. 

Goodbye my tiny baby, I never loved anything as much as I loved you and I never will. I will always remember your little meow and how you pushed your little forehead to mine and your little body curling up next to me in bed. There's a huge emptiness now in me that will never be filled and so much pain that will never go away. I miss you. 

[AJWCat]

Oh my gosh, I am SO heartbroken to read about your sweet kitty. He is so cute. I am so very sorry for your loss. I imagine you are in shock. (I lost my cat very suddenly too, although we'd had him 10 years.) And he was 15 since we got him when he was 5. But we lost him in 2 hours time from something, we are not sure what - that made his organs fail.  

All I can say, and I know it is of little comfort, is that you gave Munchy  two wonderful years with you - and you were there at the end to hold him. He was not without you.  I really wish there were more I could say to ease your pain. I promise you that it will not always feel this bad. It will ease. But it's going to take some time and some tears. You just take it day by day. Please come back here and write more if you need to, I sure did - page after page to get out my angst and all my feelings. Again, so so sorry.  

   

[Zso]

59 minutes ago, AJWCat said:

Oh my gosh, I am SO heartbroken to read about your sweet kitty. He is so cute. I am so very sorry for your loss. I imagine you are in shock. (I lost my cat very suddenly too, although we'd had him 10 years.) And he was 15 since we got him when he was 5. But we lost him in 2 hours time from something, we are not sure what - that made his organs fail.  

All I can say, and I know it is of little comfort, is that you gave Munchy  two wonderful years with you - and you were there at the end to hold him. He was not without you.  I really wish there were more I could say to ease your pain. I promise you that it will not always feel this bad. It will ease. But it's going to take some time and some tears. You just take it day by day. Please come back here and write more if you need to, I sure did - page after page to get out my angst and all my feelings. Again, so so sorry.  

   

Thank you so much for that, it means a lot. I'm very sorry about your kitty, that must've been incredibly painful as well. It's unbelievable how much we can love our little babies, I never would've imagined this pain I'm feeling now and I lost plenty of family members during my life. Somehow the fact that he relied on me and I was supposed to protect him makes it so much worse. I just can't deal with the guilt. 

[AJWCat]

I know. I haven't had many people die in my life, but losing our cat truth be told, was the worst. 

And you are right, they are so innocent. Please, let the guilt go. You did nothing wrong. I took my cat to a vacation house and he got into something there. I had awful guilt and anger for it happening at all. I finally reached some acceptance. It's almost like I had no choice. You just get exhausted with carrying around all the emotions. And time helps. I still miss him. I come here to read and respond like I was helped and because I know the sadness, the missing them so so much that your heart aches.   

[Zso]

You are a really good human being, just the fact that there are people out there with so much love like you, makes the world a little bit less dark right now. I do wish that I can forgive myself one day, but that day is far away I think. Right now it's just pain and emptiness. 

[+Jeffrey+]

Zso, I too am sorry for your loss. Munchy is a handsome cat. I lost my sweet cat, Lady G., back on January 14 of this year. I'm still not over it. Sure, the pain may lessen with time, but I will never get over losing her. I've gotten upset thinking about her every single day. That little girl meant the world to me. Those who have never owned a loving pet, just cannot understand the pain one goes through, after losing one. I know over time our pain will lessen, but until then, it's extremely difficult. We must hang in there, though. Our little friends wouldn't want us to be sad for ever.

 

And AJWCat is right, you quit feeling guilty. You absolutely did nothing wrong. You only tried to help your cat. You loved him dearly, and that is obvious to us all.

Please hang in there. It will get better, just give it some time.

[KayC]

On 2/6/2019 at 5:54 AM, Zso said:

I can't stop blaming myself for his death, I was supposed to take care of him and I promised him that he will feel better but he died.

I am so so sorry for the premature loss of your kitty, so unfair!  Unfortunately life (and death) IS unfair and some things so hard to accept.  You are not to blame for this, there is nothing normal about a two year old cat bleeding out, something was very wrong, perhaps something Munchy was born with, that does NOT make it your fault.

And you don't have to be religious to believe in heaven or afterlife...I have literally died and been brought back to life twice and I can tell you, our spirit continues even without our bodies.  So many people have recounted similar experiences!  
I was just reading this today:
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/06/pet-loss-do-pets-go-to-heaven.html

I want to share with you these articles because guilt is a common grief feeling...it does not mean you ARE guilty!  It's like we're looking at all the what ifs and trying to come up with a different possible ending, but there is none but what took place and you do not have the ability to change it nor did you have the ability to avert it.

my personal favorite: http://media.wix.com/ugd/0dd4a5_e934e7f92d104d31bcb334d6c6d63974.pdf

and this one: http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml

[AJWCat]

I totally understand. I can't talk you out of pain and emptiness. Nothing any of us can say here changes that. We all go through it and we come out the other side, changed from the loss. My heart will never be the same after losing our cat especially the way we did. 

I am able now though, to remember how adorable he was, how much we loved him and I focus on that rather than the end. (Which the end was all I thought about for months.)  

You will get there but it does take time. 

[Zso]

On 2/7/2019 at 3:34 AM, +Jeffrey+ said:

Zso, I too am sorry for your loss. Munchy is a handsome cat. I lost my sweet cat, Lady G., back on January 14 of this year. I'm still not over it. Sure, the pain may lessen with time, but I will never get over losing her. I've gotten upset thinking about her every single day. That little girl meant the world to me. Those who have never owned a loving pet, just cannot understand the pain one goes through, after losing one. I know over time our pain will lessen, but until then, it's extremely difficult. We must hang in there, though. Our little friends wouldn't want us to be sad for ever.

 

And AJWCat is right, you quit feeling guilty. You absolutely did nothing wrong. You only tried to help your cat. You loved him dearly, and that is obvious to us all.

Please hang in there. It will get better, just give it some time.

Thank you for your words. I try to not blame myself but it is incredibly hard, I'm just going through those days in my head over and over, what did I do wrong, what did I not see, why did we return to the vet on the afternoon only not on the morning. I was on a holiday for 2 weeks before this happened and my friend said he was fine, and that was my impression the day I got home as well, it started the next day, but what if I didn't go and I might have noticed little signs sooner that my friend maybe didn't. I can't stop thinking of him, seeing his little face whenever I close my eyes. I feel like I abandoned him and I can't forgive myself. What if the vet was wrong when I took him there the first day, he got so much worse after that, what if I take him to an other vet and this doesn't happen, so many what ifs. I know that life goes on and I should remember the good things and I do, but I just can't stop feeling like this is not fair, my tiny baby didn't deserve to die after only 2 years. He should've had many years with me, curling up next to me under the blanket while I watch movies, annoying me with running around at 4am, meowing for treats whenever I go to the kitchen. I can't believe that he's gone and that I can't kiss his little fluffy belly ever again. I don't want to feel better because he can't be better, I don't want to eat because he can't eat anymore. My flat is so empty and sad, I cry everytime I get home and he's not there waiting for me. I am sorry about your kitty, I read your post as well. She was a very lucky cat to have someone love her so so much. 

[KayC]

I do hope you have read the articles I linked and that they are of comfort to you, knowing you are not alone in how you are feeling, this is common in grief...remembering that feeling guilty does not mean you ARE guilty or that you've earned that.

I'm a Christian and having read the Bible it does talk about feasts in heaven, also about animals being there, so I like to think that maybe they ARE enjoying eating!  Anyway, just a thought...

[Zso]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

I do hope you have read the articles I linked and that they are of comfort to you, knowing you are not alone in how you are feeling, this is common in grief...remembering that feeling guilty does not mean you ARE guilty or that you've earned that.

I'm a Christian and having read the Bible it does talk about feasts in heaven, also about animals being there, so I like to think that maybe they ARE enjoying eating!  Anyway, just a thought...

I'm sorry, I mixed up the 2 posts, I somehow thought they are from the same person. I was thanking you for the articles. 

I have read them and I am keep on reading everything I find in hope of something helping me through the pain. 

It has very hard and I still cry all the time when I think of him  but I understand that it is part of the healing process. I hope you feel a little bit better, thank you for helping so many people here. 

[Zso]

On 2/8/2019 at 5:41 PM, AJWCat said:

I totally understand. I can't talk you out of pain and emptiness. Nothing any of us can say here changes that. We all go through it and we come out the other side, changed from the loss. My heart will never be the same after losing our cat especially the way we did. 

I am able now though, to remember how adorable he was, how much we loved him and I focus on that rather than the end. (Which the end was all I thought about for months.)  

You will get there but it does take time. 

I hope you will find a way to heal as well.i am keep on playing his last 2 days in my head, trying to find what I missed or what could I change,even though I know that I can't. Your words give me hope that maybe one day I won't feel that way, blaming myself for his death. 

[Zso]

On 2/7/2019 at 3:34 AM, +Jeffrey+ said:

Zso, I too am sorry for your loss. Munchy is a handsome cat. I lost my sweet cat, Lady G., back on January 14 of this year. I'm still not over it. Sure, the pain may lessen with time, but I will never get over losing her. I've gotten upset thinking about her every single day. That little girl meant the world to me. Those who have never owned a loving pet, just cannot understand the pain one goes through, after losing one. I know over time our pain will lessen, but until then, it's extremely difficult. We must hang in there, though. Our little friends wouldn't want us to be sad for ever.

 

And AJWCat is right, you quit feeling guilty. You absolutely did nothing wrong. You only tried to help your cat. You loved him dearly, and that is obvious to us all.

Please hang in there. It will get better, just give it some time.

Thank you Jeffrey. I saw your post about your adorable kitty, she looked like she was incredibly happy and appreciated. I hope you know that she must've felt like the happiest cat ever. This is all I wish to know that my Munchy knew how much I loved him but I'll never be sure. His last 2 days were just so horrible, running to the doctor both days and bringing him to the clinic on the second day. He was so afraid outside and he didn't know what's going on. I just have this terrible feeling that he felt like I'm punishing him for something, taking him away from his home and bringing him to these strange places where he gets poked and grabbed and examined. He just looked at me at the end with so much sadness and I wish he would've died at home with me, feeling safe and loved, not in a room, in a clinic where he was so afraid. I wish he would've understood that I tried everything and i did this because I loved him,but there's no way that he could've known. 

[+Jeffrey+]

3 hours ago, Zso said:

Thank you Jeffrey. I saw your post about your adorable kitty, she looked like she was incredibly happy and appreciated. I hope you know that she must've felt like the happiest cat ever. This is all I wish to know that my Munchy knew how much I loved him but I'll never be sure. His last 2 days were just so horrible, running to the doctor both days and bringing him to the clinic on the second day. He was so afraid outside and he didn't know what's going on. I just have this terrible feeling that he felt like I'm punishing him for something, taking him away from his home and bringing him to these strange places where he gets poked and grabbed and examined. He just looked at me at the end with so much sadness and I wish he would've died at home with me, feeling safe and loved, not in a room, in a clinic where he was so afraid. I wish he would've understood that I tried everything and i did this because I loved him,but there's no way that he could've known. 

Zso, you were only trying to do what was best for Munchy. We would have done the same for our dear, little friends. He knew you loved him dearly. Don't you ever forget that.

I hope you find comfort in the days ahead. Wishing you all the best, Zso.

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Zso said:

It has very hard and I still cry all the time when I think of him  but I understand that it is part of the healing process.

Yes, it does take much time to process our grief, to heal, I pray your tears are cathartic, they do have purpose as they give place to relieving the pain inside us.  I wish none of us ever had to suffer loss...oh for the day when we're together again and never more to part!

[AJWCat]

Hi @Zso just wanted to comment on you playing out the last 2 days for Munchy in your mind. I did that as well - the last few hours. And what might have led up to it. I almost drove myself mad, but I was crazy with grief anyway. 

It will settle with time - because there was nothing for you to do - but also, try to not let yourself go there. Try to remember you were there with him to comfort him and really, to ease suffering he might have had if he'd been home alone without you for example. It breaks my heart he was so young. So many things can't be explained. Why do little kids get cancer? It's not fair - but you gave him a wonderful life while he was with you. I am so very sorry.    

[Zso]

It's been 5 weeks since Munchy died and it's been incredibly hard on me. All I do when I don't have to work is sit at home and watch TV and cry. It feels like there's a hole in my life and nothing can fill it. My friends annoy me even though they're just trying to be nice, I hate work because I have to pretend that I'm fine (I work as a receptionist) and I'm just angry at everything. It's been sunny the last couple of weeks, the last cold days were when he died and even though I love the sun, when I feel the warmth on my face all I can think of is how much he loved it and how happy he'd be laying in the middle of the room in a sunny spot. It just all feels so unfair, everything I do just makes me think of him, how he should be here with me and how empty my life is without him. I'm still going through his last days in my head, looking for the thing I missed or done wrong, not sure that I'll ever able to put these thoughts out of my head. I miss him so much and nothing seems to ease the pain. He was just a little baby, and he didn't deserve to die. 

I love you so much my tiny Munchy, I wish I could be with you right now. 

[Zso]

On 2/17/2019 at 2:13 PM, AJWCat said:

Hi @Zso just wanted to comment on you playing out the last 2 days for Munchy in your mind. I did that as well - the last few hours. And what might have led up to it. I almost drove myself mad, but I was crazy with grief anyway. 

It will settle with time - because there was nothing for you to do - but also, try to not let yourself go there. Try to remember you were there with him to comfort him and really, to ease suffering he might have had if he'd been home alone without you for example. It breaks my heart he was so young. So many things can't be explained. Why do little kids get cancer? It's not fair - but you gave him a wonderful life while he was with you. I am so very sorry.    

Thank you, I'm trying really hard but I can't stop blaming myself. I can't stop thinking that he would still be fine if he would've never met me. Somehow maybe an other family would've done a better job at taking care of him. I know I shouldnt think of this, but I can't help it. 

[KayC]

I just don't see how you can think this is your fault and keep blaming yourself.  Look at the pictures, see how content and happy he looks.  You gave him a good life, he just had something wrong and it would have occurred no matter who his owner was.  It's not fair that some get to live long lives while others are cut short, but that is what happens...my husband and I found each other in our mid-forties, we got married and he just had his 51st birthday and five days later he was dead.  Other live into their 80s and 90s and get to grow old together, nothing fair about it, but it's life or should I say death.  Nothing we can do to change it although we'd fiercely like to!  

I hope you read the articles I posted for you above, maybe re-read them again and let them sink in.  I know guilt and what-ifs are part of grief, I think most of us wonder them in our grief but the truth is, they would have died and we aren't God that we can stop it, if a vet can't help, what makes us think we can?  We think love conquers all, but not certain things, we can't stop death when it's coming for someone...but we can hold them in our hearts until we can be with them again.

We haven't the sun yet, just snow, snow, snow, hoping it'll come soon. Try to remember how much he loved the sun and honor him with that memory in your heart.  Perhaps he's looking down from heaven and enjoying seeing the sun...

[+Jeffrey+]

8 hours ago, Zso said:

It's been 5 weeks since Munchy died and it's been incredibly hard on me. All I do when I don't have to work is sit at home and watch TV and cry. It feels like there's a hole in my life and nothing can fill it. My friends annoy me even though they're just trying to be nice, I hate work because I have to pretend that I'm fine (I work as a receptionist) and I'm just angry at everything. It's been sunny the last couple of weeks, the last cold days were when he died and even though I love the sun, when I feel the warmth on my face all I can think of is how much he loved it and how happy he'd be laying in the middle of the room in a sunny spot. It just all feels so unfair, everything I do just makes me think of him, how he should be here with me and how empty my life is without him. I'm still going through his last days in my head, looking for the thing I missed or done wrong, not sure that I'll ever able to put these thoughts out of my head. I miss him so much and nothing seems to ease the pain. He was just a little baby, and he didn't deserve to die. 

I love you so much my tiny Munchy, I wish I could be with you right now. 

Awwww, that's an adorable picture of Munchy! And I know you're still hurting, and miss him like crazy. The 14th of this month will be 2 months since I lost my Lady G. And I'm just as upset now, as I was the day I lost her. This has been as difficult for me as anything in my life. We were so close, and had so much fun together. I think of her all the time. It's hard for me not to. So many lovely reminders of her around the house and yard. 

Zso, I really hope you get to feeling a little better soon. You hang in there.

 

[AJWCat]

I don't like to scare people here and make them seem like you don't heal, but you do... that said, I also took many many weeks. We lost our cat on Aug 12 and we left the place we were staying with him about 2 month later. I was still pretty devastated. It really does take time. I wish it didn't but it's how much we love them. Munchy is so adorable you gave him such a good life. 

[apmy41]

Hi, Zso- just wanted to reach out and let you know what a sweet, precious angel Munchy is. So cute! He was incredibly lucky to have had you. And for you to be there with him like you were. I’m not sure whether this was answered, but were you able to keep his remains? I’ve dealt with similar guilt, wondering what I could have done differently. But what it comes down to is that we are human and we deeply love our pets and we all do our very best for them. Which is exactly what you did. I just lost my angel Wednesday but I’ve been trying to find comfort in the hope we are able to reunite with them. What a gift you were to Munchy. 

[AJWCat]

@apmy41 - I am so sorry for your loss. You can post your own thread here and tell us about your sweet angel if you'd like. I hope you are doing okay, the first few days and weeks without them are incredibly painful and nothing can fully prepare you. This is a wonderful place to get support though. We all love our pets so so much and the loss is something profound that takes a while to deal with. 

[apmy41]

You know, I actually think I might just do that. Thank you. I appreciate the kind words. A lot.