Still feeling guilty over darling Lola's death

[bambina]

Nov 29, 2018. The night I came home from work and found precious little teacup Pomeranian Lola dead on the floor, having been killed by a dog I had rescued the month prior. As I had mentioned previously, they had been together for 2 weeks with no hint of agression from my rescue dog, so I was stunned and horrified when I found her little body lifeless on my dining room floor. Her owner has been very kind and doesn't blame me, but I still blame myself, and Lola's image haunts me. Even though she wasn't technically my dog, I had dog sat her for years and loved her as if she were my own, so I'm grieving and still feeling guilty. I know it's a process, but it's hard to forgive myself. I still have the other dog, who is very very sweet with people. Trying really hard to rehome her into a place with no other pets, but no luck thus far.  In addition, another outdoor cat that I'd been feeding, who started showing up as a kitten this summer, right after my bf died suddenly, was attacked by my neighbor's dog early Sunday morning. I could hear him screaming from my window. Pipkin apparently hopped the fence, but hasn't been seen since. I have no idea if he is even still alive or was mortally wounded. I have lost a total of 5 outdoor cats I'd been feeding since August, either through being killed or having to be euthanized, including my very favorite one, Zooky.  I think all the loss over the years has just made struggle. Losing my mom four years ago to a pulmonary embolism was the worst thing i'd ever experienced. Losing my boyfriend Brian to an aortic aneurysm in June was horrible, but I've been slowly recovering. And having Lola be killed under my care was so horrific that I'm not sure when I will ever recover for that. But I'm trying. Just trying to stay busy, which is key. 

[KayC]

Oh Hon, my heart goes out to you, you've had a lot you're going through.  Losing your BF was enough, but then your dog, and the latest this cat...I'm sure that's brought it all back to you.  I wish there were some way you could know how the cat is.  You've lost a lot. 

I wrote this article of what I've learned following my husband's death and hope something in it is of help to you either now or at some point down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[AJWCat]

Hey, I remember your story. You will recover from what happened with Lola. It's just not going to be fast or easy - because you are such a good person and an animal lover. All the more why I hope you continue to work on personal forgiveness. I am glad that you posted again. You have to continue to share and get support for all of this loss.