Speechless by 17...

[meganm]

I lost my mother when I was 7 due to bone marrow cancer. At the time, I was not aware of what was actually going on. I lost a lot of my memory from when I was born to about 12 because I blocked everything out. I am now 21 years old and still have little to no memory of that time. At about 12, I began seeing my female friends grow up with their moms and I became very jealous. I got depressed and angry. It was no one's fault. I just wanted my mom. I did not think it was too much to ask for as a 12 year old starting puberty and life in general. 

I never learned how to grieve from her death because I did not have time to and I was not allowed. I lived with an abusive, alcoholic father who hated me because I resembled my mother. I was afraid to be in my own house because of this. I look a lot like my mother, and it caused my father to resent me. I spent a lot of my time locked in my room trying to make sense of everything, but I was so conflicted. I thought that if I thought about my mother's death, I would somehow be punished for it. I would secretly cry in the shower. I never talked to anyone about it, because people would always look at me like I had some sort of disease. No one wanted to talk about death because they had never dealt with it. I was alone and to myself most of my life. I did a lot of extracurricular activities in high school to make my dad notice me, but he was too drunk to care. I started excelling and doing more activities because it kept my mind off of things and, more importantly, kept me from my house. This pattern continued until I turned 17. 

I never once felt like my dad ever truly loved me as a daughter. To me, he saw me as a punching bag for his depression. It was his way of getting over my mother's death. That and alcohol. However, that changed when I found my father dead in his bed. At 17, I walked in on what I thought was the end of MY life. The only parent I had left, left me for good. His death was a sudden heart attack. I handled his death differently. Although I thought I had all this hate for my dad, those next months said otherwise. I had never been so depressed, so empty in my life. I did not say a single word to anyone for two whole months. I went to school, did my work, and went home. I quit everything I participated in. I rarely ate. I slept as soon as I got home from school and I woke up when it was time to get ready for school the next day. I realized the silence I was just building more and more anger inside of me. I was a 17 year old with no parents and I couldn't even speak. I was speechless. 

Here I am now at 21 and I still have times where I do not speak. I still have not opened up about either of my parent's deaths. If I try, it usually results in people saying "The only reason you can not get over it is because you do not allow yourself to". That could be true, however, I would love to get over it because it causes me so much pain and sadness. I do not think anyone WANTS to feel that way almost every day of their life. Life is hard at times, but I still wake up and fill the void with pointless activities and college and work. I put on my pretty fake smile, fill my head with words I do not wish to speak, cover my swollen eyes with concealer, and dress my broken heart with clothes. 

[reader]

Dear Megan,

I am so sorry to hear about everything you have been through. It is a lot for a young person to cope with and to make sense of.

If you want to, maybe consider grief counselling or joining a support group through the community or church.

Please know you are not alone and we are all with you. It is tough. I think so many of us put on fake smiles. But know that there is also support and encouragement out there. I also found these websites helpful.

Grief in Common

What's Your Grief

Grief Healing Blog

Grief Share

Grief Recovery Method.

Thinking of you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.

[jbcharles91]

I was 19 when I lost both of my parents. My Dad, who was a raging alcoholic at 16 (2014), and then my mom to COPD at 19 (2017). Both died in March around the same date and this time of year really messes with me. I am now 21 and go to college but these past 4 days I haven't gotten out of bed because the pain is so bad. I wonder if it is because I repress it, and a lot of times I don't allow people to see the pain. It doesn't help that no one around me has a similar experience, so it sometimes feels isolating. If I do open up, I feel like a burden. So for me the pain isn't even the worst part, it's the isolation.