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How do you continue without them


BlueRabbit

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I lost my mom about a month ago. She had a heart attack out of the blue. Her and my dad we’re heading to the hospital because she woke up feeling wrong and they knew it was her heart. Five minutes away from the hospital she had the heart attack. Dad tried doing cpr and the car behind him called an ambulance. It took 20-40minutes to restart her heart.  Too long.

She was in the hospital for a week.  First they induced a coma and cooled her body for optimal brain healing conditions. We had a never ending waiting game. First we waited for her body to cool. Then we waited for her body to warm back up. Then we waited for her to wake up. She never did.  Then we waited for the neurologist to tell us if she had any brain function. She did but not much. They wanted us to keep waiting.  

Then they said there was no quality of life.  We decided to take her off life support so she could donate her organs. We waited for them to find recipients.  We said goodbye. We wait for her to stop breathing. She didn’t. She kept breathing on her own and she “expired” meaning she couldn’t donate.  We kept waiting for her to die and she kept going.  How cruel that her heart is in such good condition now that her brain is gone.  

We kept waiting for her to die.  Wishing for her to die. That made the whole thing worse. She meant the world to me and there I was wishing for her death because the alternative was so much worse. No quality of life.  Then we decided we needed to get home (she was 2hrs from home when she had the heart attack). We got to wait even longer because nobody knew what the hell they were doing and apparently they don’t have to transfer hospice patients very often.

 Eventually we got her to a hospice back home and she passed early the next morning. The waiting was finally over. But it isn’t over. I’m still waiting for it to feel real. It felt like a never ending nightmare. I was only there for a week but sitting in the hospital WAITING felt like months.  Now it’s been a month and it still doesn’t seem real. She was only 55. I’m only 22. 

I wasn’t going to go into any of those details when I got on here.  That isn’t what I thought I came here for.  I don’t know how to go on.  I thought it would set in and I’d be devastated for a while but it didn’t. My heart felt like it had been ripped out the entire week we were at the hospital. When she finally passed I just felt numb.  And now it’s been a month and I don’t feel numb anymore but it still doesn’t feel real. 

At first I really wanted to grieve and be miserable and then after a while I thought I’d be able to just move on. That didn’t happen.  I honestly feel normal now. The thought that she’s gone pops in my head multiple times a day and now I push it away because I really don’t want to think about it. I’ve always believed that when you go through something you should deal with it and talk about it and then you’ll feel better.  That’s all I wanted a few weeks ago. I wanted it to just feel real so I could start to recover. And it didn’t happen and now I don’t want it to. I don’t want to have those feelings and I know I should but I just can’t deal with it now. 

So that’s where I’m at. I’m actively trying not to think about it.  I just graduated and finished student teaching. So I had to stop working so that I could student teach so I don’t have a job. I’m on the sub list but I’ve been on the list for 2 weeks and I haven’t subbed once. I’m in the process of getting on another sub list and I just don’t know what to do in the meantime because part of me doesn’t want there to be any calls to sub in the morning and part of me knows that working is the best thing for me right now.

Ultimately it isn’t up to me because if I got a call I’d take the job. But with how it’s been going I’m 87% sure I won’t work in the morning. And I’d like to get up early and have a productive day anyways but I just don’t have the motivation to get up.  I stay up late and sleep in until 9:30-10 every day and I know that isn’t super late but it’s super late for me. I used to be a morning person. Mornings were my favorite. I’d get up early and have coffee with my mom and we’d watch my rabbit hop around the living room and we’d listen to music and just talk. And I could go to my dad’s and have coffee but I can’t get my assist of bed earlier than 9:30. I set alarms and I just turn them off and go back to bed. I just hate not feeling like myself. And I just don’t feel like myself without her. Not all the time. During the day I’m fine but most nights I hate what I’m doing ( not doing) with my life and I don’t know what to do.

 I think I’d feel better if I’d just get up early but I just can’t seem to do it. For a while I tried going to my boyfriend’s house for coffee but I think I only went there twice. He meant well when he offered to have me over before work but he is not a morning person. And even if he was it wouldn’t have been the same as coffee with my mom. 

Okay... that was way too long.  Is anyone still reading? I guess it doesn’t really matter. I feel a little better just talking about it. But if you did read the whole thing what do you think? Any advice? Thanks. 

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Hi Blue Rabbit,
Yes, I read every word you wrote :)
How do we continue without them? My answer is because I have to. I have to live each day I wakeup. That's what I tell myself. I "have to" until I am allowed to go join them.
It's only been a month for you. This is the really, really, really awful stage. It gets better with time. I was a zombie for the first 1.5 years. I looked alive but inside I was nothing.
Then I started filling in my life with new things and slowly slowly, life felt better again. But not good.
I still miss my parents every day. I keep remember the way it used to be. It will never be the same again.
But we must keep living. That's what your mother would want you to do.
Are you able to have a holiday? My advice is to take it easy for awhile if you can. Just let those awful feelings do whatever they want to do while you just veg out, take it easy. This is if you can, some people can't cuz they have commitments like kids and finance.
I also talk to my mother before I go to sleep. I pretend she can hear me. I tell her all the things I would have told her if she was still alive.
Sending you lots and lots of hugs XOXOX

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Dear BlueRabbit,

My deepest sympathies and condolences. I am so sorry for your loss. Please know there is no right way or wrong way to grieve. And your feelings and thoughts are normal part of grief. Losing a parent is very raw time and it does take a toll on our daily routine. Its only been a month so continue be gentle with yourself. From what I have read it could take a year or more to find our footing again. There is also additional supports from these websites:

Grief in Common

What's Your Grief

Grief Healing Blog

GriefShare

Grief Recovery Method.

Thinking of you. Please know we are all with you.

 

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Lostnbroken13

I know exactly what you feel like. The exact thing happened to my mom. The heart attack the lack of oxygen to her brain the cooling and heating of her body and no quality of life.
I know the sadness your feeling my mom passed oct 25th and
Everytime I realize it’s real I can’t breathe I struggle every day. She was my absolute best friend and I’m lost. If you ever want to talk just let me know.
You have your dad for strength.


Missing her [emoji22]

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