Members Guilty Posted February 2, 2019 Members Report Share Posted February 2, 2019 Dear Lacey, Am i writing this letter asking for forgiveness or just in the hope that the words I write, you hear,someway, somehow? Maybe it's a bit of both. Only 5 hours ago, you left all our hearts very much broken when you took your last breath. Your life runs through my head like a movie, all the times I've seen you smile, all the times I've seen you play and all the times you gave me & my family unconditional love and affection. You were the daughter I never had and my son's very best friend but i took you for granted, I didn't give you the love and affection you deserved and you deserved it by the bucket load! Most days id ignore your excited tail wag, as I walk through the door after a 9hr shift, I'd just walk right past and think, what a day ive had, never realising you've been waiting 9hrs to see me, 9hrs for some company. I'd just feed you and my job as a dog owner was done. I guess after 12 years together, the past 6, I put you last but that didn't mean I loved you any less then the day I fell in love with you. Family happend, growing up happend,stresses of being an adult happend and I guess I just thought ud always be there in the background. I've always been watching, I watched you make my son smile, just by walking in the room, I've watched you make my son laugh just by laying on top of him and I also saw you make my son cry when you wouldn't lay in bed with him and be his monster protector. I never rewarded you for your perfect personality, your babysitting duties or your sense of humour and for that I am truly sorry. You was taken so quickly that I never really had the chance to tell you that I'm sorry or ask for you to forgive me? 2 days, 2 days you were ill, then you was gone! I'm so angry, so confused, so heartbroken to even think straight! Your just running through my mind, every minute, every second. I should have treated you better, paid you more attention, thanked you for being my son's best friend and now I don't have that chance, i dont get to tell you how absoloutly perfect you was and I will never forgive myself. All I want to do is make it right but how? When I take on another best friend for my son, do I treat it better? Will it show you that ive learned from you? See me being more affectionate and rewarding, will it show you that ive realised that life is short and if your going to love, love hard. If your going to show affection, show it at every opportunity? Or will you be watching me in shock that all that I'm giving, I never gave to you??? Can you even see me? Is there a heaven, is there an after life,are you even hearing what im trying to say? I hope you can see, I hope you see the thousands of tears ive cried for you, the emotional outbursts I have, when I realise im never going to see you again, you need to know that you meant the world to me, even though I very rarely showed it. I can't beleive your gone, I always pictured you by my side, when I retired to cottage with massis of land for you to run around, even though thats impossible as im only 34 but its you I pictured in every future dream I had, and i think it will always be you. can you ever forgive me...? Yes probably as you have forgiven me for all my other past crimes but i don't think I will ever forgive myself and I dont deserve too. I'm so so so so sorry that you was a perfect dog and I was a less then perfect owner. I have the pain in your eyes burnt into my soul and with every blink I see them. I'm sorry I couldn't fix you, I'm sorry it came to this. I just need you to know how sorry I am. Love you always K Dear lacey Day 1. We're the clouds a shade of pink this morning because of you, is it a sign from you to tell me you love me too? Or am I just looking for signs I will never get? I keep looking to the sky's for hope, hope that you will send me a sign to say you're ok, you're happy, you're pain free but i think ile be looking for something that's never going to come. I've done the thing ive dreaded since I went to bed last night, I came down this morning to find that it's real, you're not here. I've walked through the kitchen to find your bowls empty on the worktop, no pitter patter from your hot stepping feet,waiting for me to feed you. I want to scream at the world but instead im screaming inside bcos either way, no1 will hear me, no1 really cares. I've never seen death, not known any1 close thats died, not been affected by loss, you, you were a dog and you've torn my heart to pieces, made my mind not function and uve made me hope more then ever that there's something after death because I don't want your life to end with nothingness, I don't want you to be alone, I don't want you be scared and it's these things that scare me the most. What am I supposed to do now? What? Am i supposed to choose what happens with your souless body? Do I bring you home, where you should be and accept whats going to happen to you when your in the ground or do i cremate you? I don't want to picture your body burning!! Either way, it's got to be my decision because you was mine and to be honest, other people are to scared to answer for me, even though none of the choices I would agree with anyway. Apparently there are stages of grieving, well today im angry!! im furious at the world and everyone in it! I'm angry at the fact that it's a beautiful day but it shouldn't be because you're not In it, how dare the sun shine so bright on my darkest day! Just another way for the world to kick me in the....... If i could have just one more day. Stop the world, I want to get off Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Geoff Posted February 2, 2019 Members Report Share Posted February 2, 2019 I am so sorry to here about the loss of you beautiful girl please do no blame yourself when things happen quick like this we always think we could have done more this is natural and I understand your feelings I have been there myself.i really don't know what else to say but I will say we all feel your pain and your not alone . Geoff Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 3, 2019 Moderators Report Share Posted February 3, 2019 K, I am so sorry for your loss. As Geoff said, these feelings are part of grief, so common, we always think we should have done more, we want one more chance to do it right. I believe they know we love them, they were always good at picking up on our feelings. I believe all dogs go to heaven, how would it be heaven otherwise! And kitties too, all these wonderful creatures God gave us to love and take care of. Praying you'll find some peace and comfort when you get the remains back, knowing they are in the place that brought the most comfort, even while their soul has traveled to meet other dogs and play while you are awaited for that last rejoining. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Zso Posted February 7, 2019 Members Report Share Posted February 7, 2019 On 2/2/2019 at 8:18 PM, Guilty said: Dear Lacey, Am i writing this letter asking for forgiveness or just in the hope that the words I write, you hear,someway, somehow? Maybe it's a bit of both. Only 5 hours ago, you left all our hearts very much broken when you took your last breath. Your life runs through my head like a movie, all the times I've seen you smile, all the times I've seen you play and all the times you gave me & my family unconditional love and affection. You were the daughter I never had and my son's very best friend but i took you for granted, I didn't give you the love and affection you deserved and you deserved it by the bucket load! Most days id ignore your excited tail wag, as I walk through the door after a 9hr shift, I'd just walk right past and think, what a day ive had, never realising you've been waiting 9hrs to see me, 9hrs for some company. I'd just feed you and my job as a dog owner was done. I guess after 12 years together, the past 6, I put you last but that didn't mean I loved you any less then the day I fell in love with you. Family happend, growing up happend,stresses of being an adult happend and I guess I just thought ud always be there in the background. I've always been watching, I watched you make my son smile, just by walking in the room, I've watched you make my son laugh just by laying on top of him and I also saw you make my son cry when you wouldn't lay in bed with him and be his monster protector. I never rewarded you for your perfect personality, your babysitting duties or your sense of humour and for that I am truly sorry. You was taken so quickly that I never really had the chance to tell you that I'm sorry or ask for you to forgive me? 2 days, 2 days you were ill, then you was gone! I'm so angry, so confused, so heartbroken to even think straight! Your just running through my mind, every minute, every second. I should have treated you better, paid you more attention, thanked you for being my son's best friend and now I don't have that chance, i dont get to tell you how absoloutly perfect you was and I will never forgive myself. All I want to do is make it right but how? When I take on another best friend for my son, do I treat it better? Will it show you that ive learned from you? See me being more affectionate and rewarding, will it show you that ive realised that life is short and if your going to love, love hard. If your going to show affection, show it at every opportunity? Or will you be watching me in shock that all that I'm giving, I never gave to you??? Can you even see me? Is there a heaven, is there an after life,are you even hearing what im trying to say? I hope you can see, I hope you see the thousands of tears ive cried for you, the emotional outbursts I have, when I realise im never going to see you again, you need to know that you meant the world to me, even though I very rarely showed it. I can't beleive your gone, I always pictured you by my side, when I retired to cottage with massis of land for you to run around, even though thats impossible as im only 34 but its you I pictured in every future dream I had, and i think it will always be you. can you ever forgive me...? Yes probably as you have forgiven me for all my other past crimes but i don't think I will ever forgive myself and I dont deserve too. I'm so so so so sorry that you was a perfect dog and I was a less then perfect owner. I have the pain in your eyes burnt into my soul and with every blink I see them. I'm sorry I couldn't fix you, I'm sorry it came to this. I just need you to know how sorry I am. Love you always K Dear lacey Day 1. We're the clouds a shade of pink this morning because of you, is it a sign from you to tell me you love me too? Or am I just looking for signs I will never get? I keep looking to the sky's for hope, hope that you will send me a sign to say you're ok, you're happy, you're pain free but i think ile be looking for something that's never going to come. I've done the thing ive dreaded since I went to bed last night, I came down this morning to find that it's real, you're not here. I've walked through the kitchen to find your bowls empty on the worktop, no pitter patter from your hot stepping feet,waiting for me to feed you. I want to scream at the world but instead im screaming inside bcos either way, no1 will hear me, no1 really cares. I've never seen death, not known any1 close thats died, not been affected by loss, you, you were a dog and you've torn my heart to pieces, made my mind not function and uve made me hope more then ever that there's something after death because I don't want your life to end with nothingness, I don't want you to be alone, I don't want you be scared and it's these things that scare me the most. What am I supposed to do now? What? Am i supposed to choose what happens with your souless body? Do I bring you home, where you should be and accept whats going to happen to you when your in the ground or do i cremate you? I don't want to picture your body burning!! Either way, it's got to be my decision because you was mine and to be honest, other people are to scared to answer for me, even though none of the choices I would agree with anyway. Apparently there are stages of grieving, well today im angry!! im furious at the world and everyone in it! I'm angry at the fact that it's a beautiful day but it shouldn't be because you're not In it, how dare the sun shine so bright on my darkest day! Just another way for the world to kick me in the....... If i could have just one more day. Stop the world, I want to get off I'm so sorry about your little dog, my kitty died about a week ago and I'm facing the same decisions as you have to and the same feelings. Your words made me cry and I just want you to know that I'm feeling your pain. All I want is for him to know how precious and important he was to me and that I loved him with all my heart. I wish I could console you better but I know that I can't because nothing helps me right now either. I just hope that one day we'll both feel like we gave all we could and they knew how special and loved they were. I'm not religious but I wish so much that there's a place where we will all meet our little babies one day so we can hug and kiss them again. 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Members Geoff Posted February 7, 2019 Members Report Share Posted February 7, 2019 I feel so so sorry for both of you its been a few weeks since my little cat died and I still feel bad now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 7, 2019 Moderators Report Share Posted February 7, 2019 I wish I had a magic wand that could wave away your pain...unfortunately I know nothing but time that lessens the intensity of pain as our body/minds struggle to wrap themselves around this. It really does take time to adjust, to get used to the changes this means for us. I know that I still miss all of my animals and wish I could have them back. But it's my believe I'll be with them again and my husband too...I wait for that day sometimes patiently, sometimes impatiently but believe with all my heart I'll be with them again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Guilty Posted February 8, 2019 Author Members Report Share Posted February 8, 2019 Day 6 I still can't get used to the deafening silence that has become our home since she left. I can't hear,see or speak her name, it just breaks my heart in two. out of the two hurrendous choices of what to do with her, I've decided to cremate (as much as I hate the thouht) It just doesn't seem to be getting any better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 8, 2019 Moderators Report Share Posted February 8, 2019 It's hard to decide but it has to be one or the other, I will probably have to do the same when my dog's time comes because he's too big for me to bury, but the good part about cremation is you get to have their remains with you. Remember, they no longer inhabit their physical body, and their spirit is set free and still lives, I look forward to that reunion day... Good luck to you, you'll be in my thoughts and prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AJWCat Posted February 9, 2019 Members Report Share Posted February 9, 2019 Hi @Guilty I read your angry post from the other day. I get it. Like you, I was so sad and then got really mad. The world keeps going and the grieving just get carried along to keep up with it. I wanted to run and cry and scream - this was a week or so after my very initial grief and shock wore off. I totally get your anger. I know you feel it is not getting any better. You have been deeply affected by this loss. It takes time I am afraid. I don't want to scare people here sometimes but I was a zombie for a few weeks. I hated going out, I hated staying in. I hated cooking. (Because I actually enjoy it but I didn't want to have anything that was fun, I was too upset.) I didn't care much about eating. I didn't care how I looked. I'd just go cry in the shower. It was simply survival day to day. And we were on vacation this entire time! So... I am sorry you are here. I ache for every new post. But keep writing. Get it out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted February 10, 2019 Moderators Report Share Posted February 10, 2019 20 hours ago, AJWCat said: Because I actually enjoy it but I didn't want to have anything that was fun, I was too upset. In early grief, we often feel guilty if we smile or god forbid, laugh. When I lost my husband, a few months in I read an article that really helped me (I wish I'd saved it), it talked about giving ourselves permission to smile. I have learned in the years since, it's not our grief that binds us to them, it is our love, and that still continues, be it our cat, husband, or whoever we are grieving. It had helped me to realize that. In fact, having anything to smile about, however brief or small, is to be coveted. To continue in doom and gloom 24/7 can be very hard. Of course at first it IS doom and gloom and our perspective is filled with loss and grief...it is a process, an adjustment that takes time before we can allow anything else in. I remember two weeks after George died, at church, a lady chided me for being sad, crying. WTH?! I gave it to her, and the pastor overheard and gave his assent to me. I just have to wonder where in the world her head was at, but obviously, she'd never had grief of this magnitude. She'd lost her mom, but her mom didn't live with her and interact with her on an everyday basis, so that does make a difference. It's amazing how much these little creatures can make their way into our hearts and lives. My dog and my cat are my family, they are who I come home to, who I spend my life with. My life revolves around them! I worry I haven't much time left with them (my dog is 11, my cat 24) but I try really hard to stay in today and enjoy each moment I have left with them and when they go...I'll have to deal with that then, and Lord I know it will be hard. I did find this article and although not quite the same, the gyst of what he's saying as a whole is helpful even if the individual suggestions may or may not be for you. https://thegrieftoolbox.com/article/ways-take-break-sadness-when-mourning I like this one even better:http://stunnedbygrief.com/stunned-by-grief/is-it-possible-to-take-a-break-from-grief/ This one reminds me a little of that original article I read http://www.aliveinmemory.org/2013/05/30/learning-how-to-smile-again/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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