Was leaving

[Billie Rae]

@Kayc Be careful on that leg and don't try to shovel all at once.Cold with exertion is the number one reason for winter heart attacks and lung problems.Its funny but Angel cat would not let Charlie hold him or pet him but at night slept on his feet and if he sensed any distress he would come and paw my face and mou mou at me.it's strange that he left but he is an outside pee cat and he wouldn't use a litter box so I was quite worried about if he would transition to an apartment and then he was gone.I see his paw prints on my deck in the snow so I know he's checking on me but he never comes when I'm home.What a long cold winter we are all suffering through!!I was able to sell some of Charlie's old tools to 3 very nice young guys and after they heard my story they offered to come and clean out the basement hoard for me at no charge then I found out they live right by where I'm looking at apartments so I have already made new friends by where I will live.What a blessing.Have a peaceful evening to all of us.Love and hugs.Billie

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[Billie Rae]

Foreverhis,ah yes the brave face.my clients husband says I'm handling this with grace,hahaha if he only saw my insides,it's not grace it's fear that if I let go in front of anyone I'll end up in a mental institution.And all my plans?well it's a good thing no one is watching because I usually end up sitting on the couch crying or just spaced out.I'm already a week behind on getting out of here so I will make another house payment just because I can't focus.Love to you all and may you find one moment of rest .Billie

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[KayC]

Jeanne, this winter is getting to me, I'm sick of shoveling snow and a large amount coming Wednesday, just trying to hold on for Spring.  My leg is greatly improved, woke up with conjunctivitis yesterday so trying to get my eye better, fortunately have Rx for it so don't have to drive to the doctor (100 mile round trip in this weather) unless it doesn't respond, but it's improving so should be okay in a few days.

Billie, you're trying to do so much, it's no wonder it's going to take you a month longer than planned, I can't imagine trying to move by myself.  I need to clean out some stuff after 41 years here but it'll wait for summer.  Not doing all that in the snow!  Glad you've made some new friends where you're moving to!

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

my clients husband says I'm handling this with grace,hahaha if he only saw my insides,it's not grace it's fear that if I let go in front of anyone I'll end up in a mental institution.

I think that could have been said by any one of us...people don't see what's on the inside, even after all this time.

[foreverhis]

18 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

And all my plans?well it's a good thing no one is watching because I usually end up sitting on the couch crying or just spaced out

Are you sure you don't have cameras hidden in my house?  I get up with plans to do this-this-this-and-this.  I'm lucky if I get through the first "this."  Unless not doing it literally means the house will fall down or the electricity will get cut off, I often don't do it or don't do it for weeks or, in the case of this week's "I really need to do these things" list, for months.  Consider that I have 6 more months on this dark journey than you have and I haven't had to plan a move and I have had a financial cushion in the form of a modicum of life insurance and I haven't been faced with piles of snow and inches of ice like you have.  You really must cut yourself some slack.  Please.  You're doing the best you can in circumstances that most people cannot even comprehend.

I find it amazing any of us can function at all.  Whether we're physically and emotionally exhausted from months or years of caregiving like you and I are or we've had a sudden, devastating, incomprehensible loss, we're all so broken that it's not surprising, in fact we should expect, that we simply cannot function the way we used to.  I know that it will take years for me to get to a place in my life where I can find any sort of peace.  Happiness?  That's not even on my radar.  I know that I will never be able to say I'm truly happy again, at least not in this life.  I'm holding out and impatiently waiting for the day my love and I will be together again.  Only then can I be happy and peaceful in my heart and soul.

Granted our weather has been horribly cold for our climate with nearly constant high gusting winds, and rain, rain, rain and even snow at very low elevations, so none of the outdoor "to do" list is getting done, including the expensive, but critical projects I--by myself for the first time--have had to hire contractors to do.  But there are mountains of inside tasks to start and computer/paperwork that has been sitting in a stack on my desk-table since last fall.  Do I do it?  Not so much.  I zone out; I fiddle with the computer unproductively; I cry and tell my love he needs to come home; I get depressed when I look at the weather forecast and realize that the few clear, beautiful, though still cold days we have (like today) are fleeting and here comes the rain again.  I look out at the gorgeous view my husband cherished and say, "Isn't it beautiful out today, honey?"  He was so proud when we were able to buy our home, a small older house on a teeny coastal lot.  He deserved so much better than what life threw at him.  So I stare out the window and wonder if he can see what I see.  I wonder and hope that he can journey to the places we visited together and all the places we planned to, but couldn't.  And all those this-this-and-this still don't get done.

I'm glad that you have met strong young men who may be able to help you move and get settled.  It sounds like having the burden of the house lifted from your shoulders will help.

I'm sending you big, warm hugs to get you through this cold, cold winter.

[Billie Rae]

Foreverhis,yes getting away from this house that I've always hated will be a huge relief but again I got scattered,tried to pack some stuff(with no apartment yet)and wonder hmmm maybe I'll need this then my mind jumps ahead and off doing something else then overwhelmed myself so sat down for a cry.maybe I'll just take what's important(like I can judge that,hahaha)and donate and dump everything else.I don't even want to stay in Seattle but have a huge responsibility to my client.Where you live sounds beautiful I love the coast.I wanted to move to Gulfport Mississippi or Jacksonville Florida I spent time over there when I drove truck but now Seattle it is.Maybe when I retire I'll get an rv and do the traveling nurse thing.I hope this winter will end soon so we all can get outside and do some walking,I love to walk.Big hugs to us all and one day please could we have our brains back?too soon for that I guess.Love to you all.Billie

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[KayC]

foreverhis, your post was perfect, a reminder that this really does impact us and it takes quite some times to get our brains back and I'm not sure I ever did get mine back completely and fully.  It affects focus terribly.

Billie Rae, I can't imagine trying to move so soon after this loss.  You're very brave and I wish you well on your endeavors.

[JES]

Everything seems so overwhelming, I struggle to do anything also.  I barely can "do" the things we have to do, pay bills, dishes, vacuum, shop.  Lately I am in house alot, don't want company, only talk to those I can " handle" at the time.  I know the weather doesn't help.  Today I need to take my one dog to her yearly vet appt., visit uncle, pay some bills for him, shop, etc.   I just dread it but I also know it will do me good.... and yes, I'd love for us all to get our brain back.

[Billie Rae]

Kayc,thank you for calling it bravery,it's more like desperation,what I have to do to survive without becoming homeless,Charlie left me with very few options so it's fight and flight.If I stop fighting I will end up giving up,I'm sure after I'm done with what I have to do I surely will fall apart and be able to sit and work through all of this,I just am not doing things as efficiently as I used to so for now it's the basics for survival.jes,I'm with you on the people,I know I should ask for help but I just get irritated when folks are around for more than ten minutes I get snappy and withdraw.oh,to go back to when the worry was trivial and there were actual plans and hopes and future dreams instead of this mental and emotional turmoil.Love to you all.Billie

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[KayC]

Billie Rae, I understand, I think I've been in survival mode since George died, esp. in the winters, but when he died I lost my job soon after and desperately looked for work feverishly so I wouldn't lose my home, had to commute 100 miles/day, to a job that I hated, for seven long years, going to work in the dark, coming home in the dark.  I look back and don't know how I did it, that grueling schedule, but it was the recession and you do what you have to do.  It's always been hard for me to ask for help and people don't do much offering it.

Still, I think you're brave.  I've heard it defined as...bravery is not lack of fear, it is courage in the face of it.  So true.  Sometimes it'd be so easy to give up, but what then?  So I keep going.

[JES]

@KayC  Hope your eye and knee are doing better.  I did get out yesterday and I know I needed it.  Get abit shack happy after a week.  Snowing today but it will wait until tommorow...no hurry Im not going anywhere soon. @Billie Rae.  You are brave...you have had so much to deal with since Charlie has been gone... I don't know how you get anything done at this early point.  It will be nice when you can just take a break and have none of this moving stuff to worry about  I guess we just keep going when we have to, nobody else to do it for you or as kay said, we don't like to ask for help. Hugs and thinking of all.

[Billie Rae]

Well sweet jes,I'm not really getting anything done and so I will have to make another payment on this house that I hate and resent so much.I'm thinking about just taking what's really important and 1 800 got junk on the rest.it's to exhausting to try to sell the stuff I can't deal with it.Kayc I hope your feeling better,winter seems to make illness and injury feel worse.both of you please stay safe and warm in the weather,I've been watching on the news and it looks terrible.A bit of sweet news,Angel Cat has come for a visit,exactly one month since he vanished.

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[KayC]

11 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

A bit of sweet news,Angel Cat has come for a visit,exactly one month since he vanished.

That is great news!  I'm so surprised!  When our Tigger left home, he never returned.  I guess he figured George was his dad and I didn't factor in.

My knee is fine, so lucky there.  The eye is improving, still hurting a bit but responding to the medicine.  

Yesterday I got 10" of very wet heavy snow.  I shoveled about half of it and hired a neighbor boy to help me with the rest, $20 well spent, only took him an hour, it would have taken me all day and I still wouldn't be done!  Another huge bunch coming Friday night/Saturday.

They say this is the worst year Seattle has had, it's been bad here too.  This is the worst month I've had in a long while!  All I did was shovel all day yesterday.

Billie Rae, thank you for sharing the good news with us, we needed something positive!

[Billie Rae]

He only stayed about an hour but he mou moued to me the whole time then he got up went out and checked the whole outside of the house and left.I think he wanted to make sure that I'm okay.I see him as a sign that Charlie is watching and kitty was telling me that I'm still loved.I hate that your winter is so bad,we only had 2 weeks of it so I can't complain though I'm still cleaning up the mess sand and salt inside the car and house and we didn't have garbage pickup for 3 weeks so I have it piled on the deck,will have to find time for a dump run again.This last couple of days I've been overwhelmed with the memory and sensations of Charlie's pain and suffering and the vision of him at 83 lbs and I sit and cry great heaving sobs that drain me completely.I'm sure it's ptsd but I can't stop it.My poor man died so hard and I feel so guilty that I couldn't make it easier for him.love to us all[emoji307]

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[foreverhis]

16 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

it's to exhausting to try to sell the stuff I can't deal with it.

Just a thought.  Have you considered contacting an estate sale company?  Some of them specialize in what they call "every day" estates, rather than the high end kind.  They take a percentage, of course, but do the work, get things ready, arrange the sale, and usually remove what's leftover for donation or junking, depending on what the client prefers.

When my mom died, my husband and I had to get her place ready to sell.  We sorted out some stuff for us and my siblings and made sure bequests went to the right people.  (Funny, sweet story:  Our best friend's then teenage son had been learning to cook with me and his dad for several years; he walked into the kitchen and chose things like old Pyrex measuring cups and bowls, baking sheets, and a few little gadgets.  He was absolutely thrilled that those would be his reminders of my mom, who was kind of like an extra grandma to him.  We were all so touched that those were the things that mattered to him.)

When that was done, we looked at all the stuff left from years and years of plain old living.  Then we contacted a few agents until we found one who specialized in the non-high end sales.  We didn't get a whole lot of money because my parents had mostly basic stuff left after the few valuables had been distributed.  But it took the burden off of us.

I don't know if that would be helpful for you, but it was for us.

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, KayC said:

They say this is the worst year Seattle has had, it's been bad here too.

It's certainly the worst year Seattle has had since the Great Snow In of December 2008 when my hubby got "stuck" there for 5 weeks after our granddaughter was born.  Our daughter says this year has become worse overall.  Our granddaughter is loving it; her mom, not so much.  They play and have fun in the snow for a bit each day, but our daughter has to take care of all the shoveling, de-icing, and home care that my husband handled in 2008.  I think it's given her an even better appreciation of just how much her dad loved us and how deep his devotion was as our protector.

We've had more wind and rain, though we're on a break for several days.  Then the forecast says the atmospheric river will start dumping on us again.  Very unusual for our March temperature forecasts to continue to be highs in the low 50s and lows below freezing.  We're usually over that by the beginning of February.  Some years we have no freezing nights on the coast at all.  This year it's been high 30s or into freezing every night since just after the first of the year and looks to continue that way for a while.  We didn't even get what we call "the February fake out" week when temperatures will be in the 70s or even low 80s for several days before reverting back to winter weather patterns.

I am so glad your knee is better and that your eye is improving.  It was very smart of you to hire a strong, young back to take care of the remaining snow shoveling.  More snow on the way?  Sheesh.  Seems to me you all have had more than enough up there.  Please be careful and stay warm.

I'd send you some warm California sun, but we don't have any right now.  So I'll just send you virtual hugs instead.

[JES]

I really think this long, different, hard winter is not making it easy for any of us.  Ive had enough snow also, 6 inches yesterday, and up to a foot coming again this weekend with sleet. Id rather snow anytime than freezing rain, feel for those that have to deal with that.  We all need warmth and sunshine!!   P. Phil...I hope your forecast of early Spring happens. Love and hugs to all.

[Billie Rae]

@foreverhis,great suggestion but this is a hoarding issue his basement is so full of well,junk old outdated tools,boxes of rusty nails and just carpenter detritus that's mostly from years gone by the valuable tools I gave to the guys he wanted to have them and I can't deal with the stuff.
@everyone need some advice,Charlie's daughter who is 30 is coming this weekendand I don't know how much to tell her about his suffering,we only told her he was very sick and when they spoke on the phone he always told her he was okay kept it light.I don't know if I should share the truth or not.thanks all.
Love and a moment of peace to us all

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[KayC]

And they said this was an El Niño year, albeit a weak one.  Can't tell it this month!  It was predicted to get down to 32 last night...it's 18.  

I think I'd move what I wanted into an apt. and then have a "name your own price" garage sale.  Whatever is left, take to St. Vinnie's and get a tax donation receipt.  We did that one year and I think people paid more than if we'd put a price on it!  You could have a couple of kids manning it to raise money for their cause, be it church camp or girl scouts or whatever, it might get more involvement.  The important thing is to clear everything out asap so you don't have to keep paying more rent $.

I guess I wouldn't see any point in sharing how much he suffered, it would only make her feel as badly as you do.  We remember the pain in their face...so hard.

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

And they said this was an El Niño year, albeit a weak one.  Can't tell it this month!  It was predicted to get down to 32 last night...it's 18.  

Well, our rainfall totals are high enough that I think we do have a mild El Niño.  We need the moisture.  But the temperatures?  Not so much.  Last night's coastal forecast was 39; the actual low right on the water was 33.  Ten miles inland, the forecast was for 34; the actual was 25.  On California's central coast, this is way low for this time of year.  The trend is forecast to continue for some time, even when the rain comes back, which usually raises temps by at least 10 degrees because of the cloud cover.  I'm certain our upper county inland will get snow again--real snow, not just "Oh look there are a few snowflakes"--and the 1200 ft pass will be closed again because of it.  In March!

Oh well, it matches the cold, darkness in my life and heart right now.  Yesterday, I saw a cloud formation that I would swear was our wonderful Keeshond.  Looked just like him, wolf-like muzzle, fluffy fur, curly tail, and all.  I stood there talking to the sky asking him if he's taking care of his "dad" until I get there.  I'm surprised my tears didn't freeze on my face it was so cold at 6 pm.

I wish they wouldn't just call it "global warming."  It's rapid climate change that leads to extremes of heat and cold, drought and flooding, massive storms, shifting patterns, etc.

Sigh.  Will this winter ever end?

Keep warm everyone.

 

[Billie Rae]

@Kayc Thank you.that's what I thought too,I really don't want her last memories to be of Charlie suffering.@all really,will this winter ever stop?but it seems to be appropriate for what we are going through,cold and dark and sad.it feels like I'll never be warm all the way through again.My father died in the spring a few years ago and every sunny day and birds song felt like a slap so maybe this season suits my attitude.This is such a lonely place to be,every one else is going on as if life is normal and here I am frozen in my thought and action as if I'm separated by a wall of fog.Don't know how many times I've had to say"I'm sorry,what were you saying?"and today on my way home I drove right past my street for about a mile then was disoriented and had to pull over and really think about where I was.I'm starting to scare myself.
Love and hugs

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[KayC]

Billie Rae,

Somewhere on here I posted a couple of articles about grief brain (sometimes known as grief fog or widow's brain).  It's true, it really does affect our focus.  It gets better, but I don't think my post grief brain has ever been as it was pre-grief.  

foreverhis,

I had to look up Keeshond, what a cute dog!  Looks a little like a cross between a Husky and an American Eskimo!  I can see how tears could form, and you're absolutely right, I like to think they're already with our animals who have preceded us.

[foreverhis]

@KayC  Yes, Keeshonds are wonderful dogs.  Ours was about 35 lb, so just the right size.  He was from a champion line on both sides and had perfect composition.  But he wasn't meant for showing, he was meant for love.  He was so intuitive and would come love us especially hard if we were feeling down or ill.  He survived intestinal cancer at 11, thanks to insurance and some great specialists, and was part of a trial at UC Davis for treatment of parathyroid cancer at 13, also successful.  He's part of published veterinary treatment history.  Oh how he loved the vet interns at Davis, especially "his" girl.  I swear, when she brought him out to visit me the day after his treatment, he pranced and smiled saying, "Look what I got, mom!"  Keeshonds were bred to guard and tend the children on the barges in the Netherlands, so they're very family friendly and active-but-not-too-crazy.  My husband had had Keeshonds before we married, so he already knew how to take care of them.  The day we lost him was one of the few times I ever saw my husband sob.  Our boy was so special.

Shortly before my love took his last breath I told him it was okay and time to "go find" our babies.  About a week after that, I was pulling out a book of photos to send to our daughter.  It was on a shelf inside a cabinet that had been cleaned and rearranged by me many times in the 15 years since our beautiful little Persian died.  She was her "daddy's girl" through and through (though she loved me too).  So, I take out the other albums and then pull out the one I'm looking for.  Out pops a perfect, fresh looking cat treat.  I'm thinking, "Okay, this is weird."  Maybe it had just gotten stuck in the corner for 15 years, but wouldn't it have looked disgusting, all crumbly, dusty, and gross?  I am choosing to take it as a sign that my love found our babies and that they're taking care of him until I can join them.  Am I just wishing too hard?  Probably, but I don't care at all what anyone else thinks.

[foreverhis]

Our furry loves

[Billie Rae]

Aww what sweet babies!the keeshound looks almost like a Norwegian Elkhound.My Labrador Roxy(rip)knew that I am an insomniac so at bedtime she would put her snout by my ear and do pretend sleep breathing and then when she thought I was asleep she would ease off the bed very very slow.I miss having a fur baby but I'm only looking at apartments that are pet friendly.

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[foreverhis]

Keeshond and Norwegian Elkhound are both spitz breeds.  They have many similarities, though the Elkhound is larger and has shorter hair.  Spitz breeds have tails that curl up over their haunches onto their backs and usually have wolf-like muzzles.  Pomeranian, Samoyed, Chow Chow, and American Eskimo are all spitz breeds.  They're generally companion working dogs.  Here's what our baby looked like in profile.  Keeshonds are nicknamed "the smiling Dutchman" because they have very expressive faces.

[Billie Rae]

What a handsome boy.we had Norwegian Elkhounds and Pomeranian when I was a child great watchdogs but also big cuddlers.

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[foreverhis]

Exactly!  The spitz breeds combine the best of working-guard with companion-cuddler dogs.

He was indeed a handsome boy.  Lots of work to keep him well groomed, but he was worth it.

[JES]

@foreverhis  He was a beautiful boy and your cat also.  I wish I could put pic on of my springers but phone says not enough memory... I' m not too saavy on technology these days.  Mabbe someday I can get son/ daughter to do for me.  Thanks for sharing with us.

[KayC]

foreverhis,

What sweet babies!  No, I don't think you're reading something into this (signs), that is exactly how they happen...when something out of the ordinary occurs that would mean something to you and your loved one, something that speaks to you and brings you comfort...that is how signs occur.  You are right, doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, but I don't think anyone here would doubt it either!

[Billie Rae]

I woke up this morning and surprise,there was an old lady in my mirror that I didn't recognize,she had wrinkles dull skin and the saddest eyes.She looked lost alone and very frightened as if she were going through hell.My first thought was someone has to help her.Then I knew,she is going to have to help herself,there is no one else.

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[HPB]

40 minutes ago, Billie Rae said:

I woke up this morning and surprise,there was an old lady in my mirror that I didn't recognize,she had wrinkles dull skin and the saddest eyes.She looked lost alone and very frightened as if she were going through hell.

"...And last but not least; when I look in the mirror (what I don't like to do anymore), then it appears that in less than one year I got older by 10 years...."

(https://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/topic/14395-are-you-experiencing-physical-effects-of-grief/&tab=comments#comment-181348)

We're in the same club (nobody want's to belong to), aren't we?

 

[Billie Rae]

"...And last but not least; when I look in the mirror (what I don't like to do anymore), then it appears that in less than one year I got older by 10 years...."
(https://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/topic/14395-are-you-experiencing-physical-effects-of-grief/&tab=comments#comment-181348)
We're in the same club (nobody want's to belong to), aren't we?
 

Yes,I don't recognize myself at all.I used to be"well turned out"nice clothes,great hair and makeup I don't know this woman in the mirror nor do I care enough to fix her

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[Billie Rae]

Yes,I don't recognize myself at all.I used to be"well turned out"nice clothes,great hair and makeup I don't know this woman in the mirror nor do I care enough to fix her

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And the funny thing is no one seems to notice.Not one word on how I've changed,maybe I've gone invisible in my pain.

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[foreverhis]

On 2/24/2019 at 8:47 AM, Billie Rae said:

I woke up this morning and surprise,there was an old lady in my mirror that I didn't recognize,she had wrinkles dull skin and the saddest eyes.She looked lost alone and very frightened as if she were going through hell.My first thought was someone has to help her.Then I knew,she is going to have to help herself,there is no one else.

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I hate looking in the mirror now and actively avoid it when I can.  I wonder "Who is that old woman?  What happened to her?"  The most I can do now is shower, wear clean (old, but not raggy) comfortable clothes, and keep the house from falling down around me.  I have no one to dress up for; no one who really gives a darn how I look.

Like HPB I feel as if everything has made me age 10 years, when it was just 2 years ago that my love's cancer started us down this road.  The medical community says that extreme stress can shorten our lives.  Based on how I look and feel now, I believe it.  And I sometimes think that maybe that's not such a bad thing if it gets me to my soulmate sooner.

I think we definitely become invisible to some people.  They don't want the reminder of mortality, loss, and grief, so they act as if we are not here at all.  We certainly are shadows of our former selves.  Who knows, maybe we are vanishing bit by bit.

[Billie Rae]

Foreverhis,it feels as if people are actively ignoring my pain,no one after the first week has asked how I am or can they help,like maybe if they act like nothing happened then I will be able to go on as normal.What they don't understand is this is my new normal.I am a totally different person than I was in October.It would ease my mind if someone asked or would say his name.Maybe I would take better Care of myself if I knew someone cared Or noticed,but as long as no one comments I'll keep dressing in old jeans and no makeup.Somehow I've lost all pride and go for at least I got out of my pajamas.I see the sparkle is gone from my eyes and my used to be quick humor left,I actually look like I'm 80 and feel like it too and not a good 80.hugs

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[JES]

@Billie Rae  I know the feeling, I also feel I've aged so much.....I bought new face cream the other day and was hoping it would help some... ha...Also feel alot older,  used to have energy. I would think people would still ask you how your doing as its barely over a month.  Just know that we here care and always want to know how you are doing. Love and hugs.

[JES]

@Billie Rae  Its ok to stay in pjs if your not going anywhere...comfy,  warm, and easier to fit long johns under them than jeans.  I do it all the time...I don't care either.... gotta do what makes us feel good. 

[KayC]

On 2/24/2019 at 1:23 PM, foreverhis said:

My first thought was someone has to help her.Then I knew,she is going to have to help herself,there is no one else.

This is a profound truth.  No one can save us from this, there is only ourselves, beating our path through this, trying to wing it as we go.  You will make it, I know because I am and I had not a clue where to start when I began this journey.  It is a journey of a thousand miles...every day, or so it feels.  Those wrinkles and grey hairs?  They are your badge, you've earned them, by sheer grit and determination and if by nothing else, just waking up every day.  

 

[JES]

@Billie Rae  Hello dear....I havent seen you posting and wondering if you are ok. Miss not hearing how you are doing.  Mabbe you' ve been busy or having some rough days.  I also havent felt like writing much..total lack of energy for anything.  Ugg.... Thinking of you. Jeanne

[Billie Rae]

Hi Jes,I was so sick I've been sleeping the whole weekend!thank you for asking.All the stress and being ill I hung it all up for a few days and it really helped me to just shut down and not worry just sleep and cry it did my brain and body good.No phone no work on the house nothing.love to you.
Billie

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[KayC]

Billie Rae, I hope you get to feeling better!  I went through that a month ago, no fun!

[JES]

@Billie Rae  Im so glad you are ok. Sometimes it helps to shutdown, plus when your sick you just don't feel like doing anything. I pray you start feeling better soon.  I missed you, you are always so optimistic even thru your own grief.  I can tell you have alot of spunk,  my Kevin was so much that way also,  one of his big sayings was ONWARD...which I try to do each day.  How are you doing in the grief process?  I so wish I was there to help you get packed and moved...bummer we live so far apart. Love and hugs.  Jeanne

[Billie Rae]

@Jes,Right lately my anger at Charlie is driving me,as I try to fix all the things that I asked him to help me with I'm angry!Angry that he didn't do it and then angry that he left me with it.one of the grief books says to use the energy in anger to go forward and it's absolutely correct in my instance.My sense of honor tells me I must get as much fixed as possible,new motto"To The Dump".Whomever recommended"Grief the inside story"thank you,out of all the books I've read this one hit home.Hugs Jes,and to all

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[JES]

@Billie Rae  Its ok to be angry,  my guy left things undone too and I'm left with it all.  My basement ( mostly his space) needs so bad to be organized. His tools are scattered...he was always organized, but last few years not so much. I don't feel the anger,  but oh, Im fighting with everyone in my dreams about stupid stuff which I don't get at all.  I'm a pretty mellow, kind to everyone, kind of person so its weird.  Mabbe I get all my anger out at night...so I can be a better person during the day. Hugs

[KayC]

My George, who was always so helpful and tidy, didn't put anything away the last year.  I realized later that it was because he did not have the energy!  It's amazing he went to work every day!  4 out of 5 of his heart's valves were blocked!  I had to forgive him the mess.

[JES]

@KayC  I thought of that also. Kevin had diabetes, up and down, more lows than highs, energy zapping. Plus so many meds, and anti rejection meds for his donor ( my) kidney. I understood and is probably why I don't have anger for that.  He tried to do alittle when he could.  I may check out the Luna someday also. 

[KayC]

On 2/16/2019 at 4:13 PM, Billie Rae said:

@jes@foreverhis I too don't do well at night,I have to have the tv on for sound and don't have that safe feeling.With the snow melting and sliding off the roof I jump at every thud and for some reason I have developed a fear of the woodstove.I am also cold,colder than everyone else,I wear my long Johns all the time.Just had a nap and the feeling that Charlie was on his way woke me with a start.All my life people have told me how strong and competent I am but I don't feel like it anymore,I wander the house thinking of things I need to do only to have the thought vanish and I can't get it back.If it weren't for his suffering I want him back even for a week because I keep thinking of things to tell him.The Thursday before I did lay curled up with my head in his lap and we had idle everyday chit chat and even a laugh he had been having trouble sleeping for 2 nights but after that he was never awake for more than 15 minutes so it was our last real affection.We had this cat that came 1 or so weeks before diagnosis and after Charlie died 4 days later the cat left.hmm.We called him Angel Cat and I believe he was here so Charlie wouldn't be alone while I had to work.I wonder if he misses me too?Love and peace to us all

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Was looking for a picture of you (didn't find it but found this)...George's cat, Tigger, left two months after he died, I figured he was waiting for him to come back and when he didn't, well he took one hard long look at me, as if committing me to memory, turned tail and left.  I never saw him again.  I think they cared about us too but they considered them to be their primary person.  And maybe they took to males more?  Who knows.  The only cat I ever had that left of its own accord.

[Billie Rae]

I still think of him.tried to load pictures but they failed[emoji20]

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[KayC]

I've had trouble here too, they only take really small ones.