Was leaving

[Billie Rae]

So my husband was different,he didn't express emotions and was not very involved in our marriage,his saying was"well I go to work everyday"so I was planning on leaving him,maybe just to get his attention?then October 14 2018 he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer,so I stayed.the first and only round of chemo took him down.He couldn't eat and got sicker and sicker,kept saying if I could eat I will be okay.it was just us,family is far away and he was kind of a hermit so everyday it was me careing for him.I spent all my resources keeping him in his home.each day I told him I love you.Then he started throwing up so bad I had to take him to the hospital.when they got him to sleep I went home,the next morning when I went his cheek and nose were broken,he had tried to stand up and he fell.A few minutes later he was showing signs of needing to throw up so I got the bucket and when he opened his mouth blood poored out!the next morning January 16 my big guy was gone.He left me in a financial bind and now I have to move and don't have time to properly grieve and I'm mad,lonely and scared.I can only see him when he was so sick,he was 83 lbs when he left and 6'3 and all I can remember is how he kept telling me he would miss me and to be strong,I don't feel strong just sad and lost.I want my Charlie home.please please?

 

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[foreverhis]

I'm so sorry you find yourself here with us.

Let me start by saying that the fact that you planned to leave won't diminish the past love you had or alter the grief you will feel now. And it sounds as if you had some hope that your leaving would wake him up to the realities of marriage, which I  assume means you still loved him.  (Sorry, I know we should not "assume" things.)  The fact that you stayed after his diagnosis is a testament to your strength.  My heart goes out to you.  You must be a swirling mass of emotions going from everything from extreme anger to fear to pain and loss.  After being a full time caregiver for months, you are no doubt beyond exhausted both physically and emotionally.

I'm slightly shocked that the hospital didn't have an alarm on the bed so he couldn't get up and injure himself.  That's unacceptable.  My husband had intermittent bouts of what's called hospital induced delirium caused by electrolyte imbalance and infection during his last few weeks in the hospital.  He tried to get out of bed multiple times, but they had the bed alarms on, so whoever was closest to the room would swoop in and stop him.  The alarms were pretty loud and also flashed on the screen at the central nurses station.  Fortunately, I was with him most nights, so I'd be right there sleeping or trying to sleep in a recliner and I could help the nurses settle him down.  I'm so sorry you came back to an even worse situation.  The tragic truth is that cancers like pancreatic, bladder, and prostate can cause rapid decline and frightening symptoms.  I know; I faced that with my husband.

You say your family is far away, but do you have a friend nearby who can help?  If not or even if you do, I urge you to contact a local cancer support group, local social services department, and/or state or federal social welfare/housing departments.  There is no shame at all in reaching out for help.  I can only imagine how much more stress it's adding for you to have a financial crisis and being forced to move now.  That could naturally add anger at your husband while you're trying to grieve the loss.

It's natural that the images you see now are of how he looked in his last months and days.  I can only speak for myself, but these images do haunt me.  I was with my husband through it all and to the very end.  Over time, I'm hoping to bring the man I loved back into focus as he was through all the years we had together.  Once the shock has worn off and you've been able to move and settle, you may want to find a spouse loss support group or even a grief therapist, who could help you navigate through the changing, even contradictory, emotions you are and will be feeling.

I do not know how many times I have told my husband "You need to come home now" or "Why can't you come home?"  I do not consider this a sign of denial, as I fully accept that my soulmate is no longer on this earth.  But my heart wants him to come back to me.  I try to remember that he did not leave me, he was taken away.  I know he would never have left me on purpose, but it's still very painful all the time.

I am sure your husband meant the best when he told you to "be strong."  I don't mean this as a criticism when I say that no one on earth should be expected to be strong after this kind of experience and loss.  The plain truth is that I am generally a strong woman, but the one thing, the only thing, that could break me is what has happened.  We are all broken by this unexpected, painful loss.

I wish I had good advice for you, but my marriage was very different from yours and I just don't know what to say.  All I can offer is my deepest sympathies that you are in this incredibly difficult situation.  Finding this forum full of members who are all experiencing similar things has proven helpful for me, if only so that I know I am not alone.

[Billie Rae]

Thank you.I also am sorry for your loss.I love him very much,I just couldn't live with the apathy.The hospital had alarms but that floor was"short staffed".I go from anger to sorrow to confusion.The fear that I will fail at trying to get myself together.

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[foreverhis]

Short-staffing at hospitals is a real crime in this country!  Of course you're angry about it.  You have every right to be.  With all that you'd been dealing with to add additional and preventable injury is almost unbelievable.

Thank you for clarifying that I understood correctly that you did love your husband.  Sometimes the people we love the most need to be figuratively smacked over the head to wake them up to the realities.  It sounds as if your leaving might very well have done that.  This will sound weird, but I'm sorry that what woke him up was being diagnosed with a terminal cancer. 

The fear you are feeling is incredibly common and normal.  I'm going on 7 months now and I still feel that way most of the time.  I don't mean to scare you by saying that, it's just my reality.  But I get up each day and try to do at least one thing that makes me feel as if I've accomplished something.  If you can, try to focus only on what's critical now and take each task, each change as it comes.  It's such a cliche, but I find it to be true, that taking one day at a time is the only way to be able to function at all.  If I try to look too far down the dark, lonely road I'm on now, I get anxious and panicky. 

I realize I'm incredibly lucky that my husband had a modicum of life insurance, which has allowed me to breathe easier.  It's certainly not enough that I never have to pay attention or worry about finances, but it has allowed me to pay off our mortgage and have some bigger repairs done that we had in the planning stages.  I'll say it again (and then shut up on the issue), but please do look into any type of program that you might qualify for that could help with finances and housing.  I have no idea what's available in Washington.  Is Shoreline in King County?  I know there are some social services through the county because our daughter lives in Ballard and needed short-term help due to job loss and personal circumstances.  We urged her to apply for assistance (after all, she'd been paying taxes for years!), which gave her just enough help that she was able to get back on her feet while she found a terrific job a few years ago.

Big hugs go out to you.  We can all use more hugs, I think.

[Billie Rae]

I try to do one thing each day,leaving this house doesn't bother me,I never liked it.Before I married Charlie,him and his son were hoarders of construction junk.I managed to clean the upstairs but oh the basement.His son died a few years ago so I think I am going to have to abandon the house,luckily my name isn't on it.But I bought him a new truck and my name is on it I can't sell it because it's upside down,I'm so angry and hurt that he left me in this position.Everything to him was"I'll do it next summer".Near the end he apologized for not giving me a better home,it tought me not to put life off until later but having to do everything now doesn't give me time to sit and grieve and I live in a constant state of fear and anxiety,it was easier when I had someone to do it for.Now I have to go to work everyday(I'm an in home nurse)and come home to try to clear things out.Thank you for your wise and compassionate words,it helps.Big hugs to you.

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[KayC]

23 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

 

So my husband was different,he didn't express emotions and was not very involved in our marriage,his saying was"well I go to work everyday"so I was planning on leaving him,maybe just to get his attention?then October 14 2018 he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer,so I stayed.the first and only round of chemo took him down.He couldn't eat and got sicker and sicker,kept saying if I could eat I will be okay.it was just us,family is far away and he was kind of a hermit so everyday it was me careing for him.I spent all my resources keeping him in his home.each day I told him I love you.Then he started throwing up so bad I had to take him to the hospital.when they got him to sleep I went home,the next morning when I went his cheek and nose were broken,he had tried to stand up and he fell.A few minutes later he was showing signs of needing to throw up so I got the bucket and when he opened his mouth blood poored out!the next morning January 16 my big guy was gone.He left me in a financial bind and now I have to move and don't have time to properly grieve and I'm mad,lonely and scared.I can only see him when he was so sick,he was 83 lbs when he left and 6'3 and all I can remember is how he kept telling me he would miss me and to be strong,I don't feel strong just sad and lost.I want my Charlie home.please please?

 

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I am so sorry for your loss and just because you were having problems doesn't alter your love for him or the fact that you're grieving the loss of him.  You stuck by him and were by his side through and through.  I'm sorry for all he went through and you along with him.

I don't think any of us feel strong, we've been surprised by the strength we've had to find but honestly don't feel that way, sometimes we'd just like someone to take care of us but there isn't anyone so we get through this as best as we can.

Have you considered letting the truck go back?  You could put a comment on your credit file that it was your husband's and you no longer had his income to pay for it.

I want to share an article I wrote of what helped me in my grief journey, I hope something in it speaks to you.

 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Billie Rae]

Just cought myself texting him.Its snowing now and so peaceful but all I can do is cry and wish he would just come home,it's almost dinner time.The chair is empty the bed is empty and the only sound is the t.v.I promise to do better and be more patient if you just come home.

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[KayC]

Oh Hon, I feel you on this one, I think we've all felt that...

[Billie Rae]

Does it ever ease up?I feel helpless and not myself anymore

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[KayC]

Yes, our grief evolves throughout our journey and the intensity of pain diminishes.  We always will miss them and sometimes it's harder than other times but little by little we get more used to this.  It is such a huge process, it really can take quite a while.

[beaniele]

Just cought myself texting him.Its snowing now and so peaceful but all I can do is cry and wish he would just come home,it's almost dinner time.The chair is empty the bed is empty and the only sound is the t.v.I promise to do better and be more patient if you just come home.

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I feel the same way. Why can't he come home. He has been gone to long. I just cry and cry and cry.


Linda

[Billie Rae]

Linda. Sometimes it feels like he just went out for a bit,then I remember he couldn't leave.But maybe he can come home if he really wants to.when I get home from work I see the truck in its spot and get happy but by the time I open the door I remember and get disappointed all over again.Happens every day.He left me a lot of problems that I have to take care of rapidly and I cry the whole time wishing he was here to help.Big hugs to you and may our journey soften. Billie

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[KayC]

13 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

I see the truck in its spot and get happy but by the time I open the door I remember and get disappointed all over again.

I was glad when I quit "forgetting" because it was hard when it hit all over again.  So hard to get used to.

[JES]

I see the truck too, even as I sit in my chair, its in my line of view out window.  Its so much a part of him...... I can't bear to part with it.  So I continue to start it, brush snow off,  sit in it.  I know eventually I may have to part with it, but for now it gives me alittle comfort, almost like hes still here.

[Billie Rae]

I see the truck too, even as I sit in my chair, its in my line of view out window.  Its so much a part of him...... I can't bear to part with it.  So I continue to start it, brush snow off,  sit in it.  I know eventually I may have to part with it, but for now it gives me alittle comfort, almost like hes still here.

His truck was going to be his"forever truck"I know I'm going to have to turn it in and it will hurt my credit but I don't care,it gave him two years of pride and he loved it so much.It is the best gift I ever gave him.Had it customized with the ladder rack and tool boxes to his needs.little did I know forever was to be so soon

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[JES]

Billie Rae.      I am so glad your Charlie got to enjoy his truck for two years. Banks can be pretty understanding when these unforeseens happen, may not affect your credit as bad as you think.  Kevins truck is older, a 2004 but low miles and a good runner,  great truck for hunting and dogs.  I have my own suv but I still think I' m foolish at times to keep insurance and plates on it when Im not using it.....just a decision I don't want to make at this time uggggg. Prayers to all of us for healing.

[foreverhis]

2 hours ago, JES said:

I see the truck too, even as I sit in my chair, its in my line of view out window.  Its so much a part of him...... I can't bear to part with it.  So I continue to start it, brush snow off,  sit in it.  I know eventually I may have to part with it, but for now it gives me alittle comfort, almost like hes still here.

My husband's car is a 1981 classic convertible (with a very strong roll bar).  We had been planning to sell it or my 1986 Acura because we decided we really needed a car built in this century.  But darn, these are really great cars and hard to part with for any reason.  We went back and forth on "whose car to keep."  His has been sitting in the garage.  I've taken it out only a few times.  It's probably just as well I can't see it all the time because it's the car he picked me up in for our first date.

I'll be selling my car, which my husband helped me choose, but have decided to gift our daughter with his car.  She's got hundreds, maybe thousands, of happy memories of it.  When our granddaughter was 7, her grandpa took her out in his car--in her car seat, but in the front seat because it has no air bags and does have shoulder belts.  She was so excited and had so much fun that from then on she always wanted to drive with grandpa, her favorite "grand" from birth, and said, "Grannie, you and mom can take your car."  So we did.

Our daughter begged me to sell the car to her.  I looked up what it's worth, which is a whole lot more than I thought, and know it would go a long way toward a new car.  I kept going back and forth on it, so I talked to my sister.  She put it in perfect terms:  Ask your heart what will make you feel best 2 years from now.  Well, that settled that.  Our daughter is over the moon and that's enough "payment" for me.

[foreverhis]

3 minutes ago, JES said:

I have my own suv but I still think I' m foolish at times to keep insurance and plates on it when Im not using it

I don't think it's foolish.  You'll know when and if you're ready.  These tangible reminders of our loves are valuable in so many ways.

[JES]

Thankyou foreverhis. Its nice to get reassurance on keeping Kevins truck and I hope to drive it off and on. My grandson has also wanted to " buy" it but I may just decide to gift it down the road as the value isn't there anymore.  What a nice thing for you to do for your daughter and yourself!  Sometimes it is more about giving then receiving, and doing what our hearts tell us to do. Hugs.

[foreverhis]

36 minutes ago, JES said:

doing what our hearts tell us to do

So true.  That's what I was missing by being so analytical about the car.  When my sister asked me that one question, it just clicked into place.  I think it would be a lovely gift for your grandson some day, when you're ready.  Your husband's memory would be kept alive in part by the joy your grandson would feel.

[Billie Rae]

Both of you gifting the"vehicle of memories"is a wonderful idea.The kids and grands will be able to physically see the memories they had with their grandpa.you are giving more than you can imagine[emoji307]

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[KayC]

What a wonderful thing to do!  Your sister was very wise to ask that question, it helped you answer your own.  Both of you are very wonderful people!

[foreverhis]

7 hours ago, KayC said:

What a wonderful thing to do!  Your sister was very wise to ask that question, it helped you answer your own.  Both of you are very wonderful people!

Yes, she's a wonderful person.  We've always been close, though don't always see eye-to-eye on everything, but who does?  She just looked at my face and could see the struggle, so she took the logic out of the debate and put it solely in emotional terms.  She's good at winnowing things down to the most important.

Thank you so much for the complement.  I try to do what's right, know I'll never be perfect, and ask for forgiveness whenever it's necessary.  Sometimes I ask a higher power and sometimes I ask the person right in front of me, but I've learned over the decades that love absolutely does mean having to say you're sorry.

And you're not so bad yourself!  I'm not sure you know how much help and hope you've given me and so many other "newbies" here.

[Billie Rae]

It snowed deep today,unusual for Seattle.I was shoveling my walk and on the spur of the moment decided to do my 93 year old neighbors walk.Before I new it 3 others came to help and we were laughing and being silly,it felt good to play for a moment and let a little pure joy in.Charlie would have stayed in and laughed at my antics.I find with too much time on my hands I accomplish nothing no packing no cleaning nothing.

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[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

It snowed deep today,unusual for Seattle.

I got up today, had coffee, turned on the computer, and checked our daughter's Facebook page.  She had posted a little video yesterday showing the start of the snow, which she said was very wet.  This morning, she posted a video with our granddaughter out in inches and inches of snow wearing their clamp ons walking to the park.  Our granddaughter was wearing the parka system and snow bib her grandpa bought her last winter.  They were so happy.  I haven't actually seen our girls quite that excited and happy since my love died.  It made me smile.

The last time I can remember quite that much snow in Seattle was the Great Winter Ice and Snow-In of December 2008.  That was when my hubby got "stuck" in Seattle for 5 weeks after our granddaughter was born.  I hadn't been able to travel because I'd had surgery we scheduled based on her due date.  Silly grandparents.  We'd forgotten that babies have their own schedules and she was in a hurry to pop out 3+ weeks early.  By the time I could travel, no one was getting in or out of Seattle.  I sent my hubby all his snow clothes, lots of sweaters and heavy socks, and a bunch of goodies.  He'd call every day with stories of bundling baby into his parka and carefully walking to the doctor's office close by or shoveling snow or tromping to the store for supplies to make the house warmer or for groceries.  It was the only Christmas we weren't together in our 35 years of marriage, but I was more than okay with it because he was with our girls.  Our daughter told me how much it meant to her that he was there for those first weeks.

The first 5 weeks of our granddaughter's life she was either on her mom for food or snuggle, sleeping in her bassinet at night, or on her grandpa's lap where she would nap, cuddle, and be loved all day.  He introduced the world to her and loved every minute of it. The bond he and our granddaughter developed then lasted the rest of his life.  She adored him and he adored her.  This man of mine, who I could not get to shop anywhere but the hardware store, could never resist shopping for his new "little girl."  It was a beautiful sight to see them together.  He was an amazing dad and grandpa.  A wonderful man and devoted husband.  I miss him every minute, but know we were blessed to have those years together.

Today is 7 months without my love.  It was a really hard day at the end of an emotionally difficult week.  Seeing our girls smile and play in the snow was a wonderful gift today. 

[foreverhis]

5 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

it felt good to play for a moment and let a little pure joy in

I'm so pleased for you.  It's good to have those tiny little glimmers of hope.  That neighbors came and pitched in is a wonderful thing.  I bet Charlie was smiling seeing you have a moment of silliness and joy.   I don't know him, so I can't say I "know" what he'd want for you, but I can't help but think that he'd be happy to see you have that bit of time to laugh and play.

[Billie Rae]

@foreverhis,it was good to have a little joy but under it was"I wish Charlie could see this".Your husband sounds like a wonderful man and in those weeks he bonded with the baby he left part of him in her.She will have wonderful memories for the rest of her life,one can say he left a stamp of love deep in her soul.Charlie once told me to go on living and be happy,I deserve it,but I'm not there yet,perhaps in a few years.Right now I'm angry at him for leaving me this mess,in this snow I can't get to storage or donation so I'm surrounded by boxes with no room to continue and I wonder why he didn't step up but then I think of his depression and know it's not his fault.I'm feeling anxious and frightened.love and hugs

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[KayC]

17 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

It snowed deep today,unusual for Seattle.I was shoveling my walk and on the spur of the moment decided to do my 93 year old neighbors walk.Before I new it 3 others came to help and we were laughing and being silly,it felt good to play for a moment and let a little pure joy in.Charlie would have stayed in and laughed at my antics.I find with too much time on my hands I accomplish nothing no packing no cleaning nothing.

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I love that!  I think you said you had 9 1/2" yesterday?  I got 11" and it liked to have killed me to shovel it at my age!  More coming and it's snowing right now.  I can't imagine Seattle under this much snow!  My little sister is in Aloha (Portland area) and her son in Bellevue, they're all in Egypt right now where there's ancient ruins, castles, camels, all sunny and dry...such a far cry from our cold white world right now!  I just talked to her this morning, I think she's happy to be missing the snow.
I have had such neighbors in years past, I miss those days of neighbors helping neighbors.  One of my fondest memories is of a day when we all were snowed in and couldn't go to work and we all let our dogs run and play in the snow and we were out in the street watching them (quiet dead end street in the mountains).  They had so much fun playing together!  It's like the snow changed everything.  People and even dogs became friendlier.  So enjoy, my friend!

[KayC]

34 minutes ago, Billie Rae said:

@foreverhis,it was good to have a little joy but under it was"I wish Charlie could see this".

Maybe he can!

[JES]

@foreverhis  Such a good memory and yet so sad ...glad your girls were enjoying the snow today. There is something about fresh snow, peaceful, clean, pure, brings back the child in us.  Thinking of you today and wishing you peace.  @Billie Rae  I'm also glad you were able to get out, enjoy the snow, and have alittle fun with the neighbors. Its helps give us a little break which we desperately need at this time. Hugs to all.

[Billie Rae]

Today is not as good day,all the dirt from the snow on my floor and I don't know if I'll make work tomorrow that's very stressful for me because I love my work.I'm aimless and sad.I feel tired and restless at the same time.love you guys

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[foreverhis]

6 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

it was good to have a little joy but under it was"I wish Charlie could see this".Your husband sounds like a wonderful man and in those weeks he bonded with the baby he left part of him in her.She will have wonderful memories for the rest of her life,one can say he left a stamp of love deep in her soul.

Oh, my dear, of course you were thinking that.  You'd want to share everything about your day with Charlie.  We can only hope and pray that he can see you and that he smiled for you yesterday.  I'm absolutely certain that grieving and finding a place in my soul where I can live is going to take me years.  But that's okay.  I have teeny glimmers of light now that I didn't have a few months ago.  Even though I know I will never be happy in the same way, at least in this life, I think I may some day, a long time from now, be able to let in a bit more light.

Yes, my husband was a wonderful, yet imperfect man.   He was always the favorite "grand" in our granddaughter's life.  Once she got old enough to use the phone, she'd want to call just to tell him about something she learned or something funny or just to hear his voice.  If I answered the phone, it would generally go like this:  "Hi grannie."  "Hi sweetie.  How was your day?"  "Good...Grannie?"  "Yes?" "Can I tell grandpa something?"  "Of course."  Then he'd pick up the phone and I'd hear the joy in both their voices.  I swear I could have listened to that all day.  Her mom told me (and I know it's true from pictures and Skyping) that our granddaughter insisted on wearing at least one thing her grandpa had given her every day.  He loved just browsing and sending her things like crazy socks or a new pair of boots (that started about the time she learned to walk).  I had to add a new budget item to the list.  He never did ask for much materially, so if he wanted spoil his granddaughter, you bet your booty I'd say, "Go for it."  She'd show her friends and say, "These are my 'grandpa' whatever-the-items."  Every time he sent her a jacket, hoodie, or parka, she'd want to wear it 24/7 until her mom would insist that, no, she couldn't wear a down parka and it's fleece lining to bed.  Such a blessing they were for each other. 

[Billie Rae]

Oh my dear,that is so very sweet.what memories she will have

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[KayC]

16 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Every time he sent her a jacket, hoodie, or parka, she'd want to wear it 24/7 until her mom would insist that, no, she couldn't wear a down parka and it's fleece lining to bed.

I love that!  Special memories...

[Billie Rae]

Ahh today is my worst.I'm snowed in,out of wood and the power is out.The quiet is so loud it hurts.We would have geared up and went walking instead I'm huddled under my big warm blanket that he bought me for Christmas in 2016.truly and well alone.He would have talked me into a nap and then walking to find something yummy to eat and we would both feel guilty about missing work.Now I just don't care.I watch my paired neighbors and wonder why us?why did you pick us?another time of begging you to stop it and bring yourself on home.Make me care again let me be me again.Bring my dreams back my fun in life,where am I?.Hurt hurt hurt

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[JES]

@Billie Rae  I am sorry your day is going so bad on top of already hurting so bad.  Im hoping your power is back on, if not you must be freezing. I hope you can get out and to a warmer place if it doesnt come back on. Do you have other heat if you can' t get wood for when power comes on?  I'd be going crazy too, I need my noise, if even in background...hard to even eat without no electric.   I feel so bad for you. Sending love and prayers.

[Billie Rae]

Thank you jes,it Washington a tough day.my street is so icy no one can move,and I'm only one house down from dry road.I was a bit angry at Charlie today even though it was misplaced I used 2 full cords of wood keeping him warm and now on the worst week of the last 10 years he's not here and I have to go it alone!just like when he was alive and depending on me to take care of us.I shouldn't be angry after all I was the dominant one.May be I'm angry about that.or maybe I'm feeling useless,not getting anything done,I've packed a lot but can't get to storage or the dump and can't get to work and my client is frustrated about it so I'm worried about getting fired.I was so mad today I went out to shovel the road myself and all I got was a workout and wet!I feel useless when in my other life I was useful.my client lives where they get less snow and her husband seemed a little snippy at me.It all is piling up.I'm not sure if I'm going to be alright.well things are what they are,I need to give myself a break but my brain won't let me.Thanks for letting me rant.I hope Kayc is better and taking care of her knee.love and peace to us all. Billie Rae

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[Billie Rae]

I just noticed auto correct changed was to Washington in the first sentence.omg the other day it changed peanut butter to obesity!

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[JES]

@Billie Rae   I hope tommorow will be a better day for you. You've been so strong, I forget its been less than a month for you. Of course you are feeling so many emotions, those are especially predominant in those first months. It took me 4 months to even feel able to post here.  I hope your employers can understand what you are going through.  Good luck and hang in there,  try to stay strong and feel free to vent, or be angry, or frustrated. Its ok, your grieving and its a part of this horrible journey. Love and prayers my friend.

[KayC]

Your feelings are so valid, I remember feeling mad at George for leaving, not like he had any choice or anything to do with it, our feelings are just feelings, don't have to be rational or make sense, just have to get through them, you will.  This is a hard day for you, it WILL change, this darned winter is horrible at isolating us and making us feel down, it won't last forever.  DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER SOURCE OF HEAT (when the electricity comes back on)?  Worried about you!

My knee is doing better I think, I haven't gone walking yet, am about to take my dog out.

[Billie Rae]

Hi sweetie,I left you a post under pim.love to you[emoji307][emoji8]

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[Billie Rae]

With the cold it's been a long 2 weeks,I haven't accomplished anything in regards to getting the house cleared out It was to snowy to go to the dump or storage and we haven't had garbage pick up for 2 weeks.Today or tomorrow I will go to the dump and since it's one fee I will be gathering my neighbors missed garbage to take.I miss having Charlie to help,everything went much faster when there was 2 and I had a lot more motivation.I don't sleep much at night yet find myself napping in the afternoon that's something I never did before.After my nap in the first few seconds I forget that he's not here and look over at his chair,when it's empty I get distressed all over again.Its funny but I like to visit with folks but then I feel resentful and like I've been intruded on.It feels selfish they want to help but I want to be in my space alone,maybe because it was our space and when Charlie was here we didn't have a lot of visitors or perhaps winter makes me want to hibernate.Right this time I feel like you all are enough for me.I hope through all your struggle through this winter that we all know that we are together in heart.okay enough self pity.Love and a moment's peace to us all.

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[JES]

@Billie Rae.  Your posts always bring abit of sunshine.  It has been couple rough weeks here too, cold, freezing rain, and now snow, snow and more snow. I got up grumpy today, angry at Kevin for not being here,  thinking of having to get my driveway cleared again,  with snowbanks too high to hold anymore snow,  just basically feeling sorry for myself.  I thought about all of you who are newer to situation we' re all in,  your intense pain of those first weeks, months...and decided I needed to change my attitude...that there are others in alot worse situations than me.  I know you miss your Charlie, and at times just want to be alone...its ok to just not know how your feeling.  I tooks naps alot too, sometimes two aday..have found I don't need them as much anymore. It was a way to cope at the time.  Still find weekends are harder for me but I make it through.  So wonderful you are thinking of your neighbors garbage at this time in your life, and I hope getting out abit makes your day alittle better. Hugs & Love and sending sunshine to all of us.

[JES]

@Billie Rae  I too remember waiting up from nap, looking at his recliner, expecting him to be there, waking up at night, patting the bed to see if he came to bed,  then remembering and the awful dread feeling. Reality has set in more now so I don't do it as often.  About a week ago, I woke from sound sleep to the feeling someone had crawled in bed with me,  I thought Kevin, then woke up more,  no.....Kevins not here anymore. I knew someone was laying the length of me but was afraid to move or even look. I finally got brave enough to look ,slowly moved my eyes and saw it was Kevins dog...he was on edge of bed lengthwise.  The dogs always sleep on other side of bed so it was odd for him to do that.  However I was relieved,  and after thinking about it knew they wouldn't of let anyone in without me knowing.  I sleep with my phone close now, I' m really not afraid but I don't like this "alone" feeling,  he was always there at night.  I sleep with both of our Beddie Buddies (microwave bears) and heat throughout the night...I' m always cold...this is my new reality.  Prayers to get us all through this.

[foreverhis]

On 2/16/2019 at 2:02 PM, JES said:

I' m always cold

I've been that way too.  For months, I could not get warm, even though one of my medical conditions tends to cause night sweats and overheating.  I'd look at the temperature in the room and it would be perfectly fine, but I'd have to go turn up the heat because I was so cold inside.

I also sleep with my phone on the nightstand.  It's the same thing as for you in that I'm not constantly afraid or anything, but I don't feel secure and safe the way I used to.  I had to develop a routine for bedtime because my husband was the one who always checked the garage, the house doors, and the sensor lights.  I forgot to lock the back door a couple of times and one morning woke up to both front and back doors unlocked.  Kind of freaked myself out, so now I go through a checklist before I go upstairs to bed.

Sigh.  This is all so wrong.

[Billie Rae]

@jes@foreverhis I too don't do well at night,I have to have the tv on for sound and don't have that safe feeling.With the snow melting and sliding off the roof I jump at every thud and for some reason I have developed a fear of the woodstove.I am also cold,colder than everyone else,I wear my long Johns all the time.Just had a nap and the feeling that Charlie was on his way woke me with a start.All my life people have told me how strong and competent I am but I don't feel like it anymore,I wander the house thinking of things I need to do only to have the thought vanish and I can't get it back.If it weren't for his suffering I want him back even for a week because I keep thinking of things to tell him.The Thursday before I did lay curled up with my head in his lap and we had idle everyday chit chat and even a laugh he had been having trouble sleeping for 2 nights but after that he was never awake for more than 15 minutes so it was our last real affection.We had this cat that came 1 or so weeks before diagnosis and after Charlie died 4 days later the cat left.hmm.We called him Angel Cat and I believe he was here so Charlie wouldn't be alone while I had to work.I wonder if he misses me too?Love and peace to us all

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[JES]

@Billie Rae   Your angel cat is so cute....wish he would've stayed around to keep you company....or just to cuddle with at night. My 2 springers help so much although my male can be stubborn.....my female was bday gift 5 yrs. ago and shes a mamas girl.  I also wear long johns in and out, and snowpants on really cold days. Mabbe inactivity, I too cant concentrate and sit in my recliner bundled up.                           @foreverhis I do sweat at night off and on but then the chills. My hot bears prob. help that out but I can't do without them.  We both checked locks so we always got it done.  Now I'm always checking cause I cant remember....  Ive come home to big garage door open,  left back on jeep open in front of house, so far good on house locks.  Scary...am in low crime area but it still happens.  I hope our concentration comes back. Love and hugs to all of us.

[foreverhis]

3 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

I have to have the tv on for sound

Yes!  I have yet to be able to just go upstairs and go to bed.  I have the TV on low for background, usually a favorite show I don't have to pay attention to.  Then I'll lie on the sofa until I fall asleep.  When I wake up in the middle of the night, as I always do, I'm usually fatigued enough to go finish the night in our bed for 4 or 5 hours.  I guess I get about 6-7 total, when my medical conditions really need 10 plus rest times.  I simply can't sleep and rest just leads to painful thoughts and my busy, busy brain going a mile a minute but not getting anything done.

3 hours ago, Billie Rae said:

All my life people have told me how strong and competent I am but I don't feel like it anymore,I wander the house thinking of things I need to do only to have the thought vanish and I can't get it back.

Yeah, me too.  My husband always admired strong women and never felt threatened by them.  Everyone tells me how amazing I was while he was sick, how strong, how wonderful, how caring, and all of that.  I had to be strong; he needed me to be strong. 

No one on this earth can be expected to be strong in the face of this loss.  No one.  I put on the "brave face" around people because it's what's expected and our society sucks at dealing with loss and grief, but I'm broken inside.  I get up each day with a "plan" to get things done, but most of the time it doesn't happen.  That's just the way it is for me now and maybe someday it will get a bit better. 

[KayC]

Billie Rae, George and I had a cat Tigger but George always played with him while I fixed dinner so I guess Tigger considered him his person, not me...about two months after George died, Tigger took one long last look at me, as if committing me to memory, then turned tail and left, never to be seen again.  Your cat is the only other one I've heard of leaving after besides Tigger, I wonder how often that happens.  Perhaps your cat was there for him, kept him company.  And it's so nice of you thinking of the neighbors and taking their garbage!  Here they don't have a set fee, it goes by weight and the dump is a LONG ways away so I rely on sanitation pickup and have to wait until they come, I can't drive in this right now anyway, the county hasn't plowed, got a foot in the last 24 hours.  Still have a lot of shoveling to do today, no end in sight.

foreverhis, I don't feel very strong but I think we must have some strength just to continue in the face of adversity, this is hard!  I hope something encouraging comes each of your way today. 

And as someone said, snow, snow, and more snow, and cold...I can relate!  It WAS easier when it was the two of us going through this together.

 

[JES]

@KayC  I feel so bad for you, a foot of snow is alot. Take some breaks and be careful out there, especially with the leg you hurt.  This has been a tough, very different winter for most of the country.