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Miss him sooooo much

I miss him so

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Miss him sooooo much
 
 
 
I promised my family I would look into some kind of support group. I am not ready to face someone to talk about my husband of 27 years took his life in a spare room straight down the hall where i was sitting. We had a argument over something so stupid and petty i cant even remember what it was.and told him he was being a d***. It was a stupid argument and we dont argue that often and he usually goes to the bedroom and either him or i would confront the other apologizing and saying we love each other. I waited about 15-20 min and was headed to my room to jump on the bed and land him a big kiss and saying i love you. But no thats not what I got. He wasnt in there and i noticed the light on in the spare bedroom where he had barricaded the door and i shoved my way in to find him hanging in the closet. I cut him down and called 911 in between trying to do cpr. I felt like i was getting him breathing by time paramedics arrived. When i got to the hospital i was.ready to go to his room and lay a million kisses on him and tell him i loved sooooo much but instead the doctor came to tell me my worst nightmare ever.. last night i got on his fit bit app lI dont know if thats healthy for me but I had know when he stopped breathing before I found him. I was just a few min too late. Why didnt I go just 5 min sooner.  It did show some breathes but i dont know if they were mine or his. He wanted cremated so i never got too see kiss or touch my love  again. This hurts so bad.. i kept feeling like i was going to wake up from this and he will be laying next to me. But I am sleeping less and less because  I cant stand waking up and realizing again hes not here.
I loved and still love him with all of my heart. And I know he loved me too we eere soulmates I just wish i could at lesdt said I love you one more time
 
 
 

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Pmarie

I’m so very sorry and my deepest condolences to you. It was not your fault that you did not get there “in time.” A person can suffer brain damage at any time even after just several minutes without breathing, thus the window of time is very, very narrow. I know this, because I lost the love of my life many years ago when he aspirated (at a hospital yet!) and not even the doctors or nurses noticed until many minutes later. His big and beautiful heart had thus stopped. They were able to resuscitate him, but by then he was already in a deep coma (for 3 weeks) which he never emerged from. I was told that had he recovered, he would likely not be the same person as before, due to the lack of air. Of course, I will never know. Now, after all these years later, Just as I was beginning to heal a little, I have just lost another beloved partner of 12 years. I had also lost my mother (which devastated me), and this year my close “sister friend” of many years passed away. The loss of all these people have traumatized me so much and I can’t even imagine the likely PTSD you are experiencing with the extra trauma of suicide. You are likely very much in shock. Please don’t blame yourself for not being there in time. I think we all find things to blame ourselves for after a death and have many “if only” regrets, and I know I do, but death has a mind of its own.

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Pmarie

PS. You also did everything you could once you found him, including CPR until EMS arrived; you are truly a hero. It’s very, very hard to fight death and to win.

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