Unbearable pain of Loss

[Snooch]

How to begin, how to start and then so abruptly end a story of love, companionship, sharing and trust that began 25 years ago? When the loss is sudden but to be expected, the not knowing of when or how, allows you to insulate yourself from the inevitable by carrying on as always. It happened. On the day of the first coldest night of the year, while the first snowfall lay on the ground. My beloved companion had, most likely, slipped in the mud and was unable to get up. He was aged and thin at 29 years old which in his years was the equivalent of 87 of my years. When my husband called me on the cell phone, I rushed out unprepared for what was facing me. The cold, death sucking mud and the knowledge that helping my long time friend would most likely be fruitless. I hope I did not let him down as I struggled to pull him up by his halter and lead shank while pushing and begging for him to please, please get up. I knew he could only lay prone for a limited amount of time before he would be in more danger. I had no other choice but to make a decision as I left him with my husband, and I walked back to the house with only one boot on and my hands feeling as though they were frostbit having no gloves on. The call I made to my vet was the act of giving up having made it with deepest, unselfish love I had for my best and oldest friend.

I returned to the paddock, more prepared for the cold, and laid down with my horse. I placed my hand under his head and rested my head on his. Though I did not want him to leave me, I did not want him to suffer or be afraid as I knew he was so I prayed the vet would hurry. I held him and as quickly as my tears fell on his soft head and disappeared into his fur, they were replaced with new. I will not share our last conversation as it was between two friends who could only be separated by death. Just as a mother has a special lullaby for her child, I too had one for him and I sang it to him for my very last time.

When the vet arrived I was no more prepared than when I first made the decision but I had to let go for him. I have decided on a final resting place for him in the small paddock next to the house and road. He will be close to me where he always wanted to be, where so many afternoons he would watch the world go by and talk with the horses across the road. He will be buried tomorrow afternoon.

This is the end. My Snooch, my Champagne Connection as was his registered name, was an exceptional horse. Some would call him difficult, but it was only because such a horse had to be understood. There is a beginning with so much in between that one day, soon I hope, when I can accept the great loss I am now feeling, I hope to put it to paper.

[Beatriz]

You did “put it to paper” and movingly so. I am terribly sorry for your Loss. I am in awe of Snooch’s long life, that he shared with you. You and him are blessed for the long lived friendship and love. What a most beautiful and unique being. The Pain is excruciating, I know. How can we come to terms with it is beyond me - I am still trying to accept the loss of my most beloved cats and the unasked for and not for the best changes it brought to our lives. The only thing I can tell you is the obvious fact that we must all go through it. C.S. Lewis said “that’s the deal” - there is no escaping it or else we have not truly loved. My heart goes out to you - 

[KayC]

Your beloved Snooch, stands regal...you put pen to your heart very well, expressing your love for your horse, as all of us animal lovers understand.  So hard, the hardest thing in the world, entering into this change...this phase of letting them go on to what's next, until we can be together again.  You'll be in my thoughts and prayers as he's laid to rest.