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Fault77

I’m, 35 now. I have no close bond, no partner, children or support. I can’t explain how it burns inside my throat when I think of walking away from my love on his knees begging me to give him a chance. We aborted our child I was 19. I think I resented him pressuring me to go have it done. We had a house and he was a bricklayer. He scared me, times he would go into a violent rage so I left. It was in hospital while he was on suicide watch I should have supported him and given him a chance the tears in his eyes as he begged me on his knees not to go and asked if we kept the child if we would be ok. I walked. When he hung himself I think over my life to this moment now and I think it was raw and painful but over time how it has fested and rotted my life, my soul looking back I wish I had followed soon after. It’s been one thing after another of cursed dark blackness of a world with only disappointment and cruelty seeming to build me to the point of hope just to laugh in my dispare. I can’t even explain being questioned about his suicide note that told of me having hip tied up raped with barb wire and poly pipe for 8 hours. That never showed up in the autopsy but they let me know the rope burns on his hands did from when he changed his mind. I google the house we had at times to somehow be close to him. Now that I see how hard it is finding someone you truly love. I remember his smell, his infectious laugh and the way he made me feel to have someone consumed without control with love for me 

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Pmarie

I am truly sorry for your loss. Though not to suicide, I’ve also just loss my life’s partner. He was in the hospital, yet still suffered an excruciating death. I’m in the very same dark space you are, also so thankful for having experienced the love, although I don’t know where to put that love now. It’s strange, to be in love with someone, and then the person vanishes forever. I can’t wrap my head around it. I don’t understand life. I spend most my day in bed. It hasn’t even been a month and I suspect I’ll be in this dark place a long, long time. You are not alone. I’m right next to you. You just can’t see me because it’s so dark. My condolences 

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Fault77

My condolences to you also, the world has a cruel way that tells us that love is bigger than anything within it. it seems like their gone at times,  there’s comfort that they has just moved in waiting for you in another place one where all the chaos is gone and love within our spirits has more room to grow 

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