Nowhere to go from here

[NoName17]

Hi, my name is Matt, I'm 17, and I posted something on the teens loss forum; however, I was informed that I should post something here, as that section doesn't get much support. I'm not going into incredible detail again, it is difficult to talk about, so please read my other post if you're interested in the whole story. I lost my partner at the age of 14, and Valentine's Day marks the 3rd anniversary of her death. I don't have the strength to face the people around me with even the information that we were together; consequently, there are a total of 3 individuals close to me that know she even existed, let alone that she was important to me. Reluctantly, I came here in search of something to get me through my heartache, or just a place to talk. The day that I held the girl I loved in my arms as the light faded from her eyes,  I lost what made me feel human.

[brynel]

Hi Matt..its heartbreaking to know that u lost someone so young. I cant imagine how u may be handling something as huge as grief, at such a tender age. We r all suffering the loss of someone who meant the world to us. Each day is a challenge to get by. She must have been really v special to u..i can see it by how fondly u speak of her. I hope u find some salve here for your broken heart. I will remember u in my prayers today, that like all of us here, u can share ur sadness and find some solace.

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[ModHerc]

I’m glad you made your way here Matt.  From what you wrote about how difficult it was for you to reach out, I was concerned that you might not.  I am once again so sorry that your girlfriend was murdered.  It must also be difficult knowing that those responsible were never caught.

Talking with others about our loved ones passing is always difficult.  Most of my friends, coworkers, and even several of my family don’t know how much my wife’s passing affected, and still affects me.  It is almost like they don’t want to know, or at the very least don’t want to be confronted with thinking about it.

While my isolation isn’t nearly as intense as yours, I do have some understanding of how hard that can be.  I found that sharing here definitely eases the loneliness and gives me people that empathize and understand.  I hope you find compassion and comfort here as well,

Herc

 

 

PS  For those looking for Matt’s initial post, you can find a link below.

 

[KayC]

On 1/19/2019 at 12:23 AM, NoName17 said:

Valentine's Day marks the 3 year anniversary of the girl I loved's death. She was murdered and the criminal was never caught. Very few people know of our relationship in my life, my entire family being excluded from the information, and I've been struggling with the memory for this long. I'm not sure when my heartache will end, and it's extremely hard to talk about it, given how young I am. People always say, "You don't know love, you're too young, you can't." But those people didn't have to hold someone they love in their arms as the light faded from their eyes. I have no idea where to even start trying to repair my heart, let alone my mind. I've become so disconnected with my emotions other than rage and sorrow, and the people closest to me have no way of understanding or trying to help. All I've done since then is get through what I must in life, and try to make my future brighter in the hope it will change something within me. I came to college at the age of 16 so that I could be independent, and better my future, but it's really all a cover for my despair. At this point all I want to be doing is living alone with a job I just show up to in order to continue my solitude. I've stopped loving the things I used to, and my happiness is gone. Even the reflection of joy is fading for me at this point, I struggle to attempt at faking a smile, it simply feels wrong. I've tried to put my energy into others, like friends, as well as trying my hand at new relationships, but all it does is put me further into my pit of darkness. I have no where, and no one to turn to, and even joining this site was difficult. I'm looking for whatever I can get to maybe get away from the onrushing train of depression.

Matt,

I am truly sorry for your loss, I can't begin to imagine how hard that would be at such a young age, when for most of us it was hard enough as adults to suffer loss, but to go through this due to murder and not even see justice, as hollow as that word may seem, that is just all the harder.  Could you talk with someone at your college to see if counseling is available?  It can help to have a professional grief counselor that can help guide you through this, even though three years have passed, it doesn't just disappear, as you've experienced already.  I hope by coming here and voicing yourself and reading some of our posts you can feel a little less alone in this.  I wish we had some concrete answers, some step A - Z to follow, but everyone's grief is as unique as their relationship was.  My experience has been more of a modge podge of information gleaned, a bit from here, a bit from there, learned along the way...it's been 13 1/2 years for me and it's never truly over but I have learned to live with it...still there's times that are harder than other times to get through.  

My heart breaks for you as I hear you tell how people think you're too young to know...oh how wrong they are, no one can ever tell someone else they don't know how they're feeling.  I remember how strong my emotions were at that age, don't ever let anyone tell you that.

If you could have a goal for your life, if it was attainable, even if you can't see it possible, what would that be?

 

[Glolilly]

Dear Matt, I so sorry for the sudden loss of your girlfriend that was so unexpected and evil. I hope you find healing and comfort that we are not alone in this pain and suffering. We come on this forum often , a day or a week to read and post our thoughts and to ask questions of each other. The answers are only our opinions and not medical or professional counseling services. If you Need professional help, they  can be free help through crisis hotlines, local hospital and hospice facilities, plus schools. I know some on here did use local grief support groups they found from asking local people, funeral homes and social workers at nearby emergency clinics. I myself found solace not only on here but in my local church and grieving books. Everybody is different so what works for one may not help much for the other. I believe you are moving in the right direction seeking help from others. Trying to find how others get through this pain. It's good to talk, to have silence, to be around others then be alone awhile. But know she would want you to thrive and live in due time as you get better with this pain. Many  do get better with help to move forward with family, friends and sometimes group support .Time does take the strong edge off as time goes on but you never forget the love you had and that can't be taken away. Take comments that help and skim through others that don't really speak to your heart. I pray for your peace and strength as you juourney on this path. Reach out for help if you need more than this forum. Hugs.

[NoName17]

Thank you, all who have responded, with your encouragement and support. It honestly means a great deal to me, as I had always feared invalidation of what was going on for me. That is most of the reason I've kept it bottled up so long, so as not to face that fear of loneliness. Most days, when I would think that I wanted to tell someone, I would get that sharp knife of, "What if they think I'm not serious? What if they say what I'm feeling isn't real?" And then I think it's better to force yourself to be alone, than to be made alone by others. I spent these hellish three years in that mindset, never letting anyone see the truth, or seeing that there's anything wrong at all. Some days I tell myself it was my fault. That I shouldn't have let her protect me, that I should've been protecting her. Some days it gets so bad that I feel it should've been me who got those three bullets to the chest. It should've been me that never got justice for his murder. It should've been her that got to live her life because she deserved one more. And then something comes up, or someone wants to hang out with me, and I ahve to put back on my fake smiles, and my forced laughter, because to them nothing is wrong.

I once told my friend who asked me why my eyes always looked sad, "A fake smile isn't just to look happy. It's to tell everyone that they need not worry, for you have it handled, no matter how broken you are. A forced laugh isn't just for those around you, it's so you can hear what joy sounds like so as not to forget. My eyes might betray my thoughts, but it is my nature to solve problems alone; therefore, be happy, your friend is still in here somewhere, he's just looking for opportunities to show himself, even if it's a mask."

[ModHerc]

@NoName17,

Your description of the mask is perfect.  I know I have had to hide my emotions on many occasions.  Times at work, or social engagements where showing those emotions would be too disruptive, both to others, and to myself.

I’ve also definitely had the desire to trade places.  To let her live and experience this life because she deserved it.  Then I think about her going through the pain that I feel on a daily basis from my loss, and I am at least consoled by the fact that I can endure this for her so she doesn’t have to know the pain of this loss.

Please don’t place any of the blame on yourself.  The person responsible hasn’t been caught, but don’t think for a moment that any of this is anyone else’s fault.  Even if they are never caught, which unfortunately three years in is the most likely outcome, they are accountable.  They may not face any legal consequences, they may not be bothered even by a guilty conscience, but never doubt for a second that they are to blame.  Wishing you peace and comfort,

Herc

[KayC]

I couldn't agree more, you don't deserve blame or self-recriminations.  Bullets are so fast, by the time they register, it's over and done.  All but the crying.

I've often heard the term "fake it until you make it", I don't know how legit a term it is but it always seemed to me to make sense, like proceeding on faith, keeping going.  What else can we do?

And as for the guilty party...they know, they have to know, they carry that with them, how do they ever have any peace in this life knowing what they did?  Some people don't seem to have a conscience, don't seem bothered by what they do, but all the same, they cannot have clear conscience and they can't shake this off either.  That's worse than any prison sentence by my way of looking at it, although you might feel, and rightly so, different.

We DO all wish for you peace and comfort, for all of us here.