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NoName17

I'm struggling with the death of the girl I loved

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NoName17

Valentine's Day marks the 3 year anniversary of the girl I loved's death. She was murdered and the criminal was never caught. Very few people know of our relationship in my life, my entire family being excluded from the information, and I've been struggling with the memory for this long. I'm not sure when my heartache will end, and it's extremely hard to talk about it, given how young I am. People always say, "You don't know love, you're too young, you can't." But those people didn't have to hold someone they love in their arms as the light faded from their eyes. I have no idea where to even start trying to repair my heart, let alone my mind. I've become so disconnected with my emotions other than rage and sorrow, and the people closest to me have no way of understanding or trying to help. All I've done since then is get through what I must in life, and try to make my future brighter in the hope it will change something within me. I came to college at the age of 16 so that I could be independent, and better my future, but it's really all a cover for my despair. At this point all I want to be doing is living alone with a job I just show up to in order to continue my solitude. I've stopped loving the things I used to, and my happiness is gone. Even the reflection of joy is fading for me at this point, I struggle to attempt at faking a smile, it simply feels wrong. I've tried to put my energy into others, like friends, as well as trying my hand at new relationships, but all it does is put me further into my pit of darkness. I have no where, and no one to turn to, and even joining this site was difficult. I'm looking for whatever I can get to maybe get away from the onrushing train of depression.

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ModHerc

@NoName17,

I am so sorry for you, and your wonderful partner.  I’m not a teen, and haven’t been for almost three decades, but I don’t think that love, or feeling it, is exclusive to those of a certain age.  The loss of a loved one is always painful, but I can relate to how much more painful it is on certain dates.  Valentine’s Day is already an incredibly difficult time for me, with that being the anniversary of her passing I can understand how much more painful it is for you.

Not having a support network that is even aware of the situation, let alone understanding and compassionate must be incredibly difficult.  Many of us in grief find, and are upset, that those support networks fade and fail over time.  To not have had one even at the start must have been very challenging.  I wish you didn’t have to go through that.

I can’t tell you that your heartache will end.  In my experience, and from the accounts of almost all those I have talked to, it doesn’t.  Grief continues to be a part of our lives, but we do find ways to manage it given time.  I hope it is the same for you.

For me, finding, joining, and participating on this site was very helpful.  While I wish that none of us had reason to be here, I am glad that you found it, and that even though it was difficult you decided to try.  I don’t know how many responses you will get on this sub forum.  While I know there are many teens on the site, before your post the last post in this specific area was in August, so the responses may be limited.

I know that finding those that you more closely identify with is very useful.  I personally get particular benefit from the insights of widowers between 35 and 55.  At the same point, I find the views of everyone with similar experiences also help, regardless of age, gender, or type of loss.  If you want to, please consider posting something in the loss of a partner forum.  I am certain that I, and probably many others, would benefit from your views and thoughts, and certainly hope you would take something away from the interactions as well.  Wishing you all the compassion and comfort you can find,

Herc

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