Feeling mad

[SSC]

I know feeling mad can be part of the grieving process.  As I look at the pictures of my husband (I seem to have put one in every main room of the house) I find that I don’t talk to him as much.  It now feels like I’m mad and I don’t have anything to say to him.  I feel removed from it all.  I can’t even remember how the old me used to be.  I can’t remember being carefree and happy. I can’t imagine I’ll ever feel that way again. 

[ModKatB]

4 hours ago, SSC said:

I know feeling mad can be part of the grieving process.  As I look at the pictures of my husband (I seem to have put one in every main room of the house) I find that I don’t talk to him as much.  It now feels like I’m mad and I don’t have anything to say to him.  I feel removed from it all.  I can’t even remember how the old me used to be.  I can’t remember being carefree and happy. I can’t imagine I’ll ever feel that way again. 

I remember being so angry at my husband I stood in our living room and yelled at him for about 30 minutes one night. I am sure if my neighbors heard me that night they probably thought I had lost my mind. The anger is part of what happens and for me it seem to come and go during those first few months. It is a long journey on a emotional roller coaster with plenty of ups and downs but don't give up hope. We all have to find the things that help us get from day to day and moment to moment and somewhere down the road all of those wonderful memories will bring joy and not so many tears.

As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile.

[LeannC45]

5 hours ago, SSC said:

I know feeling mad can be part of the grieving process.  As I look at the pictures of my husband (I seem to have put one in every main room of the house) I find that I don’t talk to him as much.  It now feels like I’m mad and I don’t have anything to say to him.  I feel removed from it all.  I can’t even remember how the old me used to be.  I can’t remember being carefree and happy. I can’t imagine I’ll ever feel that way again. 

I understand being angry. After the one year anniversary of my husband being gone I found myself back in a dark hole. I felt angry and I kept replaying what happened to him in my mind over and over again desperately looking for a different outcome. If only I had done this if only I had done that and after a while of doing that your mind attacks every sensible thought that exists. It is a very scary and emotional journey. Grief is like nothing I have ever experienced before. I understand now why it is crucial to find support so that you can decipher what all the emotions mean and understand that they are normal. It doesn't feel normal in fact it feels terrifying. My hope for you is that you hold on tight and let this particular set of emotions pass because some how they do. We just have to keep reaching for support and practicing self-care so that we can stay healthy.  God Bless.

[loveboo]

I am really ashamed to admit this but in the last couple of days my mind had angry thoughts kind of like "how could you leave me?" but immediately I felt so sorry and guilty for thinking it.

Somewhat related, has anyone else thought things then immediately asked yourself "why did I just think that?"

It kind of like that exercise where someone says don't picture an elephant in your mind and your mind immediately pictures an image of an elephant.

[Glolilly]

Whenever I feel mad at him for leaving me to finish raising our sons and managing everything, I talk back to myself that he loved us but had no choice in leaving. Also I think if it had been him left, he would've had a rougher time than me since I have always paid the bills, cooked, etc. I was the better manager. I believe the grieving process is trying to make sense of it all to accept the loss. It's like if I can't have you, I'll be mad at you. A mental balancing act sort of I think.

[ModHerc]

I felt anger during my grief many times.  Occasionally I directed the anger towards my wife.  Which then brought on shame and regret for a while.  After thinking about it for a long time I came to a couple of conclusions on it.

First, being mad about her passing was rational and normal.  Anyone who suffers this kind of loss has perfect reason to be mad.  I misdirected the anger when I focused it on her for “leaving” me, but the emotion itself wasn’t crazy or wrong.  I should have been angry at my situation, but it is hard to be angry without having something specific to focus the anger towards, so with an overflow of emotion, I had to find somewhere to put it.

Second, it wasn’t the first time I had been mad at her.  We had a relationship, and like most relationships, there were times we agreed, and times we didn’t.  When we didn’t agree strongly, we got mad.  And getting mad didn’t mean we didn’t love one another then, quite the opposite, it meant we cared for one another enough that when we thought the other was doing something “wrong” we allowed it to affect our own happiness.  For me, anger is not the opposite of love, indifference is the opposite of love.  If I was “allowed” to be angry before she passed, then I am after as well.

Third and lastly, I realized that even if I had misdirected the anger towards her, it was better than misdirecting it in other ways and lashing out at those close to me.  I rarely get mad now, and not at her for a long time.  But if it did happen again it wouldn’t mean I didn’t love her, it would mean I had a strong emotion and had to get rid of it in some way.  I can picture her smiling at me, asking if I felt better now, and telling me she loves me too.

So now I let myself be angry when I need to, and believe fully that if I let that momentary anger affect my thoughts, or bring on shame, or regret, that I give it far more power over my grief than it deserves.  But as with almost everything in grief, it is far easier said than done.  As always wishing you all the peace and calm you can find,

Herc

[SSC]

Thank you all for your insight.  To know I’m not alone with these feelings has been so helpful.  @ModHerc You articulate your thoughts so well.  I now understand that this grief process ebbs and flows and can and probably will take years.

[KayC]

We can feel pretty much anything and everything and I don't think we should feel ashamed or embarrassed by how we feel, it's all part of the process.

[Sunflower2]

22 hours ago, LeannC45 said:

Grief is like nothing I have ever experienced before. I understand now why it is crucial to find support so that you can decipher what all the emotions mean and understand that they are normal.

I've noticed this repeatedly and have expressed often to those that may ask.  "I've never ever felt the depth of despair and hopelessness that I've experienced with my loss." It seems to help me and help those when ask how I'm doing.  It usually follows "I'm doing my best. "  I find no reason for me to provide much more unless they ask. 

 

On ‎1‎/‎17‎/‎2019 at 6:56 AM, SSC said:

I know feeling mad can be part of the grieving process

Yes and as with every other emotion it sneaks up when we least expect it.  When this stage/feeling hits I usually shar it with my partner. It helps!  

[Moment2moment]

I can sure relate to all of this. Anger, sadness, guilt, terror, frustration, relief, hopelessness, peace, confusion, resentment, exhaustion,  longing, and more in a crazy swirling mix from day to day with each coming on with no prediction of when or why sometimes. 

My grief counselor keeps reassuring me that this is all normal but it sure isn't fun.

So I survived the horror of her sickness and death, but where is the celebration?

I sit here alone, eat alone, sleep alone,  work and come home to alone. Sure, I have 4 people that I can call and chat with and then I hang up the phone and I am alone. Thank God for my dogs is all I can say.

I think about running away but to where and who? Some days nothing seems to console me. Other days I feel just fine and might even laugh out loud.

I found this article, "You're not going crazy, you're grieving". Read it over and over. Yep, that's me.

Still hurting like hell though and the one I want to run to who can hold me and console me is gone.

Some days I feel like I am not going to make it. "Why am I still here?", I ask.

Then half an hour later I feel calm and walk the dog and like it all never happened. Crazy making emotions and I am a wreck some days.

"Why did you leave me? Where are you?!"

[KayC]

This week I have had one of the worst viruses of my life...it's one that lasts at least eight days judging from those who got it before I did, it feels like a good year of misery.  People say to take Niquill but I have no one to go get it for me.  You see, everyone else that has this also has a spouse.  Not me.  I still have to get the wood in, build fires, take care of the dog and cat (who is also sick).  I don't feel like eating which is fine because I feel even less like cooking.  This topic suits me fine this week.  Feeling mad?  Well I'm not feeling good!  Day five, and snow is coming.  It makes you wonder what we did to deserve this while other people still have their spouses!  I know, nothing, but we FEEL that way.  It doesn't go away.

 

[Moment2moment]

On 1/19/2019 at 11:55 AM, KayC said:

This week I have had one of the worst viruses of my life...it's one that lasts at least eight days judging from those who got it before I did, it feels like a good year of misery.  People say to take Niquill but I have no one to go get it for me.  You see, everyone else that has this also has a spouse.  Not me.  I still have to get the wood in, build fires, take care of the dog and cat (who is also sick).  I don't feel like eating which is fine because I feel even less like cooking.  This topic suits me fine this week.  Feeling mad?  Well I'm not feeling good!  Day five, and snow is coming.  It makes you wonder what we did to deserve this while other people still have their spouses!  I know, nothing, but we FEEL that way.  It doesn't go away.

 

Kay

I was sick with a bug and missed 2 days of my job (which keeps me sane) and I can so relate to what you say. We can feel so bad, but the dog still needs to be fed and walked, etc. I am so grateful that just about every place around here will deliver groceries and take out food if I get housebound with the flu, etc. I can call Lyft if I need a ride to the hospital, etc. That makes me feel secure. Now if I could just teach these dogs to cook! LOL 

Hope you are feeling better!

[KayC]

Alas in the country there is no Uber or Lyft, no grocery delivery or Rx delivery, the hospital is an ambulance away...sometimes I wonder what I was thinking settling someplace so remote!  Ahh but the plan was being married and having each other to lean on!  Ha!  There are trade offs, living here, and when I see deer in the yard or incredible beauty, I remember why I live here, so the hardships and sacrifices seem worth it all, but there's times like this week I think I need my head examined.  

Yes indeed, if only we could get the dogs to cook!  I have to cook for my dog (he has Acute Chronic Colitis) and yesterday had to make a batch of his food, took 1 1/2 hours plus cleanup.  It took every ounce of strength but I got it done.  I have a trench in front of my carport, at the bottom of a steep driveway, it has a grate on it to drive over, the water is supposed to run off, well it wasn't entering it, so I'm out there yesterday in the pouring rain trying to divert the water into the trench for runoff, just what I need when I'm sick!  It's been a challenging week.

I think back to when George or I were sick, the most well one would take care of the other, we slept sitting up in our reclining loveseat together...our last night together was that way as he wasn't feeling well...little did I know that it was heart and that he would be taken from me that weekend.  Maybe one of these days I can go be with him...oh I know, I probably have another 25 years, but maybe not, none of us ever knows...

[ModHerc]

@KayC,

Just hoping you feel a bit better soon.  I wish I could send you a bowl of soup.  My new house has mums, which happen to be my daughters favorite.  Hoping you see a few pansies this spring,

Herc

[Mary G]

On 1/19/2019 at 11:55 AM, KayC said:

This week I have had one of the worst viruses of my life...it's one that lasts at least eight days judging from those who got it before I did, it feels like a good year of misery.  People say to take Niquill but I have no one to go get it for me.  You see, everyone else that has this also has a spouse.  Not me.  I still have to get the wood in, build fires, take care of the dog and cat (who is also sick).  I don't feel like eating which is fine because I feel even less like cooking.  This topic suits me fine this week.  Feeling mad?  Well I'm not feeling good!  Day five, and snow is coming.  It makes you wonder what we did to deserve this while other people still have their spouses!  I know, nothing, but we FEEL that way.  It doesn't go away.

 

I remember that feeling, I was sick few weeks after he passed and he always took such good care of me. I kept saying to myself whose gonna take care of me now. we have grown adult chikdren but it’s not the same 

[Mary G]

On 1/18/2019 at 10:43 AM, Sunflower2 said:

I've noticed this repeatedly and have expressed often to those that may ask.  "I've never ever felt the depth of despair and hopelessness that I've experienced with my loss." It seems to help me and help those when ask how I'm doing.  It usually follows "I'm doing my best. "  I find no reason for me to provide much more unless they ask. 

 

Yes and as with every other emotion it sneaks up when we least expect it.  When this stage/feeling hits I usually shar it with my partner. It helps!  

Whenever I get asked about how I’m doing, depeding on who ask I say so you want me to say what everyone expects me to say or the truth. 

[LeannC45]

On 1/19/2019 at 8:55 AM, KayC said:

This week I have had one of the worst viruses of my life...it's one that lasts at least eight days judging from those who got it before I did, it feels like a good year of misery.  People say to take Niquill but I have no one to go get it for me.  You see, everyone else that has this also has a spouse.  Not me.  I still have to get the wood in, build fires, take care of the dog and cat (who is also sick).  I don't feel like eating which is fine because I feel even less like cooking.  This topic suits me fine this week.  Feeling mad?  Well I'm not feeling good!  Day five, and snow is coming.  It makes you wonder what we did to deserve this while other people still have their spouses!  I know, nothing, but we FEEL that way.  It doesn't go away.

 

KayC, hope you are feeling better. 

[SSC]

@Moment2moment

crazy emtions. I’m there with you.. people to talk to...?  I’m finding more and more that no one wants to hear about it.. it makes them uncomfortable.  I just shut up and smile.  Pretend like I’m just fine...I think about getting a dog.  Who knows... maybe I’m not up to caring for a puppy right now...

[SSC]

@KayC I hope you are feeling better as well. I can’t imagine having to go get wood and build a fire while being ill.  It’s snowing here and I don’t want to shovel the driveway and I’m not even sick! 

I spent the weekend at Disneyland with my 2 girls. (A story for another time) and all I could see were couples and families.  I am happy for people but at the same time mad because that has been taken from me.  Something I never wanted.  Any time I would see couples kiss I had to look away. Especially older couples.  It seems so unfair.  I’ll never be able to be with someone who knows and excepts me for who I am again.  It’ll never be the same.

[KayC]

15 hours ago, ModHerc said:

@KayC,

Just hoping you feel a bit better soon.  I wish I could send you a bowl of soup.  My new house has mums, which happen to be my daughters favorite.  Hoping you see a few pansies this spring,

Herc

Oh Herc, that meant so much to me, you remembered!  Yes, lots of pansies.  And as for the bowl of soup, I took a cup of homemade soup out of the freezer yesterday, had half of it, will have the other half for lunch.  Guess I was thinking the same thing!

[KayC]

11 minutes ago, SSC said:

I can’t imagine having to go get wood and build a fire while being ill.  It’s snowing here and I don’t want to shovel the driveway and I’m not even sick! 

That's okay, I get that, I never seem to want to shovel snow either!  But I don't plan on shoveling while I'm sick, much too exerting.  Luckily it's not materializing like they expected but they're still predicting it the next couple of days.  It can do what it wants, I'm staying in while I recuperate, except to walk the dog, ugh.
 

 

31 minutes ago, SSC said:

I think about getting a dog.  Who knows... maybe I’m not up to caring for a puppy right now...

Have you thought about adopting a dog past the puppy stage?  Mine was a year old when I adopted him but had no training whatsoever so I still had a year of teaching him but he's turned out to be the best dog I've ever had (but then don't we always say that?), honestly though, he is the smartest I've ever had so I don't think I'm over biases.  Next time maybe I'll get one a little older yet although that means less time together.  Just not sure I'm up to the puppy stuff.  They sure are good companions once broke in though!

[Moment2moment]

11 hours ago, KayC said:

That's okay, I get that, I never seem to want to shovel snow either!  But I don't plan on shoveling while I'm sick, much too exerting.  Luckily it's not materializing like they expected but they're still predicting it the next couple of days.  It can do what it wants, I'm staying in while I recuperate, except to walk the dog, ugh.
 

 

Have you thought about adopting a dog past the puppy stage?  Mine was a year old when I adopted him but had no training whatsoever so I still had a year of teaching him but he's turned out to be the best dog I've ever had (but then don't we always say that?), honestly though, he is the smartest I've ever had so I don't think I'm over biases.  Next time maybe I'll get one a little older yet although that means less time together.  Just not sure I'm up to the puppy stuff.  They sure are good companions once broke in though!

Kay

Glad you are feeling better! I lived for many years way out in the country, so I get that.

I adopted an older dog in November and now have two and I have to say that they create so much meaning and love in my daily life. One goes to work with me on my delivery route and the other stays home. So nice to come home to him with cuddles and love. 

Another life saver is my grief counselor that I see weekly. She is the only person left that I am able to talk to about my loss unless I come here. Every one else has moved on and seems to think I should too.

[Mary G]

On 1/21/2019 at 11:01 AM, SSC said:

@Moment2moment

crazy emtions. I’m there with you.. people to talk to...?  I’m finding more and more that no one wants to hear about it.. it makes them uncomfortable.  I just shut up and smile.  Pretend like I’m just fine...I think about getting a dog.  Who knows... maybe I’m not up to caring for a puppy right now...

Exactly, I think people only ask how are you but not really wanting the truth. I feel that everyone thinks I should be fine and moving forward but I just want to run backwards and move forward.