big sister took her life. unexpected

[tee2002]

okay so i'm not one to talk about my feelings at all so i'm not sure what to say.

My sister 6 years older than me took her own life on the 23rd of September this year she was only 21 ( 22 tomorrow, 18-1-2019 ), Honestly it was the worst thing I've ever heard! 

for me it was unexpected, we used to be super close and she would tell me everything whenever she was sad and whatnot but i would never know what to do being so young so i would talk to my mum about what to do and say because at the time she wasn't living at home and mum an her didn't get along. so she got mad and stopped telling me everything, wishing i never said anything to my mum because maybe she would of told me she was having suicide thoughts.

she blocked all the family from her Facebook so we couldn't see her posts, police seem to think that it was because she knew we would be there for her.

3 months prior i saw her every second weekend because she was pregnant and was staying with us so mum and her where better than ever and so were my brother (10), Chels (late sister) and myself. she gave birth to a gorgeous baby girl who went into our care due to not being ready to be a mum yet. 

we did everything together she made me bubs godmother and even though it was a tough pregnancy she always made sure i was okay and was there for me through everything! i just wish i could have been there for her.

the night of her death she texted someone and told them what she was going to do and that person left her on read! why? why would someone ignore something so serious?! 

i hated loosing her she was my everything and even though we weren't always the closest we were sisters and i loved her so much and i'm so mad at myself for not telling her more often.

she passed 7 days before my 16th birthday and i was so mad at her like why would she do it? why so close to my birthday? we planned my 16th for years.

i seem to be fine i think? i went through a stage where the only thing i wanted to do was to take my own life just to see her, i still do but not as much. 

dude i would do anything to be able to see my sister again. 

i understand that no one is responsible for a suicide but i feel like i am because maybe if i was there for her i could have stopped it. There was no note, no messages. she just done it and i wish i knew why? 

i wish she could have known how many people cared about her she was an amazing person, my first and best best friend i will ever have, and an amazing sister an i will be forever grateful for having her in my life. 

There was over 400 people at her service everyone loved her so i don't understand.   

why couldn't someone so smart realise how loved she was.

i love you chels and i will see you soon.

[reader]

Dear tee2002,

I am so sorry your deep pain and sorrow. It is a terrible shock to lose a family member so suddenly. It is something so unimaginable and I know how desperately we all wish we could go back in time and change the outcome.

Please know you are not alone. I hope you are leaning on trusted friends and family members. And if you want to, maybe consider joining a support group in the community or through church.

These websites also provide some additional supports.

Grief in Common

Grief Healing Blog

Tiny Buddha

What's Your Grief

GriefShare.Org

Grief Recovery Method.

Please know we are thinking of you. Sending all my thoughts and prayers.