Changing Decor after a loss

[Glolilly]

Hello everyone, my sister who lost her husband Sep 26, 2018 sent me a picture of her redecorated master bedroom. I lost my husband 8 months before her but I actually feel secure the way it is. IIs it true that you feel better if you rearrange things or does it show you are moving forward? My oldest son also mentioned doing this in his bedroom. What does it accomplish? I've heard some even repainted rooms after parents pass. Does it help? Your thoughts please...

[Pmarie]

I think that would depend on the individual person. I knew someone who had her husband’s entire belongings removed the next day and someone else who kept the room exactly as he left it right up to now, many years later. I don’t think repainting a room is too extreme. But just remember that the things you let go of (keepsakes and objects) you might later regret. It’s best to wait awhile for that. In fact, waiting to be sure how you feel about anything right now may be best.

[Glolilly]

I looked at some sofa slipcovers last since the leather sofa set is showing their age with discoloration and worn down cushions. It would be easy to remove and change back I'm thinking. But with the added expense I don't know if I'm ready to say goodbye to the current look and feel. There is no rush I hear you say, just trying to show people I'm doing great or pretending  I'm all new again? 

[Moment2moment]

I would say to not be hasty in your changing or getting rid of their things or how your living space is arranged. I did rid the entire house of anything that signaled her illness, even down to blankets used in her hospice bed. It was too painful to look at. I got rid of the medical items and packed one particular blanket away.

I did some rearranging of the entire living space and turned the sick room into a reading/lounge room.

A few of her items hang in the closet and some of her personal items, books, and photos are also out. Photos are things are from the good days when she was healthy. Her clothes are packed away in storage for now.

I am not ready to part with those and may never be.

I think everyone should do what feels natural to them. I just know that 35 years ago I hastily got rid of everything when my mother died and I have regretted it for years.

[ModHerc]

@Glolilly,

My experience has been that changing things has been helpful at times.  I wouldn't change simply for the sake of changing, or with the thought of giving other people the impression you are doing well.  But if you want to change something for yourself there is no reason not to in my opinion.  As Moment2Moment said, I would be careful about getting rid of things, particularly those that were of significance to your husband.  I think those are the most likely to bring emotional attachments and issues with them. 

I like your idea of doing some small things and seeing how you feel about them, slipcovers, or maybe just rearranging where the furniture is to start with.  Like you said, if it turns out you aren't happy with it, then it would be easy to change back.  When I made changes, they caused some intense emotions, and still do at times.

I was afraid that new things would make me feel as though I were losing some of my connection with my wife.  That hasn't happened at all.  If anything I feel a bit of a stronger connection now thinking how much she would have liked some of the new.  For me at least I found that change and growth was positive, and that the physical objects don't matter so much, because I will always have her with me.  Wishing you the best,

Herc

[KayC]

Some make changes, some don't, I didn't.  I do, however, sleep in our reclining loveseat rather than in our bed.  I don't know why it's any better than the bed, it held great meaning for us, our first piece of furniture together, but it's weird like that, what brings one person comfort is different for someone else.

[Marcel]

I did some changes in our living room, but I tried to keep it in the same spirit that my wife invented. I got rid of the TV and the wood oven as both just took up space without providing anything. I got a nice solid rosewood sideboard and a big Mango bookshelf that I think she would have loved, too. She may not appriciate putting up my stereo but it's important to me so I did it.
I'd never get rid of our tower clock, the only material posession she cared about, since it was inherited from her great-grandmother and is about a century old.
I got rid of some tiny stuff and I donated all her clothes as she wished, except for her wedding dress. The dress from our formal wedding dress that is, the one she bought for our church wedding is the one she was cremated in.
Do what feels right for you but don't rush anything. But if you want to make some changes that you're sure you feel good about, just do it. You can still store the old stuff if you are hesitant about it.

[ModKatB]

In the beginning I think it might be better to wait before doing anything big. I remember my emotions were all over the place and it made it hard for me to think straight.  But like anything else that happens while you are grieving and having to figure out this new way of life, do what makes you comfortable. If a change is something you are okay with then do it or if you feel like things are good the way they are then leave them. We all have to do what makes us feel better and not worry what others may think of our actions.

 

As always my wish is that all of us can find peace and maybe a small reason to smile.