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Watching rom coms and crying


EternalFlames

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EternalFlames

Do any of you also obsessively rewatch some old rom coms, wax nostalgic, and cry over the love you've lost?

I find it weird to say it as a man. I never expected myself to be the type to do this before. But I miss her so much, miss her love, miss the way I felt with her.. and long to feel that again. Binge watching romcoms also seems like something she would do, and in a weird way, makes me feel closer to her (though many scenes also trigger big waves of grief).

I'm trying to date and rebuild my life now (it's been 2.5 years), but everyone I meet feels "meh". It all feels gray and empty. I want to believe in that deep passionate life-changing love again so that life doesn't seem so meaningless and empty... and for some reason it only seems to exist on TV.  Real life is disappointing.

But, unlike a lot of lovelorn young people dreaming about TV romance, I know it's not just fiction. My wife and I felt that. She was truly my soulmate, the love of my life, my other half. I know that feeling is real.  I just wish I could feel it again. The closest thing I get is watching rom coms and then crying over old photo albums.

At first I used to feel it more when I talked to her spirit, but over time I know her spirit is fading away, moving on, returning to the universe in life's continuing cycle, leaving me here alone

 

 

 

 

 

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50 first dates.  It was one of my wife's favorites.  I keep hoping that I could be the one to go to sleep and wake up to feel it all over again.  You're not alone.  Men are allowed to cry too, and if there is anything that should bring any of us to tears, it is knowing what we have lost.

I haven't started dating again.  I know I'm not ready for that, because I would want the new to be the same as the old.  When I am ready to accept that the new will be different, but good in its own way, I may start dating again.

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Still very early in my journey... I can't even bring myself to watch any movie or tv show cause of the "how could I enjoy this" guilt I know I would feel.

I sometimes feel guilty eating: "How could I eat at a time like this?"

Although the movie that keeps popping up in my head is "PS I Love You" not sure if it's cause my brain is telling me to watch it or to avoid it.

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9 hours ago, EternalFlames said:

At first I used to feel it more when I talked to her spirit, but over time I know her spirit is fading away, moving on, returning to the universe in life's continuing cycle, leaving me here alone

This sounds so sad.

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21 hours ago, EternalFlames said:

Do any of you also obsessively rewatch some old rom coms, wax nostalgic, and cry over the love you've lost?

I find it weird to say it as a man. I never expected myself to be the type to do this before.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't think it is weird at all for a man to cry because to me it just means that you have a heart and are compassionate. As for dating or looking for someone else I am like most of us and am not ready for that to happen. I am not sure I ever will be but I won't say never because when I met my husband 23 years ago I was not looking for anyone then and he was the best thing that ever happened to me. The best I can hope for is to find peace and be content with whatever happens in the future.

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As a 40 year old man who recently lost his wife unexpectedly I can tell you I cry every single day. The realization she is never coming back is absolutely crushing. 

I do feel better after crying though.

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1 hour ago, Missingher78 said:

The realization she is never coming back is absolutely crushing. 

Yes, never is such a hard word. That's why I also cry every single day for my wife.

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The realization she is never coming back is absolutely crushing. 

I do feel better after crying though.

 

Absolutely agree...this feeling of loss is one that cant be compared to anything...

 

Sent from my vivo 1802 using Tapatalk

 

 

 

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On 1/15/2019 at 7:17 PM, ModHerc said:

50 first dates.  It was one of my wife's favorites.  I keep hoping that I could be the one to go to sleep and wake up to feel it all over again.  You're not alone.  Men are allowed to cry too, and if there is anything that should bring any of us to tears, it is knowing what we have lost.


Thanks. Good to know I'm not alone. I like that movie. Renewed hope every day.
 

15 hours ago, KatB said:

As for dating or looking for someone else I am like most of us and am not ready for that to happen. I am not sure I ever will be but I won't say never because when I met my husband 23 years ago I was not looking for anyone then and he was the best thing that ever happened to me. The best I can hope for is to find peace and be content with whatever happens in the future.

Maybe I'm not ready either. I'm in my 30s and just afraid if I wait too many years I'll miss my chance to have kids and a family (she died just before we were about to) and spend forever alone and sad, losing the rest of my life too along with her. 

Sheryl Sandberg moved on after 4 months! It'll be 3 years for me soon. I want to move forwards in life too. There's also pressure from family/friends to pick up the pieces and keep moving, and my own fear of getting stuck in stagnation.

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@EternalFlames

although everyone’s grief is different, you and only you know if you’re ready to start dating.  That being said, it sounds a little like you are entertaining the idea.  It doesn’t hurt to try, does it?  You do have a long life ahead of you and you deserve to have a family if you want.  Thing is, you don’t have to forget your wife to move forward.  When you meet someone else be open and honest with them.  If they’re willing to let you share your feelings of your wife then perhaps they are a kind and loving person who is willing to understand your unique situation. Isn’t that what you’d want anyway? I know there are plenty of women out there who are emotionally intelligent enough to not feel threatened by your relationship with your wife.  

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The weekend is almost here and the weather is horrible.   I'm going to self-indulge, not leave the couch, eat soup and watch movies.  What were your favorite movies to watch together?  I absolutely cannot watch violent or war movies.  My husband was pretty good to suffer through "period" movies with me.  (Although he loved to make silly comments during the movie)  Any favorites you all would recommend?

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I love watching "The Notebook", 'Titanic", "Crazy, Stupid Love" & any kind of John Hughes movie from the 80's.  My husband and I had a tradition - every Christmas we would watch "Gladiator".  This past Christmas was the first time I did not continue the tradition. Watching movies was our thing, just hanging out together each of us on our own sofas enjoying being "us".  I miss that soooo much.  Every day I cry still in disbelief that he is truly gone and this happened to us. 

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On 1/15/2019 at 5:58 PM, EternalFlames said:

Do any of you also obsessively rewatch some old rom coms, wax nostalgic, and cry over the love you've lost?

I find it weird to say it as a man. I never expected myself to be the type to do this before. But I miss her so much, miss her love, miss the way I felt with her.. and long to feel that again. Binge watching romcoms also seems like something she would do, and in a weird way, makes me feel closer to her (though many scenes also trigger big waves of grief).

I'm trying to date and rebuild my life now (it's been 2.5 years), but everyone I meet feels "meh". It all feels gray and empty. I want to believe in that deep passionate life-changing love again so that life doesn't seem so meaningless and empty... and for some reason it only seems to exist on TV.  Real life is disappointing.

But, unlike a lot of lovelorn young people dreaming about TV romance, I know it's not just fiction. My wife and I felt that. She was truly my soulmate, the love of my life, my other half. I know that feeling is real.  I just wish I could feel it again. The closest thing I get is watching rom coms and then crying over old photo albums.

At first I used to feel it more when I talked to her spirit, but over time I know her spirit is fading away, moving on, returning to the universe in life's continuing cycle, leaving me here alone

 

 

 

 

 

It feels a little weird, so I don't tell anyone, but I started doing the same thing, like you. It's been over 3 years now since my wife died. Her favourite movie of this genre was "The Notebook". How many times did I walk past the tv room, while she was folding laundry and watching it for the millionth time. Between seeing snippets of the film this way and the few times she convinced me to sit down and watch it (now I feel so guilty that I never shared more of those moments), I think I've watched the whole movie. Now when it comes on tv, I think of my wife and cry.

So, the other day, I started watching "Message in a Bottle", a movie about a man's grief over his wife's death. A woman finds a bottle with a message in it on the beach from the husband who is grieving his loss.  I got as far as the 1st letter and it resonated so much with me, I stopped watching. Here is the letter:


Letter #1

Dear Catherine,

I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you in so long.
I feel I’ve been lost…no bearings, no compass.
I kept crashing into things, a little crazy, I guess.
I’ve never been lost before.
You were my true North.
I could always steer for home when you were my home.
Forgive me for being so angry when you left.
I still think some mistake’s been made…
And I’m waiting for God to take it back.
But I’m doing better now.
The work helps.
Most of all, you help me.
You came into my dream last night with that smile…
That always held me like a lover… rocked me like a child.
All I remember from the dream…is a feeling of peace.
I woke up with that feeling….and tried to keep it alive as long as I could.

I’m writing to tell you that I’m on a journey toward that peace.
And to tell you I’m sorry about so many things.
I’m sorry I didn’t take better care of you…
So you never spent a minute being cold or scared or sick.
I’m sorry I didn’t try harder to find the words…to tell you what I was feeling.
I’m sorry I never fixed the screen door.
I fixed it now.
I’m sorry I ever fought with you.
I’m sorry I didn’t apologize more.
I was too proud.
I’m sorry I didn’t bring you more compliments…on everything you wore and every way you fixed your hair. 
I’m sorry I didn’t hold on to you with so much strength that even God couldn’t pull you away.

All my love,
G

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@bsl that is touching and beautiful.I couldn't read that without sobbing.I wish I could have held him so nothing could take him away.To all of you looking at dating again just go slow,don't settle and know the love you once found by some miracle can be there again if you accept a different kind of love.you will not have that same one,but then you have changed and now are a different person so seek a different love.and remember we are allowed to love as many times as we can open our hearts.My husband told me not to ever feel guilty about loving again,he said someone else deserves the love I have to give and I deserve to be loved to the end of my days as I loved him to the end of his.I'm no where near that yet,it's only been a month,but I know if it's in my future he wanted that for me.May you all find peace.Hugs Billie Rae

Sent from my LG-TP260 using Grieving.com mobile app

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On 2/9/2019 at 7:35 AM, BSL said:

But, unlike a lot of lovelorn young people dreaming about TV romance, I know it's not just fiction. My wife and I felt that. She was truly my soulmate, the love of my life, my other half.

I know that too, George and I were very much in love, he was absolutely my soul mate, my best friend.  Your letter to your wife is beautiful.  Your love will never die.  After all these years (going on 14 now) I still love George just as much as I did when he was alive.  I, too, would love to have that again, but don't hold hope for it at my age, I've been through too much and don't want to date and go through all that again, just too old and tired.  But I hope you find it, something way more than meh, don't "settle", I pray you find someone worthy of you.

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I also love the letter, have never watched either movie.  Maybe I will now though.  I too have no interest in finding someone else again, so afraid of ever hurting this bad again, or ever finding someone who could ever even begin to compare to him.  I do think we should never say never though....who knows what fate has in store for us down the road?  In meantime I' m just hanging in there, as are we all. Prayers.

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Just to be clear, that letter was the "message in the bottle" found on the beach in the movie. I copied into my post. But, it really made me cry because it sooo mirrored the way I feel about my wife. 

I actually did write out a love letter on paper and read it out loud to my wife, on her death anniversary, at her grave. Then, I  burnt it, borrowing from the Jewish custom of Yahrzeit.

 

I never would have even considered watching that movie when my wife was alive. Funny how things are now; like @EternalFlames said about her "spirit fading away", I also feel my wife being left behind, slipping away and it fills me with despair. Seeing these moments in movies is like reaching for a life preserver.

  I realize that, we, the ones left behind, will romanticize our relationship with our dead spouses and remember their most beautiful traits and I'm perfectly happy with that knowledge. And I also recognize that, any future relationship, if it ever happens, will require a woman of great self esteem and confidence to be comfortable with it. I only hope I would be able to care for someone to make them feel secure enough and worthwhile to be with me.

 

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13 hours ago, BSL said:

like @EternalFlames said about her "spirit fading away", I also feel my wife being left behind, slipping away and it fills me with despair.

Me too. I also feel desperate when I realize the spirit of my wife is fading away.

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I've seen Message in the Bottle but so long ago, I didn't know that was from that, it is neat that it mirrored how you felt.  I keep a computer file "Letters to George" ever since he died.

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

I've seen Message in the Bottle but so long ago, I didn't know that was from that, it is neat that it mirrored how you felt.  I keep a computer file "Letters to George" ever since he died.

Nicholas Sparks is the author of the book that the movie was based on and also he wrote "The Notebook". After seeing that scene, I had to look Sparks up on Wikipedia and I just felt he must have endured a loss as well. He lost his sister to cancer when he was young.

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